by Caroline Lee
She stiffened in his arms. “Don’t say such a thing.”
“Why not? It’s true. He was a bad man, Meri.”
“I know, and that’s why I left. But you shouldn’t…” She relaxed against him once more. “You shouldn’t say something like that so flippantly. I know that you could never take another’s life; not after the way I’ve seen you work so hard to save one.”
The harsh bark of laughter her faith in him wrenched from his lips was entirely accidental. She had no idea. After two months living in this cabin with him, she still didn’t know him. He hadn’t let her know him.
Meri poked him in the side. “This isn’t a laughing matter. You are a caring, honorable man, devoted to helping others.” Then her voice quieted, like she got shy or something. “The exact kind of man I came west to marry.”
Thanking God that this conversation was taking place in the dark, he eased himself down to the blankets again, taking her with him. Not that it was such a good idea to have her lying beside him all snuggly, but because he needed a moment to think. He’d been dead asleep just a few minutes ago, and she probably was exhausted too. Sure enough, as soon as he stacked his arm behind his head and crossed his bare feet at the ankle, she curled up against his side, her head pillowed on his upper arm and her cheek pressed against his side.
He tried to ignore how right it felt.
“Meri…I’m not that man. I’m sorry I can’t be.” She didn’t say anything. “I never was. I…” He took a deep breath. How to convince her that he wasn’t honorable, wasn’t caring? How much could he tell her without losing her faith entirely?
But wait. He wanted to lose her faith. He wanted her to know why he was leaving, and wanted her to be okay with it. To not just understand, but agree that it was best if he walked out of her life. Unconsciously, his arm tightened around her. Yeah, he’d tell her about Witcher.
Swallowing, he opened his mouth, but no sound emerged. This was what he wanted, dammit. But purposefully ruining her faith in him was harder than he thought it’d be.
He tried again. “I’m not that man, Meri.”
“Who are you, then?” She sounded sleepy, and he knew that he had to get out his explanation before she passed out in his arms.
“I’m not Zelle’s father.”
“Yes, you are.”
“I’m not. I don’t know who is. I…I found her.” He closed his eyes on the memory of her shining in the grayness and filth of Lefty’s den.
“What do you mean?” A yawn that she couldn’t fight.
“She was in a man’s…possession in New York. I went there, after—” After I got out of prison. “I went to meet him. I saw her, I saw what he was doing to her, what he had planned for her, and I…I took her.” He’d waited in disgusted silence as Lefty had described selling her to the highest bidder, because she was royalty and “some gents’ll pay more,” and then when the man’s back was turned, Jack had bashed the corpulent man’s head in with a chair leg. He found himself telling Meri everything; how Lefty had laughed and kicked at the huddled little girl when she’d sniffled; how the blood had bloomed from the back of his head like some kind of macabre flower when Jack struck him; how Jack had held Zelle and watched Lefty’s life drain away, feeling sick and triumphant all at once.
“He had a sack of gold, he’d said was from…from his boss.” From their boss. “From her buyer. I took that, and her.” The little girl had clung to him, whimpering softly against his neck in her filthy white dress, and he’d known then that he would never let her go.
“I told her that she was safe, now, and that I wasn’t going to let anyone hurt her again. She never cried, not once, but it took her a long time to speak to me.”
“How old was she?” He honestly hadn’t been sure if she was awake.
“This was last year. So maybe two years? A year and a half? Lefty said she was royalty, although I don’t know how that could be. I called her ‘Princess’ as a joke, but she smiled the first time I said it, and…” And his heart had belonged to her from that moment on.
“Where’d you get the name ‘Zelle’?”
“That’s what she called herself, when she finally answered. I thought that maybe she was from someplace really foreign, because it was an odd name. But I didn’t have any way of finding her people, and besides…” Zelle was mine.
Meri didn’t respond for a long while, and he knew what that meant. She’d finally realized what he’d been trying to tell her; he wasn’t a good man. He’d done horrible things—he’d killed a man just to take Zelle—and now he had to leave. To protect them all.
She finally said, her voice so tiny he had to strain to hear it, “Do you love her?”
He knew what she was asking, and part of him wanted to lie, just to crush any last faith she had in him. But he couldn’t. His arm tightened around her. Do you love her? The problem was that he had two hers in his life, and he was falling too hard for one of them. “Yes.” He loved her, but didn’t let himself ponder on which her he meant.
But loving her didn’t matter. He had to leave, to keep them all safe. “There’s a man. He’s coming after me and her. I knew that we weren’t safe, no matter how far we went, not with the kind of money I took. The money we’ve been living off of.” He thought about the conversation in town today. “I figured we’d be safe for the winter, so I settled here until the snows melted, but he’s on his way.” She didn’t answer. “I found out that he’s coming here, soon, and I can’t let him have her, Meri. I’m going to take her up into Montana, up past the fur-traders and into Canadian territory. Find a little house deep in the mountains where no one knows us, and live.”
“Hide.”
