by Hazel Grace
“It matters.” I bow my head into my chest. A wave of regret and disappointment washing over me. “Please...Reagan. Don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to yourself.”
Violet eyes contemplate my words, but as soon as I believe she’s going to listen to reason, her face hardens back into determination and unyielding of my pleas.
“Well...it looks like karma is a bitch for catfishing me, Lockwood. Because I’m not leaving until you're mine.”
“This isn’t a fucking game.” I grab on to her arms. “You don’t know how this works. You don’t know how fucked up this life is.”
“My mother was almost killed,” she snaps. “I know how dangerous this shit is.”
“And you’ll never know it again,” I seize. “I don’t want you to be with me. I don’t want to lie awake at night and wonder if today is the day I’m going to get a call telling me that you’re laid up in a hospital or dead. I’m not doing it, Reagan.”
“You don’t get to tell me what I get to want. Where my heart lies. You of all people should know...that what I want, I get. And if that’s your broody ass, that’s what I’m going to get.”
I bend down over, aligning my face with hers, throwing on my asshole face because this isn’t happening. “I’ll have security see you out the back way, Miss Shelton, and make sure you get home alright.”
“Don’t bother.” Pivoting on her feet, she scoops up her clothes and leaves me, half-ass throwing on her clothes as she does.
Expecting the door to slam loudly, it only clicks behind her, but I can still feel the ire in her words. The blow to her pride and the animosity she’s going to feel for me afterward.
Reagan can’t be mine—not in this lifetime.
Not now.
Not ever.
♫ Drew Barrymore — Bryce Vine ♫
I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy feat. Wade is as bullheaded and headstrong as I am. Add on the title of “president” and he’s more of a pain in my ass.
I’m aware there is more on the line. That I never wanted to be here in this lifestyle, but it is easily overcome with the need to be with Wade. I’m fully aware as I step into Emmy’s office for my first day of work that this is going to be a war between us. That Emmy is going to be part of the collateral damage, and we’re just waiting for him to lose his shit when he finds out that I’m here.
In fact, Emmy made sure that he knew I was here.
“Why are you pushing this so hard?” I carp while she remains seated behind her, still, Lisa Frank explosion of a desk.
“Because Wade likes to be pushed.” My eyes constrict on her tiny frame and cute black dress. “Listen…” She leans back in her leather chair and hits me with an exasperated look. “You’ve been good for him...minus the sex tape.”
“Does he seriously tell you everything?”
Em smiles. “It was hard to miss how devastated he was. I owe you a punch in the face.”
“And I owe you a jab to the throat for working with my brother and not telling me.”
“It’s a secret organization. You should be six feet in the ground for even knowing everything you’ve been told.”
“Ha, ha.”
“Anyways...Wade needs someone to push and prod, to keep on his feet. He isn’t as strong as he can be without you. And besides—” She shrugs nonchalantly. “—I’m rooting for you.”
I point at the door behind me. “He’s going to barge through this room and lose his entire—” On cue, a bang off the wall sounds, and I can immediately feel the laser beams coming off his eyes and hitting me in the back of the skull.
My defense—glaring at the blonde sitting in front of me with a shit-eating grin on her perfectly set face.
“What the fuck is going on in here?” That from Wade. His voice dripping in so much fury that I can feel it puncture throughout my whole body. The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, an electric chill runs down my spine, and I think for the second time in my life—I’m terrified that he’s going to kill me.
And unfortunately not with his dick.
“Good morning, Mr. President,” Emmy coos when everyone in this room is fully aware that she’s taunting him and enjoying herself.
“Em,” Wade seizes. “I thought I told you—”
“I heard you.” Silence fills the room besides my thudding heartbeat in my ears.
“Great, then explain what the fuck she’s doing in here?” Slowly, and I mean very slowly, I turn to face him.
Dressed in a white, casual business shirt and navy slacks, I can’t help but examine him before my temper gradually pushes my attraction for him aside. His chest fills out the pristine material that overlays it, his shoulders are perfectly and deliciously exhibited to where I want to climb him—immediately, and the authority that he showcases is making this room feel smaller.
When I reach his face, his normal crystal blue eyes are darkly gaping at me with disdain laced in them. The stubble along his jawline and cheeks makes him look that much more hazardous.
Any normal girl would cut her losses and dip out, but I have too much caught up in this. My feelings, my future, every dream I’ve concocted involves him.
And I’m not letting him go.
Not for this career of his.
Not because of the people that he works around.
Not because he’s scared.
“I thought I told you loud and clear, Shelton,” he gripes. “That you wouldn’t be working for me again. It didn’t work out the first time.”
“Well,” I reply, clasping my hands together. “That was more due to your part, wouldn’t you agree?”
Low blow—yes.
But it’s true. He was married, kept it a secret, then he catfished me—kept that a secret too.
And now I’m here again, maybe as a moron, but here nonetheless.
