by Asrai Devin
Next he pulled out several photo booth streams of them, laughing and kissing. He looked at each and set them on top of Mandy's poem.
He'd kept little mementos; stubs from movies and a concert they attended. Silly notes and a child's Valentines card she'd given him. He pressed the card to his face, wishing it held her scent. But he could not capture that part of her, because she didn't wear any specific perfume. He pressed it gently against his lips.
First, he removed the letter she sent after she'd broken it off with him. He didn't need to look at it, he had the contents memorized. He could probably reproduce every loop she'd made on that paper from his memory.
He touched it with his fingertips, dwelling on the memories locked in the paper. Before he let himself recall her words, he put everything back in the box as carefully as it had come out.
He set the lid back on and pushed the box back into his bag. He vowed to throw the box out in the morning. The same promise he made every time he felt pathetic after looking at those old things. At the very least, he needed to stop packing them in his carry-on luggage. It was getting old. Maybe he'd give the box to Mandy, if she agreed to meet him for supper sometime.
He pulled back the hotel sheets and climbed between them, reaching for the remote. He had no need to dwell on false hopes any longer, for instance the hope of a second chance romance with Mandy Green.
* * * *
Mandy woke from a dream. She had an ache between her legs that she hadn't felt in sometime. She looked at the clock it was five o'clock, which normally would have been fine, but it was Saturday. She didn't want to wake at five on Saturday morning from an erotic dream. It wasn't the first she'd had since Kip had contacted her.
It was always the same thing too. They were in his room, like their first time together. Except it wasn't sixteen-year-old Kip and Mandy together, it was the Kip she'd seen on television and in newspapers. And it was her as she was. She hadn't gained much weight since college, but she had changed shape. She called herself pleasantly plump.
The ache in her cleft was intensifying as dream images flew through her mind. In the dark room, she rolled over and opened her side table drawer. Digging under the items she kept in there, her hand wrapped around the semisolid item she was looking for. Flicking the switch, her substitute man hummed to life. The vibration filled the quiet house. It wasn't as good as the real thing. But the real thing was a distant memory these days, so it was better than nothing.
She pressed the vibrating toy against her soft mound. She laid back in her bed and closed her eyes, evoking the images of her dream again. She'd justify it later as too early to devise an original fantasy. Then she'd consider dating again.
She ended her train of thought. Fantasy sex was the issue. Getting off was the goal, sating the ache in her pussy, at least for the rest of the day.
The past aside, she examined the dream. He would kiss her, his goatee scratching her face, scratching between her thighs. Until he had her squirming and crying out, as he had every time they made love. She always felt desired when she was with him, as if she were the sexiest woman in the world. When he was ready, usually after she had screamed with an orgasm at least once, he would enter her. He would move within her, with her, in slow silken thrusts, making it last as long as possible, until she thought she might pass out from the pleasure. Then he'd take them off the edge together.
When she found herself shaking with orgasm, she sighed with relief. She flicked off the switch and buried it back in the drawer. That was over now. It was sad that sex had become an annoying feeling in her body, something she had to take care of.
She reexamined the idea of dating. She had dated over the years. Even in the last six months. Only few of them lasted longer than three dates and she wasn't about to jump into bed with some guy on a whim. She didn't need sex that badly. She needed a father for Colton, a partner in the house and someone to share everything about life with. Sex wasn't as important as finding those things. And few men wanted something deeper than sex, and those who wanted more didn't feel right somehow.
They weren't Kip.
Throwing back the covers, Mandy swung out of bed. She obviously wouldn't fall back asleep now.
She was thinking about dating again. She had masturbated alone to a fantasy of her high school boyfriend. Her life was on a downward slide. She needed to call Sophia. She needed a kick in the ass in the right direction. The only one who would give her that was Sophia, her best friend since the first day of college when she got lost. Sophia was two years older than her and become the older sister Mandy never had.
Although, Sophia loved her to death, she probably wouldn't appreciate a pre-9 AM phone call. Sophia's youngest were finally sleeping through the night. That left, oh four hours to kill before she could get her kick in the ass. Mandy could find all sorts of trouble before then. Such as giving Kip her phone number, telling him she lived a short drive from him. Not that those things weren't inevitable. She was entirely screwed when it came to Kip Turner.
Okay, staying away from the computer. Colton would wake in a two hours, which cut her time to find distraction in half. She had a briefcase full of papers to grade. She made herself a cup of tea and spread them on the dining room table. Colton made his appearance at seven, like clockwork. He stopped at the pantry and grabbed a granola bar. Without even so much as saying hello to Mandy, still marking tests at the kitchen table, he headed for the computer to play his favorite video game. "Good morning to you too," Mandy said.
He threw up a hand in greeting. "If you are like this as a kid, how will I deal with you as a teenager?" she asked, good-naturedly.
He flashed her a smile but didn't stop or speak. Mandy shook her head. Two hours down, two left and she could still start on laundry.
At 8:21, her phone rang. No one called this early. None of her family would be up this early, none of her friends called her on a Saturday morning. Had Kip found her phone number somehow? Panic came in the milliseconds it took for call display to register.
