by Koboah, A D
Oh, Avery, I thought, my heart aching for him. I love you too. If only you would read my thoughts, for I can never tell you I love you even though I want to with all my heart.
“It frightens even me sometimes, the intensity of my feelings for you,” he said as he stood and moved to the window. “It is so strong that I want to reach out and crush those who tormented you even though they can no longer do you harm. And it does not matter how many things I do to your old Master, it is never enough to assuage the hate that smoulders within me.”
“What you mean by that, Avery?” I asked, slightly alarmed by the intense fury I saw in his eyes at the mention of Master John.
He moved from the window and came to stand before me.
“Oh, it’s nothing really,” he said waving his hand in the air as if to dismiss the seriousness of his actions but I could see in his eyes that he knew exactly how serious it was. “I have merely sent him a few hallucinations, brought some of his worst nightmares to life, so to speak.”
“Like what?”
“Nothing so frightening that it would actually unhinge his mind or kill him. I merely made him think he had been buried alive a few times.” A soft smile curled the corners of his mouth and he looked away. “Do not worry, Luna. I did not permanently injure him. Only his pride was hurt at the fact that he woke up the whole plantation with his high, childlike screams.”
“Avery, I wants you to stop doing them things to him.”
“Oh, come now, Luna. Asking me not to torment John Holbert is like asking the sun not to shine. It is impossible not to have ill feeling toward that man. Do you know that everyone despises him? Even his own mother and brother? What you are asking is simply impossible.”
“You listen to me now, Avery, and listen good,” I said reaching out and grasping his wrist.
He seemed to forget everything for a moment and stared at the hand clutching his wrist with a kind of awe.
“Avery!” I shook his wrist and he met my gaze again, a sublime expression of pure joy in his eyes. “You wants to be a man again, don’t you?”
He nodded, his gaze returning to the hand grasping his wrist.
“You know that scares me?”
I saw confusion and uncertainty in his gaze when he brought it up to mine again.
“Why?”
“Cause I’ve watched white mens be cruel my whole life and I’s scared that that’s what you’s gonna be. So, please, stop ’cause I don’t wants you to ever be like them.”
He seemed to understand and he smiled sweetly at me when he sat down. “Luna. Beautiful Luna. ”
“You gonna quit?”
“If it is your wish, then I am obliged to try, for who can refuse the request of such an angelic, selfless being as yourself? Your old Master is a worthless excuse for a man but you are right. What I do is nothing compared to what your mother has planned for him but—”
“Mama? What she gonna do?”
“I do not know for sure, but maybe she means to lay sickness on him as she did his father.”
“You fooling me?”
“No, she cursed him. It was meant to kill him but unfortunately he survived the stroke.”
“That can’t be.”
“You have never believed in her skills but am I not proof that powerful magic exists? Your mother is very powerful. If her attention was not taken up with trying to kill me, she would have taken care of Master John by now.”
The emotional turmoil of the last night and a half came swooping down on me at the thought that Mama meant to kill Avery.
“I can see that you still do not believe she is powerful enough to do harm, but she is,” he said and I was relieved that he had again misread my expression.
“But she don’t be knowing how to kill you. Or do she?”
“I believe she does. She knows that certain metals can pierce my flesh and that the sun weakens me, because that is when I feel her the most. She can also summon things. Spirits that may be able to hold me for long enough for someone to inflict a mortal wound.”
He said all this with an air of fascination at the thought of his death, whilst the blood turned to ice in my veins.
“She felt your distress a few nights ago when you realised that I was looking into your mind. And it has made her determined to find you. She can see that you are in this house but she does not know where it is or how to get to it yet. Do not be alarmed, Luna. I may not be able to hear your thoughts but I can hear your heart racing. I will not hurt your mother.” He smiled again at that moment. “I could never hurt anyone who cares for you that deeply. And besides, I have seen her through your eyes and through the eyes of that boy Ebenezer and...I love her too now.”
I sighed. Only Avery could love the one woman on this Earth who not only knew how to kill him, but wouldn’t hesitate to rip his heart out if she got anywhere near him.
“I should let you get some sleep. You look exhausted, Luna.” Concern creased his brow.
“No, I’s fine,” I said, terrified of letting him out of my sight even for a moment.
“I noticed you did not eat the peach pie Mary made.” He searched my face as he spoke.
“I done told you it’s the heat. I couldn’t eat nothing.”
He nodded even though he appeared puzzled.
“Is them clothes new?” I said to change the subject.
His face lit up. “Yes. I went into town and had new clothes made. The last time I did so I made them do what I wanted without showing myself. But I was able to move amongst them yesterday and no one suspected that I was anything other than what I was pretending to be. A few noted the paleness of my complexion but none thought I was anything other than a wealthy man.”
“What about the womens? What you see in they heads?”
He paused and looked at me questioningly, perhaps wondering at my tone, so I bit back my jealousy and added light-heartedly, “Women always see more then mens.”
