by Quinn Ward
My face flushed bright red. I wiggled around a bit before burying my face against Jay’s chest when he laid down next to me. “Do you want me?”
I stuck out my bottom lip when Jay laughed at the question. I didn’t think it was very funny at all. Jay pushed me upright, easily moving my body so that I was laying on top of him. His hands slid down to cup my ass. “Baby, that might be the silliest question you’ve asked yet. Of course, I want you. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have asked you to come home with me.”
“But we don’t do stuff. I mean, you’ve played with me a bit and taught me how to give you blowjobs, but other than that we don’t do things boyfriends are supposed to do.” My voice broke near the end of my explanation. Jay bucked off the bed, grinding his hard penis against mine. I moaned. He wasn’t close enough. There were too many layers of clothes between us.
“Chase, I want you to look at me as I say this,” Jay insisted. It was hard, but I obeyed, blinking rapidly. When my gaze drifted to a point behind his head, Jay cleared his throat and I snapped back to attention. “You’re special to me. You talk about the things I’ve taught you, but you’re teaching me, too. You’ve opened my eyes to a world I never knew I wanted to be a part of. You’re not an experiment to me or a meaningless hole to fuck. You’re my world. Having penetrative sex isn’t going to make you any more mine than you already are, because that’s not possible. You’re my everything already.”
I didn’t bother hiding how deeply his words hit me. Tears formed, trailing down my cheeks. Jay reached up to brush them away. The ache in my heart, caused by all the things I’d convinced myself only I felt, eased a bit. Just like always, Daddy knew how to soothe me. “I love you, Jay. I hope that doesn’t scare you, but I do. And before you say it, I know I’m inexperienced but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what this feeling is.”
“I would never diminish your feelings that way, sweetheart.” He held my face in his hand and I leaned into the touch. His eyes were glassy as he looked up at me. “I love you, too. I love Chase and Ash, and everything in between. That’s why I wasn’t willing to rush us having sex. I didn’t want it to be something quick and dirty. I want to take my time showing you how much I cherish you. We’ll get there, I promise.”
“Thank you, Daddy,” I said softly as I rested my head on his chest again. I stifled a yawn, but he noticed. He always knew when I was getting tired. “I think I do need my nap. Will you stay with me a while?”
“Absolutely.” Despite saying he would stay, Daddy got out of the bed. He chuckled when I reached for him. “Hang on, buddy. I’m getting your backpack. I’ll be right back.”
He was almost to the door when I called out his name. He turned back to me and smiled. “I love you, Daddy.”
“I love you, too, buddy.” He blew me a kiss before disappearing around the corner. I was out before he came back. Feelings made me a sleepy boy.
14
Jayden
“Could you have been any more obvious?” I grumbled as Mom and I carried potted plants from the back of the house to the front. She pretended she hadn’t heard me as she moved them around to make sure the layout was just right. “Mom, look at me.”
She spun around, resting her hands on her hips. “I heard you the first time, Jayden. And if you don’t keep your voice down, that boy of yours is going to hear you cussing me out.”
“Well, maybe you shouldn’t have been so in his face about the fact you know how he is,” I pointed out. Chase was trying to hold it together, but I could see him cracking. He’d carried around this secret about himself, and suddenly it felt like everyone knew. I doubted he even thought about how accepting everyone was.
It had shocked me when Mom first held up the binkie when I’d brought his sheets home, but only because I hadn’t considered him being a little. Once I knew, it seemed like the most natural thing ever. And any reservations had been on my side, because there had never been a time when I’d let myself think about anyone other than me being the one to take care of him. Every time I tried, I felt like something was clawing at me from the inside, trying to get out and claim him for itself.
I loved him. Those weren’t words I said to ease his mind after he blurted it out to me, I meant them. There were going to be hurdles to overcome, like spending spring break apart when he went home to see his family, but we’d figure that out when the time came.
“I was only trying to make him feel more comfortable,” she protested. Her shoulders slumped and she curled in on herself. I couldn’t help but hug her.
