by AJ Quinn
Darien didn’t fight it. On the contrary, she wanted to keep Jessie close. Her presence allowed her to feel sheltered, safe, and protected, and temporarily smothered the loneliness she believed she could never escape.
Blindly, she reached out and wrapped herself in Jessie’s embrace, absorbed the warmth of her skin, and held on with all her might.
*
“It was just a dream. You’re safe.”
Although Darien had yet to say anything, Jessie didn’t stop talking to her. Softly, carefully. A continuous litany of comforting words meant to ease her back and not shatter whatever balance Darien had managed to find in the minutes since she’d woken up screaming.
But Jessie knew the words were also meant to allay the fears that clouded her own mind. She pushed back the momentary panic that had gripped her when she’d heard the first scream. She’d been in her own room, on the phone with Elle getting an update. Terrified that someone had managed to somehow get to Darien when she was in no condition to defend herself, she’d dropped the phone.
She’d grabbed Darien’s backup weapon and run toward the other bedroom, not certain what to expect but determined to help. The screams had been bad enough. The silence that followed a hundred times worse. But what she found was Darien sitting up on the bed. Alone.
She was shuddering and pale. Eyes wild and glazed with terror and dark against the pallor of her face, her knees were drawn up against her chest, while her arms were wrapped around her legs. She was rocking and muttering, “Oh God. Oh God,” over and over again as she continued to rock, continued to try to force air in and out of her lungs.
For several minutes, Jessie alternated between cursing Darien and herself as she tried to soothe, to calm. She’d never felt anything as cold as Darien’s skin. Nor could she remember a time when she had felt as helpless.
She watched Darien struggle for air, saw the sheen of perspiration on her skin. Even now her body was still trembling, and although the tremors had begun to subside, she could still feel the tension coiled in her muscles. Just as she could still see the shadows in Darien’s eyes.
It was telling that even if it was because Darien was too weak to argue or too tired to care, she accepted Jessie’s presence beside her on the bed. It was also all too clear that, at least for the moment, the edge that helped keep Darien detached from those around her and one step ahead was gone as she allowed Jessie to hold her. Rock her. As she accepted her touch.
For her part, Jessie wasn’t certain what she should say to her. She couldn’t begin to describe her own feelings, had no clue as to Darien’s. So they remained as they were on the bed. Jessie sitting up with her back against the stack of pillows, Darien resting in her arms.
“Are they always this bad?”
The edgy silence continued as she tried to consider whether Darien hadn’t heard her or was simply sidestepping the question. But after a moment, she heard a sigh shudder out and listened as the words began to form. “Sometimes it’s worse than others. It hasn’t been this bad in quite some time.”
“I’m guessing that’s a good thing because you scared me half to death as it was.” She tipped her head so she could see Darien’s face. “Do you want to tell me about it?”
She felt the tension in Darien’s body increase before she shook her head. “It’s just a nightmare.”
“All right. Not to suggest you’ve had any stress in your life lately that could bring on a nightmare, but you said sometimes it’s worse than others, so I’m guessing this is a recurring dream. Does anything in particular trigger it?”
“Breathing.”
A faint smile pulled at the corners of Jessie’s mouth. “Well, at least now that I know, I’ll be better prepared.”
Darien released a small strangled laugh before falling silent again. Restless with memories she probably didn’t realize were still visible on her face and still shadowing her eyes, she shifted out of Jessie’s arms, but surprisingly, remained close enough that their bodies were still touching. “I’m sorry I frightened you.”
“It’s okay.”
Darien remained quiet for what felt like a long time. Jessie had hoped she’d keep talking, but as she looked at her, she realized another piece of the puzzle had just slipped into place. “This is why Zoey doesn’t live with you, isn’t it?”
Seconds dragged by as Darien stared at her. “Just how much did Ben tell you about me?”
Jessie shrugged. “Not all that much, really. But I’m an analyst, remember? That means I’m quite good at looking at disparate puzzle pieces and coming up with reasonable assumptions.”
