by Ruby Rowe
“You can’t brush this off.”
“I know. I’ll take the test.”
“If the radiologist suspects cancer, I’ll get you in to an oncologist immediately. We’re going to get to the bottom of this and fast, but you need to go home and rest after the CT.
“You look rough, Elliott, and your cough has the staff nervous. I can’t risk having you cough up blood on a patient, either.” Retrieving a prescription pad from the pocket of her lab coat, she scribbles on a few sheets. “I’ll call you with the results this afternoon.”
“I can’t blow my residency.”
“I won’t let that happen. You have a gift with medicine I seldom see, Dr. Roberts, but your health comes first. You can’t save lives if you don’t save your own. Here…” She hands me the prescriptions. “These will help with your symptoms. Now, go eat something, and then lie down until your test. I’ve got the ER covered.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Sailor
“Carrie, I can’t get out of my car,” I say as I stare at the home I finally feel is my own.
“And you can’t simply ignore this, either.”
“As much as I want to have another baby one day, this is the worst possible time. If I’m pregnant and it’s Elliott’s, I could lose Jake for good. We haven’t been back together long enough for him to handle this kind of news. He promised he wouldn’t leave again, but he also believes I’ll someday have his baby first. Not Elliott’s baby now.”
I smack the steering wheel. “I don’t even know how this happened. I’ve not missed a single birth control pill, and I even have an alarm set on my phone to take them at the same time each day.”
“The how isn’t what’s important right now. It’s the yes or no, so get upstairs and pee on that damn stick.”
“OK, I’m going, but excuse me if I’m afraid to find out I’m pregnant, along with having no idea who the father is.” I can’t mention the other reason I’m terrified, or the tears will come and not stop. Samuel…
“I’ll call you as soon as I pee.” Hanging up on her, I trudge to the elevator, and once again, I feel like I’m climbing Everest. Elliott went back to work today, and Jake shouldn’t be home for a couple of hours, so at least that gives me privacy.
If it’s positive, do I tell Jake first? He’ll freak out the most. Then again, Elliott might flip since he doesn’t seem as interested in having kids.
I swear, we’re probably the worst participants of a polyamorous relationship in all of history. The. Worst.
Dropping all my stuff on the bed in the spare room, I rip open the multipack box of pregnancy tests and take three into the hall bathroom, along with my cell phone.
I have this ridiculous theory that if I take the tests in a neutral bathroom, rather than in one of the guys, the results will be negative. I’m dreaming, anyway, instead of dwelling on the fact that my stomach has been roiling for weeks, my boobs have been sensitive, and I missed my January period.
Exhaling a heavy breath, I pull my pants down and pee on the stick, being mindful to save some urine for the next test. I lay it on the counter and call Carrie.
“Hello,” she says.
“Dammit, this one takes five minutes for results, but it spells out the words pregnant or not pregnant, and I want that kind of clear-cut answer.”
“Did you already pee on it?”
“Yes, and it’s sitting on the counter, mocking me with its internal clock. I’m so scared.” My chest begins to pound, and I feel hot all over. Nausea swells inside of me next. “Oh, no. I’m going to puke.” Holding the phone to my stomach, I hurl into the commode. This is not a good sign.
Once I think I’m finished, I wipe my mouth with a tissue and pull the sweater off that’s over my dress blouse. Shit, I’m burning up.
“Are you still there?” I ask.
“You know puking’s not in your favor, right?”
“Yes. I have been down this road before.”
“Right. Does it say anything yet?”
“I’m not looking until it’s been five minutes.”
She groans. “The wait is agonizing.”
“How do you think I feel?”
“Sailor, you’ve been living it up, overindulging at Dickfest for months now. Are you really that surprised? A baby isn’t the worst thing that could happen. An STD, now that would be worse.”
“Shut it. I’m going to look.” Dropping the phone on the counter, with the hope that the loud sound hurts Carrie’s ears, I close my eyes and pick up the test.
I hear her jabbering as I take a few deep breaths and ward off the bile that’s once again rising in my throat.
Here goes…
After I’ve read the one and only word on the screen, the test slips from my fingers and hits the floor. I pick up my phone.
“Carrie, I’m pregnant.”
“Oh, damn.”
There’s a knock on the bathroom door, startling me.
“Shit, I have to go.” I end the call and crack the door open.
“Elliott, what are you doing home?”
“You’re pregnant?”
An ellipse has darkened his deep-set grey eyes, the lustrous azure halo normally surrounding them absent. Elliott doesn’t look panicked; he looks … defeated.
“I only took one test. Maybe it’s wrong.”
“Then take it again,” he says harshly.
“I’m sorry,” I breathe.
“Sailor, I said take another damn test.”
Turning with my tail between my legs, I shut the door and lean back against it. The tears come like they so often do, and as much as I want to slide down this door and forget that Elliott’s waiting on the other side of it, I open another pregnancy test instead.
Elliott
Don’t be a dick.
This is my chance to be the man Sailor desperately needed years ago, but what if I only get to be that man for months? What if I’m going to die soon?
The lack of control I feel infuriates me. Fighting the urge to punch the door, I do my best to breathe out the anger wishing to boil over.