“Emmy—” Wade snaps his fingers. “—out.” The wheels of her chair roll back and a hand brushes along my lower back moments later in silent comfort.
“Be nice, Lockwood,” she warns, before leaving me alone with the livid animal in front of me. “Watch your words.”
He doesn’t respond, eyes still locked on me, and when the door softly closes behind him, he makes his move—which I quickly counter back.
“What part of what I said the other night made no sense to you, Reagan?”
Ow, he’s really mad. He called me by my real name.
“All of it,” I deadpan.
His brows knit together. “English a hard language for you now?”
“Just shit English that comes off dumb as hell.” He looms closer to me, forcing my chin to rise to meet his face.
“I don’t want you here.”
“But I am.”
“You know that ass I enjoyed so much the other night?” he quips, letting his eyes graze down to my breasts. “It’s going to hit the cement outside when I have security throw you out, sweetheart.”
“Hate to sound like a bitch, Lockwood, but unless you give me what I want, I’ll go find it elsewhere.”
His mouth sets in a fine line. “That’s exactly what I want you to do.”
“You’d give me up that easily?”
“I never said this was going to be simple for me. In fact, you’re making it very hard for me right now.” Inching closer, our chests meet, but Wade stands solid to his spot before I gaze up at him.
“How much do you love me, Yank?” His jaw ticks not once but twice as he tears his scrutiny from me.
“Enough to let you go.”
“Not good en—”
“Reagan.” My name viciously off his lips stops me mid-sentence, still watching something behind me. “Stop doing this to yourself. You forget who I am—” He glances back down at me. “—I’m the most powerful man in the country. I’ll make shit really hard for you if you keep pressing this.”
I quirk a brow. “Is that a promise?”
“It’s a threat.”
“Back to the asshole I fell for.” I wedge my lip
s from lifting. “You’re not helping yourself here, Lockwood.”
“I always help myself. You out of the way is helping.” He takes a step away from me, and immediately, I miss his heat. “See yourself out.”
“Wade.” He halts, back still to me, but I see the shattered exhale that just rocked his body. “I love you. Please...don’t do this to us.”
“I am doing it for you and us, Shelton. As much as I would love a world with you in it, you’re a liability, something I can’t afford to lose. I can’t buy you back to life if something happens. I can’t watch millions of people to make sure one doesn't hurt you to get to me. I’m a man with a spotlight always shining on me. You’re the woman I can’t keep.”
“It’s not fair,” I emit. “You making all these calls and expecting—”
“I don’t expect you to wait around, Sox. I’m actually praying that you don’t.” He pivots around to face me. “Please don’t.”
Heartbreak illuminates off his features, and I know mine match. Fate is cruel and vicious. I found someone that I wanted to throw caution to the wind for, and he’s too high up the food chain to keep.
“We can make this work.” I ball my hands into fist to keep from breaking down in front of him. My blubbering won’t help the matter. “We belong together.”
“I love you, too. More than you will ever know, Sox.” Swiveling on his heel, he leaves me in Emmy’s office alone in the stillness of the room and not with very many options.
I either leave with my pride or try to push on.
I hate both options.
My keys fall with a clatter to the table next to my door with just as much defeat as I feel. I came back home because I wasn't going to repeat the same fight with Wade over and over again. Plus, I've been away from my business too long. I know Sadie is itching to go back home, and I needed to be in a place where I felt somewhat comfortable.
Me: I'm home.
I roll my eyes as soon as I hit the send button to my brother. Not only was tonight a complete disaster but the Hulk was at Andy’s birthday party—to look over me.
Imagine how well that went.
The whole night is a liquor-filled blur. I shoved guys away from me whose faces I don't remember before the Hulk could Hulk-smash them or whatever it is he does. He seems to like the lighter I saw him with at Camp David, he spent the whole night sipping on beer and flicking it open and closed.
My brother needs new friends.
And speaking of needs, Marty and I need to have a major sit-down to talk about everything with my father. As promised, he gave me the USB full of classified files and multiple emails between a general in the Air Force and my father discussing plans about bombing a small town that they called Salem.
After hours of sifting through communication, I found an email addressed to my dad with the message: Burned at the stake.
News article clippings, screenshots of headline news on CNN and MSNBC spoke about a little town in a small country called Tolnova being devastated by an alleged US air attack with only a dozen or so survivors. Another week and a half of articles looking for answers to the US government’s involvement and then everything abruptly stops.
People forgot about it.
Marty was an orphan. He has one picture of his family on the drive—his real parents, himself, and two younger-looking sisters.
It’s when I didn’t need to look anymore.
The moment that I knew where all this anger and need to release it stemmed from. His whole life was taken in one night. His entire world changed because my father wanted to prod into Russia’s good graces. Tolnova wanted independence from the Russians coming in to collect their abundant supply of oil, natural gas, timber, and valuable minerals.
And Marty’s father, he spoke against it.
