by Toni Aleo
He blinks at me. “I did before she decided to spread a whole fuckton of lies about me. I have been honest, and I have been real with her. I made sure she was satisfied, and we were okay, but not anymore,” he says. His face is so red. He hates being lied to, and most of all, he hates being made to look dumb. “Grace, she said she’ll be moving in here by the end of the month!”
I balk at that. “Whoa, no. This is my place.”
“Exactly!”
James looks at me with concern in his eyes, and I shrug. “So you’re gonna break it off with her?”
“Absolutely. I am.”
“Wonderful,” I groan, letting my head fall back against James’s chest. “Just wonderful.”
“What?” James and Shea ask at the same time.
“Not to sound selfish and only worrying about myself, but she’ll fire me as soon as you break up with her.”
“No, she said she wouldn’t,” Shea insists.
I shake my head, but before I can disagree with him, James says, “No, she will. She’s catty like that. If she truly believes y’all are destined for marriage—and I can guarantee she does—she’ll fire Grace to get back at you.”
Shea falls back against his recliner. “Why did I even hook up with this chick?”
“I think it was the boobs,” I offer.
“Or the ass. He’s an ass man.”
“Yes, you’re right. It’s the fake ass.” I flash James a wink as he laughs. “Can’t you find a real ass? Usually they’re attached to nice, sweet girls.”
Shea doesn’t laugh. He looks stricken. “I’m sorry, sis.”
I wave him off, hoping to alleviate some of his distress. “I’ll figure something out. Hopefully I can find a place to hire me until I can start my own business.”
We sit in silence, each lost in our own thoughts. Until James says, “Why don’t you just start your own business?”
I glance over at him. “Because you need capital, and I don’t have that.”
“I’ll give it to you,” he says without hesitation. “I’ll fire Jackie from doing my stagings in favor of you, and I can get you plenty of charity benefits to plan. It could be very successful for you.”
Why does this guy continue to leave me speechless? “James, be real.”
“What?”
“You don’t give a girl you’ve only known for a little over a month the capital to start a company and then throw her all of your business. That’s insane.”
He doesn’t seem to agree. “Of course you do. You’d do anything for the person you love.”
My jaw drops. For real, drops, and if it wasn’t attached, I think it might have hit the floor. James’s eyes widen, which means I heard him wrong. Right? Right. Holy mother of all things holy! “Excuse me?” I squawk out.
He blinks. “What?”
“I should go,” Shea says as he gets up. “This is obviously a moment.”
We both ignore him as I ask, “What did you say?”
“About what?”
“Oh, dude, just own up to it,” Shea says as he rushes off, but I don’t see him go. I can’t look anywhere but into James’s eyes.
“You know about what,” I say, getting up and gawking down at him. “What do you mean ‘You’d do anything for the person you love?’ What does that mean? Are you talking about me?” With each word, my voice gets higher. My chest feels as if it’s caving in on itself, and I really don’t know what the hell is happening here.
He pushes the recliner down, standing up with his hands out to me. “Calm down. You’re shaking.”
“Yes, because I’m pretty sure you just said you loved me, and that can’t be. We’ve only been together a month. We’re just fucking—”
“Oh, come on, Grace,” Shea yells from the other room.
James points to where Shea’s voice came from. “Seriously. You know we’re more than fucking. We’re option two.”
“Whoa,” I say, panic attacking me from the inside out. “We are not option two.”
“Yes, we are,” he says simply, and I shake my head.
“No, it’s been a month, James. We are only dating.”
“No, we’re together. I asked you to be my girlfriend. That means we see if this works so we can be more.”
“No. It’s so you don’t fuck anyone else but me.”
“Grace! Come on.”
“No, for real. You haven’t even tried to put it in my ass. You’re supposed to want to put it in my ass.”
“What in the hell?” he says around his laughter. “What does that have to do with it?”
“Guys like you want anal sex.”
