She was wiping her hands with the white cloth napkin when Uncle Bob interrupted Marti’s chitchat to become philosophical with Christy.
“There are many things in this life to experience, Christy. It’s okay to experience anything you want as long as you know when to pull back. Do you know what I’m saying?”
“I’m not sure.” Actually, she was completely lost.
“It’s like the cable car ride,” Uncle Bob explained. “You were having a great time riding on the outside, hanging on and feeling the full force of the wind and the momentum of the cable car. But then you pulled yourself in, just in time, when we slid past the other car. And you were safe.”
“What are you trying to tell me?” Christy popped the last bit of crab into her mouth.
“Just what I’ve told you before. Be true to yourself. Do what you want to do. Be your own person. Make the most of your life because it’s your life. That’s what I’m trying to say.”
For once Aunt Marti remained silent as Christy bluntly replied, “But Uncle Bob, Shawn did what he wanted to do. He was his own person. And now he’s dead.”
It was silent for a moment, and then Bob answered. “That’s exactly what I meant about the cable car.” He leaned across the table to make his point. “You just have to pull yourself in at the right time, and you won’t get hurt.”
“I don’t know,” Christy countered. “I’m not sure I want to live on the edge like that. I mean, what about God? Where does He fit in? Does He just let me go my own merry way, and if I don’t happen to ‘pull myself in’ in time, then splat, splat, that’s that, too bad, Christy?” She sat back in her seat.
Aunt Marti seemed embarrassed that they were discussing these things in a restaurant and tried to wrap up the conversation in her own compact way. “Of course not, dear. God is love. Everybody knows that. God helps those who help themselves. All you need to do is try to be a good person, just like Bob and I have always done.”
“Yes, but Aunt Marti, are you sure that’s all there is to it? For instance, how do you know for sure that you’re going to heaven when you die?”
Aunt Marti bristled. “I don’t think this is either the time or the place to get into a theological discussion, Christina.” Then, turning to Bob, she added, “Pay the bill, will you, darling? I’m going to the ladies room.”
It felt as if an icy wind had blown across the room as Marti left the table. Christy sensed the haze of the previous days closing in around her. She might be young, naive, and inexperienced, but she wasn’t stupid. Why couldn’t she figure this out?
Never before had she struggled with so many questions. Her aunt’s and uncle’s answers failed to satisfy her. She was determined to get a tighter grasp on what life was all about. And she would do it before she went back to Wisconsin.
“Hurry, Uncle Bob! The phone is ringing!” Christy stood by the locked front door of the beach house with her arms full while her uncle lifted suitcases from the Mercedes’ trunk. Aunt Marti was still in the car, checking her hair in the mirror. “Hurry, hurry!” Christy cried.
But, of course, by the time he dashed over and stuck the key in the door the phone had stopped.
“I’ll check the answering machine,” Christy offered as Bob returned to unload the car.
She listened carefully to the messages of the past three days and saved all of them. None of the calls were from Todd. With slow, dragging steps, Christy trudged upstairs to her room. Why didn’t he call? Was it because he knew she was out of town?
Bob pushed the door open with her suitcase. “Oh, sorry! I didn’t realize you were in here.”
“That’s okay. Could you lift it up on the bed for me?”
The first thing Christy took out was the bag with the sweatshirt in it. As she held Todd’s up, a flood of second thoughts engulfed her. Would he think it was dumb? Should she really give it to him? Maybe it would be all right if she waited for the right moment—like when he came over to see her, or when he came to pick her up for their next date, or …
“Mail call!” Uncle Bob hollered just outside Christy’s door.
Her heart jumped with farfetched hope. What if Todd had sent her a card? One of those cute, sweet, but not-too-mushy ones. She grabbed the four envelopes and quickly scanned the return addresses. One from her mom, one from Paula—no, two from Paula—and one from her little brother. Oh, well. So much for dreams.
“Don’t get too excited now,” Uncle Bob teased, watching disappointment overtake her.
