As I wrote, my phone kept pinging, receiving messages from her, reading every one—I felt like a total ass not answering her. The last message she sent let me know she was going to bed and would see me in the morning. It ended with a crying face emoji which made me feel like the son-of-a-bitch I was by doing this to her, but I was at a loss, I didn't know what else to do. I folded the letter and set it on the table. I cleaned the mountain of dishes that sat in the sink, washing and drying them all and putting them away in the cupboard, something I never did. Once the place was cleaned, I glanced at my watch and saw it was almost two in the morning. I looked around grabbing the last few things that belonged to me out of the fully furnished house I had rented and headed out to my truck. I threw everything into the back and went back into the house, shutting off all the lights. Walking to the door, I looked around.
“Please forgive me, Jackson, I know I promised you, but everything considered, I just can't,” I whispered. I opened the front door and locked it behind me. As I went to walk down the stairs, I looked across the street at the dark house, hoping Cass was asleep.
“I'm sorry, Cass, but I can't do this anymore. I love you,” I whispered to the house, tears clouding my vision. I walked down the front steps and climbed into my truck. The engine roared to life, and I hoped she didn't hear it and wake up. I drove slowly down the driveway, keeping my eyes glued to her bedroom window, but tonight, the light didn't come on like it had so many others. I drove slowly down the street and came to the stop sign. I looked in my rear-view mirror, fighting between knowing this was the right thing for me to do and knowing it was the wrong thing for her, and in the end, I was going to break her heart, let alone my own. She had come to depend on me so much. I sat at that stop sign for five minutes, maybe ten before I finally made the decision to turn that corner, and as I drove away from the street that had been my home for the last year, I prayed, in time, she would forgive me, and she would be okay.
Present
* * *
The sound of a car door shutting finally jarred me from my memory. I blinked and looked toward the house I sat in front of. Everything was different. I frowned, it looked like new windows had just been put in, and two brand new cars sat in the driveway. The front porch had been painted. I climbed out of my truck and walked around to the driveway entrance, finally seeing the mailbox at the end of the driveway. In big white letters, the name Smith was painted on the front.
“Can I help you?” I heard a man’s voice call. I looked up and saw an older man coming toward me from the detached garage in the back.
“I'm looking for an old friend who used to live here, Cass Reilly.”
“Nope, sorry, don't know anyone by that name,” he smiled.
“She used to own this place.”
“Well, we just moved here a couple months ago, bought it off a guy by the last name of Davis.”
“Do you know how long the previous owner may have lived here?”
“No, I'm sorry. I sure hope you haven't traveled a long way.”
“Long enough. Do you happen to know where the previous family may have moved to?”
“I'm sorry, I don't.”
“Okay, well, thanks.” I frowned, looking up at the house. I could almost see her in the upstairs window, looking down on me like I had caught her doing so many times.
“Well, I hope you find your friend.”
“Thanks. Sorry to bother you.”
“It’s no bother.”
I took another long look at the house, nodded at the man who stood in front of me, and walked back to my truck. Maybe this was fate’s way of telling me I needed to move on. I climbed back into my truck, started the engine, and pulled away from the curb, heading to my next stop.
4
Cass
I fought tears all the way home. As soon as I pulled into my driveway, I called Ray to cancel tonight. I felt awful to start, but when I heard the disappointment in his voice, it magnified that feeling. After hearing what Maggie had told me, I was in no mood to spend time with anyone. I don't really know why I was so worked up, I couldn't even be sure it was him. If it was indeed Brody who had wandered into the coffee shop, I wondered if he had been looking for me. He would think I was still down in Greyfield, but if he wandered into the bookstore anytime soon, he would find me, and honestly, I wasn't sure I wanted to see him.
With the weight of having to see Ray off my shoulders, I grabbed all the bags from the back seat and went into the house, dropping them on the kitchen counter. I stopped and looked around. I felt completely depleted and just wanted my wine and my pajamas, but I still had to get wood in for the fire. I knew I should have done it this morning as snow was already starting to fall, and the cottage didn't hold the heat very well anymore. With the steady fall in the temperature outside, I knew I would need the extra warmth tonight. Once I had started the fire and put away the groceries, I took the now cold container of Chinese I had picked up for dinner and threw it in the microwave.
With food in hand, I turned on the TV to keep me company while I ate. I ran through the channels and finally found a movie to watch which started at nine. After I was done eating and had put my plate in the dishwasher, I made my way down to my bedroom to get changed. I found Missy, my cat, curled up on the end of the bed. She followed me out of the bedroom to the kitchen while I poured myself a glass of wine, dancing around my slippered feet until I got her some food which she attacked viciously.
I took my glass and the remainder of the bottle of wine with me into the living room where I curled up on the couch with a blanket and a couple of pillows while waiting for the movie to start. I glanced at the picture that sat on the end table. It was a picture of Jackson and me the last summer he had been alive. We were sitting together on a rockface, taking a rest after we had hiked through the mountains. His arms were wrapped around me, his face nuzzled into my neck. I remembered that day like it had been yesterday, yet so much had happened in the interim.