She looked at the call display. It was Sophia. "Hi," Mandy chirped into the phone, "I was going to call you in about forty-nine minutes."
"Beat you to it. What were you calling for?"
"I needed an ass kicking."
"Don't swear," Colton said, turning from his game to look at her. Mandy stuck her tongue out at him.
"What for this time?" Sophia asked.
"Taking this into the bedroom," Mandy told her son. She closed her door and sat on her bed. "Are you on Facebook yet?"
"No. As if I have time for that. Meg is barely sleeping through the night."
"Don't join. It only lets people you shouldn't face every again contact you."
"Eric?"
"Kip."
"Kip Turner, the Tiger?" It was a reference to his nickname, Tiger Goalie, because of his catlike eyes. The name had been around since high school. It was something Kip tried to squelch for years. Somewhere a sportscaster had heard it and it carried on to the present.
"Yes, the NHL goalie." Mandy rolled her eyes, Sophia's husband was a big Vancouver Canucks fan, and their eldest son began his first hockey season this fall. "He's in effing Calgary, Soph."
"So don't tell him where you are. Problem solved."
"Should I lie to him?"
"Just don't talk to him."
"Too late. We've messaged a few times now. He asked where I was and what I'm doing and all that stuff. And I answered that I'm a single mom, and a teacher. That's it."
"What did he say to that then?"
"He was all casual about it, teasing me about being vague. I can't put him off forever. Besides," Mandy cringed, but forced herself to confess, "I think I still love him. Or at the very least, something is very unfinished between us. I'm going to give in." Mandy let out a deep sigh. "Okay, kick my ass, Sophie. I'm ready."
A long pause came from the other end. Mandy pulled clothes from her dresser, to dress for the day. They had swimming plans with Mark later, in attempt to
get to know Colton's new friend better.
When Sophia finally spoke she ignored Mandy's confession. "Let him know. Talk to him. Get together for coffee or dinner or whatever it is you need to finish with him." Sophia paused. Mandy wasn't sure if the pause was to let the words sink in or to consider her next words of advice. "You didn't let him go because you had nothing between you. You didn't let him go because you fell out of love. You let him go because you knew it was the right thing to do. If you hadn't it was as if, I don't know. Bad something, I mean it was good. It was the right thing. You have to find closure with it all. That's what you lack."
"Okay, not the ass kicking I was looking for."
"Just a sec." Mandy listened while her friend conversed with the baby, who made a big mess of breakfast in the background. It was heartwarming. She needed to get to Saskatoon to visit them. Christmas break was coming up, she could make the extra trip to Saskatoon then. It would be a good distraction from what was going on in her life.
"Sorry," Sophia said, returning. "Sorry I couldn't give you what you were looking for. Think about it please. I think you need to get together to tie up the loose ends and all those what ifs. You've been what iffing this guy for eleven years, you never admit it. Why do you think you never go out with a guy for more than two dates?"
"Because, I never found a guy I meshed with."
"As well as you meshed with Kip. You are trying to replace him still."
"You're getting better with the ass kicking. Keep going."
"At least you aren't arguing with me."
"I haven't thought about it all yet."
"Admit I'm right."
"You are right. Somewhat. Mostly. What else?"
"Tell him you are in Red Deer, you'd love to get together. And hey if you can get some tickets to a game, uh, I could convince Tanner to come for a visit."
Mandy laughed. "I will let you know. Maybe I'll see you at Christmas. Get your spare room ready for me."
"Uh, that's taken now. You can have the fold out sofa. That's the best I can offer."
"All right. I'll take that." A screech on Sophia's end interrupted. "Someone's calling for Mom, I'll let you go. Thanks Soph."
"That's what I'm here for. Call me when you are getting close to catching up with him."
Mandy turned off the cordless phone and opened her bedroom door. Colton turned to look at her from his computer chair, not daring to ask what that was about. "You'd better eat some breakfast."
* * *
Kip stared in shock at his e-mail.
Kip,
Well, okay, I hesitated on reconnecting with you. There's so much water under our bridge. I'm living in Red Deer with my son Colton who is eight. I teach grade four. Which I love. My times of being wary are through. I'd love to talk to you and find out all about your travels over the past few years. Y'know, be friends. Again -MG
Mandy had written him back. Mandy was an hour from him, driving distance.
From his home. At the moment, she was across the country, as he was playing in Toronto. He'd been home for about twelve days before this. Twelve days, at least three of which he could have jumped in his car and driven to see her. Twelve days where she wrote him little notes, dropping bits of information about her life, leaving him hungry for more.
This was some kind of mind fuck. Why the sudden change of heart? Why the sudden confession? She knew where he was the whole time.
He shoved away from the desk, cursing.
Three game road trip. Three days before he could even consider the possibility of seeing her. Should he go see her?
