by Barbara Lohr
“Mom? You still there?”
“Well, yes, dear. I was just going to say I’ve never heard her so happy. Your father and I are thrilled. I can’t wait to see her ring.”
“Me too.” Rings. Weddings. Love.
A chasm opened up inside.
Carolyn didn’t know if she could ever fill it.
Chapter 20
How much pain can a woman’s heart hold? Sitting in the gym at Jamie’s service, Carolyn studied his high school picture, posted at the front. She prayed that one of her students would never be recognized in a similar service one day. It was Saturday and the whole town had turned out.
In the front row, Sarah sat with her boys, so small and trying not to cry. On the other side of Justin and Nathan was her mother Lila and Jamie’s brother Ryan. Behind them sat the book group. Carolyn was sandwiched between Phoebe and Diana, who had Will on her other side. In back of them, Kate sat with Cole, hands folded on her bulging stomach. Her sister Mercedes clutched Finn’s hand. From there, the rows went on and on.
Tragedies like this made living in a small town so powerful. Everyone was there for Sarah and her family. The flag at the post office was at half-mast, and every storefront window held a Remember Jamie poster. In this town, people grew up together, held deep respect for their country and supported each other.
Kind of like the people in Santa Fe, from what Mama V had told her. At the slightest suggestion, Carolyn’s thoughts circled back to Brody like homing pigeons. Misery seeped through every pore of her body. How long would it take to get over him? She’d embraced mourning Jamie as a fierce release. In her heart, she realized she mourned another death. The end of a dream.
Sarah had been so lucky to have Jamie. Carolyn remembered seeing them at Clancy’s together, picking out groceries, doing that familiar shoulder bump and laughing together over what kind of potato salad to buy. They seemed totally in sync. Each time they welcomed a baby, Jamie passed out candy cigars. Sarah would always have those memories.
Carolyn wanted that. Yearned for that elusive perfect pairing that remained just beyond her reach. Or had she pushed it away? Was she keeping love at a distance for a ton of reasons, all of which began with her, not Brody? But why had he never mentioned Justine?
Jamie’s brother Ryan gave a eulogy, although the poor guy had a hard time. Then Glenn spoke, talking about the boy who’d led the football team to victory and went on to lead a unit in Afghanistan. He spoke of integrity, respect and gratitude for this supreme sacrifice. An honor guard accompanied the flag-draped casket out the door, family and friends walking behind. There wasn’t a dry eye in that gym.
Although she didn’t think the day could get any sadder, it did. A cemetery can do that to you. While the funeral director folded up the flag and handed it to Sarah, taps were played. Those pure brass notes rose and resonated with the crowd, their right hands over their hearts. The vets all saluted. Then everyone went to Sarah’s house. Carolyn didn’t stay long.
At home, she shed her dress for jeans, a hoodie and flip flops. As a last thought, she put on the silver earrings from Brody. They gave her a comforting sense of connection. How she wished he were here to hold her. The day had been devastating.
Then she walked down to the beach. Once she reached the sand, she kicked off the flip flops and left them in the dune grass. The lake was feisty tonight. Huge gray waves crashed against the shoreline. Perfect for her state of mind. Bending her head into the wind, she walked. The wind tore at her braid until finally her hair streamed out behind her. Pooled around her neck, the hood was no match for this onslaught. Still, she kept walking.
No gulls circled tonight. They were huddled in clusters in the sea glass. The cold gradually worked its way up her legs. It would be at least a month before this hard-packed sand grew warmer. Gauging the lapline, she made her way along that rippled edge, leaving foot prints in the wet sand. Sometimes she ran across a stretch of tiny rocks, small but they could hurt. She took the pain.
Carolyn walked the shoreline until her legs felt wobbly and her face was numb. Regrets plagued her. Had she done the right thing? Or had she made a snap decision and hustled back into her comfort zone. Coming to a halt, she stared out over the roiling water. A cold moon danced along the tops of the shifting waves. Finally, she turned and made her way home. Her earlier footprints had been washed away. Life could be just that fleeting. First you had something and then it was gone.
