Mom’s supporting me on this, even now that she’s had time to recover.
But I can’t help wondering sometimes, if she’d be sitting there crying into her tissues in the prosecutor’s office with me if Dad hadn’t lost it that day—or if she’d still be in denial about everything he’d done. But I know she believes me, now, and that’s something I’m grateful for.
I’m starting to learn how to be happy for more than five minutes at a time and how to really hope and trust. And I’m finding out what it’s like to sleep through an entire night without any nightmares.
I still have my bad days, when the memories press down on me like concrete, when they crush out all the joy—but those days are coming less and less often. Carolyn’s been working with me to help me see that I can choose when to look at a memory and when to put it away.
She’s also encouraging me to find other things I can do instead of cutting, and she keeps giving me steady support. I can feel myself changing—growing stronger. I’ve only cut a few times since Dad was put in jail. That’s a miracle in my book.
I’ll probably never know if I’d have been drawn to cutting if he hadn’t taught me how to use it to keep me silent. I don’t think it was always just me repeating the abuse or being under his control. My cutting was about trying to deal with more pain than I could handle. I’ve got other ways of dealing with it now, ways to pull myself out of it if I need to. And I have ways to get the comfort I need that don’t come from the edge of a blade.
I catch myself staring at my arm sometimes, trying to figure out which scars were the first—the ones he made me cut. But I don’t wonder for very long; I really don’t want to know.
Other times, I look at my scars and see something else: a girl who was trying to cope with something horrible that she should never have had to live through at all. My scars show pain and suffering, but they also show my will to survive. They’re a part of my history that’ll always be there.
And now, sometimes I don’t bother hiding the scars. I just let them show, even though I get stares, rude comments, and questions from strangers. I figure I’ve already gone through the worst; getting stared at isn’t that big of a deal.
I never want to have to keep anything else a secret, ever again.
Mom knocks on the door frame of the guest room.
“Come in,” I say.
“The woman from the Java Cup just called. She said two more of your paintings got sold—and you’ve had orders for three more. I guess you really have outgrown my help.” She rubs her arms, looking surprised but proud, too. “You’ve got a style all of your own, Kendra, and it’s clear that people like it. I’m glad I was wrong.”
“Me, too. Thanks, Mom.”
A few months ago, I would have thought she was criticizing me, and I probably would have been right. But now, I know that she’s praising my work—in her own peculiar way.
I look around the guest room at my paintings hanging on the walls. I see the faces of Carolyn, Sandy, Meghan, and Mrs. Archer all smiling out at me, and for once, I don’t hear Mom’s voice in my head taking them apart with her criticism.
Instead, I hear Meghan’s and Mrs. Archer’s, and Carolyn’s and Sandy’s voices, each of them building me up, telling me how powerful my paintings are and how much my art moves people who see it. And I hear them all telling me how much I mean to each of them—and I know I’m loved.
“Dinner’ll be in half an hour,” Mom says. “You want to go out and tell Meghan, or shall I?”
“I’ll tell her. Is she still in the backyard?”
“Yes.” Mom laughs. “She’s out there, talking to her plants.”
I smile at this image. I’ve loved seeing Meghan take our huge, scruffy yard and turn it into a botanical paradise. I’ve loved seeing her find an outlet for her pain. I don’t think it’s that different from my artwork; it helps her get stuff out.
Mom turns to go and then stops. “And Kendra—thanks for giving me another chance. For trusting me.”
“You helped me do that, Mom. You’ve worked at it.”
And she has. Going into therapy was the best thing she could’ve done. It’s not like all the tension between us has disappeared; it hasn’t. But it’s lighter now, not so loaded with resentment and anger.
I go out to the backyard, where Meghan’s crouched over a clump of irises. She’s talking softly to them. I move closer so I can hear.
“Come on, little flowers, you can do it. Keep on growing strong. I want to see you get there.”
“Meghan?”
She turns to me, the sun on her face. “Hey, beautiful.”
