by Toni Aleo
“Talk to me.” Ella sat on the couch and hugged a throw pillow. “Tell me everything.”
Ty ran a hand over his jaw before settling down next to her. “I'm an addict, Ella. I've been an addict since I was sixteen. I moved away from home—my aunt’s house—so I could play hockey. The McDonough family hosted me, and around that time, I got into some bad shit. It started with beer and joints. Then I moved on to coke. That’s when shit got crazy. All I cared about was getting high, getting laid, and playing hockey.
“Mr. McDonough—Mac—he helped me get clean and sober. He was like my father, and he didn't take any shit from me. When I refused to listen, he threatened to tell my coach. If Mac hadn't intervened, I probably wouldn't be here today.” He shrugged. “That’s part of the reason I bought Mac’s house when he decided to move his family to Barrie. He’d done so much for me as a kid, and I wanted to help him out. I’d had one year of professional hockey under my belt by then, and with my contract, I could afford it. Besides, if I’d never bought that house, I wouldn’t have met you when your family moved next door.”
“Why didn't you ever tell me about any of this?”
“Because it had been years since I'd done that shit. It was in my past.” He waved a hand. “Not that it mattered. The whole town still saw me as bad news. Fast hands on the ice, faster hands off of it with women.” He paused. “But not you. To you, I was just Ty, the guy next door. The guy at Sherry's Halloween party who teased you about your sexy ladybug costume.”
Ella shook her head. “It's true that I never heard about the drugs, Ty. But I knew all about your reputation with women.”
He raised his eyebrows. “You did?”
“Yeah. Sherry warned me about you. Said you'd use me and throw me away.”
“Then why didn't you run?”
“Because that wasn't the man I knew,” she said softly. “You were caring and funny. Quiet and thoughtful. I could be myself with you. But I guess you weren't as comfortable around me, or you wouldn't have hidden this.”
He took her hands in his. “No, El. With you, I finally felt free. I didn't want you to know my past because I didn't want to ruin that feeling.” He paused. “Maybe that was selfish of me, I don't know. But in my mind, I wasn't that guy anymore. I finally had everything I wanted—success, money, and the perfect relationship.”
“Ty, our relationship wasn't perfect. I worked too much trying to build up my freelance graphic design business, and I didn't make as much time for us as I should have when you were home.”
“El, that was work. I understand—”
“No.” Ella held up a hand. “I'm not finished. I take responsibility for that. But I also stopped trying so much to connect, because let's face it, Ty, you aren't the most forthcoming with your feelings. For so long, I was desperate for more intimacy with you. And I don't mean sex. I wanted you to share your feelings. To confide in me like I did with you. You would always shut down when things got difficult, and I felt like I was left standing in the cold, alone.”
He dragged his hands down his face. “I'm sorry. Deep, emotional shit… It's never been something that's been easy for me. When my parents died, I just learned to shove everything down and do whatever it took to keep the status quo. It's a shit coping mechanism, and it doesn't work.”
Ella looked at him thoughtfully. “At least you recognize that now.”
“Yeah. When I got traded to Winnipeg and kept getting caught in a cycle of injury, I got scared. Like my body was giving out on me, and let's face it, being known as a player who's prone to injury isn't a good thing. Hockey is the only fucking thing I know how to do, El. I felt helpless. I was just sitting around, waiting to heal. And I was in so much pain from some of those injuries.
“At first, I just fought through the pain. I knew deep down that taking shit could lead me down a bad path. But eventually, it got to be too much. I ignored my gut and took too many pain meds, and they got me high.” He hesitated. “It's fucked up, but I missed that feeling. And I got sucked right back into that life—living for the next high. Abusing the medication.”
When he looked over at her, the sadness on her face nearly did him in.
“I wish I could have been able to set aside my fucking pride and talk to you about it. But I couldn't. By then, I couldn't stop. I never wanted you to see me like that, Ella. I got back on the coke after I ended things between us. I was so fucked up,” he whispered. “So goddamned lost.”
