by Sue MacKay
Not sure how Tam would feel about that.
‘We’ll be there,’ she told Michael quickly.
Giving him a taste of his own medicine by not consulting with him before accepting? ‘Seems that’s a yes. Might as well have a meal at the same time.’
Tamara tugged her hand away and picked up a file from the counter, like she was dismissing him. Regretting that they’d told everyone? Or still assimilating the fact they weren’t alone with this any more? Tam would struggle with having shared something so personal.
He leaned in to say, for her ears only, ‘Yesterday I overheard two nurses commenting on your tiredness and how you’re not eating as much as usual. By telling everyone, we’ve stopped the gossip before it gets out of hand.’
Troubled eyes met his gaze. ‘Or started something bigger.’
The media. The ever-present monster. Maybe she’d been right to think it best to hide the fact she was pregnant. But that wouldn’t work. Babies tended to become very obvious after a few months of incubating. ‘Hey, guys, one more thing.’ Probably huffing into the wind, but worth a try. ‘We’d prefer it if our news could stay among the team, and not be broadcast over the city.’
‘Fair enough.’
‘Good idea.’
‘Of course.’
They’d have to wait to know if everyone was completely with them on this. Or go to Sydney sooner rather than later.
The phone from Ambulance Headquarters rang and ended the chattering.
But not the questions buzzing in Conor’s head as he picked up a patient’s notes. Did he even want to move to Sydney now that the reason for going had disappeared? Would Tam be just as comfortable in Dublin? Or should they stay here and brazen it out? No. Not that. It would be unfair on the baby, and Tam.
Spring air floated before him. Soft fingers alighted on his forearm. ‘Conor? Thanks.’
‘What’d I do?’
‘Made me see how much of a secret I’ve been living. I don’t tell people, friends even, much about what I’m up to and that’s been stifling. For the last two years I’ve been in shut-down mode. Not the way I used to live and...’ she drew a breath and lifted her shoulders ‘...not how I intend bringing up my child.’ Her eyes were filled with surprise and something else. Relief.
To hell with being at work. Conor leapt to his feet and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, placed a soft kiss on her forehead. Okay, so not the kiss he wanted to give but, yes, they were in the middle of the emergency department. ‘Go, girl. You will do just great. Never forget I’ve got your back.’ Another sneaky kiss and he stepped back, still watching her. ‘Hey, no tears, ’cos you’re making my eyes well up and that is so not a good look when I’m the boss around here.’
* * *
Slipping the spring green floaty top over her head, Tamara peered into the ridiculously small mirror in the staff locker room. If that image didn’t raise a smile on Conor’s dial then she might as well go back to baggy tees.
Hugging herself, she laughed softly. In February she’d been walking past a shop that had once been her favourite go-to place for great clothes and had spied this blouse in the window. It had been one of those have-to-have moments that had cost far too much money even in the end-of-summer sale. Since then the blouse had languished at the back of her wardrobe. But today spring was in the air and in the colours of the blouse. Spring came filled with promise, exactly how she felt at the moment. The media wouldn’t rule her life again. Neither would Peter get a look in. But Conor? Oh, yes. Bring him on, centre stage. And... Tamara did a little dance on the spot. And she was going to meet her baby in a little over an hour.
The door swung wide and Kelli strolled in. ‘Hello? Has anyone seen my friend? The one who hides in frumpy clothes and doesn’t wear make-up? The one who doesn’t own gorgeous, to-die-for blouses and tight capris. Seems you haven’t forgotten how make-up works either.’
‘I saw that woman leaving home early this morning,’ Tamara gave straight back. ‘You’re stuck with me now.’
‘I’m not even going to ask.’
Wait two minutes and I bet you do. I’ll save you the bother.
‘It’s time, Kelli.’
Her friend nodded. ‘I agree.’
‘Way past it, if I’m honest. This baby’s shaking me up something terrible. But it’s also exciting. I want to do right by him or her, which means moving on, dropping the past.’
