by Nikolai Bird
I’m Not Alright, but I’m Okay
By Jason Wallace
Published by:
I’m Not Alright, but I’m Okay
Copyright © 2015 by Jason Wallace
I’m not alright,
But I’m okay.
You’re gonna leave me alone,
Anyway.
I don’t know what might have been,
But I don’t wanna fight,
So I let you win.
I don’t have the heart
To ask you to stay.
If you’re even half as miserable as me,
I’ll let you go.
You’re gonna miss me a lot
When you see
That nothing should have gone this way,
And I want you to know
I’m not alright,
But I’m okay.
You’re gonna leave me alone,
Anyway.
There’s nothing more that I can say
To convince you this is wrong,
And all along, you’ve been the one
To lead me astray
From all I ever knew
Because everything I wanted was all in you.
I’m nothing more than a man dying inside
For all he’s already lost that’s gone.
I’m not alright,
But I’m okay.
You’re gonna leave me alone,
Anyway.
I’m losing my mind.
No. Wait. It’s lost, and it can’t stay,
So we split.
I go the other way,
Though I’ve tried to bring it back with all my might.
I’m not ok, and I’m not alright.
I’m anything but anything, at all, tonight.
I’m a mess with all the best gone out of sight.
You left me here to figure out this pain,
Reliving, re-envisioning, all the blame, all the same,
Memorizing misery and shame,
Regretting anything and everything and
Wanting not even my own name.
I’m apart, heartless, stripped so far,
In a pit, in a hole, so down, no climb over height,
Nothing but numb and not alright.
I’m not alright,
But I’m okay.
You’re gonna leave me alone,
Anyway.
Leave me alone, anyway.
I don’t know what you were thinkin’,
Breakin’ up with me on the weekend,
Like I wouldn’t go out on the town again.
Now, you try to change your wording,
Pretending that you’re actually hurting.
You like to play me at a losing game; I win.
I cried all I could when you walked out,
But now, I’ve changed my locks; you’re locked out,
So don’t come knockin’ down my door.
I’m past the point of breaking.
My heart, it’s done it aching.
It ain’t about to beg for more,
And I don’t know what you ever loved me for.
If I could, I would just take off,
Far away and stay away for my sake; all
You had to do was love me a little more.
You couldn’t do it when I gave you
Every chance to change and even me to save you
From yourself, but you couldn’t help but me, ignore.
I don’t know what you ever loved me for.
Did you ever love me at all,
Or was I your way of killing time?
I tried like hell,
But there was no way to make you mine.
You’ve only made me blind
With tears too many to name,
Though I tried to name them one by one.
I’m the same but not the same as you,
And I never saw you as just some fun.
You were the only one
And all I could ever want,
But I was always less than the more
You should’ve shown to me or
Given freely, but what did you ever love me for?
If I could, I would just take off,
Far away and stay away for my sake; all
You had to do was love me a little more.
You couldn’t do it when I gave you
Every chance to change and even me to save you
From yourself, but you couldn’t help but me, ignore.
I don’t know what you ever loved me for.
If I could, I would just take off,
Far away and stay away for my sake; all
You had to do was love me a little more.
You couldn’t do it when I gave you
Every chance to change and even me to save you
From yourself, but you couldn’t help but me, ignore.
I don’t know what you ever loved me for.
What did you love me for,
And what did you say when
You left through the door?
It sure wasn’t those three words I always heard
And wondered if you meant
Because I was some sick experiment,
And you were always keeping score,
Which, I believe, is now 3 and 0
But this time for good.
What did you love me for,
Or did you or think you ever should?
If I could, I would just take off,
Far away and stay away for my sake; all
You had to do was love me a little more.
You couldn’t do it when I gave you
Every chance to change and even me to save you
From yourself, but you couldn’t help but me, ignore.
I don’t know what you ever loved me for.
What did I do to you
To make you give so much abuse,
And what did I do all this for?
What did you ever love me for?
Hopeless
Living like I'm in constant fear
I swear I don't know
Who I am
A life full of
So much regret
It tears apart my soul
I look in my broken mirror
I think I see a man
But the shape looks so cold
Indignant, indecent, recently,
A shred of dignity
Is all I ask myself for
Repentant but not enough penitence
Ignorant of how to carry on one day more
Careful contemplation of
My imagination of self-gratification
The face I'm facing is erasing any
Of anything I once felt
Feeling strangulation, exaggerating the inner aching
Taking myself for granted, losing what is left
Hoping I have a home I can call on
Because this place where I am
Is nothingness to me
Searching for something I can be proud of
I fall on
Nothing but
Misery
Terrified
Of a life
That I no longer want to live
I don't feel alive
So dead inside
Is there more out there to gain, to give
Alone again, unknown to the end
By anyone that could
Help me out of my hole and be whole again
Surrounded by shame
Turned around by so much blame
It seems that's all there is anymore
All I have left is my name
And more pain
Than any one person should
Carry with them yet still feel the same
As they always did before
Disheartened, hardened heartache
Dissipated, disillusioned, partly fake
Taking one day at a time
Enlightened yet so frightened
By knowing nothing but
Insanity plus
Memories that get mixed and misinterpreted
And make me lose my mind
If in the end, I find
Some bit of truth, of a sign
Of where I might go next
It could be worth
All the good, bad, and worse
And the worst yet to come
To figure out what hope I have left
But until that day
Come what may
I couldn't feel like less than I do right now
I might not have to end it all
To fix the fall
And might find some strength to fight some way, somehow
But all I know is low
All this time runs slow
It's more emptiness than one should be allowed
I wish for nothing more than some way out
Haunted Like This
It's hard to move on
When you're broken inside
You used to hold out hope
But your hopes have all died
You couldn't mop up
All the tears that you've cried
And the moment they said
You were everything
You knew that they lied
So you go to nowhere no one knows
And push in all the pain
You tell yourself I don't care or want it to show
But it's all there is in your brain
So sacrifice yourself on the altar of regret
As you walk down the cold, open, long, and broken road
All you wish for is freezing rain
And a semblance of sentiment from the one you can't forget
Ten more seconds and you know you'll just snap
You'll either go insane or have a heart attack
And the very instant you almost feel a beginning
To being whole again
The one you miss calls you to fill you in
On some things you kind of wish you didn't learn
But you can't unhear the burden that burns
You want them back
But don't know why
Or if they can do more than lie
Yet don't want to take a number to take your turn
A spoiled rotten emptiness
Brought about to leave you for dead
Forgotten, lonely
But still not buried yet
Waiting for, praying for
The sweet release of time
Watching as
Every bit of anything passes you by
Every attempt at life is never hit but miss
Every sense of anything or sentiment of innocence
Is gone, leading down to a hole
Paving over with stone
The deepness of the abyss
Cold and covered over, haunted like this
In the Dead of Night
I wear this mask
To hide and deaden the pain
When all I want to do
Is call you
And scream out your name
You almost act like you want me back
But no matter this or that,
It's just not the same
I