I didn't know where my sisters were. I was sure they’d been at church but I’d hidden behind a pillar after coming in late and hadn’t seen them. I’d thought I’d caught a glimpse of Grace as I tried to sneak out at the end. There had been a flash of golden hair near the notice board in the main entrance, and then a white hand reached up to the board. Putting a notice up? It couldn’t have been Grace, I decided, before skirting the outside of the church and racing home.
The vicarage was empty when I got there. Instead of worrying about it, I grabbed a glass of water and some biscuits before disappearing upstairs to practise. With the window open and the sharp spring air blowing in, my attic bedroom was a refuge. It was a relief not to think about anything except scales and arpeggios. This was a kind of lost that was safe. A protective bubble that shut out the shadows with silver notes. Whatever else had happened to me in the accident, I was grateful that nothing had injured my hands. I let my mind drift and the scale under my fingers changed into a haunting ballad:
Beware the moor
Beware the moor
Beware of Long Lan-kin.
Be sure the door is bolted well…
With a gasp I broke off playing. Dammit Amy, I thought. Thanks so much for putting that song in my head. That was it. No more playing today.
I was shocked to see how the light was fading outside. Stretching cramped and aching hands, I realised had been playing for hours. I just didn’t remember it. A sob of hysteria bubbled up my throat before a completely mundane thought chased it away. It was my turn to cook tonight. Crap.
I slammed the lid of the piano and hurtled down the stairs, skidding around the cold spot at the last minute. No more ghostly time-travel. Even if I was the witness. Whatever that was.
I slid to a halt in the kitchen doorway. Amy and Grace were already there. They didn't see me at first because they were doing some bizarre dance routine to a song on the radio. Amy was giggling hysterically. Grace was grinning. I hadn't seen her smile like that since before Mum died.
Watching my sisters, I felt a twinge of despair. It was so completely unfair. With Dad's deep blue eyes and Mum's curved, slender figure, Grace was lovely with no apparent effort. She'd pulled her straight, glossy hair back in some sort of twist but half the golden strands were coming down. It looked intentional not dishevelled. Grace had everything. Even Amy. Grace had time for Amy. Who could help loving Amy?
I hated feeling that way. Like there was a hot stone in my chest. Watching my sisters have fun without me…It was clear that it really was just me that Grace hated.
Amy was just Amy. Thirteen-year-old physics nerd. Late developer but just as pretty as Grace. Compared to my sylph-like sisters, I felt gawky and angular. Add my stammer and the fact that the Dead now had me on speed dial, and it was no wonder I didn't fit in. And Amy had fun with Grace. I wasn't needed. Had I been oblivious to the two of them getting closer for the last eight months? A sharp stab of annoyance at myself made me turn away. It wasn’t as if I’d strained anything searching for either of them earlier. We were all strangers in a new place but I’d only thought of myself. I always was a bit self-involved when it came to my music. Flushing with shame, I decided have any right to feel excluded.
"Oh. There you are." Grace's tone was even. I felt myself bristling defensively. Obviously she was up to something. "Dinner is on. If you just sort out the veg, we'll be done."
Huh. So Grace had cooked when it was my turn. Definitely suspicious.
"We knew you really wanted to practise," Amy clarified, a little out of breath from laughing. "So we cooked."
"You can take my turn tomorrow, Gremlin, then we're quits." Grace still sounded pleasantly neutral. For some reason that annoyed me further. "I'm going to set the table. Himself will be out of his study soon." She sauntered off to the dining room. For Grace that was positively affectionate.
I raised an eyebrow at Amy. Explain.
"We had a talk after church. I think she feels really bad about yesterday." Amy said sheepishly.
"Sh-she said th-that?" The words were sour on my tongue.
"Well, not straight out. You know Grace. But she did say she was sorry for calling me a child and being rude while Haze was here. She is trying to make it up, Em." Amy was almost pleading. I wanted to throw something at Grace for getting Amy to do her dirty work.
"After all, we're all stuck here together," Amy concluded lamely.
It was my fault I couldn't accept a third party apology that wasn't even directed at me. Mentioning Haze just shredded the last of my rationality.
"Fuh funny, she nuh never said s-so to muh me." I tried to keep my tone level but bitterness leaked into my voice. Amy squirmed, shoulders drawn up. I felt like a monster. But I couldn't stop. All my frustration and helplessness and hurt were boiling over.