“Hey, yourself.” I lean over to give her a kiss. “My mom’s in a good mood today; I think we should ask about your staying over—permanently.”
“I think we should, too.”
I think Mom’ll go along with it. She knows what Meghan has to live with at home. And I know she’ll act as chaperone. I laugh at the thought, and Meghan grins at me, mussing up my hair.
We walk back to the house together, hand in hand.
Author’s Note
I used to cut for many of the same reasons that Kendra did: to relieve unbearable emotional pain; to escape or suppress abuse memories and their related overwhelming emotions; to keep from killing myself; and to try to feel better. I also cut to silently cry out for help and sometimes to shut myself up or to punish myself.
And like Kendra, I cut because my abusers taught me to do it. This is a common occurrence in ritual abuse, though it isn’t likely that it happens much outside of ritual abuse.
Like Kendra, I don’t know if I would have turned to cutting as a form of coping if I hadn’t been taught to do it. But I know that although cutting hurt me, it also helped me survive.
I also know that none of us deserves to be hurt, that it’s important to treat ourselves gently, and that we need to surround ourselves with loving people who can mirror that love back to us. I hope you’ll find ways to get support and comfort, to be gentle with yourself, and to take good care of yourself.
Resource Guide for Readers
There are many resources out there to help you—or someone you know—with self-harm, abuse, or homophobia. You can get free support through e-mail, phone, and support forums; and you can gain validating and helpful information through books, articles, and some websites. I think it helps to know that you’re not alone—I know it helped me—and these sites and books can be ways to find that. Some information may be graphic or triggering, so, as with everything, please take gentle care of yourself as you look through the resources.
Websites
• Martinson, Deb. Secret Shame: Self-Injury Information & Support. http://selfharm.net
One of the best, most extensive websites on self-harm, written by someone who has self-harmed. This is the first place I’d go for information. It also has great sections for family and friends.
• Sutton, Jan. Self-Injury and Related Issues (SIARI). http://www.siari.co.uk
Lots of articles, links, and resources, including a support board for people who self-harm and a support group for helpers. Jan Sutton also provides detailed articles on self-harm that are excerpted from her books (Healing the Hurt Within, Because I Hurt).
• FirstSigns (Self-Injury Guidance and Network Support). Self-Injury Awareness Day (SIAD). http://www.firstsigns.org.uk/siad/
Self-Injury Awareness Day is on March 1, worldwide. This site includes a list of things you can do to increase awareness about self-harm, downloadable fact sheets and posters, an e-book on self-harm, a message board, a Facebook page, an e-newsletter, and more.
• National Self Harm Network (NSHN). http://www.nshn.co.uk/downloads.html
A great resource. The forum is active and the site provides PDF downloads that explain self-harm, provide do’s and don’t’s for family and friends, suggest helpful distractions, and more.
• Recover Your Life (RYL). http://www.recoverourlife.com
Online self-harm support community tha
t features articles, forums, chat and live help (twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week), and more.
• Mazelis, Ruta. Healing Self Injury. http://healingselfinjury.org
This blog by the editor of The Cutting Edge (a newsletter on self-harm that’s no longer being published) provides information and articles about self-injury and houses past issues of The Cutting Edge.
• Martinson, Deb. American Self-Harm Information Clearinghouse. http://www.selfinjury.org
Lots of great info, some the same as at Secret Shame, but visually easier to read.
• Self Injury Foundation. http://www.selfinjuryfoundation.org
This site has great information on self-harm, including a fantastic article on how crisis and hotline staff can respond in ways that are truly helpful to people who self-harm, an excellent question–and–answer section not just for people who self-harm but also for their parents, family members, and friends; and more. Self Injury Foundation is a nonprofit organization. One of its goals is to obtain donations and grant money to develop a twenty-four hour crisis line for self-injurers.
• Sidran Institute: Traumatic Stress Education and Advocacy. http://www.sidran.org
Good information on trauma; PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder); abuse; and coping mechanisms, including self-harm.
