She scoffs. “Of course not. I have no reason to sit on a couch and get my head examined.”
Her words and her ignorance are a blow to the gut. She’s my sister; she should be supportive. “It’s not only for that, Iris.”
“Whatever. Talking to a stranger isn’t going to fix anything.”
“Perhaps not for you!” I snap, frowning.
Why is she being so hostile? There’s no need to be…and she brought it up first. If she doesn’t think it helps, why bring it up at all? Other than to provoke me.
“Are you over her death?” Iris asks.
My eyebrows rise. Her cold, emotionless tone chills my blood.
Her.
Her death.
Mom’s death.
“Will I ever be?” I ask.
“That’s rhetorical, right?”
I stop in the middle of the field just before the smattering of trees. “What’s gotten into you?”
Her shoulders hunch. “Ivy, I’m sorry.” She sighs and shakes her head and her hair swishes side to side. “I’m not having a great day. I apologize for being grouchy.”
Huh?
I shift from one foot to the other. “Do you want to discuss it?”
Laughing, she replies, “Wow, you really are an advocate for talking it out, aren’t you?”
“Believe it or not, it does help. You just have to find someone you’re comfortable speaking to.”
Her eyebrows draw together.
She doesn’t have anyone anymore.
“That person can be me,” I rush out, making it very clear that I want her to be able to speak to me.
“I don’t mean to be rude here, but I don’t feel comfortable with you yet.”
“No, I get that.” Honestly I don’t feel comfortable with her either. I don’t trust her with my secrets. “We can work on it. I mean, we agreed to try and be proper sisters, right?”
We start walking again, her carefully in heels and me comfortably in Toms.
“I want to go out more,” she tells me.
“You could go to the library.”
Laughing, she looks up to the sky. “Not a chance. I don’t like sitting in silence.”
Unless it’s dark and first thing in the morning…
“Well, after school a lot of us hang around at Dex’s Diner. They have good fries and even better shakes.”
“That sounds like a lot of sugar.”
“Oh, it is. You definitely shouldn’t have too many. It’s good, though.”
We hit the edge of town and look down along the row of stores and restaurants. The town is super small, stores on the outside of the square, with a big patch of grass in the middle. It’s where the town throws all different kinds of events. Most of the residential areas are set in a square surrounding it.
It’s all very cute, but it wasn’t big enough for Mom or Iris.
“Can we go to the diner? Do you think your friends will be there?” she asks.
“We can go, yeah. I’ll text them, but we can go anyway.”
I turn left and we head down one side of the square as I message Ty. Dex’s is on the corner.
A few people from school are on the green in the middle, hanging out on the benches. It’s warm today, and it makes town so much nicer.
Ty’s reply comes through, letting me know that he’s at the diner with some of the team just as we walk up.
“They’re here,” I tell Iris, pushing the diner door open.
She fluffs her hair.
I raise my hand as they wave, no doubt talking about us. Iris knows some of my friends, but she never bothered coming into town when she stayed here, not unless we were going out for dinner, which was rare.
I kind of wish that I had taken her out more; then maybe she would already have some friends here. All the people we used to play with as young kids have moved away or Iris has lost contact with. She’s having to start from scratch.
“People are looking at us,” she says, standing taller.
“Small town and all that. Most people mean well.”
She shrugs. “It’s fine with me.”
Okay, then.
I recognize everyone in here. There are about twenty tables, and most are full of people from school. The diner is painted white and pale yellow on the inside and it always smells like fries.
“Ivy, hey,” Ty says, sliding out of a booth.
God, it is good to see him.
“Hey,” I say, wrapping my arms around him. This is normal. Being here with Ty, even if it won’t be for long or on our own, makes me breathe easier.
“How are you?” he asks, releasing me.
“Ugh, okay.” I turn to Iris. “Ty, Iris.”
“Hey,” he says, smiling at my twin.
She returns the smile, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Hi.”
He looks back at me. “Are you two joining us?”
“Probably not.”
“Ivy, it’s fine. If we wanted to sit alone, we could have stayed at the house.”
Oh, we definitely could not have stayed at the house.
“Great,” Ty says, taking my hand and pulling me over to the table he’s sharing with three guys from the football team.
I wish Sophie and Haley were here too.
The guys greet me and then look to my sister.
“Iris, this is Todd, Alec, and Leo. Guys, this is my sister.” I don’t need to tell her they’re on the football team; their clothes are doing that.
“You want anything?” Ty asks as we sit down.
“I’m good, thanks. Dad is ordering food. We just needed to get out for a while.”
“Iris?” Ty asks.
“No, thanks.” She looks around the table like she’s trying to figure out some super-complicated math equation, focusing on each person as she goes.
What is wrong with her this afternoon? She’s sweet one minute and sour the next.
Now she’s observing my friends. Why? Is she planning who to take under her wing? Plotting who will be good to own as minions? I don’t know.