He turned his chin towards her, even though he figured her eyes were closed, and knowing that no one could see a thing anyhow. “Yeah. I’ll hide. He’s a dangerous man, and he’ll have others.” Jack should know; he’d been one of those others years ago, before following one too many of Witcher’s orders had landed him in Sing Sing. “They’re ruthless, and the only thing I can do is hide her.” His throat began to close up. “I’m done killing, Meri.” He’d only told her about Lefty, not about what he’d done for Witcher as a kid. “I don’t want to do that again, and I don’t want Zelle to see that. I’d rather run and hide.”
She was quiet, and he breathed a little sigh of relief that she finally understood. She finally realized that her faith in him was misplaced, and that he wasn’t worthy of her admiration. He told himself that it didn’t matter if she considered him a coward for running, and it didn’t matter if she thought he was a terrible person for what he did to Lefty. He’d known that one day she’d see that in him, and was glad that he’d forced her to realize it before he’d gone and done something stupid.
Like falling in love with her.
This is why he’d kept a part of himself separate for the last two months; this was why he’d done his best to discourage her. She had to see him as he really was, not this honorable, caring doctor she thought she’d known. This realization was what he’d been expecting, and the reason he’d confessed it all to her tonight. This is what he wanted.
So how come her rejection felt so damn bad?
Meri stood with Zelle on her hip and encouraged the little girl to wave to her father as Jack walked towards town. He stopped once, on a little rise, and looked back. “Say ‘bye-bye Papa’.”
“Bye-bye Papa!”
She had to smile at the little girl’s enthusiasm, and even the heart-broken look on her father’s face as he lifted his hand once before heading out of sight. Because no matter what he told her last night, Jack was Zelle’s father. He might’ve only been her father for the last year, but that was enough. Zelle considered him her Papa, and so did Meri.
She kissed the little girl’s sweet head, and shooed her into the house to play with the rag dolls Meri had fashioned for her during the last two months. They left the door open, to let in the fresh spring breeze, and Meri got to work.
Jack�
�s middle-of-the-night confession hadn’t changed her mind about him, especially not after that kiss they’d shared. She was pleased that she’d gotten up the nerve to confront him, to make him tell her his secrets. He’d saved Zelle. How could he think that was anything other than noble? Sure, he’d had to do evil—kill a man—to save her, but it had worked; she wasn’t in the clutches of those bad men any longer, and had a stable, loving father who would move Heaven and Earth to keep her safe. Oh yes, Jack had saved the little girl, and was continuing to save her, by running away.
And Meri was going with them. While the little girl—her soon-to-be-daughter, if she had anything to say about it—played on the rug in front of the cold hearth, Meri bustled around, folding clothing and necessities. She knew that Jack had traveled out here with one of the wagon trains, and guessed that he was planning on going north with even less. But she planned to argue that if they were going into an area of the country with even fewer people than lived around here, they would need to bring all of their own supplies. So she was busy packing cooking utensils and pots, Zelle’s winter wear, and her medical supplies.
It wasn’t until she was carefully packing bandages between glass medicine bottles that she realized the problem with going where there weren’t many other people: fewer patients. And very few women and children for her to help. The white linen dangled from her hands while she thought about the ramifications. Was she willing to give up her dream of coming West to help others, if it meant being with Jack? If she stayed here in Everland, she’d have a full list of patients, and more every day, as her reputation grew. But if she stayed, she might never see him again. Might never see Zelle again.
The girl rolled over onto her back, making her dollies fly through the air with cute “wheeee!” noises, and Meri knew. Knew that she could never give up Zelle. Knew that she wasn’t going to give up Jack, either. She was going to fight for him, for them. For their future, together, all three of them.
And if that meant giving up her dream, or finding a new one, so be it. She nodded firmly, and got back to packing.
CHAPTER NINE
He’d gotten supplies yesterday, but today he had to arrange to buy a horse. And extra saddle bags. Now that he and Zelle had been settled for a few months, they had so much more stuff than they had when they’d come to Everland. In fact, as he mentally cataloged all of the things that he should probably take with them—especially if they were going north into an even greater wilderness—Jack considered just getting a small wagon. It wouldn’t be able to take them as far as a horse, but it’d be able to carry more.
There weren’t any to rent, but he eventually cut a deal with B.G. Foote, who ran what was becoming the local livery, to buy his smaller wagon. And Mr. Miller had told Jack that he could come pick out a horse as payment for safely delivering his latest daughter. Jack would have to take him up on that.
Zelle’s clothes, her winter wear, the new toys that Meri—no. He wasn’t going to think about Meri. Jack ran through the list of things in his head. At least one big pot and cooking utensils, no need to bring a pan because his biscuits weren’t nearly as good as M—no. A book of recipes, and Gunn’s Domestic Medicine, and if he had the space, his spare clothing as well. Now that he knew how to do a little sewing, thanks to Mer—
Meri. Meri had changed everything. Made his life better. Made him better.
Luckily, he was passing the mercantile when his knees gave out, and he sunk to the edge of the porch with a groan, his head in his hands. He couldn’t do it. He had to do it. She was a part of his life now, as much as Zelle was, but he had to leave her. For her sake. Besides, he’d confessed. He’d told her the awful truth about himself, and she didn’t want anything to do with him now. She didn’t want to get married to him, didn’t want to fight for him any longer.