I stared at the photo, tears coming to my eyes. I knew he would be disappointed in me. Everything had changed with me, including the fact I still wasn't celebrating Christmas—it used to be my favorite time of year. The only Christmas I celebrated was at the store, the house remained bleak and undecorated. Since he had left me, I had managed to celebrate one Christmas, and that was the same Christmas Brody had left me. I picked up the frame and studied the picture.
“Man, I miss you so! Merry Christmas, Baby. I promise you this year I'll try to get a tree and perhaps begin to enjoy the season. I've been so lost without you, especially after Brody left me too. With him around, I always felt like I still had some part of you. I wish you would give me a sign to let me know I'll be okay.” The tears were rolling down my cheeks now. “Did I tell you I’ve organized a book drive at the store to help the families of the fallen firefighters in this town? I'm worried Jackson, worried things won't go well. I know what you would tell me—just put my best foot forward, and it will work out. You always said that. You always believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself. I know I’ve let you down, you never wanted me to give up writing, but I didn't have a choice.” I felt ridiculous sitting here talking to a photograph. I put the picture back down, wiped the tears running down my cheeks, and drank down the remainder of the wine in my glass. I grabbed the bottle from the table and poured another glass, finally turning to the sappy Hallmark Christmas movie which would certainly end with me in tears on the couch.
I was just about to head to the washroom before the movie started when I saw I had an email from my friend Rebecca, a fellow author.
Dearest Cass,
I hope this email finds you well. I know you haven't really been writing, but I wanted to reach out to you with an opportunity, anyway. A few of us have come up with an idea for an anthology, and we would love it if you would consider joining us. I will forward the details once I know you are interested. Please respond ASAP, we would love to have your name included in this project.
&nbs
p; Rebecca
I bit my bottom lip and reread her email. Perhaps this was the boost I needed to get back out there in a world I had loved. I smiled as I typed out a quick yes and laid my phone down on the table.
I got up and ran to the washroom and grabbed a snack from the kitchen before sitting back down with my wine. I was about twenty minutes into the movie when my phone pinged with a message. I picked it up, hoping it was Rebecca with the information about this anthology but was pleasantly surprised to see Josie's name flash across my screen. I smiled to myself, I hadn't talked to Josie in a while, and I missed her.
Josie: You around?
Me: Hey! Miss you!
Josie: Me too. Don't have long to chat, I'm hiding in the bathroom but wanted to let you know Brody is here.
I almost choked on my mouthful of wine as I read her text. Brody. So, it very well could have been him at the coffee shop. My stomach did a sudden flip.
Me: What does he want?
Josie: He's looking for you. He wants to see you. Did you want me to tell him where you are?
I stared at my phone, my hand shaking. Until today, I had done my best to put him to the back of my mind because it was the only way I could move on from what had happened between us. But having heard his name twice today, after it had been so long since I had even thought about him, was making me crazy.
Josie: Are you there, Cass?
Me: Just tell him I moved. That's it. You haven't heard from me since I left.
That killed me to type, but I was still so angry and hurt after how he left. Plus, I was just starting to get on with my life here—with the store and with Ray. I guess you could say I was as happy as I could be with my new life. But if truth be told, I still had feelings for him. Feelings that would never go away. To be honest, I was afraid if I saw him, it would open everything back up, and once again, my heart would belong to him.
Josie: He really misses you.
Me: Please, Josie, just cover for me.
Josie: Okay, Cass. If you say so. I'll do my best.
Me: Thanks Josie.
I threw my phone down on the coffee table and placed my head in my hands. Missy jumped up and made herself comfortable in my lap. Petting her head, I tried to turn my attention back to the movie on the TV but found it increasingly difficult with thoughts of Brody running through my head. Sure, over the last couple of years I had gotten a few random texts from him, but I never had the heart to answer—some, I never even had the heart to read.
I got up from the couch, laying Missy off to the side and walked down to my bedroom, grabbing my memory box off the dresser, and went back to my spot on the couch. I very rarely went into the box, the memories in there too much for me to handle most days. Taking a deep breath, I opened the box. There it sat, staring up at me, my name in Brody's handwriting on the back of a wrinkled envelope. I picked up the envelope, running my thumb over it, instantly being transported back to that dreadful day.
Three years ago
* * *
I sat down and cried my heart out. I wanted to be with him, I was in love with him, but I was so afraid to get involved again. I wished he would have let me explain myself. I spent the night worrying to the point I was sick. I had sent Brody a couple of texts and even tried to call him, but every attempt ended the same—unanswered. At four, I looked out my bedroom window over at his house. His truck was gone, and the house sat in darkness. I was afraid something had happened, and he got called out to an emergency, so I sent him another text and laid back down in bed.
By ten, I was tired of being ignored, so I threw my boots on and marched across the street. We were supposed to leave for the cottage today. There was no way he could ignore me if I was standing at his front door.