• Survivorship. http://www.survivorship.org
Great information and articles, and a newsletter for survivors of ritual abuse, mind control, and torture and their friends, families, and supporters. This site also offers webinars, links, and more.
• S.M.A.R.T. (Stop Ritual Abuse and Mind Control Today) http://ritualabuse.us
Tons of information on ritual abuse by an organization that works to stop ritual abuse and help survivors through education. The site offers online articles, a bimonthly newsletter, an e-mail discussion list, information on annual conferences, and transcripts of the conferences. Some information on this site may be triggering.
• Ritual Abuse, Ritual Crime and Healing. http://www.rainfo.org.
Information and resources for survivors, therapists, and others. This site has articles, links, and tips on what to do during flashbacks, as well as art and poetry created by survivors.
• Persons Against Ritual Abuse-Torture. http://www.ritualabusetorture.org
Lots of information, articles, and resources on ritual abuse and torture. This organization also conducts research on ritual abuse and torture, and engages in activism to help stop ritual abuse and torture. Some information on this site may be triggering.
• Mosaic Minds. http://www.mosaicminds.org
An online community for dissociative abuse survivors with dissociative identity disorder/multiple personality disorder (DID/MPD). Includes forums, articles, suggestions on keeping safe, and other resources.
• Rainbow Hope. http://www.rainbowhope.org/forums
A forum in which lesbian sexual abuse survivors can talk and connect with each other.
• Youth Resource. http://www.amplifyyourvoice.org/youthresource
Online peer educators, links to resources and hotlines, articles on body image and health, articles such as “Coming Out to Your Parents,” “Questions to Think About,” and more.
• PinkBooks. http://www.pinkbooks.com
An extensive bibliography of young adult books for gay and lesbian readers.
• I’m Here. I’m Queer. What the Hell do I Read? http://www.leewind.org
An extensive listing of over 200 children’s and teen books with lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer themes or characters, as well as links and reviews.
Helplines
United States
National Youth Crisis HotLine. 1-800-448-4663
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network
(RAINN). http://www.rainn.org
1-800-656-HOPE
The Trevor Project. Crisis and suicide prevention support for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning youth.
http://www.thetrevorproject.org
1-866-4-U-TREVOR (1-888-488-7386)
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender National Help Center. http://www.glnh.org/hotline/index.html
1-888-843-4564
Suicide Help Line. 1-800-SUICIDE
(1-800-784-2433)
Boys Town. http://www.boystown.org
1-800-448-3000 (24/7, USA)
Youth America Hotline.
1-877-968-8454 (24/7)
S.A.F.E. Alternatives. If you have questions about self-injury, you can phone 1-800-DONTCUT in the United States or e-mail [email protected]. This is not crisis support, but they will answer questions.
Canada:
KidsHelpPhone.
http://www.kidshelpphone.ca
1-800-668-6868
Toronto Rape Crisis Center/ Multicultural Women Against Rape.
http://www.trccmwar.ca/index.html.
416-597-8808
E-mail: [email protected]
(M-F, 9:30am-5pm)
Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans Youthline.
http://www.youthline.ca
1-800-268-9688
E-mail: [email protected]
Worldwide:
Befrienders. http://www.befrienders.org. Find support hotlines and organizations according to country.
TeenHelp. http://forums.teenhelp.org. Online forums and support.
RAINN International Resources List
http://www.rainn.org/get-help/sexual-assault-and-rape-international-resources
E-mail or Online Crisis Support
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network. (RAINN). National Sexual Assault Online Hotline—Live, anonymous chat for victims of sexual assault (whether their attack took place today or decades ago); spouses, family members, and partners of victims; and friends of victims. http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/
The Samaritans.
http://www.samaritans.org
E-mail: [email protected] (24/7)
TeenHelp. http://forums.teenhelp.org
Toronto Rape Crisis Centre/Multicultural Women Against Rape.
http://www.trccmwar.ca/index.html
E-mail [email protected] (M-F, 9:30am-5pm)
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender National Help Center.
http://www.glnh.org
E-mail: [email protected]
Books:
Strong, Marilee. A Bright Red Scream: Self-Mutilation and the Language of Pain. Virago Press, 2000. ISBN-10: 1860497543.