I should have been happy as hell to have a mom who rolled with the punches the way she did. I was so hellbent on making sure Chase was happy, that I might have been a dick to her for making him uncomfortable. She was trying, and both of us had the same goal. Both of us wanted Chase to understand home was a safe space where he could be as big or as little as he needed.
“I know, and I’m sorry for snapping on you,” I apologized. She gaped at me like it was unheard of for me to backtrack. It was her fault I was so stubborn. Genetics and all that jazz. I wasn’t a fan of gossip, but it didn’t feel like a violation of Chase’s privacy to make Mom understand why I was so protective of him. Hell, even I didn’t know the full story of what had happened with his former roommate, but knowing he’d lost not only his place to live but also someone he considered a good friend infuriated me. “He’s scared about what people will think with good reason. His old roommate found him with his stuff and went to housing about it. Filed a complaint and got him kicked out.”
“And that’s why he’s in your room?” she asked, already back to repositioning the pots in the front yard.
“Yeah. And the weekend you found his…” I couldn’t say the word out loud to her. That was a step too far. If anyone was going to acknowledge his little stuff, it would be Chase, on his terms. “Anyway, when I went home after that weekend, he freaked out a little bit. I got him calmed down and started helping him in little ways.”
“It sounds like the two of you were meant to be together. I’m sorry he went through what he did, but I’m glad it led the two of you together.” She stepped back, comparing the plants in the yard against a list in her hand.
And that was the end of it. She didn’t push me for more details about our relationship and I didn’t offer anything more. We worked for about an hour when my sleepy boy appeared at the front door. He was still out of it, which was pretty damned obvious because he was clutching his blankie in his hand and sucking on his binkie. I was torn between wanting to rush him back into the house, because he’d be horrified when he fully woke up and realized he’d come outside in full Ash-mode, and wanting to pull out my phone to take a picture of him leaning against the door frame.
In the end, I did both. I snapped a picture after setting down my shovel, brushed off my hands as I climbed the front steps, and guided him upstairs to my bedroom.
“Does my buddy feel better now?” I asked, tucking him against my side. He nodded. “Do you want to rest a bit longer or come outside? Mom and I are just about finished, and then we’ll have the house to ourselves.”
“For how long?” Ash smiled around the edges of his binkie. There was a mischievous glint in his eyes, and I was pretty sure he’d figured out the significance. “We have the whole house?”
“Yeah, baby. We’ll have the house all night. Mom’s going out with some girlfriends.” When I’d mentioned that it was impossible to get any truly private time with Chase, Mom had been quick to set up a girls’ night out with her friends. Apparently, she and William were busy telling each other how to live their lives, and he’d been hounding her about getting out more. I still owed him a thank you for that. “I thought we could have dinner and then a nice, long bath.”
“With bubbles and toys?” I chuckled because he’d asked several times about the bubbles and toys. Apparently, they were a necessary part of bath time.
“Yep,” I confirmed, pulling him onto the bed between my legs. I was hard again, thinking
about everything I had planned for the night. I’d come over earlier in the week to set up some supplies so everything would be perfect. And after hearing Chase’s fears that I didn’t want him enough because I wasn’t pressuring him into sex, I hoped he’d see that the exact opposite was true. I rubbed my hand over his stomach. Chase hummed as I slipped my hand under his t-shirt. “You’ll be able to play, but not for too long. Daddy needs to have time to get his boy clean before the water gets cold. And then I’m going to take my time making sure you’re dry.”
“And then bedtime?”
“Not tonight, buddy,” I corrected him. “I thought you might want to stay up after bedtime tonight. There won’t be anyone here to interrupt us or listen to what we’re doing.”
He twisted around to look up at me. The only thing keeping his binkie in his mouth was his teeth. There were exactly zero words for how cute he looked with a huge smile on his face, still keeping the pacifier in place.
My hands drifted lower. “Are you sticky, buddy?”
