by Bijou Hunter
Grinning, I sit across from him in an overstuffed, green chair. “‘I’m sorry my drama got your boy stuck in a time-out.”
“I caught Mom and Dad plotting to get you away from Bubba. I pointed out how the guy was from Kentucky, and they realized you’d get rid of him on your own. I guess I was right, but at least you got laid first. That’s what I’m smelling, right?”
“I refuse to understand what you’re implying,” I mumble, standing up. “And now for an unrelated reason, I will take a shower. Farewell and feel free to finish my sandwich in the fridge.”
“I’m timing you. Mom says no more than three minutes in the shower unless you’re suffering from full-on summer stank.”
I hurry to my old room, grab spare clothes, jump in the shower, skip washing anything that wasn’t sexed-up, and then get out with a minute to spare.
“Killed it,” I tell Keanu when I return to the couch where he now gears up “Halo.” “Are you waiting for Cap?”
“Yeah, he’ll play during his lunch break.”
“I sometimes forget he’s a father. Then I remember and feel sad for his kid.”
“Shut up, Num-Num,” Keanu says without malice.
“Your words sadden my heart,” I express in Korean.
“My fondest apologies, sister.” Keanu puts down the controller and hugs me. “I still smell Kentucky jizz on you. Color me flabbergasted to learn you hooked up with another biker.”
“Flabbergasted,” I snort. “Did your boyfriend teach you that big word?”
“Yeah, just before he went King Kong on Salty Peanuts.”
“Was it that bad?” I ask, having assumed the entire thing died down as soon as Griff and Bubba’s fight moved outdoors.
“It was a whole lot of nothing. Cap did his stompy thing. I had his back, of course. The meat and potatoes of a few bikers got kicked. Everything was fine, but a few chairs were smashed, so Uncle Camden called Angus to complain about his son’s colossal feet.”
“I’m sure the Imperial One got a good laugh from that.”
“No doubt, but now Cap’s grounded to White Horse for a few days.”
“Are you sure it’s Big Hayes that’s keeping your boy locked away? Maybe Little Audrey wants Cap to herself.”
“That bitch is always keeping us apart,” Keanu whines dramatically. “I remember when I wanted to go bowling, and she had to ruin my good time by giving birth to a giant baby.”
“She’s just jealous of your love,” I say, ruffling his black hair.
“I’m babysitting Keith later this week, so Cap can pound Audrey’s vagina at a hotel. I don’t know why that needs to happen, but it’s probably related to how married people get bored with sex.”
I study my brother, wondering if he and Lottie will ever make their love official. She believes people will think she’s only marrying Keanu for citizenship. I don’t know who these “people” are that care about her romantic life. I’m sure there are those in the club who don’t approve of her, but Keanu isn’t in the Brotherhood, and he doesn’t give a single fuck what any of them—except Dad of course—think.
“What if Lottie didn’t or couldn’t come back from Indonesia?” I ask.
“Are you trying to make me cry?” he asks, flashing me a frown. “Do you get a reward if I shed tears?”
Hugging him, I sigh. “I’m sorry. I was just wondering if you’d move there to be with her.”
“I don’t know,” he mutters. “Now, you have me worried.”
“Don’t stress. If she couldn’t return legally, we’d get her in somehow. You know our family’s motto is ‘Laws are for suckers.’”
Keanu’s tension lessens, and he rolls his eyes. “Is this about Kentucky?”
“Whatever do you mean?” I ask, standing up and walking away. “I don’t understand. What? I can’t hear you.”
Keanu laughs behind me, but I’m sure he’s relieved I’m gone so he can play with his grounded buddy.
My mood is all over the place while I look for Mom. I enjoyed my time with Bubba. I know he can’t stay in Hickory Creek. I understand it’ll be over soon.
Regularly, I can keep my emotional baggage in order as long as I look at a problem logically. People think I’m a hippie and assume I’m ditzy too. Much like Keanu, I don’t really give a fuck about the opinion of most people. Let them think I’m a dumb blonde, pot-smoking hippie. It doesn’t matter because I know me. I get how I work, which is why I’m bothered by how bothered I am at losing Bubba.
