His words had definitely given me comfort.
Jade: Thank you.
Tyler: No need to thank me.
Over the next several minutes, I kept typing sentences and erasing them, unsure of what to say next. I just knew I had never wanted anything more than to keep this chat going. I’d been miserable for weeks, but for some reason, talking to Tyler was making it all better.
Tyler: You typing up a dissertation there?
Jade: What do you mean?
Tyler: All I see are those little dots. It seemed like you were typing a lot.
Shit.
Tyler: Something you want to say?
Jade: To be honest, I’m not sure what to say next. I just know I’m enjoying chatting with you.
Tyler: You don’t have to say anything compelling. I’m enjoying just shooting the shit with you, too. I’ve had this idea of you in my head, and so far you’re nothing like it.
Jade: What idea was that?
Tyler: Just a preconceived notion of what a Broadway actress would be like.
Jade: You thought I was full of myself?
Tyler: I guess I was afraid of that, yeah. You’re a little intimidating.
Jade: That’s funny, because you’re actually the one making ME nervous right now.
Tyler: I can sense that. And I can’t even believe you just said that, by the way.
Jade: Why?
Tyler: Do you not remember the first time we met?
Jade: I remember.
God, how could I forget?
Tyler: When I forgot how to speak?
Jade: Yes.
Tyler: When I fucking broke that beer bottle?
Jade: Yes. LOL.
Tyler: It was because YOU made me nervous.
Jade: Why?
Tyler: I still don’t understand it. That had never happened to me.
Jade: I guess some things are just inexplicable.
Tyler. Yeah. They are.
I was staring at the screen, still unsure of what to say but positive of my not wanting this conversation to end.
Tyler: Wanna know the truth?
Jade: Yes.
His next message floored me.
Tyler: I thought you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.
TYLER
Well, that was a fucking stupid thing to say.
Dickhead!
She wasn’t responding. Great. Why the fuck did I just admit that again? Oh, yeah, because I’m a fucking idiot.
Totally inappropriate.
I fisted my hand and bit on my knuckles as I watched the little dots dancing around as she typed. She was either unsure of how to respond to my asinine admission or was about to tell me to go fuck myself.
Jade: Well, if you saw me now, you wouldn’t think so.
Phew. Alright, she’s attempting to make light of it.
Tyler: Why? What are you wearing?
What are you wearing?
Seriously? Fuck. There I go again.
Quick. Make a joke.
Tyler: Can I just ask…whatever it is, does it involve giant, gold paper clips?
Jade: They were safety pins, not paper clips! And no, it doesn’t. LOL. Actually, it’s a pretty ugly scene here tonight. I’ve got my leopard print Snuggie on because my apartment is freezing. I was too tired to take my makeup off, so I have raccoon eyes, and I just spilled a little rum and Coke on myself. And if I haven’t yet sank to the lowest point in my life, I might have just licked it off the sleeve of my Snuggie.
Somehow, even with all of that said, I doubted she looked anything but freaking gorgeous.
Tyler: Okay…I didn’t hear anything past Snuggie. Explain.
Jade: OMG…You don’t know what a Snuggie is? It’s a wearable blanket.
Tyler: Oh, I KNOW what it is. I’m just wondering what in God’s name you’re doing wearing one.
Jade: LOL. It’s the best. I live in this in the winter. Saves so much on heat because it keeps me really warm.
Tyler: You’re basically wrapping yourself up like an Eskimo to save on heat? Don’t they pay you enough?
Jade: Not to live in this city, no.
Tyler: Well, if you’re gonna wear a Snuggie, why not draw even more attention to yourself by making it leopard print. ;-)
Jade: My thoughts exactly. LOL!
I could practically hear her laughter through the computer screen. I knew she needed to laugh. That made me smile.
Tyler: By the way, I saw our nephew today.
Jade: How is he?
Tyler: He called me a dick.
Jade: OMG…I just literally spit out my drink.
Tyler: Careful. You wouldn’t want to have to take that Snuggie to the dry cleaners. That would be embarrassing.
Jade: LOL. Okay…Little D is only a year old. There is no way he called you a dick.
Tyler: I swear to God. It was his first word. Chelsea was there and confirmed it. He looked straight into my eyes and said, “dick.”
Jade: What did you do?
Tyler: I nodded and said, “Touché, little man.”
Jade: That’s too funny.
Tyler: It was.
Jade: How is my sister doing? I mean, I talk to her almost every day, but it’s hard to gauge if she’s downplaying things to make me feel less guilty.
Tyler: She seems okay. I don’t get to go over there as often as I’d like, but because I’m between shows now, I have a little extra time.
Jade: Congrats on the new role, by the way.