That Monday she’d planned a movie for her sixth period class, which was right after lunch. No way could she discuss The Great Gatsby today. The echo of the funeral stayed with her. While she ran the movie, some of the kids nodded off. Of course, that reminded her of Brody. Glancing back at the chair where he’d sat, she could almost see him slumped there, head on one arm. That boy never stayed awake during any movie, whether it was Grapes of Wrath, Jane Eyre or Hamlet.
But he wasn’t that boy anymore. Brody was that man. Fumbling, she slid open her drawer and reached for a tissue. Some of the kids closest to her noticed. One gave her a thumbs up. They probably thought she was crying for Jamie.
Brody had called several times. She let the calls go to voicemail. That night she weakened and listened to them, one by one. Talk about self-inflicted pain. When her mind tried to make sense of it, she couldn’t.
Was Justine the only woman Brody had failed to mention? What would her response have been if he did? She didn’t want name or phones numbers. They were probably all like Justine, young and attractive. Had he taken them to the museums? Had he shared his family history? Somehow she doubted it. That just didn’t ring true in her heart.
Her grandmother called more often now, excited about her engagement and trying not to make a big deal out of it. “Can you believe that your mother has accepted this engagement?” she asked one time. “I thought she’d be mad as heck.”
That did make Carolyn smile. “We’re all happy for you.”
“Oh, honey. You sound so sad. Is this about your friend’s husband? Or is it, well, more personal?” Okay, Mama V couldn’t even say Brody’s name.
“These aren’t my best days. I’ll admit that.”
Her grandmother blew out a breath. This was so unfair. Carolyn felt as if she had chicken pox and shouldn’t be infecting anyone else. “I’ll just be glad when school’s over this year. That’s all.”
“I hate the fact that you came to visit me and this happened.”
Carolyn sighed. “Forget it. You’re getting married, Mama V. This should be a happy time for you.” Reaching deep into an empty well, she tried to be her old carefree but responsible self, asking all the appropriate questions.
Mama V and Howard would be married in July. They didn’t want to wait. “Howard thinks waiting at this age can be dangerous,” her grandmother had laughed. Well, he might have a point.
The July date was a relief. Diana was getting married in June and Carolyn didn’t know how many weddings she could handle in one summer. Weddings led to babies. Kate was getting bigger every day, although she wasn’t due until early fall. Couples and families were popping up all around her. Talking to her grandmother, she’d stretched out on her sofa, sipping tea. Now the hibiscus tea turned tinny in her mouth. “Gotta go, Mama V. Say hello to Howard.”
“Honey, I sure will. And Carolyn? Could I ask you just one thing?”
“Of course. Shoot.” She swung her feet off the sofa and sat up. Was Mama V going to ask her to be her maid of honor? Carolyn had mixed feelings about that.
“Do you mind if Brody calls me? Is it okay if I talk to him?”
Just hearing his name choked her. “Why would you want to do that?” Her voice came out scratchy, like it was being dragged across cut glass.
“He misses you, sweetheart. Wants advice.” Her grandmother heaved a sigh that could have made sails billow out on Lake Michigan. “The truth is, I’ve been talking to him. I feel bad.”
“You feel bad for him.”
“And you of course. But he doesn’t under
stand this. Whatever this is.” Her voice trailed off.
Carolyn couldn’t explain. She let her head fall into one hand. “Mama V, you do what you want. But I have to go now. Prepare for tomorrow’s class and all that.”
“All right. But tomorrow is Saturday.”
She crossed her fingers. An old habit when she fudged on the truth a little. “Diana and I have plans tomorrow. I have to make potato salad.” What was she saying? Diana had gone away with Will for the weekend.
“All right then. Love you. Talk to you soon.”
Outside her kitchen window, a lilac bush bloomed. The scent wafted in through an open window. But the lilacs weren’t smelling sweet this year. Neither were the peonies or lilies of the valley. Nothing held the same charm for her anymore.
She spent the weekend trying to read the next book for book club. This was to be their first meeting after Jamie’s death. At Sarah’s bidding, they’d agreed to have a May meeting. Kate told them that Sarah had insisted. “She’s going to march right on. All of us being together might be comforting for her,” Kate had said. “She intends to march right on.”