Unable to locate Mom, I finally end up in the garage where Dad drinks beer and listens to his music.
“Does the song choice mean you’re sad?” I ask him.
Dad allows a lazy smile. “I listen to country on Mondays. Glad to see you finally got rid of Kentucky,” he says and then scowls darkly. “Tell me that redneck isn’t wandering around my house.”
“No, I dropped him off at his cousin’s.”
“Good. Johanssons are trouble, Num-Num. Trust me. I’ve known that family since I was a kid.”
“Why is trouble always so sexy?”
“No,” he grunts, shaking his head. “I’m telling you that boy is going to crush you and laugh about it to his friends.”
Jumping up on the worktable he’s leaning against, I sigh. “Dad, did you have to give up anything to be with Mom?”
“Pussies that didn’t belong to your mother.”
“Was that difficult for you?” I ask, patting his shoulder sympathetically.
“Not really. I’d fucked enough pussies to know I locked down the best one.”
“You should put that in a greeting card for your next anniversary.”
Dad’s dark brown eyes—that I inherited—narrow. “Don’t you dare give up anything for that Johansson.”
“But is he really a Johansson? Like isn’t his dad a school administrator or something?”
“Doesn’t matter. His mama is Bailey Johansson, and she’s evil. I heard she cut off a man’s dick, cooked it up with some Worcestershire sauce, and served it to the guy.”
“Why would he eat it?”
“She starved him until he was insane with hunger.”
Smiling, I poke him. “That’s not true.”
“No, probably not. Mojo and Playboy used to make up stories about the Johanssons. They claimed Kirk actually had six kids, but he killed one of the boys for wetting the bed and sold a girl to another club for gambling money. Shit like that.”
“Why?”
Dad smiles wider. “For the same reason they made up stories about Angus Hayes. Talking trash about the competition is fun.”
“But back to my question about giving up something for the one you love. Did you have to give up much to be with Mom? Besides, you know, the other pussies.”
“I had to give up my carefree lifestyle. Your mom came with a brat who cock-blocked me left and right. Hated him.”
“He’s playing videogames if you want to join him.”
“Fuck that,” Dad hisses. “He and his stupid bitch friend always kill me.”
Laughing, I hug Dad as he offers me a beer. “Booze makes me sad, and I’m already feeling down.”
“Did he hurt you? I can drive over to White Horse and cut him a second asshole. It’ll make us even for what he pulled last night.”
“He defended me against Griff.”
“Yeah, but chairs were broken, Num-Num. Gotta keep shit in perspective,” he says, winking.
“I really like him,” I mumble, feeling sad. “But he’s from Kentucky.”
“Exactly, and you’re so fucking young. You need a few years of random dicks before you settle on one.”
“What did Mom have to give up to be with you?”
“A life without orgasms.”
Laughing again, I wish his bullshit made me feel better. I just hope I could have with Bubba what he has with my mom.
“Did you love anyone before Mom?”
“Fuck no.”
“Did Mom love anyone before you?”
“Of course not,” he says and then adds, “Wait, what did she tell you?”
“Nothing. I just thought maybe Keanu’s dad.”
“Pointless hookup. Let’s move on.”
“Not pointless. The swapping of fluids created my beloved brother.”
“I like to imagine I was the one who created him, but I was talented enough to use another man’s spunk to get the job done.”
“You are very talented, Daddy,” I say, leaning my head on his shoulder. “Where's Mom?”
“Is that your subtle hint that my advice ain’t cutting it?”
“No, I think I want to cry.”
“You don’t look like you want to cry.”
I scrunch up my face and close my eyes tight. My internal melancholy struggles to rise. Despite the storm in my heart, no tears show up.
“What’s happening?” Dad asks, now pulling out his phone. “What am I looking at?”
“I think I’m going to cry.”
“You think, or you know?”