Hearing her sob escape, I have the answers to all the pivotal tests from today. Only minutes before Sailor arrived, Dr. Raynard called to give me the grave news about my CT scan. Leaning my head back, I look above me.
“Please, God, don’t hurt Sailor again. She doesn’t fucking deserve it.” My eyes water, so I drag a hand down my face, taking my defying tears with it. Finding the little strength I have left in me, I open the door and go to her.
She turns to me, and I’m already a bastard. A fearful gaze wouldn’t be staring back at me if I’d reacted differently in the first place.
“Baby, it’s OK. We’ll figure it out.”
“I don’t know what went wrong. I’m so sorry.”
I grab her face. “I told you months ago to never say you’re sorry again, and you should never have to apologize for bringing a life into this world. Whether it’s mine or Jake’s, everything’s going to be all right.”
What a lie that is, but she can’t hear the truth.
Sobbing, she wraps her arms around my waist and buries her face against my chest.
“Jake’s going to leave. Elliott, I just got him back, and now he’s going to leave for good.”
“He won’t. I’ll do everything in my power to ensure that doesn’t happen.”
Fuck, I have to do everything in my power… He can’t walk away when I may have no choice but to leave.
“Come on. Lie down with me. When Jake gets home, I’ll tell him.” That’s the least I can do for her. I’ll do all I can in case I can’t do more later.
She lies in the middle of my bed, and I spoon with her, bringing her back against my body. I rest my hand on her stomach, imagining the tiny life inside it.
I can’t believe I’m thinking this, and I sure as hell don’t want to be, but this baby has to be Jake’s. He or she has to be.
Jake
I walk into the house after work, and it’s quiet. I don’t find Sailor downstairs, but I saw that her Mercedes was here, so I walk up the staircase and notice Elliott’s door open.
He has Sailor wrapped in his arms, but his head is lifted, and he’s staring at me over her. Holding a finger to his lips, he signals for me not to speak.
Taking the hint, I trot back downstairs. I’m disappointed. I thought Elliott was working today, so I assumed I’d have Sailor to myself. Reaching the bottom step, I hear him behind me, so I turn around.
“What’s going on?” I ask. He rubs his forehead, and man, he looks like hell. The dude seriously needs a checkup.
“I have to tell you something. Sit down.” I walk over to the couch, and he takes the chair. Resting his elbows on his knees, he laces his fingers, squeezing until his knuckles are white. “Fuck, I don’t know how to say this.”
“After everything we’ve been through, I think I can handle it.”
“When I tell you, please don’t fucking leave. I need you to stay as much as Sailor needs you to.”
“Damn, whatever it is, say it.”
“Sailor’s pregnant.”
After staring at him a few seconds, I clutch the back of my neck.
“No, that can’t be right. She’s on birth control.”
“She took two tests.”
“Fuck. Talk about being tested…”
“She’s terrified you’re going to leave.”
“I guess she has a reason to think that, but I won’t.”
“Even if it’s mine?”
Falling back on the couch, I clear my tightening throat.
“She’s told me more than once how careful she is with her pills. Dammit, we should’ve never stopped using condoms.”
“Answer me, Jake. If the baby’s mine, will you leave her?”
“No. I promised this time, and I won’t break my promise.” I lift my head. “I’ve been gone for weeks, so it’s pretty likely it’s yours.”
“She said she missed her period in early January, so she thinks it happened before you left. It could be either of ours.”
“Great. We get to wonder for months.” I shake my head.
“Sailor said there’s a blood test she can take once she’s at least eight weeks pregnant. The baby’s DNA will show up in her bloodstream, and they can match it to the father’s. We’ll have to get our mouths swabbed for the samples.”
“Sure, and we can pay for the test with the royalties from our reality show. I’m sure people all over the world would enjoy watching this drama play out.”
“I’m frustrated, too, and I know this won’t be easy, but we have to step up and be there for Sailor. Regardless of genetics, I’m going to believe this baby is all three of ours. You’ve got to believe it, too. If you’re not capable of doing that, it’s going to destroy Sailor.”
“If the baby’s yours, you’ll really let me help raise it?”
“I’m scared shitless, Jake. Of course, you can help. We’ll be a team.”
“I’ll do the same if it’s mine.”
“Yeah?” He seems a little surprised, too, and that’s my damn fault.
“Of course. Maybe we shouldn’t find out who the father is.”
“Maybe. I have a feeling we’d be able to tell, though. I mean, we look completely different. If Sailor pushes out a blond-headed baby, I think we’ll have our answer.”
He laughs, and I try to imagine what our kid will look like. I can’t help but picture it with Elliott’s blond hair, giving away what I already feel in my gut. But, that’s OK. Surely, I can feel like it’s mine, too, especially if I’m there through it all.
“What are you two laughing about?” Sailor asks as she pads toward us, seeming reluctant to come closer.
“Elliott told me the news, and we were joking about how the baby’s hair color will probably be a sure giveaway of who the father is.”
“You’re not mad?”
“No, come here.” Biting her lip, she walks the rest of the way over and sits at my side. “I’m happy, and it doesn’t matter who the father is. The three of us are going to raise it.”