“Oh, Ty.” She drew in a deep breath and met his eyes. “But you're clean now, right?”
“Yeah. For well over a year now. The first time I got clean as a teenager, I threw myself into hockey and girls. I shoved it all down. Mac got me help, but I didn’t take advantage of everything available to me at the time. I was a stupid kid and thought I could handle things myself, but I know better now. I see a therapist. I go to meetings. I have the proper tools to help me. The team knows, and I have resources available there, too. They've been amazing.” He squeezed her hand. “But I'm always going to be an addict, Ella. Even if I never use again, which is my plan, I'll still be an addict.”
She hugged the throw pillow tightly, nodding. “I understand.”
“When you're first getting clean, they recommend not being in a relationship for a year. It was the right thing in hindsight for my recovery, but staying away from you? Not reaching out when I knew you had to be hurting? I'm so fucking sorry. I was just afraid that if I tried to contact you before I had my shit together, then I'd end up hurting you even more than I did before. I would have tried to get back together with you, El, and I wasn’t equipped to handle that yet. I had to work on myself first before I could work on fixing the damage I’d caused to us.”
She stared up at him, stunned. “That's why you didn't reach out? I-I thought you didn't care. That you'd moved on and didn't want anything to do with me.”
“No. God no.” He reached out and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “I was fucked up for months after we broke up, and I couldn't bear to face you, but after that, I got into recovery and worked on getting clean.”
Ella bowed her head, her pretty blonde and pink waves hiding her face. “You said you couldn't quit me. That you craved me. Am I just another addiction?”
“No, sweetheart. That was me trying to convey how strong my feelings are for you. I love you, Bug.”
Ella's pretty, sea-colored eyes grew misty, and she looked away. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it quickly. Her shoulders slumped, and she covered her face with her hands.
“Excuse me.” She slipped from the room, and moments later, the door to the guestroom closed.
Ty sank back into the couch. Would this ruin his chances of winning back her heart? He'd kept so much from her; he couldn't blame her for not trusting him.
He got up and went to the guest room. “El?” He opened the door a crack and found her sitting on the bed.
“Sorry.” She wiped away her tears with her sleeve. “I didn't want to cry in front of you. Ty, if I'd have known, I would have stood by you through everything.”
“I know, but I saw myself as the bad guy. I needed to protect you from me.”
“You aren't the bad guy,” she whispered. “It's just that I keep getting blindsided. Seeing you again, the robbery, staying at your condo, you kissing me and the things you've said, and now this? I'm trying so hard to be logical about my feelings.” Ella glanced up at him. “I was numb when you left me. Seeing you again brought out my anger at first, but now…” She bowed her head again. “I'm afraid to feel anything.”
“Logic won't win the war you've got going on inside of you,” he said gently. “You're trying to weigh your feelings, like one of them matters more than another. It won't work.”
Ella peered up at him through lowered lashes, and her breath hitched softly. It set off a chain reaction in him. That little intake of breath had always been a tell-tale sign that she wanted his touch.
Was he reading too much into it?
“I don't want to lead you on or play games,” she said. “I'd never want to be the reason you'd start using again.”
“You aren't responsible for my choices, Ella.”
“I know. I just-I just want…” Ella bit down on her lower lip, and he moved closer.
“I'll give you anything you want,” he said urgently. “Whatever you need.”
“My heart wants to be with you tonight. But I can't make you any promises.” She gave him a worried look. “I feel terrible saying that, because there's so much more to talk about.”
“Don't.” He slid her onto his lap and dragged his fingers along her hips. “I don't think talking is what we need. Do you?”
“No,” she whispered, sliding her other leg across him so that she straddled his lap. Ty pulled her against his body and stood, prepared to take her to his bedroom. He paused, backing her up against the wall to kiss her thoroughly.