“Sometimes, a good cry empties out all the bad feelings.”
“Don’t force it.”
“I’m not.”
“You look like you’re trying to force it. That’s not healthy,” Dad says and then raises his phone and snaps a picture,
“You’re trying to make me smile, but I can’t,” I say despite grinning. “I’m too heartbroken over what can never be.”
“Yeah, I can tell. My heart breaks, watching your heartbreak.”
“Am I human?” I ask my father, who shrugs. “Am I part monster? Is that why Mom studies cryptozoology?”
“Might be. While I like to believe you’re mine, we never did a DNA test. You could very well be half monster and half Harmony. You’re awfully blonde to be a Sasquatch, though.”
“Why can’t I cry?” I ask, trying again to squeeze a few tears from my eyeballs. “Was I not raised right?”
“I wasn’t there for much of your childhood,” he lies. “It’s possible your mom did a piss-poor job.”
As if summoned by Dad’s bullshit, my blonde goddess mother appears from what I assume was a brisk walk around the property.
“What’s happening here?” she asks, entering the garage.
“She’s broken, Harmony. Shattered on the inside and possibly an alien. You’ll need to get that fixed.”
“Did that Johansson boy hurt her feelings?”
“Why do you assume he dumped me?” I ask Mom.
“Yeah, my baby girl dumps other people. They do not dump her.”
“Thanks, Daddy,” I say, jumping down from the workbench as Mom chuckles at the picture Dad took of me trying to cry. “I just thought crying would fix what troubles me before we do this painting party thing. Do you think Griff will be there?”
My parents share a frown. “He’s on house arrest,” Dad says. “Something like that. I don’t remember what Camden was trying to convey because his words were slurred behind his lumberjack beard.”
“Poor Daisy,” Mom sighs, pitying her sister married to Dad’s brother. “I can’t imagine kissing that face.”
“This is the better one, right?” Dad says, gesturing at his smiling mug.
“Always,” Mom murmurs. “I scored.”
My parents’ love warms my heart. They’re still into each other after all these years and two kids and no doubt enough sex to make the actual process rudimentary. I was in such a hurry to have what they do that I grabbed on to Griff without worrying about the consequences.
Am I doing the same thing with Bubba now?
THE RUNAWAY
Audrey does her best to entertain me on my second night in Tennessee. She chooses to watch action movies, feeds me mountains of pizza, and offers gallons of beer. Despite approving of my cousin’s efforts, I can’t settle down.
I ought to be worried about Conroe or how my mom keeps texting with cataclysmic concerns about the town’s well-being.
“We might get tornados!” she messages all night. Having checked the news reports, I know Mom is full of shit.
Mostly, I spend my evening wishing I was with Soso. Is her ex-boyfriend at the painting party? Will people talk shit about me there? Worse is the worry that she isn’t as obsessed with me as I am with her.
And I am obsessed.
Around midnight, I nearly take off for her place. I’m convinced I can push my way inside and make her accept me as her man.
But what if Soso isn’t there? I don’t know Hickory Creek Township well enough to track her down. If she’s off with someone else, I’m fucking positive I can’t control what happens when I see that man.
It’s unacceptable that Soso’s made me crazy while she might not be thinking of me at all.
I only sleep out of boredom. The next morning, I check my phone immediately. More rambling messages from Mom—tornados, intruders, a strange smell coming from the basement. There’s also a quick hello from Pop. But nothing from the person I need to hear from the most.
Audrey invites me to join her, Cap, and Keith for breakfast at a Waffle House. Agreeing, I’m desperate for a distraction from thinking about Soso or the endless texts from my mom.
Despite knowing their office is next door, I’m startled to find the compact restaurant filled with the Hayes family. Like literally no one else is in the fucking place except them and the staff.
There’s the big man himself at the counter. Even three times my age, Angus Hayes remains intimidating with a head full of black hair that I’m reasonably sure he doesn’t dye. Next to the giant sonovabitch is his curvy, blonde wife, Candy. Neither of them takes notice of me, but I know they’re aware I’ve joined the party.