Christy blushed, surprised that her thoughts showed so transparently on her face. She opened one of the letters from Paula first, and a ten-dollar bill floated to the floor.
“Money, money, money!” Uncle Bob sang out. “Boy, sure wish I got mail like that! What kind of sweepstakes did you win?”
Christy scanned the letter. “It’s from Paula. See, we had this contest, and I kind of won. Sort of.”
“I see.” He raised his eyebrow speculatively.
“Well, I did win, really, but I guess I just don’t feel like I thought I would. Oh, never mind.”
“So, here you two are.” Aunt Marti joined them.
“Hey, listen to this.” Christy read the letter from her eight-year-old brother, David.
Dear Christy,
I miss you. I hope you are having a nice time at Uncle Bob and Aunt Martha’s house. I hope you have fun when you go to Disneyland. Don’t forget to buy something for me at Disneyland. I want a hat. Have fun.
Love,
David Miller
“Isn’t that cute? ‘David Miller.’ Like I don’t know his last name. Too bad he’s not that cute in real life.” Christy stuffed the letter back into the envelope. “When are we going to Disneyland, anyway? Sure would be fun to go on my birthday, which is only a few weeks away, hint, hint!”
Aunt Marti looked to Bob for an answer. He didn’t say anything, so she spoke up. “I’m not exactly a Disneyland kind of person. That’s more in your uncle’s line of activities. You’ll take her for her birthday, won’t you, dear?”
Uncle Bob smiled one of his sly grins. “I don’t think I’m exactly the guy Christy wants to go to Disneyland with, if she had her choice.”
Uncle Bob winked, Christy blushed, and Aunt Marti suddenly caught on.
“Oh! I imagine you’d like to have Todd take you on your birthday! Wouldn’t that be marvelous? Well, you just never can tell what might happen between now and July 27th. Think positively, Christy! Your dreams can come true.” Aunt Marti swished out of the room, leaving the fragrance of her perfume behind her.
Christy read her other two letters. Things at home hadn’t changed much. Paula sounded the same. Her mother sounded the same. How could they stay the same when so much had changed for her? She lifted her new blue dress from the suitcase and held it up, studying her reflection in the mirror. She hardly seemed like the same girl who had cried over her image in this mirror a few weeks ago.
Her short hair now fell into its own natural wave, and although it wasn’t as stunning as when Maurice had fixed it, it still looked pretty on her. At that very moment she didn’t regret having it cut. Her sunburned shoulders had peeled, but her face had stayed tanned and freckled, giving her a sporty appearance. She liked how she looked. And now she had this gorgeous little blue dress that Uncle Bob said made her eyes light up like “two limpid pools,” whatever that meant.
Marti was the one who had an eye for clothes. She had picked this outfit, complete with new shoes, with special care at the Macy’s across from their hotel. At Ghirardelli Square they found silver earrings that were dangly and daring. It was the kind of outfit that should be worn someplace special. Like maybe on a date? With Todd? All she could do was hope.
Christy was anxious to get down to the beach the next day. Anxious to see if Todd would be there, anxious to see if he would ask her out. She was so anxious that she was out on the beach before anyone else that morning—that is, almost anyone else. One person sat in a beach chair near the shore:
Alissa.
All kinds of mixed feelings swarmed over Christy. Alissa hadn’t gone to Shawn’s funeral. She might not even know. Christy considered turning around and running in the other direction, but Alissa had already seen her and was waving for her to come over.
“The weather is perfect today!” Alissa greeted Christy, acting genuinely glad to see her.
“Hi,” Christy responded. “How was your date at the party last week?” What she really wanted to say was, “Why did you leave me, you traitor? Why are you so perfect and so horrible at the same time?”
“Wonderful!” Alissa bubbled. “His name is Erik, and he drives a Porsche, and we’ve been together every day since the party. This is the first time I’ve been down to the beach in almost a week.”
“Alissa,” Christy said cautiously. “Did you hear about Shawn?”
“Hear what?”
Christy gulped. “He went bodysurfing off the jetty the night of the party. Well, during the party, actually, but after you left with Erik.”
