by Tessa Layne
As always, the festival is stellar. The bands are amazing, the sights are indescribable, and the VIP passes make the experience immeasurably better. Throughout the day, we stroll from one stage to the next, visiting food trucks as the mood strikes us, our earlier tiff practically forgotten. The sun has been strong all day with temperatures that would be unbearable if not for the constant Midwest winds blowing across the flat plains. And the light feathery clouds that are rolling in, reflect and refract the dying light as the sun begins its descent toward the horizon. The sunset is seemingly endless.
Now is when the headliners take the main stage, drawing bigger crowds, all attention on the band members under the lights.
Finn grabs a beer for himself and a bottled water for me and pulls me toward the side of the main stage. “C’mon, Gavin’s up after this band. We can get up on the wings with these passes, yeah?” His hands shake slightly as he pushes his fingers through his hair, sweat slicking the dark red curls back as well as turning his gray t-shirt a much darker hue. “The fans blowing across the stage might cool us off a bit.” He reaches back to take my hand and leads me to the side of the audience, where the crowds are a bit thinner and a girl can almost breath.
His exchange with the security guard gets swallowed up by the thump of bass pushing through stacked speakers, and cheers of the crowd calling for just one more song from the band on stage. Little do they know that the last song, was not the last, a couple of encores are always built into the time allotment for these bands.
In addition to the web design I do for the festival hosts, I lent a hand with scheduling and several other menial tasks. The girl who usually takes care of those mundane things was out on maternity leave, so I jumped in and helped.
The security guard lets us through and my heart jumps uncomfortably as we climb the steps to the side of the stage. I can’t say I enjoy being this close to the main attraction, hell, I don’t actually like being anywhere near the event. Crowds and people are not my thing and while I’ve been dating an attention whore for well over a year, I‘m still not comfortable with being in the spotlight.
“Christ, yes. It’s much cooler up here out of the masses. Addie, love, you’re fine,” he says pulling me up the final steps before the fan’s breeze hits me. I relax for a brief moment, before realization sets in that I’m standing just to the left of the band currently holding court over the sea of fans crowding the stage.
My breath catches and sticks in my throat, choking me; panic wrapping me in its constrictive hold. My heart races, skin flaming as blood rushes to the surface. Lights flash, and my hearing seems to come and go, not from the volume of the music, but panic. I know it’s ridiculous, but this reaction is why I don’t people very often. And on this scale, dear God, help me, I think I might just pass out or die.
“… okay?” I hear as my brain kicks back in. I close my eyes and concentrate on the soft lazy circles that someone is tracing on my back, relaxing me for a moment. “Y’all need to sit, Addie?” I know that voice with its slightly southern lilt. “Come on now, let’s get you situated. Keep your eyes closed for a bit, Finn’s gonna guide you over here…there you go, and you just sit a minute and catch your breath.”
When I’m seated on a barstool, and safely wrapped in Finn’s arms, my face cradled against his broad chest, I can finally breathe easier. Not much, but being surrounded by this man, inhaling his warm spicy scent and knowing that he’ll do whatever it takes to shield me from my fears is the best balm for a panic attack.
“You ’bout ready, man?” Gavin asks Finn. Even he knows about my quirks.
Finn plants a kiss on the top of my head and murmurs something in Gaelic to me before telling Gavin, “We’ll be fine, won’t we love?” With his attention now turned to me, I lean back and look up, seeing nothing but love light up his eyes. The deep green pools are positively dancing with excitement and I know I have to pull myself together for him. This is important to Finn and he’s had a rough year, losing his boss and mentor to cancer, taking on the responsibility of not just running the pub, but full ownership as well.
“I’m good, I’m…did I drop my water bottle?” I know I had it before the panic set in.
“Here, have a quick sip of my beer and I’ll find you a new bottle of water.” Finn hands me the plastic cup, squeezing my free hand quickly before stepping away to search through a cooler backstage. Beer is not my beverage of choice, but the cool liquid feels amazing sliding down my parched throat, and before I know it, half the beer is gone.