Darien caught her lower lip with her upper teeth and bit. The gesture was totally unconscious and sexy as hell. Then she turned her head, and her hair formed a curtain to hide her profile. “Zoey was having enough problems with flashbacks of her own when I first took her in. And while it didn’t happen all the time, having me occasionally wake her up in the middle of the night screaming didn’t help.”
“What did you do?”
“Believe it or not, I actually tried to work through it with one of the psychiatrists attached to MI6. It helped a bit, but not nearly enough. Then I tried staying up all night, not going to sleep until Zoey left for the school we’d found for her.”
Jessie tried not to let her reaction show. “How did that work out for you?”
“About how you’d expect. All I did was get my days and nights confused. I thought I’d eventually get used to it, but instead I was tired all the time, and when it almost got me killed while doing a job in Mogadishu, Zoey and I both knew we couldn’t go on like that.”
“So you bought the house in the Latin Quarter and gave Zoey your old place.”
Darien nodded then shivered and winced, reminding Jessie of why they were here and what had transpired earlier. Reminding her that Darien was still hurting.
“You know what? We can talk about what I know and don’t know later. Right now, just tell me what I can do to help. Tell me what you need. Can I get you something? Some coffee or water or something stronger? There’s probably something in the minibar or I can call room service, if you’d like.”
“Nothing, thanks. I’m good.”
But she wasn’t. She looked cold and pale, and though her face was impassive, Jessie had only to look in her eyes to see the echoes of pain lingering there. “If I ask, will you answer another personal question?”
Darien met her gaze and said, “Why would you stop now, Jesslyn? You’ve been on a roll tonight.”
“Who hurt you?”
In the span of the heartbeat before she turned away, Darien gave an impatient shake of her head. “No one—it doesn’t matter.”
But it did matter. Jessie could see it. Feel it. She wanted to push, but wasn’t certain how hard. Just as, damn it, she wanted to shake Darien. Shake all the demons crowding her and get to the bottom of whatever had driven her to scream the way she had.
Perhaps Darien saw some of what was on her mind.
Anger wouldn’t have stopped Jessie from pushing. Nor would a demand to back off. But the plea that leaped out from Darien’s shadowed eyes, along with the weariness etched in her face, did. “You know what? We can talk later. Right now, more than anything, I think you need to sleep.”
“Sleep’s highly overrated.” There was an odd catch in Darien’s voice. The faint lines around her eyes and mouth tightened and her hands visibly trembled for an instant before she fisted them. “Besides which, there’s really not much point. As soon as I fall asleep, especially in this state, the dream will come.”
“You could always try to dream of me,” Jessie said lightly. Darien turned to study her, her stare dark and haunted as she struggled to come up with an appropriate or smart comment. When neither was forthcoming, Jessie wondered only for a second or two if she knew what she was doing. Then she stopped thinking.
Reaching out, she put her arms around Darien again and drew her head onto her shoulder. She felt her immediately stiffen, felt her body
tense and push against her, and figured she was about to bolt. But something in her expression had gotten to Jessie, threatening to break her heart. Whatever was eating away at Darien was very real and very deep. So she held on.
“Please don’t fight me,” Jessie murmured. “I just want to help.”
“You can’t help.”
“Actually, I can. But only if you let me.”
She found Darien’s skin still frighteningly cold to the touch and began rubbing her gently to warm her. She felt like silk, but Jessie could also feel the strength in the muscles that lay just beneath the deceptively soft exterior.
Darien’s breathing quickened, and she remained stiff in her arms for the longest time without saying another word. But little by little, Jessie felt her begin to relax, and finally, after a few more minutes had passed, she released a ragged sigh. Tilting her head back, Darien looked at her.
“What is it?” Jessie asked.
“Are you planning to hold me all night?”
The quiet question swirled around Jessie while Darien’s breath feathered warmly on her neck. “Yes, if that’s what it takes to get you to sleep through until morning. Go to sleep, Dare.”