He was labeled a terrorist—how people bought into that, I don’t know. Apparently, my father wanted to become best friends with Russia and, in good faith, bombed a town that had a big mouth who spoke against it.
My father might be dead, always was in my head anyway, but in light of the evidence against him—he deserved it. He murdered innocent people. He bombed a small town and split families.
They say when you kill by the knife, you fall on it—Marty took the quicker approach and shot him. And called it completely fucked up, but I’d never be able to hold this over my brother’s head.
He’s my brother and, in my brain, nothing has changed between us. Except the fact that this whole torture-kill thing needs to be dealt with. I don’t know all the logistics behind B723, but Marty needs to get out.
I need him. Mama has been praying for him to come home, and he owes me.
Dead dad and all that shit.
On the way home from my party, the Hulk fed me McDonald's to sober me up then made a point to tell me that he’ll be sleeping in Marty’s room.
I always wanted a chaperone in my late twenties.
He also made a declaration to stop calling him Hulk, that his name is Bishop, and, well—fat chance that’s ever going to happen.
Marty: I know. I'd yell at you for drinking so much but you'll probably feel it in the morning.
Me: And I'd yell at you for having someone stalk me but, alas, won't do us any good.
Marty: You're catching on.
Me: I tipped him with a middle finger, think that was enough?
Marty: Cute. I'm sure he appreciated that.
Me: Seemed to. If you're going to have him hovering over me all the time then he better get used to it.
Marty: We've been through this. It's only because I couldn't be there.
Marty: I trust him with my life. So I trust him with yours. He’ll die before he lets anything happen to you.
Me: NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME!
Marty: I don’t know that. And I'm not taking that chance.
Me: He didn't check my room. Someone could be in here right now.
Marty: Tsarina...quit being a brat.
Me: *emoji with tongue sticking out*
Marty: Get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow.
Me: What?!!
I dial him up—well, attempt to, the liquor is starting to wear off, but the numbers still look too small.
“Didn’t I just say get some sleep,” Marty chides me off a sigh on the first ring.
“I’m sorry, I’m still a little fucked up. Did you say you were going to see me tomorrow?”
“I did.”
“Um...like you’re coming home?”
“I guess so since that’s where you are.” I squeal like a little girl who just got the latest iPhone. “Really?!”
“Remember my mission I told you about?”
The two Russians.
“Yeah…”
“It’s taken care of,” he deadpans. I shoot up from my mattress, regretting the decision as soon as the fluids in my head hit the front of my skull.
“Geezus…” My palm finds my forehead, and I try to rub back some of the dizziness.
“I know, listen, I won’t talk much about it. I’m fine, no scrapes or bruises. It’s done, Tsarina.”
“No, I meant I got up too fast.” Marty scoffs. “And, it’s okay, as long as you’re not hurt. I can’t wait to see you.”
“Likewise. Now, get some sleep.”
“Tell the Hulk to leave.”
“No.”
“Marty…”
“Goodnight, Tsarina. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” He hangs up, I stride to my bathroom that adjoins my bedroom, brush my teeth, and remove my earrings while staring at myself in the mirror.
It’s not the first time I don’t recognize myself.
I seem to change like a chameleon to my surroundings and the things going on in my life just to keep myself safe.
With Wade, I threw myself out there just to be thrown back.
I understand his fears. I’m aware of how he doesn’t want me to be harmed, also add on that he just buried a wife.
My selfish needs seem to overpo
wer anything that he may be going through, and I need to rid myself of those things. I’ve never felt so enraptured by someone before. Jed was my first, I wanted Wade to be my last. Regardless of his position, it was surprisingly easy to overlook.
Just not easy to overcome.
It’s been over a week since he told me he loved me but couldn’t take me on. Seven days of my trying to react and function like a normal person. I haven’t gone to the bar to have someone fuck the memories out of my brain. Nor have I rebounded back to an old flame.
Wade wants me to thrive. I long for him to find some peace. We both know that out here, in this big and nasty world, that we’ll always hold a piece of each other.
That has to be enough.
My phone buzzes against the cheap marble countertop of the bathroom, displaying Marty’s text of “I love you more”.
I know he does. Which means getting him out of B723 takes main precedence right now.
Wiping off my face, I walk into my bedroom, throw my phone on the queen-sized bed, and start for the front room to grab a water from the fridge.
All it would take is one scream to have the Hulk running into this room and tackling the man now standing in my kitchen.
But I know him. I can feel him from feet away, the pull so compelling that it draws me a little closer.
“Wade.” It’s a whisper, more like a croak as he turns to face me. Still dressed in his black suit and tie, his eyes rake over my body before coming back to my face.
“Miss Shelton,” he drones. “We have some things to discuss.” My face twists in confusion as he continues to gape at me with zero emotion in his face and eyes.
“Like?”
“For one, your little plan to fuck my whole night up.”