The rest of the Hayes clan sit in a line of booths at the back windows. Brunette Cricket relaxes with her husband whose name I never remember, but I do recall he’s a member of a biker club in West Virginia. Their boy-girl twins are nearly teenagers, while their youngest son is a toddler.
In the next booth sits Cricket’s blond twin brother, Chipper. His wife holds their pink-cheeked daughter while their uber blond son sits in his lap. Like with Cricket’s kids and partner, I have no memory of any of these people’s names.
Cap and Audrey take the open booth at the end and set Keith in a high chair. Sliding in across from the couple stuffed on one side, I keep an eye on the rest of the group. Then, without checking the menu, I order a waffle and coffee.
“He’s still in town,” Hayes says to no one in particular.
Without hesitation, Audrey announces, “My cousin is free to stay as long as he wants.”
There’s something damn precious about such a petite woman giving grief to a man as huge as Hayes. It’s been a joke in my family that Audrey and Cap make no sense. How is she not endlessly intimidated by these people? Because she’s a fucking Johansson. That’s how!
“I thought you were screwing one of the twins’ daughters,” Hayes says, and I assume he’s speaking to me about the Rutgers twins rather than any of his own.
Before I can respond, Candy asks, “Layla?”
“No, the one with normal hair.”
“The blonde,” Cricket adds.
“Which twin is her father?” Hayes asks.
Candy stops fiddling with her hash browns and frowns at her husband. “You know the answer.”
“Remembering goes against my religions.”
“Now you have more than one?” Candy asks.
“I’m a large man, which means I need more than one of everything,” Hayes says and then smirks. “Except for wives. One is enough.”
Even without knowing what Candy whispers to him, I suspect they’ll be fucking after breakfast.
“I heard the blonde one is a whore,” Chipper says, covering his son’s ears before uttering the final word.
Before I can punch anyone, Cricket shoots a dirty look at her twin brother. “She’s just doing what her father did before settling down.”
“True. He was a whore then, and she’s a whore now. Poor Bubba
probably caught something.”
Eyeballing Chipper, I mutter, “I don’t want to break your face in front of your kids, but if you talk shit about Soso again, I’ll have no choice.”
Everyone gets very quiet—except for the small children who seem to be louder—and I wonder if I’m about to have my ass kicked by the giants. Then Candy snorts, and they all start laughing.
“Adorable,” Cap says and nudges Audrey. “He’s hooked on a whore.”
“That’s it,” I say, standing up and coming at him.
“Stop!” Audrey cries. “Don’t make Cap kill you in front of the children!”
Everyone laughs again, but I can’t let it go. Since violence isn’t an option with Keith staring directly at me with his dark, Johansson eyes, I knock over Cap’s orange juice and soak his lap.
“I’ll allow that to happen because you’re family,” says the big man, tossing a napkin in his lap while Audrey laughs wildly and takes a picture.
I return to my seat and grumble, “Uh-huh. Stop talking shit about Soso.”
“She’s probably fucking someone else right this minute,” Chipper announces, but I barely understand the final words since he’s laughing so hard.
Cricket and Tatum giggle at how he asks for trouble. Then his sister stands up and walks to my table.
Handing me her glass of juice, Cricket growls, “Punish him.”
Nodding, Tatum reaches for her son sitting on Chipper’s lap. “Just let me remove our child from the splash zone.”
Cap leans across the table and whispers loudly, “Do it. My shame will be lessened if I share it with Chip.”
“It’s not as fun when you want it,” I mutter before spilling the drink in Chipper’s lap. “But it’s still fun.”
“For fuck’s sake,” Hayes grumbles. “My sons are idiots.”
Candy pounds the counter and grabs for her drink. “Don’t you criticize my boys.”
“You made them this way.”
“No, all the good stuff was from me. You gave them all the shitty stuff.”
“Chipper isn’t even biologically mine. How—”
Chipper, Cricket, and Cap gasp in unison.