“Yes, of course. No, they did not appear to notice anything unusual. But I must say it was amusing being around them as their thoughts are often very different from the things they say and the way they act.”
He chucked lightly and frustratingly did not elaborate on the thoughts of these women or his interaction with them. But I could imagine all too well how they must have fawned over him. It was a sickening, painful thought.
But the thing that dominated my mind as I sat talking to Avery was the news of Mama and how desperate she was to find us. I promised myself that I would sit down with Avery at some point over the next few nights so we could decide how best to let Mama know that I was safe where I was.
But I’m ashamed to say that I never did. The news of Mama’s distress troubled me, but being around Avery was at times like being at the heart of the sun. It blinded me to everything but him. I also put off discussing the issue because I knew in my heart it would mean doing battle with Mama. A battle I had no hope of ever winning because nothing would ever convince her to let me be with Avery. Besides, I knew now that my time with him would soon come to an end.
I was in turmoil that night as I listened to him and watched him, delighting in his achievements but also despairing at the small changes I kept seeing. I despaired because ironically, the more of his humanity that he was able to regain, the humanity he credited me with helping him to rediscover, the less of a possibility there was for us to have any kind of future together.
He was changing. I saw it in the way he stood, the way he walked, and the way he talked. He was slowly becoming a man again. A white man. And I could never tell him I loved him because there was no place in this society for a white man and a Negroe woman unless she was his bed wench. A Negro woman was less than nothing to the world at large, a world in which women were judged by four virtues: piety, domesticity, submissiveness, and purity. And although I had spent most of my life striving to meet those virtues, there was one I could have no hope of attaining. And that was purity, the one virtue that had been stolen from me one bright spr
ing day in the woods and which would always have been denied me by my position as a female slave.
Once Avery regained his humanity and took on the values of the society in which we lived, he would soon see me as nothing but his property. And if I let him treat me as such, it would completely poison the love and respect I had for him. So I kept quiet, knowing I had to make do with the time that I had with him, to live each day as it came, until he was gone.
“Can I show you something outside?” he asked.
“Sure, but you gots to let me have a minute to bathe and change outta these dusty clothes,” I said.
“All right. I will wait for you by the stables.”
“Make sure you don’t go nowhere now, Avery,” I blurted out.
“There is nowhere else that I would want to be.”
He studied me intently for a long moment. “How I wish I knew what you were thinking right now, Luna.”
“You saying you want take a look?” I asked.
If only he would, I thought, and end my agony.
“No,” he said with a sheepish smile. “I have learned my lesson.” He grew serious again. “I will be waiting outside.”
He walked to the door then paused as if he were about to say something more, but then changed his mind and left.
I bathed quickly and chose a sky-blue dress to wear, one of the nicer ones he had given me. Then I ran down to the stables at the back of the house and was relieved to find Avery waiting for me as he said he would be.
***
The “something” that Avery wanted to show me was a light brown mare, which I took an instant dislike to, probably because Avery seemed to have fallen in love with it.
“What in God’s name is that?” I asked.
He faced me, amused by the question and, no doubt, my displeasure. “A horse.”
“I know it be a horse, Avery,” I said archly. “What I’s asking is what the hell it be doing here?”
“I found her a few miles from here.” He went back to stroking and patting its neck. “Most animals can sense that there is something different about me and so steer clear. But she approached me and I have no idea how she knew where to find me, but she was waiting here when I brought you back this evening. There’s something special about her. Can you not feel it?”
“Why it be looking at me like that?”
I wasn’t being difficult this time. It was looking at me with its eyelids half lowered, a look I found particularly sinister.
“Looking at you how, Luna? She likes you, I can sense it. Come closer so she can say hello properly.”
I stayed where I was. There was no way I was going anywhere near that thing when it was looking at me like that.
“You are not scared, are you?” he asked, amused.
“No! I just don’t like the way it be looking at me.”
“I do not believe it.” He laughed, and stroked the horse’s head. “The same Luna who fearlessly tried to fight a vampire twice her size is scared of a horse! Unbelievable!”
“I says I ain’t scared of it,” I said and stepped up to the horse to prove my point, only to jump back when it swung its head into my chest.
“Ah, look how playful she is with you, Luna. She loves you.”
I wasn’t so sure but I stroked its mane anyway to avoid any more accusations that I was scared of a horse.
“Will you look after her for me during the day?”
“Sure, Avery,” I said, and tried to direct a dirty look at the stupid horse without Avery seeing.
It pulled its lips back from its teeth and whinnied, almost as if it was laughing at me, something Avery found hilarious and took as another sign that the horse liked me.
“A vampire?” I asked stepping away from the horse so I could avoid any more “playful” tosses of its head. “Is that what you is?”
The hand that was stroking the horse slowed and the smile left his face.
“That is what the ones who turned me called themselves. Vampires. But it is just another word for demon in my eyes,” he said morosely.
I wanted to ask him again about his past and what had happened at the chapel, but he looked unhappy now and it would be foolish to risk another argument so soon after he had returned.