I marched up the front steps and pounded hard on the door. There was no answer. I grabbed my keys out of my pocket and inserted the spare key he had given me into the lock. The door squeaked open, the house quiet.
“Brody?” I called, stepping inside.
Everything was in place. I looked out the side window and saw his truck still wasn't in the driveway. I frowned to myself but made my way into the kitchen. The pile of clean dishes that always sat in the drain pan was gone, everything had been put away.
I grabbed a piece of paper off the notepad that hung on the fridge and was just about to scribble out a note for him when I saw an envelope with my name scribbled in his handwriting.
I frowned, picking up the envelope. I opened it and removed the piece of paper inside, a sinking feeling settling over me.
My Dearest Cass,
You're probably wondering by now where I am. I'm sorry to do this. I'm letting myself down, I'm letting Jackson down, but most importantly, I'm letting you down. It's not okay, I know. I hope you'll understand, Cass and find a way to forgive me because I will never be able to forgive myself. My feelings for you have grown, in case you hadn't noticed, and I don't know what to do about it. It's not supposed to be this way, Cass. I'm going to try to sort out these feelings and get over you so I can come back and do what Jackson's asked of me.
Love, Brody.
I could barely contain the shake running through my body, the shake and the cold of extreme stress. I needed him, more than he knew, and if he had of just talked to me or been a little more receptive last night, he might have found out I loved him too.
I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and dialed my mom. I needed someone. As soon as I knew she was on her way, I folded the letter and held it tightly in my hand. The shaking was getting so bad, I barely trusted my legs to carry me back home, but they did, all the way back home and upstairs to bed where I spent the next few months.
To be honest, I really couldn't remember how long I had been there because I lost count. That letter had almost ended me.
With tears pouring down my cheeks, I read and reread that old crinkled letter. Crinkled because I had read it every day and night for almost a year after he had gone. But tonight, I let all of those feeling from that day come back to me. It didn't matter how long he had been gone, the feelings were still there, and they were still very raw. I picked up my phone and opened a text window to Josie. The blinking cursor flashing, I started to type and erased, again staring at that blinking cursor.
Every fiber of my being wanted to tell her to tell him where I was, to tell him to come see me, to come home and repair my heart, but I was afraid to type those words. They just wouldn't come despite how my heart felt. I wiped the tears from my eyes, put the phone back down, gently fold the crinkled old letter, placed it back in its envelope, put the envelope back into my memory box, closed the lid, and placed the little lock back on the front. Locking back up what was left of that part of my heart, or so I hoped. I poured myself another glass of wine, took a deep cleansing breath, and curled up under the warm blankets, pulling Missy close and turned what little attention I had left back to the movie.
5
Brody
I spent the night at Bryan and Josie's. They invited the old crew over, and we spent the night drinking and laughing. I had just gotten back into Coldhaven after the long two-hour drive from Greyfield. I pulled off the highway and drove past the only local mechanic shop Coldhaven had to offer, Ray's Garage. If Cass did live around here, this would be the only place she would go for her car to be repaired. Most mechanics knew everyone in small towns. So, I pulled into the closest driveway and turned my truck around. It wouldn't be a loss because I needed to book in for an oil change and have my winter tires put on, anyway. I pulled my truck into an empty spot and shut the engine off.
Walking into the only open dock bay door, I looked around the garage. A car was up on the lift, but the shop was empty, a mess of tools laying on the nearby workbench. I wandered into the small office just off to the left. It was empty as well; a mess of papers covered the small desk. “Hello,” I called into the shop. All was quiet, but then I heard the toilet flush.
“What can I help you with?” A man stepped out from a door off to t
he back left of the building, wiping his hands on a dirty towel.
“I need to book an appointment to have my oil changed and my winter tires put on.”
“Sure thing.” I watched as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and started checking dates. “I can book you in a couple weeks from now, say the thirtieth.”
I nodded and put the appointment in my calendar.
“Hey, I was wondering if you could help me with something else. I'm looking for an old friend, Cass Reilly. She used to have a cottage up in this area, and I was wondering if you could tell me if she’s living in Coldhaven now?”
He took a couple steps forward, inching closer to me, his steely eyes running over me like he was sizing me up.
“Who wants to know?”
“Brody Thompson,” I said, holding my hand out for him to shake, only he didn't shake it. He just stood there studying me, not saying anything.
“Well, Brody Thompson, there is something you should know. People around these parts just don't go sharing with strangers if they know where someone is.”
“Look, she's a close friend of mine, I'd like to see her.”
“I'm sure you would, but if she were as close of a friend as you say, you would know where she was, wouldn't you? Truthfully, I'd love to help you, and if I knew anyone by that name, I might be able to, but I don't.” He looked at the crest on the breast of my jacket. “So, you work for our fire department, do you?”
“I do.”
“I know lots of guys in the department, why don't I know you?”
All I Want for Christmas: A Contemporary Romance Holiday Collection Page 3