“Mm-hmm,” he confirmed, lifting into my touch. “It’s hurty, too.”
“I’m sure it is.” I considered reaching into his undies to straighten him out but pulled my hand away instead. As desperate as he was, he’d beg me to get him off, and then be horrified when the endorphins waned. “Tonight, I’ll be sure to give you kisses and make your owies all better.”
“And I get to give you kisses, too?” The binkie fell out of Ash’s mouth when he licked his lips. “I like special kisses. But you get too loud, Daddy. I think maybe you need a binkie, so you remember to stay quiet.”
I banged my head on the wall as I laughed. This was the silliest, most ridiculous conversation about sex I had ever had, and yet it was perfect. For us. “Then it’s a good thing no one will be around tonight. It’s not my fault you make Daddy feel so good. Tonight, you’re going to get to be loud, too.”
Chase jumped, burying his blankie under my pillow when Mom knocked on the bedroom door. “Boys, can you come and help me with the last couple of plants so I can get out of your hair for the night?”
“Your mom’s the best, Daddy.”
Yeah, she really was.
Chase was curled up on the couch with a book as I let Mom run me through what needed to be done for dinner. It was like she forgot I’d been taking care of myself since I was twelve and she started working a part-time job at night. “Make sure the crock pot is turned off and you soak the liner, otherwise it’s going to be impossible to clean. If there’s any left, feel free to pack it up to take back to school tomorrow night. Lock the doors—”
“Mom, this isn’t the first time you’ve left me home alone,” I complained. I wanted her to hurry up and get the hell out of there. And the doors weren’t going to be an issue because I planned on locking all of them and drawing the curtains as soon as she was gone so Chase would feel comfortable. “We’ll be fine. You sure Mel doesn’t mind you crashing at her place tonight?”
Mom and I didn’t have a typical mother/son relationship. As I’d grown older, we shifted from parent and child to friends. The hardest part about being a teen was having friends over who couldn’t help but talk about how hot Mom and her friends were. Mel was the closest thing I’d ever have to an aunt, and I was pretty sure she knew why Mom was bailing for the night.
“It’s fine.” Mom kissed my cheek and hugged me tight. “We love you and want you to be happy, Jayden. She’ll be happy when I report back that your boyfriend actually exists and he’s the sweetest boy ever.”
“Mom, you’ve gotta quit calling him a boy,” I whined. “I know you don’t mean anything by it, but he doesn’t know you.”
“It’s okay, Jay.” Chase shuffled into the kitchen. “I don’t mind it. Your mom’s nice.”
Mom shot me a see what I mean look. I rolled my eyes. Fine. She won.
“Thank you, sweetie.” Mom kissed him on the cheek, just like she had with me, but the hug she gave him lasted longer. “If you boys go back to school before I get back tomorrow, I hope you have a great week. And you will be coming home next weekend. Both of you.”
“Yes, ma’am,” we responded in unison. I was the only one who got a glare for referring to her as ma’am. She hated that.
Mom picked up her bag and we walked her to the sliding glass door that led to the deck. She made it to the stairs before turning back. “Make sure you put the bar in. You wouldn’t want your uncle to come in when he gets home from the club.”
Good point. And I wouldn’t have put the bar in the door because we rarely did unless we were leaving the house empty. “Thanks, Mom.”
I slid the door closed and immediately braced it before turning back to my boy.
This was it.
My heart raced. My stomach churned. And my palms were so sweaty I had to wipe them on my pants.
I wanted to help Ash find his happy space, and that meant I was going to push him further than I had this morning with the training pants.
“Come on, buddy. It’s time for your first surprise.” I was not expecting him to jump up and wrap his legs around my waist. We both laughed as he planted kisses all over my face. “Someone’s excited.”
“I like surprises, Daddy. You know that,” he scoffed. “And you said my first, so that means maybe there’s more of them. And you already told me I get a bath tonight. This is the best day ever.”
