‘That’s a very sensible woman,’ said the gentleman. So they helped her him into the front seat, beside the chauffeur, & on went the car. The toad began to sit up, & look about him & presently he said to the chauffeur, ‘Please Mr. Chauffeur, I wish you would let me try to drive the car for a little; it looks so easy; I’m sure I could do it quite well!’
The chauffeur laughed, heartily. But one of the gentlemen said ‘Bravo, washerwoman! I like your spirit! Let her try. She won’t do any harm.”
So the chauffeur gave up his seat to the toad, & he took the steering wheel in his hands, & set the car going, & off they went, very slowly & carefully at first, for the toad was prudent. The gentlemen clapped their hands, & cried ‘Bravo, washerwoman! How well she does it! Fancy a washerwoman driving a motor-car! Bravo!’
Then the Toad went a little faster. The gentlemen applauded. The Toad went faster still.
Then, when the when he felt the air singing past his ears, & the car throbbing under him, the Toad began to lose his head. He went faster & faster still. The gentlemen called out warningly, ‘Be careful, washerwoman!’ Then the Toad lost his head entirely. He stood up in his seat and shouted ‘Ho ho! Who are you calling washerwoman! I am the Toad! the famous Mr. Toad! The motor-car driver, the toad who always escapes, who baffles his enemies, who dodges policemen, who breaks out of prison, the always- victorious, the triumphant Toad!’
Then the gentlemen & the chauffeur arose & flung themselves upon him. ‘Seize him!’, they cried, ‘Seize the toad, the wicked animal who stole our motor-car! Bind him, chain him, drag him to the police-station! Down with the Toad!’
Alas! They ought to have remembered to stop the motorcar before playing any pranks of that sort. With a halfturn of the wheel the Toad sent the car crashing through the hedge. Then it gave an enormous bound, and Sploosh! it landed in a horse-pond! The Toad found himself flying through the air like a swallow. He was just beginning to wonder whether he would ever come down again or whether he had somehow got a pair of wings & turned into a toad-bird, when bump! He landed on his back. He jumped up at once, & found himself in a meadow. Looking back, he saw the car, almost entirely covered by the water, while the gentlemen & the chauffeur were floundering about in their long thick motor-coats in the pond. He did not stay to help them. No! He set off running at once, & ran & ran & ran, across country, till he was quite pumped out. Then he settled down into a walk, & as he walked along presently he began to giggle, & from giggling he took to laughing, & he laughed & laughed until he had to sit down under a hedge. ‘Ho ho!’ he roared, ‘The Toad again! Always Mr. Toad! Who got them to give him a lift? Who wanted to sit on the front seat to get fresh air? Who got the chauffeur to let him drive? Who upset them all into the horse-pond? Who escaped, free & unhurt, while they were floundering about in the water? Toad, clever Toad, great Toad, good Toad!’ Then he burst into song again, & sang
The motor-car went poop-poop-poop
As it whizzed along the road;
Who was it steered it into the pond?
Ingenious Mr. Toad!
O how clever I am! How clever, how clever, how clev — —’ He heard a slight noise behind him. He looked back. O horror! O misery! O despair! [O my!].
About two fields behind him, a chauffeur and two large policemen were running towards him as hard as they could!
The toad sprang to his feet & set off running again, his heart in his mouth. ‘O my!’ he gasped as he panted along, ‘What an ass I am! what a conceited ass! O my! O my! O my!’
He looked back & saw they were gaining on him. He kept looking back as he ran, & saw that they still gained. He struggled on, but he was a fat animal, & his legs were short, & as he looked back he saw that they still gained. They were near him now! He never looked where he was going, but ran on wildly, looking over his shoulder at the approaching enemy, when suddenly The toad found himself head over ears in deep water, in a rapid stream. He had run straight into the river! He rose to the surface, & tried to grasp the reeds & the rushes that grew along the bank, but the stream was so fast that it tore them out of his hands. ‘O my!’ said the poor toad, ‘If ever I steal a motor-car again—’ Then down he went, & came up spluttering. Presently he saw a big dark hole in the bank, above his head, & as the stream bore him past he reached out a paw and caught hold of the edge. Then he slowly drew himself up out of the water, till he was able to rest his elbows on the edge of the hole. There he remained for some minutes, puffing & panting, for he was quite exhausted.