She whimpered, and her reaction broke something deep inside of him. The soft sounds she made as he kissed her drove him wild. Hearing them again was like the sweetest victory.
He wasn't ever going to get enough of her. Not tonight, not tomorrow night, not ever.
It would never be enough.
“Bedroom,” he said hoarsely.
When they arrived at his room and he set her down on the edge of his bed, time seemed to slow. He stared down at her, taking it all in.
Ella. His Ella.
In his room.
On his bed.
He prayed this wasn't a dream, because he wouldn't survive if the next sound he heard was a ringing alarm, stealing him away from loving her.
Emotions he'd kept buried deep bubbled to the surface as he studied her—the wavy blonde hair falling over her shoulders, and those beautiful eyes, looking up at him with expectation and… love.
Even if she wouldn't—or couldn't—say it, it was there. It radiated off of her, along with desire.
“Ty? What's wrong?”
“Not one damned thing.”
He yanked his jeans down and tugged his shirt over his head, then tossed everything to the floor. Her gaze traveled down the length of his body, and her breath gave another tiny hitch.
“Lie back,” he murmured.
Ella sank against the pillows, and he slid her sexy pajama shorts all the way off.
“So beautiful,” he whispered. He placed kisses along her inner thighs. “I need to taste you, Ella.”
Her legs trembled as he brushed his lips against the center of her. This was what he wanted. What he'd craved so badly, for so long. He swept his tongue over her sweetness as she tangled her fingers in his hair.
He teased and tasted her until she was shaking, her fingers twisting his sheets, but he didn't want her to come. At least, not yet. He wanted to be inside of her.
“Ella.” He paused to grab a condom from the nightstand, rolled it on, then fisted his cock and slid it along her wet heat. “Tell me you need me.”
She tenderly touched his face. “I need you, Ty.”
He swallowed, staring down into her pretty face as he slowly eased inside of her. “I'm always going to need you,” he said, his voice catching.
He closed his eyes and buried his face in the crook of her neck. This right here was where he belonged. No one else could ever take her place. He'd been so foolish to think he could live without her.
Ty groaned with pleasure as she wrapped her legs around his hips. “Take me. All of me.”
The desire to lose himself in her was still there, but this wasn't going to be some quick fuck. No way.
“I…”
“What?” he whispered, pressing his forehead against hers.
“I forgot how this felt,” she said, faltering. “How I feel when we're together like this.”
He kissed the shell of her ear. “How do you feel?”
She didn't answer, but her body said everything she couldn't. The vibration of her moan against the side of his neck as she pulled him closer, the trembling fingers that traced along his biceps, and the pulsing of her sex around his cock when her orgasm claimed her said it all.
When she cried out his name, he nearly lost every bit of his control. It had been too long since he'd heard that.
“Sweetheart,” he breathed, squeezing his eyes shut as she pulsed around him.
Ella clung to him as he rocked into her, and he whispered all the things he'd needed to say since they'd been apart—how much he’d missed her, how beautiful she was, and that he'd do anything for her.
Her answers were soft sighs and sweet, deep kisses. If that's all she could give right now, then he'd take it, willingly.
“Baby, look at me,” he said hoarsely.
Her beautiful eyes locked on his.
“You're my girl, Ella. You'll always be my girl.”
A heartbeat later, a soft, keening cry fell from her lips as she surrendered to her pleasure once again, and it sent him reeling. He gripped her hips and let himself go, thrusting quickly, totally lost in her. He came hard, her name a ragged gasp on his lips.
A few moments later after catching his breath, he pulled back to look at her. “You're so goddamned beautiful. So beautiful.”
She brushed a lock of hair away from his face, then wrapped her arms around him. They held each other in the dim light of the room for the next half hour, touching and kissing.
Ella stretched and slid out of bed, then went over to his closet and pulled out a t-shirt. It barely covered her behind, and he got a nice eyeful.