Finn swaps a fresh bottle of water for the plastic cup. “From a not a sip, to chugging a pint? You’ll be arse over teakettle in no time,” he chuckles. “Doin’ better?”
“Yeah, sorry. How do people do this?” I wave my hand at the crowd. “I don’t even like being in the pub on St. Patrick’s Day.” And with that, a wave of crew members and musicians wash around us. Swapping out the last band for Gavin’s band, The UnBroken. I hold my breath and close my eyes until the resurgence of anxiety passes once again.
I’m fine. I’m okay. I repeat my mantra well into The UnBroken’s set and finally—finally—I settle into the music and almost forget the thousands of people singing and screaming for the band. Focused only on Finn’s soothing touch and guys I know on stage.
Until it all goes to shit.
Chapter 9
F inn
When she’s finally back to normal, or at least normal for my sweet girl, I raise my hand to get the band’s attention. Gavin and Kane, Nate and Ian—they all know what’s coming, and though Gav hinted at this being a mistake to do up so big, it’ll be fine. I know it will. It’s a tradeoff. And the timing couldn’t be better.
The UnBroken finishes up their hit One and the lights on stage dim.
Gavin steps up to his mic and quietly announces, “We’ve got a special song for you tonight, sung by a good friend of ours. Put your hands together for the Irish Legend, himself, Finn O’Meara.”
Addie’s back stiffens, as she gasps, blinking wildly. “What are you doing?” she asks.
“Is tú mo rogha,” I tell her, feeling every bit of the love in my heart, knowing that she truly is my chosen one.
“Finn?” She shakes her head as I step out onto the stage and take a microphone from Kane, the lead singer.
“Thank you. Erm, it’s hard to find a traditional Irish love song that’s not sad, let alone tragic. Most tend to have one of the couple dead and buried, so while this isn’t quite as old as I’d like it to be, it’s a bit more appropriate.” I steal a glance over at Addie and throw her a wink. She’s a bit pale still, but surely, she’ll be grand when this is done. Overcome with undying love for me. At least that’s my plan.
Gavin plucks at the strings of his acoustic guitar and I launch into the lyrics of Steal Away by Celtic Thunder, asking her to steal away with me and start our lives together.
As Gavin’s final notes echo, leaving me to finish the song on my own, I reach into my pocket. Fishing past my wallet and phone, I grasp the black velvet box and pull it free to cheers and whistles and applause.
“Adelaide. C’mere, love.” I turn to see all the color has drained from her face. “Addie?” I squint through the bright stage lights to see her shaking her head furiously. I know it’s hard for her to be the center of attention, but for the love of God, I’ve done everything to plan a small intimate ceremony just for her, I should be able to have my moment in the asking.
Her knuckles are white where she’s grasping the bar stool, clinging to its perceived safety. Since she’s obviously not moving, I cross the stage, the spotlight right with me as I drop to my knee in front of her.
“Adelaide Huntington, would you do me the highest honor”—I flip open the box and drop it to the stage as I pull the ring from its folds—“and make me the happiest man alive. Will you marry me, mo chroí?”
This proposal couldn’t be more perfect. The song was grand, the sunset as if it were made just for us, the alexandrite center stone burs
ting with a myriad of colors, just like my gorgeous Adelaide.
Absolutely perfect.
Except that all I see is Addie’s back getting swallowed by the night as she purposely walks away from me.
“Addie?” I drop the microphone to run after her, desperately trying to follow the raised middle finger. But because of my shite luck, I’m slowed by slaps to the back and condolences. “Dude, that’s rough.” And, “Damn, man. That’s cold.”
It’s like wading through mud, but I finally break free of the crowds and run toward the car park. Hopping up on a picnic table, I search for her, but the coming darkness all but washes out the sea of bodies, blurring them into a muted image. And my colorful girl is nowhere to be seen.
Not knowing what else to do, where else to go, I leap off the table and run full bore for the car. Surely, she won’t leave without me.