Presently, as he gazed into the big dark hole, he saw a tiny speck of light, that look like a glow-worm, or a distant star. As he looked, it winked & glittered & got more & more like a tiny eye! He looked & looked, & saw the outline of a tiny face round it!
A dark little face — and Whiskers! —
It was the water-rat!
(To be continued)
16 DURHAM VILLAS,
CAMPDEN HILL, W.
12th August, 1907
DEAR ROBINSON,
The Water-Rat put out a neat little brown paw, & gave Toady a big hoist & a pull, over the edge of the hole, & there was Mr. Toad at last, standing safe & sound in the hall, covered with mud, & with the water streaming off him, but pleased & happy at being in a friend’s house at last after so many perilous adventures. ‘O Ratty!’ he cried, ‘I’ve been having such times, you can’t think! Such dangers, such escapes, and all through my own cleverness! Been in prison — got out of it! Been thrown into a canal — swam ashore! Stole a horse — sold him for a pocketful of money! O I am a smart Toad & no mistake! Tell you what I did, only just now—’
‘Toad,’ said the Water-Rat firmly: ‘You go off upstairs at once, & take off that old cotton rag that looks as if it had once belonged to a washerwoman, & clean yourself, & put on some of my clothes & try & look like a gentleman if you can; for a more shabby be-draggled disreputable looking object than you are I never saw in my life! Now stop swaggering & be off!’ [I’ll talk to you later.]
So the Toad went very humbly upstairs to the rat’s dressing-room, & changed his clothes, & brushed his hair, & by the time he came down again dinner was ready, & very glad the Toad was to see it, for he was very [quite] hungry again by this time, in spite of his good breakfast. There was roast veal, stuffed, & vegetable marrow; & a cherry tart.
While they ate their dinner the Toad told the Rat all his adventures, not forgetting all his own cleverness, & presence of mind, & cunning; but the Rat looked very grave. When the Toad had done, the Rat said ‘Now Toady, seriously, don’t you see what an old ass you are? You’ve been beaten, kicked, imprisoned, [starved] chased, [terrified] thrown into water; [insulted] there’s no fun in that. And all because you tried to steal a motor-car. There’s no need for you to steal motor-cars; you’ve got lots of money; you can buy a beauty if you like. When are you going to be sensible, & a credit to your friends?’
Now the Toad was really a very good-hearted animal, & never minded being jawed: so although, while the rat was talking, he kept saying to himself, ‘But it was fun, though!’ & making strange suppressed noises inside him, k-i-i-ck, & poop-p-p- & other sounds like snorts, or the opening of soda-water-bottles, yet when the rat had done he said very nicely & humbly, ‘Quite right, Ratty! I have been a conceited old ass, I can see; but I’m going to be a good Toad, & not do it any more. As soon as we’ve had our coffee, and a smoke, I’m going to stroll down to Toad Hall, & I’m going to lead a respectable life there, & have a bit of dinner for my friends when they come to see me, & have a pony- chaise to jog about the country in, just as I used to in the old days.’
‘Stroll down to Toad Hall?’ cried the Rat. ‘What are you talking about? Haven’t you heard?’
‘Heard what?’ said the Toad, turning rather pale. ‘Go on, Ratty! what haven’t I heard?’
‘Do you mean to tell me,’ said the Rat, thumping with his little fist upon the table, ‘that you haven’t heard—’
(To be contd.)
16 DURHAM VILLAS,
16 August, 1907
DEAR ROBINSON,
‘Do you mean to tell me,’ shouted the Water-Rat, thumping with his little fist upon the table, ‘That you’ve never heard about the animals?’ [Stoats & weasels?] ‘N-n-no,’ murmured the Toad, trembling in every limb.
‘ — and how they’ve been & taken Toad Hall?’ went on the Rat Toad leaned his elbows on the table, & his chin on his hands; & a large tear welled up in each of his eyes, overflowed, & splashed on the table, plop! plop!
‘Go on, Ratty,’ he murmured: ‘tell me all; I can bear it.’
‘When you — got into that trouble of yours,’ said the Rat, slowly and impressively: ‘I mean when you — disappeared, you know, over that you-know-what—’
The Toad nodded.