Tyler: How did you know about that?
Jade: The graphic you added as your Facebook cover photo.
Tyler: Oh, that’s right. You were looking for pictures of Little D. ;-)
Jade: Sigh.
Tyler: LOL Thanks, though. It’s no big deal. It’s as good as I’m gonna get out here…until I reach the big time…like a certain someone.
Jade: Have you considered moving to New York? You can only go so far in theater living in northern California.
Tyler: Honestly, I have considered it, but it’s hard to think about leaving my mother. She’s had some issues for several years ever since my father passed. Damien has even less time now than he used to, so I’m not sure I could move far away from her. I know she would tell me to go and do whatever I needed to, but she’s really more dependent on me than she realizes.
Jade: Well, can I tell you something honestly?
Tyler: I’d prefer you lie to me.
Jade: Are you always such a wiseass?
Tyler: Pretty much. What were you going to say?
Jade: New York is not all it’s cracked up to be. Some days I wish I could just come home.
Tyler: You don’t mean that. You wouldn’t give it up. You’re just frustrated because of that douche, and homesick on top of it.
Jade: You think so, huh?
Tyler: Yes. Part of the problem is that you’re so far away from home. I bet if your family were in New York or if you were closer, you wouldn’t feel that way.
Jade: You’re probably right.
There was a pause in our interaction until her next message.
Jade: I miss my mom.
It killed me to hear her say that. I knew exactly what she was thinking, that she might not get to see her again if something happened. I could sense that she must have been crying.
Tyler: It’s okay to cry.
Jade: How did you know?
Tyler: Intuition, I guess.
Jade: That’s pretty freaky.
Tyler: Well, I’m a bit of a freak.
Jade: LOL
Tyler: ^^^You’re laughing now.
Jade: Tyler Hennessey, don’t you have somewhere to be tonight, other than talking to me?
There were a million things I was supposed to be doing. None of them were going to get done until she ended this conversation.
Because there was no way I was going to be the first to let go.
Tyler: I have all night, Jade.
Jade: Where is your girlfriend?
Oh, that’s right. You have a girlfriend, fuckhead. Don’t forget that. Thank you for the reminder, Jade Jameson.
Tyler: She’s working right now, actually. She took a bartending job to supplement the makeup artist gig. I actually manage the restaurant where she works, but I’m off tonight.
Jade: That’s right. Chelsea mentioned that you’re a restaurant manager.
Tyler: Yup. The Bay Repertory stuff doesn’t exactly pay the bills. What else did Chelsea tell you about me?
Jade: Nothing bad. She actually mentioned how helpful you were to her back when Damien and she were having issues early on. She thinks you’re a sweetheart.
Tyler: She’s a sweetheart, too. Seriously. The best thing that’s ever happened to my family.
Jade: That’s really nice of you to say. I feel the same way about Damien. I’m so happy that my sister finally found the one.
Tyler: You’ll find the right one, too, someday.
Jade: I thought I did once.
Tyler: What happened?
Jade: It’s too long of a story to get into. Summed up in five seconds? His name was Justin. He was a musician. I thought he loved me. He broke my heart. But basically, it wasn’t meant to be.
Tyler: Then along came the married snake…
Jade: That one was my fault. We had really strong chemistry on stage, and I foolishly believed that would translate into real life somehow. But he was married for the majority of the time I’d known him, so I ruled it out. I would never dream of becoming the other woman. So, recently, when he told me he was divorcing, I somehow fell for it. And one night at my apartment, one thing led to another. Two weeks later, I find out it was all a lie. He’s been married all along. I’m so stupid.
I didn’t even know him, but I wanted to kill this asshole.
Tyler: You’re not stupid. He fucking lied to you. He took advantage of your vulnerability.
Jade: Yeah, but I thought I had better intuition.
Tyler: Jade, for what it’s worth, with everything going on with your mom, you have a lot on your mind at this point in your life. You’re probably not thinking straight. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. You’ll learn from it. It’s okay to have moments of weakness. People make mistakes.
I’m pretty sure I might be making one right now.
Over the next few weeks, I tried to convince myself that my secret chats with Jade were nothing more than friendly banter. But I knew better. In reality, I was likely headed to hell in a handbasket.
The surge of adrenaline whenever the Messenger notification would pop up was proof that, deep down, this was much more to me than just a friendly message chain.
I wasn’t expecting this to happen.
I lived for her messages—fucking addicted to talking to her.
And I was hiding in order to do it. There was no place I preferred being lately other than holed up in my room or in the bathroom talking to Jade.
If there was nothing wrong with it, why would I have to hide it whenever Nicole was home? Sometimes, I’d pretend to have to run an errand just so I could message Jade from my car in peace.