Maybe Sarah would be an inspiration.
On Tuesday night, Carolyn arrived at Kate’s promptly at six thirty. She’d only read about five chapters of the book. There was only so much of the Civil War she could take. The heroine was jilted by a man early in the book. Carolyn hoped the woman won out but wasn’t counting on it.
“Don’t you look great?” Kate greeted her at the door of the A-frame that perched on the beach. A huge dog loped toward her.
“Priscilla, downstairs.” Kate caught her collar. “Natalie!” Prissy, Cole’s harlequin Great Dane, shot her a regretful look, her huge jowls trembling with excitement. Gee, Carolyn. I really wanted to catch up with you. She was just that kind of dog. Carolyn gave Prissy a good scratch behind the ears.
Natalie, Cole’s daughter, ran up the stairs. “Now Prissy, don’t you bother the ladies.”
Members of the book club were arranged on the chocolate brown sectional in Kate’s living room. Two rockers had been pulled over from the fireplace. Chili was missing but she was usually late. Book in hand, Sarah threw her a determined smile. The woman was amazing. A huge pitcher of sangria sat on the coffee table, along with a bowl of cucumber dip. Carolyn needed both, which was a surprise. She hadn’t been eating much.
“We’re starting the summer off early,” Kate said, bringing a tray of glasses from the kitchen. “Did everyone read the book?”
A sheepish silence settled over the group. “I tried,” Phoebe said. “But the salon’s been so busy.” She twirled a mauve curl around her finger.
“Me too” Diana chimed in. “But with the wedding planning and everything, I don’t have much time.”
They quietly put their books aside.
“How was your trip, Carolyn,” Sarah asked just as she was heaping some cucumber dip onto her paper plate.
“Oh, great. My grandmother’s getting married.”
Chili arrived in time to hear the announcement, and a wild whoop went up. For the next fifteen minutes, Carolyn fielded questions about her grandmother and Howard. When the wedding would be and where. “The Loretto Chapel?” Kate said with the awe it deserved. “I’ve heard it’s beautiful.”
Yes, the Loretto Chapel. Just shoot me. Mama V had no idea of the pain that brought. Memories flooded back. Brody stood next to her in the saffron sunlight falling through the stained glass windows, her hand tucked in his. Grabbing a ruffled chip she scooped up a spoonful of dip, too busy crunching to talk. At least, that’s what she wanted them to think.
“Diana tells me she sent you a bunch of clothes,” Phoebe said, eyes snapping. “Hot mama, huh?”
Carolyn nearly choked. The room fell silent. Diana bit her bottom lip. Not everyone had gotten the full story about Brody.
She took her time swallowing. “The clothes were great. Did you help pick those out, Phoebe?”
The hairdresser nodded. “So how did that go, Carolyn?” But Phoebe must have seen Diana shaking her head. When Carolyn tried to sip her sangria, she spilled it down the front of her white turtleneck.
“Oh, now.” Leave it to Sarah to be the first to reach for her and give her hand a squeeze. “You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to.”
But if she couldn’t tell this group, then who could she tell?
Bolstered by an encouraging nod from Diana, she said, “I ran into a former student in the airport.”
She had their attention now.
“Is he single?”
“Did you always like him?’
“What does he look like?”
Questions bombarded her. Standing on the lip of her story, she felt the vertigo return. This time there was no Brody to calm her. No strong arms to anchor her.
But hadn’t she handled it all alone before?
Carolyn took a deep breath. “That first year I taught at Gull Harbor, Brody was a senior taking my lit class. He was a royal pain. Probably one of those late bloomers. And boy, had he bloomed.”
Chuckles circled the group. Looks were exchanged. All eating stopped.
“He’d been the class clown. In fact, I flunked him first semester. Couldn’t even pass a quiz. Never came prepared.”
But here words failed her because now Carolyn knew the reason why he’d done so miserably in school. “As it turned out, he had family problems.”
The group clucked in sympathy. “He’s a lot younger than me of course. At first I couldn’t take him seriously.”