‘Well, it was a good deal talked about here, naturally,’ said the Rat. ‘Not only in the village [along the river-side] but [even] in the wild-wood. And the animals went about saying that this time you would never come back, never, never!’ [You were done for this time.]
The Toad nodded.
[That’s the sort of little beasts they are.]
‘ — But the Mole and the Badger,’ continued the Water-
Rat. ‘They held out [through thick & thin] that you would come back somehow; they didn’t know how, but somehow.’ The Toad sat up in his chair, & began to smirk a little.
‘ — So the Mole & the Badger,’ went on the Rat, ‘determined they would move their things in to Toad Hall, & sleep there, to look after it for you. The fact is, they didn’t trust the animals!’
‘I should think not indeed!’ Said Toad.
‘One dark night,’ said the Rat, lowering his voice, ‘one very dark night — and it was blowing hard too, & raining cats-&-dogs — a band of weasels, armed to the teeth, crept silently up the carriage-drive. At the same time a band [body] of desperate ferrets advanced through the kitchen- garden; & a number of stoats who stuck at nothing surrounded the back-door.
The mole & the badger were sitting by the fire, smoking & telling each other stories, when these bloodthirsty villains broke down the doors & rushed in upon them. They made the best fight they could, but what are two people against hundreds? They took & beat them severely with sticks, the two poor faithful creatures, & turned them out into the cold & the wet.’
Here the Toad sniggered a little, & then pulled himself up & tried to look very solemn.
‘ — And they’ve been living there in Toad Hall ever since,’ continued the Rat, ‘and going on anyhow! Lying in bed half the day, & breakfast at all hours, & the place in such a mess its not fit to be seen! Eating your grub, & drinking your drink, & making jokes about you, & singing vulgar songs about you & about — prisons & magistrates & all that; & they tell everybody they’ve come to stay for good!’
‘O have they?’ said Toad, getting up & seizing his stick. ‘I’ll jolly soon see about that!’
‘It’s no good, Toad!’ called the Rat after him. ‘You’d better come back! You’ll only get into trouble!’
But the Toad was off, & there was no holding him. He marched valiantly down the road, his stick over his shoulder, till he got near the front gate, when suddenly behind the palings there popped up a long yellow ferret with a gun.
‘Who comes there?’ cried the ferret.
‘Stuff & nonsense,’ said the Toad angrily. ‘What do you mean by talking like that to me? What do you — —’
The ferret said never a word, but he brought his gun up to his shoulder. The Toad dropped flat in the road. Bang! a bullet whistled over his head. The Toad scrambled to his feet, & scampered off down the road; & as he ran he heard the ferret laughing.
He went back & told the Water-rat. ‘What did I tell you?’ said Rat.
Still, the Toad would not give in at once. He got a boat, & set off rowing up the river to the back of Toad Hall, to where the garden came down to the riverside. All seemed very peaceful & deserted. As he rested on his oars he could see Toad Hall quiet in the sunshine, with the pigeons cooing on the roof, & the garden, & the creek that led to the boat-house, & the little wooden bridge that crossed it.
He paddled up very cautiously & turned to go under the bridge, & was just passing it when CRASH!
A great stone, flung from the bridge, smashed through the bottom of the boat, & Toad found himself struggling in deep water. He looked up, & saw two stoats leaning over the bridge watching him. ‘It’ll be your head next time, Toady!’ said they. And as Toad swam to shore, the stoats laughed & laughed & laughed, till they nearly had two fits — that is, one fit each, of course.
The Toad went back & told the Water-Rat. ‘What did I tell you?’ said Ratty crossly: “& look here! now you’ve been & ruined my nice clothes that I lent you!’
Then the Toad was very humble, & apologized to the Rat for getting his clothes wet, & said ‘Ratty, I have been a headstrong & a wilful Toad. Henceforward I will be humble & submissive, & will do nothing without your kind advice & approval.’
‘If that is really so,’ said the Rat, ‘then my advice is, to sit down & have your supper & be patient. For I am sure that we can do nothing until we have seen the Mole & the Badger, & heard their news, & taken their advice in the matter.’
‘Oho, the Mole and the Badger!’ said the Toad lightly: ‘Why, what’s become of them? I had forgotten all about them.’