‘Nothing to do with Conor, then? You’re not trying to impress him?’ A cheeky grin took any edge out of her words. ‘Because you need to know baby has no idea what you’re wearing, but Conor is going to melt on the spot when he sees you.’
Tamara smiled. ‘Ninety percent to do with him. I’ve been a fashion nightmare far too long. It’s surprising Conor took me to bed in the first place, don’t you think?’
‘No, I don’t. You’ve always been more than your clothes, girlfriend. But I’m thrilled to see you all dressed up and looking like you own the world.’
‘I’ll pay you when I’ve been to the cash machine.’ The excitement bubbled up again. Today she’d made inroads into getting on with this new life that made her feel proud. Strong, even. Stronger.
‘I can’t wait to hear about the scan. You will tell me everything, won’t you?’
‘I’ll bore you to sleep with the details. Oh, Kells, it’s true. I’m having a baby.’ A little life was growing inside her and she was about to hear its heart beating and see it moving. A lone tear sneaked out from the corner of her eye.
‘Yeah, you are.’ A hint of wistfulness came through those three words.
‘Kelli?’
‘If you need a godmother for this baby, you’ve got my number.’
‘The job’s yours, as of now.’ It was something she’d already decided on, had just been waiting to discuss it with Conor first. Oops. She needed to rectify that fast.
The stunned look on Conor’s face when she walked into his office raised her self-awareness to a whole new level and made her realise how low she’d gone. ‘I thought you looked beautiful before.’ He came around his desk to kiss her. ‘I had no idea.’
‘Are you ready?’ Time was moving too fast. ‘Rush hour’s started and I’d hate to be late for this appointment.’
He swung his car keys from his fingers. ‘We’re off.’
‘Snails are passing us,’ she muttered as the line of traffic stalled at lights for the umpteenth time.
‘School’s out. It’s to be expected.’
‘You’re too calm.’
‘One of us has to be.’ Conor lifted her hand from her lap and kissed each finger in turn.
‘Aren’t you tearing apart with excitement? With the need to see our baby?’ Her stomach was going to take days to recover from this, churning away like a washing machine stuck on fast.
‘Oh, yeah.’
The car jerked forward, stopping an inch from the car in front. ‘Come on, move,’ Tamara yelled, and pounded her knees with her fists. ‘This is ridiculous.’ She turned on Conor. ‘You can stop laughing and all.’
‘We have forty minutes to cover less than a kilometre. I don’t see the problem.’
Leaning back, she closed her eyes and counted to ten. ‘Why are men so damned reasonable?’ Opening her eyes, she fixed him with a glare. ‘Or is it only you?’
He just laughed. Again.
‘You are excited.’ Yes. ‘We’re on the same page.’
‘Better get used to it.’ He grinned. ‘This is how it should be for evermore.’
Her happiness tripped. Righted itself. She’d run with his easy talk. New day, new outlook. ‘Um, just one thing. I was going to talk to you first but the words kind of slipped out. I told Kelli I’d like her to be baby’s godmother.’
‘That’s fine. She’s a perfect choice.’
‘Yep. Gives me leeway for my stuff-ups.’ Conor was tapping out a tune on the steering wheel as he waited for the lights to change. On the footpath two youngsters sped past on skateboards. ‘Kids, eh? I can’t believe we’re going to see our child. Ours.’
‘If we ever get there.’
‘Is it a boy or a girl?’
‘Does that matter?’ She didn’t mind one way or the other, though she had started calling the baby he or him. Probably because of the mental images her mind drew up on a regular basis of a much younger version of Conor. That black hair; those blue eyes that were more often than not filled with warmth and laughter; the smile to beat all smiles that turned her to putty.
Beside her Conor laughed. ‘Not at all, but I want to know so I can call the baby her or him and be right. I want all the things I plan for our child to be in the right colour, the right head space, the right shape.’
‘You want pink for a girl and blue for a boy?’ Tamara spluttered.
‘Old-fashioned, huh?’