“Mind if we make a snack?” she asked.
Ty grinned. “You're the only snack I need.” He lifted the shirt and gave her naked ass a playful swat.
“Haha. Meet you in the kitchen in a few minutes.”
Ella dug around in the fridge and grabbed an apple, string cheese, and a chocolate bar.
She glanced over at Ty, who leaned against the counter, watching her. His dark hair hung in his face, and when he smiled, her heart flipped in her chest.
“This should hold us until breakfast,” she said.
Ty grasped her around the waist, then swung her up onto the counter.
Ella choked back a laugh. “Well, I didn't see that coming.”
He took a bite of the cheese she held. “Chairs? Overrated. Besides, I'm up for round two. And I do mean up.”
She cocked an eyebrow. “Back to the bedroom already?”
“No,” he murmured, stealing a kiss. “This counter will do just fine.”
Ella closed her eyes, shivering as he teased his fingers between her thighs. “I guess we're going to find out.”
“Seems like,” he murmured, dragging his lips along her neck.
The sound of a packet ripping startled her. “You brought a condom out here?”
He grinned as he stripped off his boxers, then rolled it on before she could blink. “I'm prepared, what can I say?”
Ella draped her arms around his neck. “Don't tease.”
Ty pushed slowly into her, inch by glorious inch, until he was fully enveloped. “I never tease.” He kissed her neck. “I'm all business, sweetheart.”
He gave a slow, exaggerated pump of his hips, and she whimpered, tipping her head back.
“Missed you, Bug,” he said, his voice low. “So fucking much.”
Tears stung the corner of her eyes. She'd missed him, too—being in his arms, his possessive kisses, their easy way together, and making love to him.
She'd missed it all.
He gripped her hips and rocked steadily into her, stealing her breath.
“Don't stop,” she whispered. “I don't want this to end.”
She wanted to stay in this magic bubble they'd created tonight. Where the past didn't hurt, and the future wasn't uncertain. Where right now was all that mattered.
Ty reached down and teased her clit, making her cry out.
“Oh, God. Ty, it feels so…”
She didn't bother to hide her cries as the orgasm claimed her, shuddering hard as wave after wave of pleasur
e rocked her, body and soul.
“Jesus,” he muttered, biting back a groan as he slowed things down. He held her close as she came down from the high, then picked her up and carried her to the couch.
Ty laid her down against the soft cushions and slid inside of her again. He grasped her wrists, pinning her arms over her head with one hand while he threaded his fingers through her hair with the other.
“Sweetheart,” he whispered, dipping his head down into the crook of her neck as he began to rock into her quickly. “I'm close.”
“Don't fight it,” she murmured.
“It's so good between us.”
“Yes.” Ella lifted her hips, meeting him stroke for stroke as his breathing quickened.
“El, I love you.”
His face was the picture of bliss as he tensed, then let go. Ella held him close as he shuddered against her, tears slipping down her cheeks. She wanted to tell him she loved him too, but the words stayed stuck in her throat.
Telling him would be like giving away the last piece of her bruised and battered heart, and she just wasn't ready. Taking things minute by minute, second by second, was all she could handle right now.
Chapter Seven
“It looks amazing out here,” Ella said, following Ty outside of the Nevada Arena to the affectionately dubbed “Snake Pit”—a vast outdoor area where the Kingsnakes held events and playoff watch parties for fans who couldn't obtain tickets to games.
The entire area had been transformed into a winter wonderland, despite the desert locale. White and blue lights hung overhead along with glittery snowflakes, snowmen, and Santas. Booths were scattered throughout the space, with activities for the kids, delicious food, and games.
“This will be a huge hit,” Ty said, glancing around.
“The kids from the children's hospital and the Foundation will have two hours to themselves out here before it opens to the general public,” Ella told him. “That way if it gets to be too much for them later on, they'll have had time to experience things without a big crowd, and won't feel left out.”