“So?”
“So, I don’t know how to tell you, but he crashed into the jetty, and they took him to the hospital.”
“Probably serves him right,” Alissa said, pouring coconut-scented suntan oil on her long legs.
“Alissa, he didn’t make it. He died.”
Alissa’s jaw twitched slightly. Christy couldn’t read her expression under her sunglasses.
“Shawn’s dead,” Christy said in barely a whisper.
“That’s too bad,” Alissa remarked, looking out at the ocean. “Did I tell you that Erik has a Porsche? It’s black with black interior.”
Christy couldn’t believe her ears. “Alissa! I just told you Shawn died, and all you can talk about is a dumb car? Didn’t you hear what I said?”
“Yes, I heard you.”
“Aren’t you shocked or anything?”
“Listen.” Alissa flipped off her sunglasses. Her eyes bore into Christy’s. “Maybe you’re too young to know what life is all about, so let me tell you. Life is hard, little girl, and the sooner you figure that out, the better off you’ll be.”
Christy pulled back as Alissa continued her venomous speech. “Shawn died, okay? He’s dead. People die, you know. They leave you, and you can’t get all depressed about it. They’re gone. There’s nothing you can do to change that. You’ve got your life to live, so do what you want and let everybody else burn. If you want any happiness, you have to make your own, because when it’s over, it’s over.”
“But—” Christy began.
“But nothing, girl!” Alissa interrupted. Her face burned fiery red, but her eyes remained like ice. “You’re on your own. Nobody is out there waiting to answer your prayers or make your dreams come true!”
Christy released her breath and tried to think of something to say, but nothing came to her.
Alissa lay down on her towel with her eyes closed and her face toward the sun, dismissing Christy now that her speech was over.
Christy wasn’t sure what to do. Inwardly she churned with anger. How could anyone be so cruel and coldhearted? The more she thought about it the more she wanted to yell back at Alissa and tell her she was wrong. There was more to life than living it up and then dying! But that’s as far as she could get in her mental argument. She couldn’t refute any of the things Alissa said by offering a better solution.
Completely exasperated, Christy jumped up and headed for the water. She went in only ankle deep, sloshing along the shoreline. After the water had cooled off her feet and time had cooled off her anger, she headed back to her towel. She had decided to face Alissa calmly, saying whatever came to her.
To her relief, Alissa was gone. Christy stretched out on her towel, letting the sun comfort her with its soothing rays. About half an hour later someone came up beside her.
“Hey! How’s it goin’?” It was Todd.
“Hi!” Christy quickly sat up. Seeing Todd left her at a loss for words. “Hi!” she said again.
“Do you want to go to a concert tonight?” Todd sure had a way of getting to the point.
“A concert?” Christy’s heart raced. “Sure!”
“How was your trip?”
Christy tried to calm down and sound a bit more mature. “We had a really good time.”
Todd smiled his wonderful, wide smile. “Come on. Let’s go in the water.”
For the next few hours, Christy felt more alive than she ever had before. The water sparkled like a field of diamonds in the midday sun, and the waves came at them gently and calmly.
At one point, when a bigger than usual wave surged above them, Todd grabbed her hand and yelled, “Dive under!” His touch seemed so strong, yet tender in a way that warmed Christy even in the cool water. He held on until they came up on the other side of the wave, and then he was the one who let go. Christy wanted to feel that surge of excitement from his touch again, and her mind played with how wonderful it would be to hold hands with him that night at the concert.
“I’m ready to go in,” he said after some time. “How about you?”
“Sure. I’m ready for something to eat too.”
“I brought some pretzels,” Todd offered back on the beach as they dried off.
“Good!” responded Christy. “All I’ve got is some sparkling mineral water my aunt stuck in my bag. But at least she gave me two bottles!”
As they munched pretzels, Christy told Todd all about her trip to San Francisco: about riding the cable cars, tossing quarters into the guitar cases of street musicians, eating the best chocolate in the world at Ghirardelli Square, stuffing herself with crab at Alioto’s. She even told him about the heated conversation about God that she had had with her aunt and uncle.