‘Very. Believe me, I won’t be buying only pink if we have a girl. There’ll be every colour of the rainbow in her clothes, her room, her toys.’
‘Ah, but no pink anywhere if it’s a boy.’
‘Deal.’ Another hand squeeze. ‘Though what if he wants to be a ballerina?’
‘Does he have to be a pink one?’
‘His call.’
‘Fair enough. Pick our battles is what you’re really saying.’ He turned to her and placed his hands on her shoulders. ‘You’re awesome, you know that?’
Her mouth dried. About to shake her head, she stopped. If Conor thought that she’d take the compliment, enjoy it. Accept it. ‘I think we’re a great pair of would-be parents. I’ll make the rules and you follow them.’ She held her breath while waiting to see how he dealt with her joke.
He laughed some more. ‘Sounds like something my sisters would say.’
‘So I’m in with a chance with the Irish gang, then?’
‘I wouldn’t put you in the bonkers league but, yeah, they’ll adore you.’ He gave an exaggerated sigh. ‘And I’ll be in deeper trouble.’
* * *
Tamara stared at the image on the screen beside her. A tiny human floated before her eyes as she listened to the gentle rhythm of her baby’s heart. Her chest expanded, filling with love for this child. Her child. Hers and Conor’s. Blindly scrabbling around, she found Conor’s hand, grabbed it and held on tight, never taking her eyes off the baby. Words were beyond her. Probably just as well. She wouldn’t make any sense.
‘Will you look at that?’ Conor’s voice sounded all clogged up as he stared at the image. Their faces were reflected back at them from the screen as their baby moved in the fluid supporting it. ‘That’s my baby,’ he choked around some obstacle no doubt in the back of his throat.
‘Our baby,’ Tamara admonished in an equally starstruck tone when speech was possible. ‘Isn’t he beautiful?’
Now it was Conor gripping her hand tight, holding on like he couldn’t take in what he was seeing. ‘To think I believed I could forego becoming a parent. I didn’t have a clue. It wasn’t an easy decision, I admit.’ His free hand waved through the air. ‘I don’t know what to say.’
‘Different from seeing your nieces and nephews after they were born, eh?’
‘Doesn’t come close. To think what I wanted to do to those condom manufacturers when you said you were pregnant. Now I could kiss them.’
Tamara continued watching the small movements on the screen as the sonographer pressed the wand deeper into her belly. ‘Guess you get to hear all sorts of weird and wonderful conversations while you’re doing scans,’ Tamara said to her.
She grinned. ‘You have no idea. You two are boringly normal.’
Normal was good. For them at any rate. So far not much else had been. ‘Is everything as it should be?’ Tamara asked with a hitch in her voice, her throat suddenly dry.
‘Yes. Baby’s the right length for twelve weeks. The heart rate is good.’
Tamara relaxed. ‘That’s the best news so far.’
‘Do you want to know the baby’s gender?’
‘I do,’ Tam answered quickly, then looked at Conor. ‘Do you?’
‘Absolutely,’ Conor agreed. ‘We can’t keep calling the baby he or him without knowing for sure there’s a wee lad in there.’
‘You’re just thinking of the paint pails.’
The sonographer rolled the wand across Tamara’s stomach, staring at the screen as she found the view of the baby she required. ‘There you go. You’re having a boy.’
Wonder ripped through Tamara. A boy. Not he or it, but a boy. For real.
‘A son.’ Wonder deepened Conor’s accent. ‘Not that it would’ve mattered if we were having a girl.’
‘An All Black in the making.’ Except their son probably wouldn’t be growing up in New Zealand. ‘A soccer player or a rally driver.’
‘Not a ballerina, then?’ Conor grinned. Then he shivered and the excitement went out in his eyes, the colour faded from his face.
Tamara focused entirely on the man who was changing her life for the better. ‘Conor?’ Her hand gripped his tightly. She shook him when he wouldn’t meet her gaze. ‘Look at me.’
He shuddered.