Hah, that was a laugh. He had her at banana cream pie.
They all seemed to be doing the math in their heads.
“Chica? Porque no?” Chili held up four fingers. “Four years, no? That’s nothing.”
The others seemed to agree. There was a general nodding of heads, the whole group leaning forward so they wouldn’t miss a word.
“So what’s he like now?” Phoebe wiggled her eyebrows.
His Hotness, His Hotness, His Hotness. The words spun through her mind.
“Well, he’s changed. Matured. And he lives in Santa Fe now.” But she didn’t go into his Native American background. That topic was so complex.
“But you, ah, hit it off? I mean, when you were nursing your grandmother?” Phoebe had no shame.
Carolyn took a sip of sangria. “That’s the joke. My grandmother’s fine. She didn’t need my help at all. She’d been having a hot time with a man she met in rehab, for heaven’s sake. Howard’s now her fiancé.” She played to the crowd. That set off a volley of cheers that brought Prissy upstairs again, afraid she’d missed something. Close on her heels, Natalie corralled the big dog. “Prissy, the ladies are making a lot of noise, but Dad says to just ignore them.” Then the two of them were gone. Curiosity rippled in the air while the women drank, nibbled and feasted on a story more interesting than cucumber dip.
Phoebe waved a finger. “I think you are holding something back.”
No wonder all the women flocked to her hair salon. Phoebe had a way of ferreting stuff out. Therapy mixed with a shampoo and set. Carolyn’s defenses began to crumble like the potato chip mashed in her fingers. This group knew her too well. “This isn’t for all Gull Harbor to know,” she said, with a pointed look in Phoebe’s direction. “But yes, we went out. He showed me the town and we, ah, spent time together.”
The situation must have shown on her face. But looking around she didn’t see pity, just concern. After all, these were the women who backed each other no matter what. “Girlfriend, I think you fell in love.” Phoebe stretched out the last word seductively, until it sounded like luv.
“Yes,” she whispered. “I guess I did.”
Kate had strategically placed a box of tissues on a side table, although they certainly hadn’t been intended for Carolyn. Reaching over, Sarah snapped off two sheets and handed them to her. The gesture itself unleashed a bucket of tears. There was no laughter now. “But he, he wasn’t telling me the truth.”
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br /> Lips pursed and fists clenched. These were fighting women. “What lies did he tell you,” Diana said, with a wary glance. After all, a lie had led her to Gull Harbor.
The confusion of the past weeks tumbled in Carolyn’s mind. Desperate, she grasped at threads to weave them into the deception she’d experienced at El Farol. “It was what he didn’t say that hurt.”
A collective intake of breath sucked the air from the room. Outside dark clouds scudded over a moonless sky and thunder rumbled in the distance. “What didn’t he say?” Sarah asked, in the softest voice ever. Of course, hers was a voice that would forgive a man anything.
“There was a woman.” Heads began to nod. “That final night we went to a bar that meant something to us. They had flamenco. At least, it was special to me.” She was setting the scene, and her book group hung on every word. Chili’s fingers moved as if attached to a pair of castanets.
“And what happened that final night?” Kate leaned forward. Her first husband had been unfaithful. She knew. She’d realize. Carolyn’s eyes clung to Kate’s. “A woman approached us. She was young and so beautiful, you guys. Long dark hair. Body to die for. I could just tell they’d been together. And she confirmed it. Came right up to us.”
“Bitch. What did he say? Brody?” Diana’s eyes had narrowed. These girls were on her side.
“He said hello. Of course later he insisted that was all in the past.” His phone messages had been emphatic. “How can a woman like that be really over?”
“Maybe it was,” Diana interrupted. “Every single man dates, Carolyn.”
“Of course they do. Unless they are a padre.” Chili jumped right in.
The tide had turned. Carolyn struggled for words. Didn’t intuition count for anything?
As if sensing her confusion, Diana changed the topic and started to talk about the wedding dress she’d found at Second Hand Rose. Relieved, Carolyn sank back. Wedding dresses. How would she make it through this summer?