Sutton, Jan. Healing the Hurt Within: Understand Self-injury and Self-harm, and Heal the Emotional Wounds. 3rd Edition. How to Books, 2008. ISBN-10: 1845282264. An informative, sensitive book on self-harm.
Schmidt, Ulrike. Life After Self-Harm: A Guide to the Future. Brunner-Routledge, 2004. ISBN-10: 1583918426.
Alderman, Tracy. The Scarred Soul: Understanding and Ending Self-Inflicted Violence. New Harbinger Publications, 1997. ISBN-10: 1572240792.
Arnold, Lois, and Anne Magill. The Self-harm Help Book. Basement Project, 1998. ISBN-10: 1901335038. Booklet format, available at Amazon.co.uk.
Bass, Ellen, and Laura Davis. The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. 4th Edition. Harper Paperbacks, 2008. ISBN-10: 0061284335. Very helpful, healing book for survivors of incest, sexual abuse, and ritual abuse.
Oksana, Chrystine. Safe Passage to Healing: A Guide for Survivors of Ritual Abuse. iUniverse, 2001. ISBN-10: 0595201008. Detailed, helpful, and validating book on ritual abuse.
Pia, Jacklyn M. Multiple Personality Gift: A Workbook for You and Your Inside Family. Ultramarine Publishing Company, 1991. ISBN-10: 0882478907. Excellent workbook with some great suggestions, reminders, and information on multiplicity and how to explore and communicate with parts inside.
Online Articles:
Martinson, Deb. “Bill of Rights for People Who Self-Harm.” Secret Shame. http://www.selfinjury.org/docs/brights.html Fantastic bill of rights for everyone who self-harms.
Mollykat. “Things to Try to Keep Yoursel
f Safe.” http://www.geocities.com/mollykat1313/safety.html. An excellent, helpful page of suggestions for coping without cutting or self-harm. You can tell she’s been there.
“Alternatives to Self-Injury.” Secret Cutting and The Pain Behind Self Injury. http://www.angelfire.com/bc3/second-chance/alternativestosi.html. Tons of alternatives to help you avoid self-harm. Includes some excellent, practical, down-to-earth suggestions from someone who understands. (However, the support board is closed.)
Martinson, Deb. “Self-Injury: A Quick Guide to the Basics.” Secret Shame. http://www.selfinjury.org/docs/factsht.html
Kharre. “Self Injury: Family and Friends. What Not to Say and Why.” http://www.angelfire.com/or/kharreshome/page2.html. Great page about self-harm to give to friends and family; has an excellent section about what not to say and why.
National Self Harm Network. “Self-Injury: Myths and Common Sense.” http://www.nshn.co.uk/facts.html
Martinson, Deb. “First Aid for Self-Injury.” Secret Shame. http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/firstaid.html
Cutter, Deborah, Psy.D., Jaelline Jaffe, Ph.D., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. “Self-Injury: Types, Causes, and Treatment.” HelpGuide.org. http://helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm
Alderman, Tracy, Ph.D., “Self-Inflicted Violence: Helping Those Who Hurt Themselves.” http://www.cyc-net.org/reference/refs-self-mutilation-alderman1.html. A good article on self-harm for families and friends.
Rainfield, Cheryl. “What to Do When You Feel Like Hurting Yourself.” CherylRainfield.com. http://www.cherylrainfield.com/article_self-harm.html
“Famous Self-Injurers.” Self-injury.net http://www.selfinjury.net/index.php?q=/media/famous-self-injurers
Sullivan, Kathleen. “Report of the Ritual Abuse Task Force, Los Angeles County Commission for Women.” Digital Archive of Psychohistory. http://www.geocities.com/kidhistory/ra.htm. One of the best, most comprehensive definitions of ritual abuse. Goes into detail of various forms of abuse, torture, and mind control that many cults use. Much of the information in this article can be triggering.
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