Then she knew. He was afraid for his son. Leaning closer, she spoke quietly. ‘Forewarned is forearmed, remember?’ She turned to the sonographer now cleaning her gear. ‘Could we have a few moments to ourselves, please?’
‘Not a problem. I’ll print some images for you and then the room is all yours.’
Tamara waited impatiently. Yes, she wanted those pictures. But right this moment she needed to talk to Conor, to help him past his fear. This time she had to be the strong one, had to ignore her own worries about baby’s heart. For now anyway.
The door hadn’t closed behind the technician when Tamara lifted Conor’s cold hand to her lips and placed a kiss on each knuckle. ‘You have every right to worry, Conor, but do you really want to spend the coming years going around in a cloud of doom and gloom when you could be enjoying so many things with your son?’
‘A son whose life might be taken in an instant.’
‘A son who will most likely annoy the hell out of you as he grows up and who will give you equally as much pleasure and joy and pride.’
‘How can you believe that without being terrified something will go wrong?’
‘I have to. I can’t let fear dictate, otherwise our son’s life will be a misery. I’ve lived that life recently, and it’s a waste of valuable time. A complete waste.’
Winter was in the blue eyes that connected with hers. ‘I wish I had half your strength.’
‘You do.’
His eyes widened. ‘I panic.’
‘Sure you do. I go crazy if I see a spider. Not in the same league, but in the end just as pointless and just as uncontrollable.’ As had been Peter. It wouldn’t have mattered if she’d not done as he’d bidden, he’d have found a way to steal everything from her and her parents.
The tip of Conor’s tongue slid along his lips. ‘You’re good for me, you know that?’
‘Keep believing that and we’ll get along fine.’ She was learning to accept how good Conor was for her too. They were making progress.
CHAPTER NINE
‘WANT TO GO to the mall in the morning?’ Conor heard Kelli ask Tamara over the noise of their work friends at the pub. ‘The shops are filled with new summer styles.’
He stared into his water glass as he waited for her reply. Not that he’d asked Tamara to do anything over the weekend yet. He’d been leaving that until they were alone. If they got to be alone tonight. Cel
ebrating Michael’s birthday and then the news about their baby had become a long haul even when drinking nothing more innocuous than water in deference to tomorrow’s race. The night was taking its toll on Tamara. She looked exhausted, but also the happiest he’d seen her in a long time. If not ever.
‘I thought I’d go and watch Conor run his race in the morning.’
‘Are you serious?’ Conor asked without thought.
‘You don’t want me there?’ Tamara asked around that smile that hadn’t slipped once since leaving Auckland Radiation Services.
And before it did he answered, ‘It’s more than all right, but be warned, you’ll be bored most of the time.’
‘I can stand with other bored onlookers.’ That smile grew, filled with warmth and something else. Something more than affection? For him?
Hard to know. Tamara hid her feelings well. Like he did. But then he didn’t know his feelings for her. Couldn’t fathom them, knew he wanted to be with her always, but did that mean he loved her? There was this lurking sensation in his gut that once he admitted he might, she’d sense his change and withdraw when he’d only just got her onside. Plenty of time to think about this. ‘You’d prefer that to a mall filled with shops and sales? You’re nuts.’
‘I get to spend time with you, don’t I?’ The smile softened further.
‘I know when I’m not wanted.’ Kelli rolled her eyes and headed to the bar.
‘Something’s up with her.’ Tamara’s eyes tracked her friend.
‘Go with her tomorrow if you’re worried.’
‘As much as I’d like to, you and I have a lot to work through and for baby’s sake that’s more important at the moment.’ Her hand lay on her tummy while her gaze was still on her friend. ‘I’ll see Kelli during the week. It’s her grandfather’s birthday on Sunday and I know everyone’s worried about his health.’
‘But you think there’s something else?’
‘It was the sadness in her eyes when I told her about our baby. Like she believes she’ll never have the same opportunity.’
Conor leaned close, and kissed the corner of her mouth. ‘You know what that’s like.’ Another kiss. ‘And look how it’s turned out for you.’