She slings her arms around my neck. “Thank you for being understanding and not leaving. I’ve been so scared.”
“I’m sorry for giving you reasons to doubt me, but I swear I’m not going anywhere.” As I hold our girl, I look at Elliott and notice his glassy eyes. “Bro, you need to see a doctor. You have to get healthy before we have our kid. I never thought I’d be saying that to a dude.”
“Yeah, I’m going to go lie down for a while,” he replies.
Sailor hurries off the couch and hugs him.
“Thank you. You’ve been a rock for me this year.”
Squeezing her tight, he clenches his eyes shut, and I sense that something’s off with him. He seems happy but sad at the same time.
We’ll have to continue our conversation after he’s had some rest, but right now, I want to know how Sailor’s doing and find out what will happen next. I can’t believe we’re going to be parents.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Sailor
Me: I wish you were at this appointment with us.
Elliott: I’m sorry. It’s killing me, too, but you’re in good hands with Jake.
Sighing, I shove my phone in my purse and tap my foot.
“Were you texting Elliott?” Jake asks.
“Yep. I need to accept that he’s a busy doctor. It means he’s going to miss some important moments, right?”
“One of us will always be there for you.” He picks up my hand and kisses it. “I imagine you’re going to worry after what happened with your first pregnancy, so we’ll visit this office every week if need be.”
“What if I lose this one, too?”
“You won’t. What happened with the umbilical cord rarely occurs.”
“How do you know? Did you look it up?”
“Yeah, and I discovered many disturbing facts about pregnancy. Your body gets put through hell.” He shudders in his chair, and I giggle.
“You’re so sweet.”
My name is called by a medical assistant waiting to take us to a room. As soon as I told the receptionist I lost my first baby, she got me in for an appointment right away.
Jake follows me and stands uncomfortably in the hallway while my weight and height are taken. Once we’re in the exam room, where he can sit again, he exhales a heavy breath.
He’s cute when he’s nervous, but I feel a little bad for him. I was the one stressing in the waiting room, but now that our situation is getting real, he’s losing his cool and confidence.
The medical assistant enters my history into a laptop before directing me to a bathroom where I’m instructed to pee in a cup.
It’s not long before I’m in a paper gown and waiting impatiently for the doctor. Jake’s doing the same, bouncing his knee and looking at posters on the wall of embryos and the female anatomy.
The heavy door opens, and my obstetrician enters.
“Hi, I’m Dr. Strouse.” Her glasses, along with her chestnut hair in a bun, give her a distinguished, uptight appearance, but at least her smile is comforting.
“Hi, I’m Sailor, and this is my boyfriend Jake.”
“Nice to meet you both. Let’s get started. First, the urine test did come back positive, so you are indeed pregnant.” I glance to Jake, and I’m happy to see him smile back at me. Dr. Strouse goes over my history, and I can’t help but become teary-eyed when I speak of my first delivery.
“Based on the cause of your stillbirth, I don’t believe this pregnancy is high risk, but I understand your concern, so we can keep a close eye on you with added visits and more ultrasounds. We’ll even start with one today. If all is well, you should be able to hear your baby’s heartbeat.”
I take a glimpse of Jake again, and his eyes widen, the nervousness and excitement evident in them. If only Elliott were here to experience this, too…
Elliot
t
“I’m sorry, Dr. Roberts, but I do suspect it’s lung cancer. We’ll need to do a biopsy to confirm it. Have you experienced symptoms in any other parts of your body?”
“I’ve had headaches, but I think they’re due to the constant coughing and long hours at work. I haven’t had pain anywhere else besides my chest and lungs.”
Dr. Miller nods as he sits across from me in the examining room of his office. The furrowing of his brow indicates my response is not what he had hoped for.
He’s in his mid-fifties, his dark hair beginning to grey, and Dr. Raynard swears he’s the best oncologist in the area from his many years of experience. I trust her, so that means I trust him, too.
“As a physician, I imagine you have an idea of what lies ahead, so I’ll be upfront with you. Since you’re having the headaches, we’re going to skip past an MRI and perform a PET scan instead. This will give us clearer images of the mass in your lung, and it will also show if the cancer has metastasized—”
“You mean possible cancer.”
He clasps his hands on his desk and sighs.
“Correct.” That wasn’t convincing in the least. “We won’t know for sure until we have the results of your tests. My scheduling department will contact you to set up your PET scan and biopsy, and we’ll start on your blood work today.”
Standing, he reaches out his hand. “I wish we’d met under different circumstances, Dr. Roberts. Dr. Raynard spoke highly of you. I want you to know, whatever the diagnosis, we’ll tackle it aggressively.”
“I’ll be ready. Thank you.”
***
Still doubting whether this is a good idea, I ring the doorbell and shove my hands in the pockets of my leather jacket. No, this was a terrible idea. I begin to turn around to leave, but the porch light comes on, and the door opens.
“Elliott, hi,” Nicole says.
“Hi. Are you busy? I was wondering if we could talk.”
She glances over her shoulder. “Actually, I have company.”
“I should’ve called first. Sorry to interrupt.” I start to leave, but she grabs my arm.