"Maybe if you just talked to her…" Amy suggested in a small voice.
"Fuh fat lot of g-good that did last t-time!" I snapped. "W-what's she really pluh playing at Amy? What duh does she want?"
"Nothing." Amy glowered at me. "For once can you just not assume the worst? Why can't you two be friends?"
What could I say? Grace started it. She hates me not the other way around. She's clearly after something. Grace never turns on the charm for nothing. I gnawed my lower lip. No. And it wasn't fair to make Amy take sides.
"I duh don't th-think she wants to be fuh friends, Amy." I paused. "I'm suh sorry I sn sn…yelled at you."
"S'ok. You had a crappy day. Were the flower ladies awful?"
"Yuh you have n-no idea!" I grabbed a vegetable knife and slashed into some carrots. "They all sm-smell of m-moth balls and luh lavender. And at l-least two of them are s-seriously stuck on dad."
"Really?" Amy was appalled and fascinated.
"Ruh really. If they call round, I p-plan to be out!"
Amy giggled but it wasn't the carefree laughter of before. Amy was about as good at lying I was. The hot lump in my chest flared brighter. She had more fun with Grace. I was no good to be around.
"Wuh what has Grace t-told you?" I tried to make my tone sound casual. And failed.
"N-nothing." Amy was wide eyed, projecting innocence. "We just talked about yesterday, is all."
"Hmm." No good pushing. Amy wouldn't break a confidence. I hoped Grace hadn't confided anything too drastic. Bet Haze showed up in that conversation more than Amy was letting on though. "Ay Amy? Stuh stay away from Huh Haze. Wuh whatever Grace says, he's b- bad news."
"Oh! So now you think I'm a child!" Amy whipped out, her sudden fury startling me. "I can make up my own mind, Emlynn. He might even be okay if you gave him a chance!"
"Amy! I duh didn't mean… Luh look there's stuh stuff you d-don't know…" I was playing cat's cradle with words. I didn't know the next move, a hopeless tangle was coming.
"Really?" Amy raised an eyebrow sceptically. "More secrets? Unless you're going to explain, I think we should drop the subject." She folded her arms in an 'I'm waiting' gesture. I sank into a boggy silence. "Just let me decide for myself. He probably has nothing to do with your 'visitor'. Maybe you spewed because you're getting sick."
I shook my head slowly. Everything I wanted to say was so straight and clear in my mind. How could it be such a knotted, incomprehensible mess in my throat? I wanted to protect Amy. I even wanted to protect Grace, for some reason. How was I meant to do that when no one would listen to me?
"Nuh no. There's s-s-something going on. Something b-bad…" Urgh! Stupid stammer.
"You don't trust anyone, do you, Em? Not since Mum died. Can't you see that's what caused your problems with Grace? We should have told her the truth. We never had the right to keep it from her." Amy methodically filled pans with water. "And now we're in a new place. We could really make a go of it. We both lost touch with our friends after the accident. It's understandable but it's not healthy. It’s like you’ve given up on yourself, Em."
"Amy…" I paused, thinking about my mobile phone, which was somewhere in one
of the boxes I hadn't unpacked. I'd stopped bothering to charge the battery so it had been dead for months. All those texts and voicemails from Beth that I never answered. My stomach knotted with guilt.
"So," Amy continued as if I hadn't interrupted. "So today I decided. I'm going to make the best of this. I'm back to school tomorrow. It's a chance to make new friends so that's what I'm going to do." She fixed at me with a level grey gaze, daring me to contradict what she was about to say. "That's all that Grace is doing, with Haze. Maybe that's what you should do too."
I couldn't answer Amy so I shrugged.
"Fine," she said.
What had just happened? Amy and I never fought. Not ever. It lacerated me like hot wire. Amy was dead on about me not trusting anyone. Maybe she had a point there.
But not about Haze. Both she and Grace were wrong. How could I make them see?
We finished making dinner in strained silence. I wondered if this was all a carefully constructed put up job by Grace. Using Amy as a mouthpiece. Then I wondered if I was just paranoid. Possibly delusional. Maybe Mrs Cranford had had a day off her meds today or something.
No. Haze was something not right. I just needed to prove it.
I Belong to the Earth (Unveiled Book 1) Page 14