Todd listened attentively and then asked, “What did they say when you challenged them on their ideas about God?”
“The whole subject was dropped,” Christy told him. “That’s how it is with my aunt and uncle. They act like they have all the answers, but when I try to get something specific out of them, they change the subject.”
“Yeah, my parents do the same thing.”
Two small boys chasing each other to the water ran across Todd’s towel, kicking sand into the bag of pretzels.
“Oh, well!” Todd grabbed the bag and peered inside. “Now we won’t be able to tell if we’re eating salt or sand on the pretzels.” Todd tried to laugh at his own joke, but Christy thought his laugh seemed forced.
“Todd, how have you been doing since … since, you know, the funeral?”
“I haven’t slept much. I keep thinking about that night over and over again, trying to figure out what I could have done to stop him.”
“That must be awful for you.”
“It is.”
Christy looked around. The beach was full of people today, but she didn’t see any of the other surfers.
“Todd?” Christy’s voice was low, her tone direct. “I feel as though I have a lot of unanswered questions since Shawn died, and I think you’re about the only one who might understand what I’m trying to figure out. Can I ask you some questions?”
“Sure.”
“Okay,” she began. “First, how do you know you’re going to heaven when you die?”
“Because I accepted Christ last summer.”
“But what does that mean—‘accept Christ’? I mean, I accept Him—I accept that He’s God’s Son and all that. I’ve never rejected Him or anything.”
Todd looked out at the ocean. He seemed to be thinking hard. “It’s so simple that it’s hard to explain,” he finally said. “People have a free choice to either live life their own way or live it God’s way.”
“But what is God’s way?” Christy practically shouted. “My uncle keeps telling me to be true to myself, and Alissa was telling me that I’ve got to make my own way, and all my aunt does is avoid reality and try to think positively. I’m so mixed up!”
“I can see how you would be.”
“At home it was easy. We all wen
t to the same church, and everyone believed in God. Now you’re telling me I have to live my life God’s way if I want to go to heaven. What is God’s way?”
Christy took her eyes off Todd and looked out at the ocean. She didn’t like it when she came across so dumb.
“It’s like this,” Todd explained. “You’re looking out at the Pacific Ocean, right? Somewhere out there is Hawaii. Imagine that Hawaii is heaven. You’d never make it there swimming all by yourself. You need a boat. Jesus is like that boat. Do you follow me?”
“Sort of.”
“Well, it’s up to us to make the choice. We can reject a free ride on the boat to Hawaii, or we can sit here and say, ‘Yes, I believe in that boat, and I believe in Hawaii.’ But unless we actually get on the boat, we’re never going to make it to Hawaii.” Todd seemed pretty pleased with his illustration, but Christy was only slightly less confused.
“I believe all that,” Christy agreed. There seemed to be something deeper to what he was saying, but she just didn’t get it.
“Yes,” Todd challenged, “but have you turned your life over to Jesus? Or are you sitting on the shore saying, ‘I believe in the boat, and I believe in Hawaii,’ but you haven’t actually gotten into the boat yet?”
Todd had touched an area she wasn’t quite ready to wrestle with. She pictured herself getting into a boat headed for Hawaii. It seemed risky—giving up the safety of being on shore, riding a boat through the wild waves.
“Oh, well.” She smiled at Todd. “That gives me something to think about. I’ll let it settle in for a while. I need to get back to the house pretty soon.”
“I’ll pick you up for the concert at about six-thirty?” Todd asked.
“Okay. I’ll see you then!” Christy grabbed her stuff and headed for the house.
Life was really looking up. This was too good to be true! Christy thought about how she had accomplished so much by taking her aunt’s advice. She really was becoming her own person.
“Aunt Marti!” she called, throwing open the screen door. “Uncle Bob!” She found them in the living room looking at a book of wallpaper samples.
Christy Miller Collection, Vol 1 Page 8