It was for the best… But his chest still felt like a giant empty hole, and his muscles didn’t seem to want to work. He felt like he was losing part of himself, and the worst part was that he had to be pleased about it. He was getting what he wanted.
She’d be safer here, wouldn’t she?
Oh God, he was going to miss her.
Jack didn’t know how long he’d sat there, working up the guts to finish the arrangements to walk out of her life, when a shadow fell across him. He lifted his head out of his hands, and realized it was four shadows.
Four women, staring down at him. Four strangers; one tall and stately, one short and plump and jolly, one old and withered, and one that looked remarkably like the good-natured Sister Agnes from Mount Saint Vincent who used to feed him when he was a child. And every single one of them was smiling at him expectantly.
He didn’t like the way they loomed, so he forced his legs to cooperate, and pushed himself to his feet. None of the four took a step back, even though they were all uncomfortably close. Now that he stood taller than them, he realized that they weren’t all strangers. Although she was wearing a different bonnet, he recognized the oldest one, the one with only a few teeth.
“You’re Miss Gertie, aren’t you?”
Her smile grew. “Got it on the first guess, young man!” She nudged him with her elbow, and Jack almost fell backward, trying to avoid the sharp edge. “I guess doctors have to have good memories for people, eh?” Another attempted nudge, a cackling laugh, and he felt like he was missing the joke.
“Can I help you ladies? With something?” How had four strange ladies shown up in town? Wouldn’t he have heard about them, from Mr. Matthews at least? For that matter, how come none of the few other townspeople hurrying up and down Andersen Avenue seemed to notice the odd group?
“Oh, we’re just waiting, dearie.” This was from the jolly-looking one.
“Waiting for what?” He couldn’t help it if he snapped the question; he was getting irritated with their mysterious smiles.
“For you to quit feeling sorry for yourself, young man,” the sharp tone seemed to match the sharp nose and sour expression of the tallest woman, “and decide to do something practical about your situation.”
Jack narrowed his eyes, and crossed his arms in front of his chest, as if he could protect himself from their weird stares. What did they know about his situation?
“Oh, we know all about it, Jack.” Had he said that last thought out loud, or had the jolly one with the wide smile just guessed? And how did she know his name? “And we think it’s high time you stopped moping, and did something practical.”
“What do you know?” Why did his voice sound like he had something stuck in his throat?
The one who looked like Sister Agnes—sorta dim but good-natured—spoke up. “Well, we know all about Meri and Zelle, and Mr. Witcher who is ever-so-mad at all of you.”
The sound of his name made Jack’s heart stop for a moment. How would these four strange women know anything about Witcher, or his past? He felt his hands ball into fists as he slowly straightened, dropping his arms by his side. It was a stance he’d learned in Sing Sing, a way to let his opponent know he was ready to take and give whatever hits were needed. How would they know, unless they knew Witcher? Had the man branched out in his hiring practices in the years since Jack had seen him? Or were they just his agents, sent to report on Jack’s actions? He felt his pulse pounding in his temples as his mind leaped through the possibilities, looking for a way to escape.
“Oh, look what you’ve done, Mildred!” The tallest woman’s scorn barely registered in Jack’s desperate mind. “Calm down, Jack. We’re not here because of Witcher.”
“Well, sort of…” Jack couldn’t tell who said it, and he didn’t care. His wild gaze landed on the sharp-looking woman, willing her to say more in their defense.
She seemed to understand, and lifted her hands in a calming motion. “We’re the ones who set the newspaper advertisement, Jack. We’re the ones who brought Meri here to Everland, to marry you.”
He heard her words, but couldn’t make sense of them. His heart was pounding too loudly in his chest to understand. “The
advertisement?”
“In the paper, Jack. We also made sure that Meri saw it, because we knew that you two would be perfect together.”
What? “You’re…” He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. “You’re matchmakers?”
They exchanged amused glances, and the Sister Agnes one shrugged. “You could say that.”
Well, that was one mystery solved. One mystery that had been completely pushed aside by yesterday’s panic. How Meri got here just didn’t matter anymore. “What does this have to do with Witcher?” He wheeled on the youngest one. “You said you know all about Witcher. Where is he? Is he here? How many men did he bring?”
She pursed her lips in thought. “Ummm… Here, yes, and none.” She smiled brightly.
“What?”
The tall one rolled her eyes. “He didn’t bring any men with him, Jack. He’s not the all-powerful crime boss you remember from your childhood. While you were in prison, he lost a lot of his henchmen. He’s here alone.”
Nothing she said sunk in, until that last bit. ”He’s here?”
“Didn’t we just say that?” The jolly one leaned towards the tallest one. “Didn’t Mildred tell him that? Do you think he’s daft?”
“Just a poor listener!” The oldest one took a step back from Jack’s frantic attempts to see around them. He barely heard their words, he was so intent on looking for his old boss. The man who’d terrified him as a lad, and who haunted his dreams still.
“Where is he?” Didn’t they understand that none of them were safe, as long as Witcher was here in Everland? Even if the man didn’t have any of his goons with him, he was ruthless and cruel, and would kill anyone he thought would cause Jack pain, just to repay him for stealing the money.