No, he shouldn't jump at the bait. It had to be bait. He would keep playing it casual. He wouldn't act eager to see her. Why the hell should he be? She had a kid with another guy. He had no idea how much that other guy was in the picture. Sure she lived with her son, alone. What about the kid's dad? She hadn't said she was a single mom, but she hadn't said she was with anyone. Her name was still Green, so she probably wasn't married. He was jealous of someone he didn't even know. And the father to this child. The child that should have been his. Kip refused to think about what might have happened if she had gotten pregnant by him. They'd talked of having kids, that year they lived together. She wanted to finish school first, and he had to decide what he would do with the rest of his life. Amateur hockey didn't pay the bills, especially for a family. And he was damned if he would let Mandy support him.
Hello stupid, anyone home? Mandy had sent him off to play hockey. Sacrificing one happiness for another. Right or wrong, the road that ended with him and Mandy married had stopped long ago. His only choice was to be friends with her now. That was her offer.
To be friends with her he would have to figure out how to stop living in the past. Stop all the what ifs. Not imagine that she would beg to have him back. There had been a dream the night before. They met and it was the same old Mandy he knew a decade before. And she told him she hadn't stopped loving him, she hadn't ever loved anyone else and did he feel the same?
He woke from that in a cold sweat. It left him distracted all day, which showed in his practice that morning. This got him an ass kicking. That kind of performance wouldn't get him any game starts. He managed to pull it together for the game, pocketing a win in his stats. He was damn lucky he'd even been allowed to play after that practice.
He sat again with his fingers poised over the keyboard. Okay. He would be casual. He wouldn't hope that they would get back together. They would be friends, who ended a romance of a lifetime, so he could play a stupid game.
He was so screwed. He was going into this hoping to have her back. And he would get his stupid heart broken.
Well, once a stupid romantic always a stupid romantic, he thought as he typed a reply.
Your reply brings up a hundred questions. How did you end up moving from Saskatoon to Red Deer? I've heard lots of good things about the city. One of the guys here, his wife is from the city and he raves about it every time he visits. Do you live in a good neighborhood? In a secure apartment?
Do you get home to see your parents often? I don't get back there as often as I should or could. The old town seems bland, boring. Even a little depressing, so I try to avoid it if I can. I know I'm a bad son.
What about your brother? What is he doing? Well, I think that's enough things for now. I'm an open book if you have any questions. I know I'm not giving much up, but it's difficult. -KT
They had always signed their notes and letters with their initials. The old habit had stuck with him all those years, as so many things had.
After he sent the note, he pulled the box out of its place in his bag beside the hotel double bed. He sat on atop the covers and opened the lid. He lifted out everything but the letter without looking at it. He pulled out the letter still stained with tears from when Mandy had written it. He knew the words from memory, but he needed to see them in black and white.
My love,
I never wanted to hurt you. I think you need to concentrate on playing. It's your dream. Mine is being a teacher, and I have to work here on doing that. I'd be a distraction. I love you too much to do that. I'll be done in three years, and I'll call you then. I think it's for the best. I liked you from the moment I saw you the first day I walked into that school. I never dreamed I'd get to spend two years with the man of my dreams, let alone be loved. All my love MG
Kip was tempted to crumple the letter in his hands. He hadn't looked at it in over a year. He read it about once a year to remind him of the reasons everything had happened as it had. To try not to regret the past.
He'd lived the lie for eleven years. He'd told himself that he didn't regret letting her go. Maybe Mandy felt the same way, and he could have his second chance with her. If she didn't feel the same, then she wasn't the Mandy he'd loved all these years, and he'd be able to finally get over her. Either way, there would be some fucking closure.
He put all the things back in the box and shoved it back into the bag. On the desk the computer beeped and
blinked. He had an e-mail. Mandy had replied already. She wasn't showing as on-line for chat, nonetheless the notification of reply blinked.
Red Deer. I love living here. It's a fun city, a little city, comparatively. Colton's dad's office was out of here, so he lived here. He convinced me if we three moved here and lived together, we could be a family. So we did. And I had a good job here, a secure job and a good sitter and Colton was in a good school. So we didn't move. If you ever want to check it out, let me know. I'll give you a tour. We can catch up. Y'know. And I'd love to maybe talk. We come to Calgary infrequently, but it happens. My phone number is: 314-5570. Give me a call between five and nine in the evening, or on the weekends, I'm pretty well home most of the time. Or I keep my phone sent to my cell phone. Unless we are at the pool, okay well, I am babbling now. So I hope to hear from you soon-MG
Kip smiled at the screen. She was nervous. She babbled in her e-mail, repeating herself a little. It meant she'd given him more information than she meant to. It was one of her nervous habits. He tried to superimpose her new image with the Mandy he remembered, while he imagined her as she sat at a computer desk and typed her message. Pushing send before she rethought her words and deleted the extra information.
Was she still the shy girl he'd first met in high school? She never really left it behind, even through their relationship, she never reached out to his friends. She didn't make any during the rest of high school. She made up for it when they hit Saskatoon and university. She opened herself completely.
He raised his eyebrows over her choice of words. If you want to check it out? Was that an invitation? A tentative one perhaps. He didn't blame her for that. This was foreign territory for them. There it was in black and white, her phone number. He could pick up the phone and in a few moments be hearing her voice.