Surprisingly, she didn’t argue. All the fight seemed to have gone out of her, and as she closed her eyes, Darien let out another soft sigh. “You’ll stay?” Her words a sleepy plea, Darien didn’t wait for an answer before she reached out blindly with one hand and held on.
“I’ll be right here,” Jessie whispered, filling the darkness with her promise. “I’m not going anywhere. Now go to sleep.”
Darien held out only long enough to hear her response. In the seconds that followed, Darien’s breathing evened out and she slowly slipped into what Jessie hoped was a deep, dreamless sleep.
Once she was convinced Darien was truly asleep, Jessie shifted and settled her more comfortably in her arms. Feeling strangely exhilarated and not tired in the least, she looked at Darien and, in the involuntary honesty of sleep, saw her in a way she’d not seen her before. With her dark hair strewn across her face, she looked young. Soft. Vulnerable.
Chapter Thirteen
Somehow, she’d forgotten.
Or perhaps she’d never really known how wonderful just being held by a woman could be. How soft and how warm it felt. The sensation should have made her pull back. But instead, it made a shambles of all the defenses she’d spent years building. And as she lost the battle with sleep and gave herself over to Morpheus, god of sleep and dreams, Jessie’s arms wrapped around her gave Darien a sense of comfort and security she’d not known in years.
It felt so damn good, so rare. It smothered the loneliness she’d always believed she could never escape, and she wanted to keep the feeling close for as long as possible. It was almost enough to keep her from sleeping, just so she could prolong the moment.
But in the end, it didn’t really matter. Maybe it was from the pain or from exhaustion or a combination of the two. Or maybe it was simply because she was breathing the same air as Jessie while being held in her arms. Whatever the reason, her eyes drifted closed, she succumbed to the lure of sleep, and she slept for almost four hours. Deep, sweet sleep without nightmares—only pleasurable images and sensations.
When she finally awoke into the gray light of predawn, she did so as she always did. Surfacing fast, alert and braced.
She ran a quick inventory and was pleased that this time there was no disorientation. Her head was still aching, only less so. But that was to be expected as she dimly recalled the doctor saying postconcussion symptoms could linger a week or more. Her ribs were still tender, but that was also to be expected. More importantly, she knew exactly where she was and whose arms were holding her.
It had been a very long time since she’d awoken next to a woman. Closeness wasn’t something she allowed herself. And even the last few occasions had only been about the job. The woman had been an MI6 operative whose life she’d just saved, and after spending the night crawling through the dark to safety, they’d managed to find a hole-in-the-wall hotel before collapsing together on the single bed and sleeping for nearly twenty hours.
She sensed Jessie was only sleeping lightly and knew she would have felt the change in her breathing the moment she woke up. But she was in no hurry to move, in no rush to leave the safe haven she’d been given, so she stayed perfectly still where she was. Wrapped in Jessie’s arms with her head pressed against Jessie’s chest. Drawing in one deep breath after another. Breathing in the faint scent of lavender soap on her skin and holding on so tight Jessie’s heart couldn’t beat without Darien feeling it.
“Are you feeling better?” Jessie’s breath was soft and warm.
“Surprisingly so.” Her voice was rough with sleep. Turning slightly, she pushed her hair away from her face. “Thank you. I would guess I owe you one.”
“For what?”
She felt Jessie’s eyes skim lightly over her face as she pondered the question. “For making sure I was all right. For holding me until I could breathe again. For staying with me while I slept. All of it.”
As she spoke, she felt a sudden hunger—greater than her will to deny it. Her body hummed with heat and life and she remembered her dreams. Remembered Jessie had been featured prominently in them. Caught in the moment, she recognized she felt something for Jessie. Something new, different, and uncomfortably strong.
Before she could think about what she was doing or stop herself, not even sure she wanted to, she turned to face Jessie and, in the gloom that shrouded the room, found her mouth.