10
“How did it go today?” Ty whispers when everyone else strikes up a conversation about football. Iris is laughing at Todd. He’s the joker of the group, the one to pull pranks in class and leave whoopee cushions on teachers’ chairs.
I’ve only told him about therapy and we haven’t had a chance to speak since I got home because, frankly, it was nice to have Dad to myself for a while, and I didn’t want to bail to call Ty.
“It was all right. I’m going back next week.”
“Did you lie on a sofa?”
He’s trying to lighten the mood and it’s working.
“Really, Ty?” I can’t fight the smile stretching on my face. “She gave me a blanket. Apparently, most of her clients like to be under it.”
He turns his nose up. “You used a communal blanket?”
“Not until she assured me that she has a clean one for every person.”
With an adorable smirk, he says, “It’s cute you believe that.”
“Don’t be gross.”
“I can’t wait until next week,” he says. “I’ve barely seen you.”
Smiling half-heartedly, I reply, “I’m looking forward to seeing more of you and getting back in the pool, but not going back to classes.”
Ty’s eyes flick up to Iris, who’s deep in conversation with Todd, Alec, and Leo about the best excuse for cutting class. He runs a hand through his messy chestnut hair. “Are you both coming on Monday?”
I shrug. “She wants to.”
“You cool with it, though?”
Ty is the only person who has asked if I’m okay with Iris coming to live with me and Dad. Obviously, I am, but it’s nice to have someone ask.
&nb
sp; “Kind of. I think she’s using school to ignore everything else that’s going on.”
“While you’re actively trying to work through it as fast as you can. You know neither way is the best way.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m doing fine, Ty.” He’s always telling me to slow down when I try to fast-track a solution. It’s not easy for me to sit back and wait. He’s right, though—I’ve come unstuck a few times when I’ve reacted too fast because I haven’t given myself enough time to think something through.
Therapy is clearly the way to go with this, though, so I don’t feel like it’s going to come back and bite me on the ass.
“I’m glad to hear that. Make sure you keep talking to me, too, okay?”
I bump his arm with mine. “You got it. Tell me about the game I missed this week.”
“We won.”
I take a sip of his chocolate milkshake. “Ah, very informative.”
“Ivy, are you getting something of your own to drink?” Iris asks. Her jaw is tight and her gaze just brushes above my forehead rather than my eyes.
We said no before, but…“I’m good, but you can if you want. We have time.”
She turns back to Todd, Alec, and Leo, who are hanging on her every word.
Ty chucks his arm over the back of the booth and drops his hand in my hair. “How has Iris been since she got back with you guys?” Ty asks as Iris heads to the counter to place an order. Leo follows her. Leo is probably Ty’s closest friend; he confides in him a lot more than he does with Alec and Todd.
“Honestly, it’s been like any other visit. I know it’s permanent, but it doesn’t feel like it. The house seems fragile, though. Like we’re all walking around scared to say too much. I hate living like that.”
“Yeah, you’re not good at keeping what you want to say inside.”
My mouth falls open. “What are you trying to say, Ty?”
Todd laughs as he brushes his hand through his shoulder-length chestnut hair. “Ivy, last month you told me my haircut made me look like an inmate.”
“Your orange T-shirt didn’t help.”
Ty chuckles beside me. “See, babe?”
“Whatever. It’s best to be honest.”
“There’s honest, then there’s you,” Todd replies with a smirk.
“Can we move on, please? I only have forty minutes, and I want to hear any new gossip.”
The guys fill me in on what I’ve missed, which, besides a few breakups, is nothing much. But it is so good to hear about something normal and, frankly, mundane. This is the stuff that I would usually talk about because I was lucky enough to have nothing bigger going on in my life.
I miss how easy and safe my life was, how small and insignificant my old problems were. A month ago, I was wondering if the head cheerleader, Ellie, would finally realize that Jake is also seeing a girl from another school.
She did, and now she’s dating Logan, another guy on the football team.
I used to care about stuff like that. It seems so crazy now.
I’d do anything to go back there.
My sister returns with a large glass of lemonade. She places it on the table, and I watch tiny bubbles rise to the surface and pop.
Iris smiles at Leo from across the table. She raises the glass to her lips and takes a delicate sip. “So, Leo, what position do you play?”
Ty nudges my arm, his eyes flitting between me and my sister. “All good?”
“Yeah. Being here again, it’s good. For sure.” Ty and his friends are my people. My world might have changed but they haven’t. The old Ivy can still exist here.
Iris and I stay until she finishes her lemonade; then we head back home.
We walk in silence across the field, through the trees, and across the final field before home. I look up to the sky and feel the late sun warming my face.
“I’m going to talk to Dad about school,” Iris says as our footsteps crunch on the rocky driveway. “Your friends are nice, and I want to be there.”
“Okay,” I reply. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken her out yet. Just because we had one positive hour with Ty and his friends doesn’t mean that school will go the same way if she’s not ready.