I asked anyway.
“Avery, tell me what happened.”
He sighed and stopped stroking the horse. He turned to me, eyes heavy with years and years of sadness.
“Luna, I cannot talk about what happened at the chapel. It is too painful for me. Those things killed my wife right before my eyes and then turned me into this!” He was silent for a while before he spoke again. “It is hard to talk about her because I am consumed with guilt whenever I think about it. I was not a good husband to her. I only had one love at that time and that was God. There was no room for anyone else and she knew that. Maybe in time I will be able to talk about all that happened. But I will not talk about it now, so please, do not ask me.”
I tried to give him a look of acceptance, but knew I was scowling.
“I wish you could see how adorable you look at this very moment, Luna.”
“You be thinking everything I does is ‘adorable’ ’cause you gots nothing to compare it to. I wonder what I’s gonna do when you start seeing that there ain’t nothing special or ‘adorable’ about nothing I says or does.”
“Or maybe you cannot see just how enchanting you are. How beautiful, how strong, and kind. No one can ever compare to you.”
I couldn’t look at him. The pain was acute at the thought that although he probably meant what he said, he would soon be gone, so I changed the subject.
“So what you gonna call that thing?”
“Julia,” he said, growing sad again. “In memory of my wife.”
“You naming that horrible thing after your dead wife?”
He faced me, more than a little exasperated.
“I’s asking that’s all,” I added quickly. “Calls it what you want.”
“I will, my dear, adorable little Luna.”
He was, as always, so sincere but I felt sure that the day would soon come when he would not only start comparing me to other women, but would find me wanting in contrast. I could only promise myself that when the time came for him to leave, I wouldn’t return to a life of bondage.
“Avery. I seen some guns here the other morning. Can you teaches me how to use one?”
He mulled over this for a second and then he vanished. I gasped. No matter how many times he did that, I couldn’t get used to it. He reappeared a moment later with a gun and a box of bullets in his hands.
“You gonna teach me?” I asked.
“Well, of c...” He stopped and stared at me apprehensively.
“What, Avery? You think I’s gonna shoot you once you show me?”
“Well, yes.”
“Oh come now, Avery! I ain’t gonna shoot you!”
“It is not my safety that I worry about, Luna. A bullet cannot pierce my flesh. I only worry that you will try to shoot me in a rage one day and the bullet will ricochet off my hard skin and hit you instead. How do you think I would feel if that happened?”
He had been leading the horse back into the stables as he spoke and I was glad to be rid of that horrible thing and the sinister way it had of looking at me.
“I says I ain’t gonna shoot you, Avery, now give me the gun,” I said when he returned.
“Let me show you something first.” He loaded the gun. “Stand back, Luna.”
I rolled my eyes and took a few steps back.
“Farther back please, Luna.”
“Avery!” I folded my arms.
“Please, Luna, just a little farther back,” he said, clearly amused.
I took a few more steps back and then waited, hands on hips, tapping my foot.
He nodded, seemingly satisfied, and then brought his hands up and aimed the gun at his palm.
“Avery?” I said uneasily, taking a step forward.
“It is all right, Luna. Ju
st watch.”
I jumped when the gun went off and then ran to him. The hand at which he had aimed the gun was closed in a fist and he opened it slowly to show the misshapen bullet sitting in his palm. He let it fall to the ground and held his palm out to show me.
“See, I am completely unharmed.”
“Yes, that’s mighty fine. You gonna show me how to use the gun now?”
“I will, but you have to promise not to try and shoot me. My skin is completely impenetrable...”
“Yes, yes. So you said.”
“... So you will only hurt yourself if you try and shoot me, so promise me now that you never will.”
“Avery! I says I ain’t gonna shoot you.”
“Promise me, Luna,” he said sternly.
“I promise.”
“Good, because as you have seen, there is a very real possibility that you will hurt yourself if you try.”
I rolled my eyes again and was so annoyed by his long drawn out warning that the first thing I did when he (finally) gave me the gun was aim it at him, even though I had no intention of pulling the trigger.
In an instant he vanished, reappeared at my side, and wrenched the gun out of my hand. Then he flung it away and I could only watch as it arced high and disappeared into the night a great distance from where we stood. When he turned to face me, I was a little bit scared when I saw how furious he was.
“Luna! What did I just tell you? What have I just spent the last few minutes explaining and even demonstrating to you? I am telling you now, Luna, I will not tolerate this foolhardy, reckless behaviour. I won’t stand for it!”
I could only stare at him as I put a hand over my mouth to stifle the laughter. He was angry. Avery was actually angry with me. His eyes were blazing, his cheeks flushed, and his mouth was fixed in a hard, thin line.
I couldn’t help it. I started laughing, even though it was bound to make him even more furious. But the anger immediately left him as he watched me, a smile of his own tugging at his lips. Only when my laughter had subsided did he speak.
“I believe that is the first time I have heard the sound of your laughter. And what a beautiful sound it is,” he said, gazing at me adoringly.