I knew it was wrong, but I’d managed to convince myself that it wasn’t cheating, since there was nothing sexual involved. Emotional, maybe, but not sexual. Aside from that first night when I stupidly admitted my physical attraction to her, we’d kept things pretty platonic. I vowed that wouldn’t change; I still maintained that I didn’t want to ever get involved with Chelsea’s sister. The distance between Jade and me was the blessing in all of this. She would always be in New York, and it was looking more and more likely that I was on the west coast to stay.
She and I really did just talk. We’d talk about our days, life goals, her past relationships. We talked about her mother. A lot. Her sisters. My brother. We talked about our nephew—we’d argue about whether he looked more like my side or hers. We’d discuss theater stuff, compare how things were managed in each of our shows. We could have talked shop all day long. We’d occasionally discuss politics, and sometimes that would result in little arguments, which I fucking loved. I loved fighting with her.
Sometimes, we’d talk about serious stuff, and other times, we’d just rehash what we’d eaten on a particular day. All of this, and I hadn’t even heard her voice. It didn’t matter. I loved communicating with her this way. What started as one quick message as a result of my curiosity had seriously turned into an unexpected friendship. Jade was nothing like you would assume based on her looks and occupation. She was down-to-earth, self-deprecating, and funny as hell. So funny.
For a very long time, I really did think that I was meant to be with Nicole. Now, I was confused. Even in the early days of my relationship with her, our conversations never ran as deeply as the ones I’d had in the short time I’d been chatting with Jade. It was hard not to compare them. I really needed to figure out what was going to happen with my girlfriend. It was getting to the shit or get off the pot level.
Nicole had made it very clear to me that she wanted to get married. She was constantly dropping hints. She and I had invested a lot of time into our relationship. That alone made me want to make it work. What was the point of the past two years if we were just going to give up now? And I didn’t want to hurt her. It seemed a heck of a lot easier to just continue doing what we were doing. But then Damien’s question from last Christmas would constantly come back to haunt me. Would I die for Nicole? I still couldn’t answer a yes to that question with absolute certainty.
Add to that, my current dilemma—the fact that it was getting harder to keep thoughts of Jade at bay—and I was one confused motherfucker. Especially since acting on things with Jade wouldn’t be an option. So, why would I change anything about my life if I couldn’t really be with her?
On this particular night, it had actually been a couple of days since I’d last heard from Jade. I guess we were taking an unofficial break from communicating. Maybe that was for the best.
I was grateful that Nicole and I were headed to Damien and Chelsea’s for dinner tonight. It would help take my mind off things. I just needed a mental break from worrying about my relationship. My brother, his wife, Little D, and the dogs would be a great distraction.
Nicole walked into the bathroom as I was spraying on some cologne. “Ready to go?”
“Yeah.” I looked her up and down. “You look nice.”
“Thanks, babe.” She smiled.
Nicole was wearing a cute little dress and had her hair down. She had gorgeous, long, dark hair—the polar opposite of Jade.
Why am I thinking about Jade again?
“Are we bringing something?” she asked.
“Yeah. I’ll stop on the way and get some beer.”
She leaned against the doorway. “It’ll be nice to see Little D.”
“Yeah. He’s getting big fast.”
She crossed her arms. “Everything okay with you?”
I looked at her through the mirror. “Yeah. Why do you ask?”
“You’ve just been a little quiet lately. Is something up?”
Even though that should have been my cue to start a conversation about the state of our relationship, I chickened out.
“Everything is fine, Nic. Everything is great.”
Like I said…hell in a handbasket.
The ride to Damien’s was uneventful. The tension in the air between Nicole and me had lessened. We stopped for beer and picked up stuff to make frozen margaritas since Chelsea had mentioned we were having Mexican for dinner when I called to ask her what we could bring.
It was a breezy evening in San Francisco, and I felt unusually relaxed. I should have known that it was all too good to be true.
Chelsea opened the door, and before I could get the words out to greet her, it was like the wind got knocked out of me.
Behind her shoulders, I could see the beautiful, statuesque blonde standing in the corner of the room. It was déjà vu all over again. My heart started to beat out of my chest, not only because I’d nea
rly forgotten how stunning she was in person, but because there was a random guy also standing next to her.
Jade and I hadn’t told anyone that we were connecting online; we’d agreed to that. So, I knew I was going to have to put on my acting hat real fast.
Damien must have sensed something about my reaction because he smirked at me.
“You remember my sister, Jade,” Chelsea said.
I approached her and held out my hand, sounding unnaturally formal. “Yes, of course. How have you been?”
Jaded and Tyed Page 2