Here are all of the versions again, without my commentary, so you can follow the step-by-step progression:
VERSION 1
A man with a background in the military travels all over the world, where he ends up saving others in order to save himself.
VERSION 2
An international man of mystery with a military background travels the world saving others in order to save himself.
VERSION 3
A troubled ex-military man travels the world to avoid his own personal demons, but in the process saves others, which helps him save himself.
VERSION 4
A troubled ex-Navy Seal exorcises his own personal demons by spending his life traveling the world to save others.
VERSION 5
A troubled ex-Navy Seal fights his own personal demons by forcing himself to travel the world saving the lives of strangers.
VERSION 6
An emotionally damaged ex-Navy Seal fights his inner demons, in penance by traveling the world saving the lives of strangers.
VERSION 7
An emotionally damaged ex-Navy Seal fights inner demons by traveling the world in pursuit of saving the lives of strangers.
VERSION 8
A degenerate ex-Seal fights inner demons by forcing himself to continuously save the lives of complete strangers.
VERSION 9
A bottomed-out ex-Seal fights inner demons by forcing himself to continuously save the lives of complete strangers.
VERSION 10
A bottomed-out ex-Seal fights to overcome his suicidal tendencies by continuously saving the lives of complete strangers.
That’s a long process, right? And honestly, that’s nothing. I’ve had projects that went through twenty or thirty revisions (or more). But if you take a moment to reread the first logline and then the last one, skipping the ones in between, you’ll see why it’s all worth it:
VERSION 1
A man with a background in the military travels all over the world, where he ends up saving others in order to save himself.
VERSION 10
A bottomed-out ex-Seal fights to overcome his suicidal tendencies by continuously saving the lives of complete strangers.
See what a difference a few hours over a few different days makes? This worked and reworked logline will sell the content to a buyer in a way that the first version never could have done.
Now let’s explore the process using a nonfiction example.
VERSION 1
An egotistical lifetime beauty pageant winner suddenly learns the realities of life when a tragedy forces her to shift careers into law enforcement.
This isn’t the best starting logline I’ve ever created but, as I mentioned earlier, it’s really important just to get something down on paper, to get going on the process. I know I need to cross out “egotistical” because, at ten dollars per word, it doesn’t help me sell. Additionally, this woman’s story is true and rather unique—going from winning pageant crowns to fighting the good fight on the mean streets—so it’s clear to me that a lot is missing right now, because this logline makes her journey sound a bit ho-hum. Usually that comes from being too general, so that’s what I focused on for my first revision.
VERSION 2
A lifetime beauty pageant winner suddenly learns a life lesson when her son’s death forces her to shift careers into law enforcement.
I’m not sure why I thought “life lesson” was better than “realities of life,” because it’s just as general, but this was only my second pass at the logline, so I’ll try not to be too hard on myself. Changing the “tragedy” to “her son’s death” has helped quite a bit, however, because it’s infinitely more specific. Let’s look at the next iteration.
VERSION 3
A beauty pageant winner suddenly destroyed by her son’s death forces her to shift careers into law enforcement.
Notice I removed “lifetime,” because I didn’t think it was helping me sell the story: It made the character sound old. If you’ve spent a lifetime at something, you are probably getting up there in age. Additionally, that word made it seem like she’s only making the change into law at the end of her life, which wasn’t true. So “lifetime” definitely had to be cut. I also removed “learns a life lesson” because it was much too general, and I felt that the emphasis needed to be put on what caused her to make the big occupation change—her son’s death—hence the addition of “destroyed by.” Here’s the next one:
VERSION 4
A beauty pageant winner is destroyed by her son’s death, which forces her to pursue joining the SWAT team.
I changed “suddenly destroyed” to “is destroyed” in order to bring the sentence into present tense and make it sound more immediate. “Suddenly” works as well, but I try different things when crafting successive drafts, to see what feels right. I knew that I had to change “shift careers into law enforcement,” because it made it sound like she simply veered into another line of work. That’s truly what was making it sound boring. It also lacked specificity, which I finally acquired by introducing the SWAT team.
VERSION 5
A beauty queen is destroyed by her son’s death, which forces her to pursue joining the SWAT team.
“Beauty pageant winner” was too many words for a logline at ten dollars per word, so I switched it to “beauty queen.” But I knew I could make it even tighter before looking for what else could be amped up.
VERSION 6
A beauty queen, destroyed by her son’s death, instead pursues joining the SWAT team.
By tightening everything, I can really see what I have and what I don’t. It’s getting there, but I need to ratchet up the drama somehow. I first tried to give it some power by adding back in some of the motivation I’d taken out.
VERSION 7
In this true story … after her son is killed, a beauty queen joins the SWAT team to fight her own depression by making a difference.