‘Well may you ask,’ replied the Rat reproachfully. ‘While you were riding about in motor-cars, those two faithful animals have been hiding in the wild-wood, living very rough & sleeping very hard, spying & planning & contriving, how to get back Toad Hall again for you. See what it is to have true friends! Some day you’ll be sorry you didn’t value them more while you had got them.’
So the Toad was humble & contrite again, of course, & they sat down to supper.
When they were about half-way through, there came a knock at the door. The Rat nodded mysteriously to the Toad, & went to the door & opened it; & in walked the Badger. His shoes were covered with mud, & he looked very rough & touzled; but then he was never a very smart man, the Badger, at the best of times. He shook Toad by the hand & said ‘Welcome home, Toad! Ah, what am I saying? Home, indeed! This is a sad meeting. Alas, poor, poor Toad!’ Then he sat down at the table & helped himself to a large slice of cold pie.
The Toad was rather alarmed at this sort of greeting; but the Rat nudged him & whispered ‘Don’t say anything. He takes it very much to heart. And he’s always very low when he’s wanting his victuals.’
Presently there was another knock. The Rat nodded to the Toad, & went to the door & ushered in the Mole, very shabby & unwashed, with bits of hay & straw sticking in his fur.
(To be continued)
16, DURHAM VILLAS,
CAMPDEN HILL, W.
21 st Aug: 1907
DEAR ROBINSON,
‘Why, it’s Toad!’ cried the Mole, his face brightening up. ‘Fancy seeing you here!’ And he began to dance round him. ‘Thought you were locked up in prison for the rest of your days! Why, you must have managed to escape, you clever Toad!’
The Rat pulled him by the arm, but it was too late. The Toad was puffing & swelling already.
‘Clever? Well, I’m cleverer than you fellows seem to think me,’ said he. ‘Of course I escaped. What’s a prison to me? But that’s nothing to what I’ve done since. Just let me tell you!’
‘Well, well,’ said the Mole, moving towards the table. ‘You can talk while I eat. Not a bite since breakfast! O my, O my!’ And he sat down & helped himself liberally to cold beef & pickles.
The Toad straddled on the hearth-rug, thrust his hands into his pockets, & pulled out a handful of silver. ‘Look at that!’ he said. ‘That’s not bad, for a few minutes’ work. And how do you think I done it? Horse-dealing! That’s how I done it!’
‘Go on, Toad!’ said the Mole, immensely interested.
‘Toad, do be quiet, please,’ said the Rat: ‘and don’t you egg him on, Mole, but please te
ll us what the position is, & what’s best to be done.’
‘There isn’t anything to be done, that I can see,’ replied the Mole, grumpily. ‘It’s like the old riddle, “Who goes round & round the house & never inside the house?” The Badger & I have been round & round the house, night & day: always the same thing. Sentries everywhere, guns poked out at us, stones thrown at us; always an animal on the look-out, and my! how they do laugh! That’s what annoys me most.’
‘It’s very difficult,’ said the Rat, reflecting deeply: ‘But I think I see [in the depths of my mind] what Toad ought to do. He ought to—’
‘No, he oughtn’t!’ shouted the Mole, with his mouth full. ‘Nothing of the sort. He ought to—’
‘Well, I shan’t do it, any way,’ cried the Toad, getting excited. ‘I’m not going to be ordered about by you fellows. I’m going to—’
By this time they were all three talking at once, at the top of their voices, & the noise was simply deafening, when a small dry voice said, ‘Be quiet, all of you!’ and instantly every one was silent.
It was the Badger, who had finished his pie & turned round in his chair. When he saw that they were all evidently waiting for him to address them, he turned to the table again & reached out for the cheese. And so great was the respect commanded by the solid qualities of that admirable animal, that not another word was uttered till he had quite finished his supper & brushed the crumbs from his legs. The Toad fidgeted a bit, but the Rat held him firmly down.
When the Badger had quite done, he got up & stood before the fire, reflecting. ‘Toad!’ he said severely. ‘You’re a bad little animal! What would your father have said, if he had been here to-night?’
The Toad began to shed tears, at once.
‘There, there!’ said the Badger, more kindly, ‘never mind. We’re going to let by-gones be by-gones [& turn over a new leaf]. But what the Mole says is quite true. The Stoats are on guard, & they’re the best sentinels in the world. It’s no good our attacking the place. They’re too strong for us.’
Complete Works of Kenneth Grahame Page 69