Disappointed, I lean against the boot of the car and pull out my phone. I slide the ring—Addie’s ring—onto my pinkie and type out a text.
Me: Addie, where are you?
Me: Are you okay?
Where could she have gone? She would have come here to escape, gather herself and wait for me, wouldn’t she?
Me: Please tell me you’re ok. I’m worried…
I search the surrounding area, petrified that she’s walking around alone. Upset and completely vulnerable.
As I type out another round of texts, pleading for her to talk to me, her voice sends chills down my spine. “How could you do that to me?”
I spin to face the love of my life. “Thank Christ, you’re alright.”
Snorting, Addie shakes her head. “I wouldn’t say that. I’m …you…you humiliated me. How could you, Finn? Do you even know me? Have you paid attention at all? How could you possibly think it would be a good idea to throw me into the spotlight like that, huh?” Tears well in her eyes, her voice shakes. Her lip trembles.
“Addie, I—”
“No. Nuh-uh. There’s nothing you can say right now that’s going to make this better. Jesus, Finn. How can you ask me to marry you when you have so little regard for me? For my feelings. For how fucking panicked I was to begin with? You know—you know—I was practically shitting my pants just being up on that stage, surrounded by all of those people and you pick that most horrible moment to ask me the most important question in our relationship? What the actual fuck?” Addie bats at the tears in her eyes, frustration rolling off of her in waves.
“I just—” I just what? What can I say that will explain what I was doing? That I have it all planned out? She’s right. She’s absolutely right, and as good as my intentions might be, my execution was pure shite. I don’t know what to say, so I stop. If I’ve learned nothing else in life, I’ve learned that I can’t dig myself out of a hole. It’s impossible, really. All I can do at this God given moment is put the shovel down. Stop digging, and maybe give her some space, because the last thing I want is to lose Addie, and I feel like I’m dangerously close to doing just that.
“I need to go,” she says quietly.
“Okay. Let me drive you—”
“Alone.” The rental keys dangle from her outstretched hand. “I’ll call an Uber.”
Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. “Addie, please. I don’t want you doing that, let me take you back to the hotel. I won’t say a word until you’re ready for me to. I’ll give you all the space you need,” I beg, but she shakes her head.
“I’m not going back to the hotel. I …I need some time, Finn. This is just too much, too crazy. I …I don’t know.”
“Where are you going to go? I’m not letting you jump in an Uber alone and upset, not knowing where you’re headed. To your friend Brielle’s?” All I get in response is more head shaking and tears. “Addie,” I plead. “Don’t shut me out. I—”
“If you love me, let me go. I c-can’t do this right now. I don’t know if I can do this period, I…” she hiccups and then the embarrassment threatens to flip into full blown anger. I’ve seen this once before and just thinking about that night makes me want to turn back time and listen to Gavin when he questioned whether this grand gesture was a good idea or not.
Solemnly, I acquiesce. “Okay, I’ll-I’ll let ye go. But only if you keep the car, yeah? I can’t do it if yer at the hands of a stranger and I don’t know where you’re off to.” Emotion thickens my accent, choking me as it does. I take the keys from her and unlock the car. With a heavy heart, I open her door and wait for her to slide into the driver’s seat before placing the keys in her hand. “You take the hotel; I’ll find somewhere else.”
Addie’s hands drop to her lap as she stares out the windshield, tears rolling down her face. How could I have fucked this up so badly? I crouch down next to her and run her braid through my hand tugging slightly so she faces me. “I’m so sorry. Please, just let me know when your safe in the room. I love you Addie, more than anything.”
“I’m not going to the hotel, Finn. I-I need to… I need to be away from you, to process all of this. And figure out how to keep going. Or if it’s even the right thing to do.” And those words are the ones that break me.
I blow out a shaky breath, my head dropping down between hunched shoulders, the weight of my idiocy heavier than I ever imagined. “Right. Erm, just be safe, then. I’ll give you time, space—anything you need—but I’ve already given you my heart, Addie. It’s yours.” I press my lips to her forehead, squeezing my eyes shut and praying that I haven’t made an irreparable mistake.