“Guys like me? What the fuck?” he yells, his brows touching. “But also, I grabbed an ass cheek once, and you freaked, saying, ‘Keep it out of my ass, buddy’—”
“So! You’re supposed to ignore that and try to do it anyway!”
“Are you fucking insane?” Shea calls, and I glare down the hall.
“Shut the hell up, Adler!”
I look back at James, and he’s scrutinizing me. The way he should because I’m shitty. “Wow. You really don’t know how to be loved, do you? To be respected.”
My lip starts to wobble. “I’m not lovable.”
“You are,” he insists, taking a step toward me, but I step back.
“I’m not.”
His eyes darken as the tears spill down my cheeks. He crosses his arms over his chest. “When you said you’d been fucked over, I didn’t think anything of it. But man, Grace, you weren’t kidding.”
“You deserve better.”
“I don’t give a fuck what you assume I deserve, because I want you.”
“You shouldn’t—”
“But I do, because I love you. I’ve loved you since the moment you puked all over the side of the condo. I just didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to lose you.”
“Good call, man,” Shea hollers.
This time, it’s James who yells, “Dude, shut up!”
“Sorry.”
I wipe my face jerkily as a sob moves through my chest. “Just go.”
“What?” James asks, his voice breaking. “You’re serious?”
“James, seriously. You deserve someone who would be a good option two. I don’t even know if I’m a good option one, and I sure as hell didn’t know you wanted option two. Crap, a little heads-up would have been nice.”
His eyes are panicked. “Grace, you’re the only option I want,” he pleads, and my heart can’t take it.
“Please, just go.”
“Grace, baby—”
“No. Go,” I demand without looking at him.
He doesn’t move, and neither do I. “Can I call you tomorrow?”
“No,” I answer without thinking because it’s the only way to end this. Cut-and-dried. No pain. Just end it. “It’s better this way.”
“I really believe you need a night to think this over before you throw this away,” he suggests, but I shake my head.
“If I don’t end it now, you’ll stay with me, and you’ll see I’m no option at all. Then you’ll cheat, and I’ll be broken. At least this way, we’re both not too invested. I’m doing this for you.”
“Grace—”
“Just go, James. Please,” I say, wiping my face once more. When he doesn’t move, I shake my head, turning on my heel and heading for my room. I shut the door, locking it because I hear him coming toward it. I fall face first onto my bed as a sob rips from my soul.
But dammit, my bed smells like him.
“Grace, please don’t do this.”
I ignore him.
“I love you, and it’s okay that you don’t love me. You will.”
“Just go,” I yell, and then I bury my face in the covers as my sobs fill the room. I don’t know why I’m crying. I wanted this. I pushed him away, but it hurts. It hurts so bad, but I refuse to let him hurt me when he realizes I’m not enough.
A few minutes pass, and I roll onto my back, holding my stomach as I
stare up at the blades of the fan. I inhale harshly, my whole body flushed and hurting with my sobs. When I hear a knock on the door, I close my eyes.
“Please, James, go.”
“It’s me.” My brother’s voice brings no comfort whatsoever. “You know you just fucked up, right?”
I blink back my tears. “Please go.”
“But, for real—”
“No, Shea. Go. Just leave me alone!” I yell, and I hear him let out a long groan before he walks away. When silence fills my room, I welcome it. I crave it. But then the loneliness washes over me, and I miss James. I miss the feel of him. I miss the taste of him. I miss his words.
I miss James.
May 20th
I sniffle loudly while I wipe away my tears with a tissue. As I stuff almonds into my mouth, a wave of nausea hits me, but I ignore it. I’ve been puking all day, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I miss James. Also, I’ve eaten a family-size bag of KitKats, all those almonds, along with a package of Chips Ahoy!, and then a box of Lucky Charms.
All the things James got me.