I wanted to add that this is a nonfiction story because, as I discussed earlier in this book, it’s a good additional selling tool. Also, because it is such a big jump from beauty queen to SWAT team member, I wanted to make sure that the audience understood that the journey was absolutely true. I made “pursues joining” into “joins” instead, in order to make the sentence more active. But adding the motivation in hasn’t helped me much, and has made it too long again. So it’s back to cutting …
VERSION 8
In this true story … after her son is killed, a beauty queen joins the SWAT team to fight her own depression.
“Making a difference” is one of those dreadful generalities that just had to go, and I figured the idea of making a difference is already built into the idea of joining a SWAT team anyway. But still, the logline wasn’t giving me what I wanted. So I took a couple days’ break from revising before looking at it once again. Here’s my revision with some new perspective, provided by my time away:
VERSION 9
Destroyed by her son’s sudden death, this is the unvarnished true story of one woman’s passage from beauty queen to SWAT team.
Oh, what a difference a little bit of a break can make! I used some extreme perspective to emphasize the two far ends of the career scale, which gave it a strong impact. I also went back to my earlier bit about her son and did a little word-flipping as well. I pulled out all of my tricks on this one. I also liked the rhyme of “queen” and “team” when spoken out loud, because it helped accentuate this hook. But now, in revamping, I’d added in some unneeded vocabulary, and I wanted to see if changing any words would help with impact, so it was time to finesse.
VERSION 10
Destroyed by her son’s death, this is the true story of one woman’s journey from beauty queen to SWAT team.
This feels pretty good to me now, with those final few tweaks. And just to clarify: The stakes are built in by the fact that she is trying to get over her son’s death and that joining the SWAT team is obviously her way of doing so. Of course, the
re are not always ten versions for fiction and nonfiction loglines, and in fact there were quite a few more steps in both of these examples, but I wanted to simplify everything so you could easily follow along. Here are the versions for you without my commentary so you can see the process:
VERSION 1
An egotistical lifetime beauty pageant winner suddenly learns the realities of life when a tragedy forces her to shift careers into law enforcement.
VERSION 2
A lifetime beauty pageant winner suddenly learns a life lesson when her son’s death forces her to shift careers into law enforcement.
VERSION 3
A beauty pageant winner suddenly destroyed by her son’s death forces her to shift careers into law enforcement.
VERSION 4
A beauty pageant winner is destroyed by her son’s death, which forces her to pursue joining the SWAT team.
VERSION 5
A beauty queen is destroyed by her son’s death, which forces her to pursue joining the SWAT team.
VERSION 6
A beauty queen, destroyed by her son’s death, instead pursues joining the SWAT team.
VERSION 7
In this true story … after her son is killed, a beauty queen joins the SWAT team to fight her own depression by making a difference.
VERSION 8
In this true story … after her son is killed, a beauty queen joins the SWAT team to fight her own depression.
VERSION 9
Destroyed by her son’s sudden death, this is the unvarnished true story of one woman’s passage from beauty queen to SWAT team.
VERSION 10
Destroyed by her son’s death, this is the true story of one woman’s journey from beauty queen to SWAT team.
That’s quite a process, but absolutely worth it. Take a look again at the immense difference between the first version and the final version:
VERSION 1
An egotistical lifetime beauty pageant winner suddenly learns the realities of life when a tragedy forces her to shift careers into law enforcement.
VERSION 10
Destroyed by her son’s death, this is the true story of one woman’s journey from beauty queen to SWAT team.
The most amazing thing about all of this work on both the fiction and nonfiction loglines is that now that I have these two great sentences as selling tools, it will be much easier for me to market these two stories to the industry. These loglines came to life through the process of continuously asking myself the questions we’ve explored in this book: “What does the protagonist want?” “What makes this journey unique?” “What is at stake?” Only through this diligent course of ongoing thoughtful development will a top-notch logline eventually reveal itself.
Chapter 20
Expanding the Logline
AFTER YOU’VE DEVELOPED A WINNING LOGLINE, YOU’LL need to develop your writing further, extend your piece from that single sentence to a longer version. As awesome as a logline is, you will ultimately, of course, have to expand to a slightly lengthier format. No one is green-lighting anything on only a sentence. But true expansion should occur after you create your logline, because this one-sentence wonder can help you determine what’s missing from your labors before you take the time to write and write and write. And in addition, you now have the perfect guideline to help steer the process as you get down to brass tacks.
When I sell, I always start with a logline—that’s a given—but if the logline has done its job and managed to catch the executive’s attention, I immediately send over a longer document (one to five pages) to keep the interest flowing. So the initial grab is all about the logline, but then it’s about expanding that logline into a longer format to hopefully make the final sale. As an aside, one neat trick I like to employ when writing longer form material is to always end the write-ups at the end of the second act (in filmic three-act structure). That’s the moment when the character is at their lowest, when all seems lost and you have no idea how the person will get out of the mess they are in. I like to stop there because it’s a terrific cliff-hanger; it leaves the reader wanting more, which is always the reaction you are looking for. Think about it: If you tell the whole story to the very end, then the suspense you’ve built throughout the tale is now dissipated. Additionally, you’ve given away the reason for the reader to ask to read the entire work.