Closing the door, I take a step back and watch as she buckles herself in. I stand there until the taillights are nothing more than a memory, alone and wallowing in self-pity. Fuck’s sake. I did this. I fucked this up. Once again, this immature, self-involved knob from Dublin has fucked up his life. But this time, I truly don’t know what to do. I’m stuck in a field in the middle of fucking Kansas. No car. No fiancée. No idea what to do or where to go.
I could go find Gavin; tell him he was right, though I’m sure he figured that out as my epic proposal took the piss. Instead, I pull up my Uber app and order a car. Clicking through the options, because, nope, I don’t want to share a ride. I want to wallow in my own private hell on the trip back into the city.
Chapter 10
A ddie
How could Finn possibly think that was a good idea?
As if on autopilot, I drive back into Kansas City, thankfully ahead of the traffic around the baseball field, though the Kings evidently won. Normally I enjoy a good fireworks display, but tonight, I just want to get away. From everything.
I’m completely overwhelmed, my nerves on fire and my heart twisted and bleeding. My phone pings a handful of times. A quick glance at the screen shows that our friends know something is up. I swipe the screen and it’s like the notifications were just waiting for some kind of acknowledgment. Notification after notification slide up the screen like a Vegas slot machine. Again, since I’ve not actually been there, I guess I imagine that’s how it would look if I won the jackpot.
Except, there’s no jackpot for me. Instead, I feel like I’ve lost everything.
My knuckles turn white as I squeeze the steering wheel with every ounce of strength and then some.
Why? Why? Why?
I drop my phone to the seat and brush the tears from my cheeks. I need to focus, pay attention and keep my shit together until I get to Bri’s apartment.
Fifteen minutes later, I park on the street in front of her building and tap out a text.
Me: Bri, are you home? I need to talk.
Tears roll down my cheeks, unchecked while I wait for a response.
Bri: Nope. I’m with Adam at the festival…aren’t you here?
Of course, she’s there with her boyfriend and his band. Who would have ever thought my strait-laced librarian of a friend would have ended up dating a drummer in a band? Surely, she knows…
Bri: You missed the most amazing thing. People are talking about a blown proposal!
Me: Yeah.
Bri:
Oh God, tell me that wasn’t you. Tell me that’s not how he did it.
Me: That would be a lie. I don’t know what to do, Bri!
Bri: You know where you need to go. She’s got the answers. Just go.
I let her words sink in, and I know she’s right. I pull a U-turn in front of Bri’s building and head over to the west side of the Crossroads District. It’s late, but not too late. The only way to get into the speakeasy is down an alley, and the idea of that is creepy as shit. I wanted to bring Finn here for the experience, but tonight I think I just need the seedy solitude of There in Spirits all to myself.
This place has got to still be run by the mob. Cash only. No pictures once you’re inside. You can’t tell me there’s not still some scary underground mob stuff still going strong in this city.
I walk down the alley, surprised at how well-lit it actually is and pull open the practically unmarked door. An arctic blast of conditioned air smacks me in the face, ripping the breath from my body as the door swooshes shut behind me, leaving me in a vacuum of silence. Each step echoes in the stairwell, the roughhewn rock wall looks imposing at the base of the stairs.
I peer into the dimly lit ante chamber, lined with old theater seats, lit by an art deco fixture, flush against the ceiling. Thankfully, the lantern outside the door is green, indicating that there’s room for me inside. I knock loudly on the door and wait. And wait.
The door snicks open, revealing a very hipster looking dude, dressed in black skinny jeans, a patterned button down and a bow tie. The Buddy Holly glasses and man bun are nothing short of apropos.
“Welcome to There in Spirits, is this your first time with us?” he asks, backing into the dark room.
I glance toward the bar, relieved to see the famed Sierra is here, holding court. “No, but it’s been awhile. Is there room at the bar for one?”