P.S. I Love You plays on the TV, and I’m blaming that for why I’m sobbing. Stupid love movie. Stupid husband for dying. Stupid cancer. This is why you don’t love someone; they always leave you. I lay my head on the pillow I’ve made with my blanket and sigh loudly as my lip wobbles from crying. I’m pitiful. When Brent cheated, I told myself that I needed to be done with guys. They do nothing but cause me issues, and those experiences are why I pushed James away. I’m not saying I shouldn’t have. I truly believe he is better off without me, but it sucks how much it hurts. How much I miss him.
God, this sucks.
My phone signals another call. From my mom. She’s worried sick, but I can’t with her right now. I’m hardly even speaking to Shea, and James hasn’t called or texted or emailed. Jackie has, though—to fire me just like I thought she would as soon as Shea dumped her. So yeah, that’s another reason I’m sitting here crying. I have no job, no money, and now no boyfriend.
Why does this hurt so bad?
I hear a bedroom door open and close. The sound makes me cringe, which is unusual because it means Shea is coming down the hall, and I should be happy about that. He’s my best friend. But right now, I just want to be alone. I feel him come up next to me, and out of the corner of my eye, I can see him. He’s looking down at me like I’m roadkill. I probably look like it too.
“Hey, look.”
I glance up, glaring, and he snaps a picture. “What the hell!”
“James called to ask how you are. I figured picture evidence is better than me saying you’re a dumbass who’s slowly dying.”
“I don’t like you.”
“I know. I don’t think you like anyone right now. Not even yourself.” He sits down in his recliner, kicking it up. A wave of nausea hits me, and I lean over the chair, puking in my trash can.
“Ew.”
“Yeah, thanks,” I mumble as I puke some more.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m upset, and I won’t stop eating junk.”
“Oh. Well, stop.”
“No, I’m sad.”
“Well, it’s your own damn fault.”
I glare over at him, my body burning with anger. “Thanks.”
“I’m just saying, Grace. You fucked up.”
“Thanks again.”
He isn’t listening to me. “Usually when someone tells you they love you, you’re supposed to say it back—or at least hug them and tell them you’ll get there. You two weren’t just fucking, and you know it. He loves you, Grace. Like, really loves you. And the thing is, I never even fathomed him hurting you. I think he is the one for you.”
I snort. “Nope. No one is.”
“Grace, why are you like this? I never saw you hurting him.”
“Well, you saw wrong.” I don’t mean it. I didn’t want to hurt James. It was all just too much at once.
“Why, Grace?”
“Easy,” I say, looking over at him. “Mitchell, Roderick, Keith, and Brent—all the guys who have cheated on me because I wasn’t enough.”
He sits silently for a minute, and my heart aches. “You deserve the world, Grace, because you’re more than enough. I get that a lot of bad guys have come around you. But James, he’s a real good guy. Wouldn’t hurt you. He’d only love you. Don’t you see that?”
“If I did, I wouldn’t—” I pause to puke some more. I ignore the look on Shea’s face. I don’t need that right now. I don’t need this fucking conversation either. “Please just leave me here to die.”
Shea’s phone signals with a text, and he looks down at it. He scoffs before holding his phone up to show me. It’s from James.
James: She’s so gorgeous. I miss her. What can I do to fix this?
My heart throbs in pain as I look at Shea. “What?”
“What?” he asks. “Can’t you see the guy is hurting?”
I shake my head, and then I’m puking again.
“Grace, what the hell is wrong with you?”
“I don’t know,” I say as I puke up all my almonds. “I just feel empty.”
“I get that you’re sad, but that’s a lot of vomiting.”
I shrug. “I’d say it’s a normal amount. I did eat a whole box of Lucky Charms. I poured the milk into the bag and went to town.”
“Some would be disgusted by that. However, I’m proud to call you mine.”
“Thank you.”
“But for real, you’re not pregnant, are you?”
My head whips up. “What? Why would you ask that?”
“Because you’re puking like mad, and I know you’ve been sexually active. Also, you haven’t asked me to get you tampons. I know you ran out last month because you asked me get you some. But it weirds me out, so I didn’t.”