Knowing that you ultimately need a longer bit of writing, how can you accomplish that? Where do you start? Well, the good news is that you already have the most important elements in place. You know who your protagonist is, what that person wants, and what is at stake. You’ve also already focused on what’s most unique about your project. How great is it that the main anchors of a successful piece of content are already in place for you? Give a gold star to the logline. Now you need to know how to grow it into slightly longer-form material. To do so, think of your logline like a simple instruction manual, providing you with a step-by-step way to increase the length of your content. With that logline in place, you literally have all of the information you need to run with your idea yet stay on track.
The first piece of the puzzle is defining your protagonist. Well, you’ve already identified the main character for the logline, so now you need only to put together your list of adjectives that more fully describe him or her. Again, as you’ve learned from your logline creation, be specific. Don’t just write down that they are “funny.” Instead decide if they have a dry wit or black humor or a slapstick mentality. Alternatively, are they old school, where they think they’re humorous but actually aren’t? The more detailed you can be, the better defined your character will be, and the more your reader will be interested in that person’s journey.
Additionally, you’ll need to examine what main flaw the character has—something we call the lead’s Achilles’ heel. Is he or she too focused on work and not enough on family? Does he or she have a major gambling problem which affects his or her ability to create a stable marriage? What is the element that is that person’s greatest weakness? If you are defining your protagonist, this must be part of that process. Once you’ve made a long list of adjectives and figured out the Achilles’ heel, you’ve made a good start on sketching out a write-up on your main character.
Now let’s discuss how to further develop what that lead character wants. Let’s use an example from above. If his or her greatest weakness is being a workaholic, then what that person wants is to spend more meaningful time with their spouse and kids. Additionally, how they might achieve that goal becomes the journey the character is on throughout your work. See how easy it is to formulate your story once the logline is firmly in place?
Now you know how to expand your character description as well as further explore what the lead person is fighting against as well as what they want. All of these elements combined will help lengthen your final write-up, but let’s take it one step further. Let’s discuss how to further develop part three: what is at stake.
Using the previous example, what is at stake? Well, if the character doesn’t manage to find balance and spend more time with family, and less with his or her coworkers, it’s a pretty sure bet that that person will lose their family—so the stakes are easily defined and clear. What is at stake if they do not achieve their goal? They will be utterly alone. That’s a great basis for a more emotional, lengthier piece to turn on to an interested reader.
Let’s take the next example I gave, exploring a character with a gambling problem. The lead is a gambler but not just a simple once-in-a-while gambler. He or she is someone who can’t stop, who has a major gambling problem—that’s your protagonist. What the character wants is to find a way to stop gambling because it’s affecting his or her marriage. And what is at stake is if they don’t stop gambling? The character will lose his or her spouse to divorce. Thanks to your logline, here’s the roadmap for this character’s journey throughout the story. Now, as you can see, writing an outline or treatment for this material becomes much, much simpler.
It’s also key to note that, as with the logline, every experience this character endures along the way to his or her goal should be active and build with urgency to the end. Don’t let him or her be buffeted along from event to event; make sure that everything that happens is a result of that character actively pursuing their goal. With all of these elements in place, you can create a longer form of the material that practically writes itself, because it now has both focus and direction.
Let’s take a new logline example and expand it accordingly.
A fat girl invents a weight-loss pill, but when its side effect is stupidity, she must determine what’s most important before the pill’s changes become permanent.
Based on that logline and what we’ve discussed in this chapter, here’s how to expand. First, what are the built-in descriptive items? Well, the lead character is a rather overweight young woman, and she’s obviously very smart, because she’s invented a pill to help her drop those nasty pounds. These are two good places to start from when creating your much-lengthier adjective list. Other possibilities can then be added: Maybe she’s got a round, apple-cheeked face. You can also expand upon her education, and perhaps whether it kept her from having friends. Maybe she’s shy because of it. Whatever you choose, just keep building. And what is her Achilles’ heel? That she admits to an insatiable hunger and can’t stop eating. There’s a good jumping off point for her psychological state, because there must be a reason for why she’s like that, and hopefully one that’s good for another page or two of diligent writing.
Next, remember what you’ve learned from the logline generation: What she wants isn’t to lose weight. Losing weight is too general. Many characters have pursued that goal, so it feels rather tired. What she really wants is to find a way to choose between being fat and being stupid (a side effect of the pill she’s invented). That is much more interesting and unique, and a tough decision to boot. It’s certainly something that will keep a reader engaged. This is the defined quest your character is on throughout the creative content you are writing. Added to that, if she doesn’t choose properly, she’ll be either hugely chubby or a complete idiot forever, which adds the urgency—something a piece of writing always needs.
Sell Your Story in Single Sentence Page 11