We’d see if he still felt that way in a minute. My bank account had taken a hit after I’d visited William at The Lodge and spent some time with Sam, the manager, looking at websites he was buying stuff for the playroom from. I’d asked him to text me the links, and I might have gone overboard but Ash was worth it.
Ash gasped when we entered the bedroom. The changes were subtle, but impossible to miss. Beyond the pops of yellow, red, and black around the room with his favorite characters, there was a new stuffie on the middle of the bed, and the only thing blocking the brighter comforter I’d picked up was the changing pad.
“I love my surprise!” Ash exclaimed as he wandered around the room picking up the new nightlight, turning it over to figure out how it turned on. Then, he flopped into the middle of the bed, hugging his new stuffie to his chest. “You bought Pika a friend. Thank you, Daddy! But she might have to live here. I don’t have room for more at school.”
“That’s fine, buddy,” I assured him. I liked the idea of some of his little things staying at the house.
He rolled to his side, grazing his hand over the large, quilted plastic rectangle. The longer he didn’t say anything, the more I questioned if this was too much, too fast. This was probably one of those situations where I should have taken my uncle’s advice and talked to Chase, instead of assuming he was ready. Instead, I’d made up my mind that this was a case of Daddy-knows-best that I was starting to regret.
“Do you have more surprises, Daddy?” he asked, his voice so soft I could barely hear him. He wouldn’t look up at me.
I sat next to him, resting my hand on his hip. “Only if you want, okay? If you’re not ready, tell me, but I remembered you saying it was something you might want to try. I thought—”
Ash jumped into my lap, pushing me onto my back as he straddled my legs. His body covered mine, his arms wrapped tightly around my neck. “I love it, Daddy. I do want to try but I’m scared. I want to be your brave boy.”
“There’s nothing to be scared of,” I promised him as I rubbed his back. “No one’s going to see anything. The doors are all locked and the curtains are closed so no one could see in.”
“Do you want to see me in them? We have to both want something to try it. That’s what you said before.” He pulled his fist to his mouth, sticking the tip of his thumb between his lips. I stretched back, reaching blindly for the paci he somehow hadn’t seen. I held it up and he snatched it out of my hand. “Oh, Daddy! It’s perfect! It has the ball on it!”
“I knew you’d love it.” His excitement more than made up for the exorbitant cost of the damn thing. “As for the diaper
s, yeah buddy, I would love to see if you’re as cute in them as I imagined you would be when I picked them out. I think your bottom is going to be hard to resist when you’re walking around all padded.”
If you’d asked me at the start of the year if I would ever fantasize about seeing a grown man wearing diapers and sucking on a pacifier, I would have laughed. If someone had suggested I’d waste an hour looking up reviews of various brands and trying to find the right print for Ash to wear, I’d have said they were nuts. And, yet, here we were, with what I hoped were the perfect diapers hiding under my bed. They’d live here, at least for the time being, so Ash wasn’t paranoid about them. The training pants would have to do during the week.
“Can I see them? I don’t know if I’m ready to wear one yet, but I wanna see.” I’d have to figure out a reward for my brave boy, admitting what he was feeling. That was a far cry from where we’d started.
I eased out from under Ash and had to lay on my stomach to reach far enough under the bed to get my fingers hooked on the edge of the packaging. I’d waffled between the ones that were white with cartoon characters that looked like they were peeking over the top and the ones that had a more outer space theme. Seriously, it shouldn’t have taken as long as it did to choose the animals. The giraffe with huge eyes is what clinched it for me.
I pulled one diaper out of the package and handed it to my boy. He unfolded and refolded it, running his hand against the absorbent material on the inside. I waited quietly when he flipped it over to look at the back, then dropped it onto his lap. He worried his bottom lip and I couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking.
“No one’s going to be here tonight?” He asked, handing the diaper back to me. “It’s just us all night?”
“Yep, just you and me tonight. No one can come in unless I say it’s okay,” I promised him. He kept staring at the diaper, picking it up and setting it back down. “Do you want to try it? If you don’t like it, we’ll change you back into your undies.”