I had got Grace to go to bed with difficulty. I was trying to get Ciarán to leave. I wanted nothing more than to be alone for a couple of hours before Amy got home. I told myself that Ciarán didn't matter. That I was being petty and selfish. With Grace out of sight, Ciarán was suddenly warm and attentive again. It was giving me whiplash.
"You ok, Em?" He went to sweep my hair out of my eyes like he had before but I jerked away. Did he think I was stupid? Or desperate?
"What? What is it?" Ciarán said looked bewildered. I wondered if I was I going mad. Was this some game? Was he a pathological flirt who had to attract the attention of the most desirable girl available? Didn’t he remember anything? Then I remembered Ciarán's expression as he looked down at Grace and the memory tasted like cold ashes. It was a hundred years ago that we sat holding hands in the hollow on the moor. And it didn't matter because I didn't care.
"N-nothing. It's nothing. Ju-just stuff to d-do." I wouldn't meet his eyes.
"Are you saying you want some space?" He looked wounded, unreasonably so in my opinion.
"J-just for n-now." I couldn't stand to have him here a second longer. Please, please just leave. I can’t have you here right now.
"Okay. I guess you've had a lot to take in. But Em?" He raised my chin with his hand so I was forced to look into his eyes. "I meant what I said. I want to help. I'm here. I'm a friend. You can trust me."
I nodded against his palm, unable to speak and not believing a word of it. Anything to get him to leave now. I felt the same breathless shock I had when he'd answered the door this morning. I managed a half-smile but all the while an iron band was constricting around my heart. Because I didn't mean anything to him and apparently Grace did.
"I'll call for you tomorrow then," he said, sounding unconvinced. "What was with that Haze guy anyway?"
He was gone before I could answer. I sagged, resting my back against the door. I needed a friend, but did I really need one who clearly had a thing for my sister? The house was too still, too quiet. I fled upstairs to my piano, throwing a hateful glare at the cold spot as I ran past.
I played Chopin. Over and over. The intricate fingering required left me no concentration for my growing stack of problems. By the time I was vaguely satisfied with my interpretation, the poisonous brew that had been boiling inside me had drained away. I could be objective. My embarrassment had got in the way of me getting answers from Mrs Cranford. I had to go back to her, to apologise at least. That didn't mean I was taking on any weird missions.
I told myself that I didn't have feelings for Ciarán. He was just the first person, other than Amy or Mrs Cranford, who had accepted me as I was since the accident. Any threat to an early friendship was bound to make me feel territorial. Even if…even if Ciarán chose Grace over me, it didn't mean we couldn't be friends. Considering everything, I needed a friend right now, far more than I needed a love life right now. It was sensible, really. Maybe if Grace got involved with Ciarán, she'd forget Haze. I wouldn't have to do anything.
Good. Great.
Why did my chest feel so bruised then?
I crushed my wounded feelings down. It was better this way. I wouldn't get hurt if I accepted things as they were, rather than put up a fight. Okay, Ciarán issues sorted.
Paranormal issues - pending. Whatever had happened earlier, I was clear on two things; one, whatever Haze was doing to Grace was causing long-lasting changes. Maybe even damaging changes. Two, Haze now believed I was a threat, thanks to whatever I’d done to separate him and Ciarán earlier. I didn't think Haze could get to me in the house. He had never belonged here, I felt that instinctively. Outside was a different matter. I wouldn't be safe on the moor. I had to be careful. Feeling more emotionally organised, I shut the lid of the piano.
I Belong to the Earth (Unveiled Book 1) Page 26