Not hard. Just hot, sweet, and soft. Lingering.
*
God, the woman can kiss.
For an instant, that was all Jessie could think. Only Darien’s lips existed as they moved over hers. Seducing, giving, demanding, until she wanted to do nothing more than surrender. She wanted to inhale the heated fragrance of Darien’s skin. Wanted to keep tasting her. Simply wanted her. Over and over again.
But only for an instant. Even as her body began to respond, the last vestiges of self-preservation kicked in, and she forced herself to draw back. Forced herself to ignore the way Darien’s lips tasted, and the way it felt when those smoky eyes were trained on her with desire.
“What are you doing?”
“I would have thought it was obvious, but since you’re asking, I must be doing something wrong.” Darien’s smile was surprisingly mischievous. “I’m trying to say thank you.”
She leaned in closer, lifted her right hand, and skimmed her thumb along Jessie’s cheekbone. Leaned in farther and slid her lips along her jaw, the smooth column of her neck, her collarbone. Nuzzled her throat.
Jessie forced herself to remain dead still. “Darien, don’t.”
Her tone said it all.
In that fractured instant, Darien rolled away. She lay on her back and stared up at the ceiling as the silence lengthened, heavy and oppressive. Irritation and hurt flitted across her face as her smile dissolved into a mask, leaving no hint of expression on her face.
“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. My social skills may not have been the best to begin with, but I don’t normally misread signals so badly. All I can think is I’ve been alone in the field for too long. Clearly I was out of line, but I can assure you it won’t happen again.”
Jessie felt trapped between conflicting desires. Keeping to herself emotions she wasn’t yet ready to face, she tried to make amends. “Darien, no. It’s not that…you didn’t. Misread anything, that is. It’s just that—” The situation had quickly gone off the rails and she wasn’t helping matters. She wasn’t sure she could explain what she was thinking, even to herself. She reached for the bedside lamp and turned it on. Watched Darien’s eyes narrow in defense and lost her train of thought. “Jesus, you’re so damned beautiful.”
“I’m sorry, is that why you’re not interested?” Darien’s eyes had become as flat as her voice, and all the warmth that had been there in the minutes before fled.
“Of course not. It isn’t—damn it, none of this is as clear-cut for me as it is for you.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
There were no easy answers. Moistening her lips, Jessie laid a hand on Darien’s arm and immediately felt it vibrating with tension. “It means I’m not sure how to handle this, and I’m well aware I’m not making any sense.”
“Try a little harder, Jesslyn.”
“I’m trying. Damn it, you confuse the hell out of me. I’m attracted to you…I want you,” Jessie admitted as an inchoate yearning coursed through her. “Enough that it’s distracting. Enough that it’s starting to hurt.”
Darien breathed out a sigh. “Then I fail to see the problem, because from where I’m standing, I see two adults capable of acting on what would seem to be a mutual attraction. I want you. You want me. Sounds pretty simple.”
“It does when you put it that way. Except I can’t go where you want us to go.” As she spoke, Jessie looked at Darien’s mouth and felt another flash of desire. She tried to swallow and found her throat dry.
“All right.” There was a calm acceptance in Darien’s voice. “Not that you need to tell me, but can I ask why not?”
“Of course you can ask. It’s just that hasn’t it occurred to you that some attraction—our being attracted to each other—is inevitable given all the adrenaline that was flowing last night?”
Darien shook her head and sent her a slight smile which still held a spark of sexuality. “It might have, except we were attracted to each other, or at least I was attracted to you, well before last night’s adrenaline rush. And I think you know it, so that particular line of reasoning won’t work.”
She had a point. “Okay, maybe. But there are a couple of other reasons why this just can’t happen.”
“Do tell.” With her arms crossed, Darien leveled a look at her for longer than she cared to be scrutinized.
Damn her. “Fine. In simple terms, one is that, as a rule, I don’t let myself get led by my libido.”