I blink.
He blinks.
And then I puke.
After a trip to the drugstore…
The test in my hand reads my fate.
I’m pregnant.
“Are you having twins?”
I gawk at my brother, who is standing beside me, looking down at the test. “Shea! Really? It doesn’t say that on the test.”
“What does it say?”
“Are you really this daft? It says I’m pregnant!”
“With one baby?”
“As of right now, yes. But another may join the fucking party next week. For Christ’s sake! Yes. One.”
“You’re upset.”
“I am. I’m pregnant!”
“I’m gonna call Mom.” He starts to walk off, but I grab his arm, stopping him. “Ew! Did you wash your hands?”
“Yes. God, Shea! Don’t call Mom.”
I hold my face as I start to cry. How in the hell did this happen? Well, I know how it happened. James and I go at it like rabbits, but we were careful…ish. Shit. This is karma. I break up with the guy because he scares me, and then God makes me pregnant with James’s child so I can be reminded that I’m a dumbass who doesn’t see a good guy when I have one.
“You’re going to keep it, right?”
I’ve been gawking at this guy all afternoon, I swear. “Yes, Shea.”
He wraps his arms around me. “Grace, it’s okay. We’ve got this. I’ve got you, and I’m not going anywhere. I’ll help. And you know James is a great guy. He’ll be there for you. He’s loaded. He’ll support you.”
A sob racks my body. “That’s the thing. I know he will, but I dumped him. He deserves so much better than that, but I’m an idiot. I don’t want him to feel obligated to me.”
“Grace, he’d take you back right now if you asked.”
“No, he deserves better. I refuse to tell him ‘I’m pregnant, and hey, wanna get back together?’ I don’t want him to want to be with me because I’m pregnant. I want him to be with me because I’m complicated, but he hasn’t come back or called or anything.”
“You told him not to call.”
“Shea! We don’t need
details right now. I’m pregnant!”
I don’t have to see Shea’s face to know he’s annoyed. Not that it matters.
I’m pregnant with James’s child, and I have to tell him.
May 24th
Because I’m a coward and I wanted to go the OB-GYN to confirm my pregnancy, I wait a couple days before calling James to meet me for coffee. When I walk into the coffee shop on the corner of our condo building, James is already here. He’s sitting in the corner, two cups of coffee in front of him, but I notice more than that. His shoulders are low in his tailored suit. He’s looking down at his phone, his jaw taut, and I want nothing more than to kiss that tension away. He looks beautiful, and I don’t know how I’ve spent these days without him. I miss him, desperately. I’m not nervous or even scared to tell him. I know he’ll be supportive; I just wish there were a better fate for us.
He must have felt me staring at him, because he looks up and knocks the air out of me. His eyes are sad, and I know that it’s my fault. I lick my lips as I come toward him. He stands and comes around the table to reach for me, but then he stops. His eyes move along my face, and he smiles.
“I’d really like to kiss you.”
I swallow hard, looking away. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“I don’t care,” he says before cupping the back of my neck and pressing his mouth to mine. I melt against his lips, my heart pounding in my chest. I have to remember this isn’t real. I can’t have someone like him. He wouldn’t love me once he spent more time with me. No one ever has lasted more than three months. I can’t keep this up with him. It already hurts after a month, and three would destroy me. When he pulls away, my eyes stay shut as he slides his nose along mine.
“I’ve missed you. Greatly.”
My heart stops dead in my chest as I gaze up at him. “I need to tell you something.”
His eyes change to suspicion as he pulls the chair out for me. “Are you okay?”
“Fine,” I answer as I sit.
“I got you a latte.”
Can I drink that? Unsure, I shake my head. “I’m not thirsty.” I instantly realize that was rude. “Thank you, though.”
When I glance over at him, he smiles. “It’s just really good to see you. To be honest, I haven’t been good. I almost ignored your wishes, but I know how you are, and I really didn’t want a door slammed in my face.”