Iris walks ahead of me, her chin tipped up, ready for war.
It’s a tad dramatic. If she feels ready for school, Dad will be fine with it. She doesn’t need to try to convince him of anything.
He’s a lot more reasonable than she gives him credit for.
I follow her into the house.
“You girls have a good time?” Dad asks. He’s unloading the dishwasher.
“Yeah,” Iris replies for us both. “I have something to talk to you about.”
His eyebrows rise. “Oh?”
“I want to go to school on Monday with Ivy.”
He puts down the plates he’s holding. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“I’m sure. Can you call tomorrow and tell them, please?”
Dad looks at me like he’s asking for help. I shrug. No one but Iris can decide when she’s ready. I understand her need to jump into normality. I want things to be settled too.
“Iris, do you think you might need some more time? Perhaps you should see a therapist before you start.”
Her body visibly stiffens. I watch her fingers curl into her palms.
I bite my lip.
She narrows her eyes. “No, I don’t need that. I just want to go back to school.”
“Dad, maybe it’s best that Iris goes to school now. It beats hanging around the house, overthinking. Besides, I’ll be there.”
Iris turns to me and smiles. “Thanks, Ivy.” She faces him again. “See, Dad, we’ve got this figured out.”
I wouldn’t go that far. For the first time, I don’t feel like I have anything figured out. Even when Mom and Dad split up, I had it together. I had a plan and it really was for the best. Mom dying wasn’t best in any reality.
“Well, if you think you’ll be okay,” he says. It was never going to take him long to cave. He’s powerless when it comes to something Iris or I want. Though it seems he has a little more power with me.
“I’ll be fine. I promise. Like Ivy said, we’ll be together. It’s not like I’m doing any of this on my own.”
Then why do I feel like I’m doing this on my own? Iris won’t even say Mom’s name. She won’t talk about her old house, school, or friends. Dad, too, is refusing to accept that he needs to speak about Mom’s death and how it’s affecting him.
So who am I doing all this with?
At least I have Meera now. It was so nice to have someone listen. I don’t have to tread on eggshells around her, too afraid to mention my own mom. Meera welcomes it. She knows, as do I, that I have to speak about Mom. I have to keep her alive in my life somehow.
“Okay,” he tells her.
“Yay.” Iris claps her hands together. “Thanks, Dad.”
He smiles, but he looks worried.
This is new territory for all of us, but he is going to need to be the strict but fair dad to her as well. How much grace is he going to give her before he goes full-on dad? If he didn’t want me to start back at school yet, I wouldn’t be starting. There are some things he won’t compromise on, and if thinks he’s doing the best thing for me, that’s it; there is no changing his mind.
The doorbell rings.
“I’ll get it,” Iris says, grabbing the cash off the counter.
I turn to him. “You know it’s ultimately up to you when she starts back at school, right?”
Tilting his head, he says, “Don’t complicate things.”
“How am I doing that?”
Sighing, he says, “We need to have a level of understanding with her, Ivy. I can count on you for that, too, can’t I?”
“Yeah,” I reply w
ith a frown. “You can count on me.”
That didn’t really answer my question, but I don’t think he actually has an answer. By “level of understanding,” he means let her get her own way so we don’t upset her.
That sounds like a fantastic idea….
11
The weekends have a bad habit of flying by too fast. Thursday and Friday dragged, but then I blinked and it was Monday again.
My session with Meera on Friday was good, though. Exhausting and emotional to talk about Mom so much, but good. She asked about some of my favorite memories of Mom, and I found it so comforting to remember how much fun we had.
Meera still thinks that Iris doesn’t know how to have genuine friends, the ones who actually care about you and want the best for you. I still find it super sad.
Haley and Sophie are incredibly supportive, cheering me on and helping me train because they know how much I want a swimming scholarship to Stanford. They don’t want it for themselves, though they love to swim.
It’s a future to me but a hobby to them.
So now I’m determined to be that person to Iris, the one to back her no matter what, to celebrate her achievements even when I fail.
Dad, Iris, and I are on campus, standing outside my car as the morning sun prickles my face. I drove with Iris this morning and Dad took his car.
I take a deep breath and squeeze my clammy hands into fists. Once we climb the three steps, we’ll be in school. I’ve had two days off and it still doesn’t feel like enough, but I have to get back to normal. I want to move forward. My pulsing heart is trying to tell me otherwise.
Iris is doing much better than me. Much better than anyone would have predicted. I loved my mom and it’s hell without her, but I don’t know what I would do without Dad. He’s been the one constant in my life.
Iris is acting like being here is just one of her weeks with us—not a permanent move because our mom died unexpectedly.
There still have been no tears, and I’m awake a lot at night, so I would have heard her.
“Are you two ready?” Dad asks.
Iris gives him a bright, toothy smile that lights her face. “A little nervous, but I’m ready.”
She doesn’t look nervous.
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