“That sounded lame, didn’t it?”
“I liked it. Sometimes you need to stop sounding like a cop, where everything’s planned and rehearsed. Besides, everything you said sounds wonderful,” she said.
Dan nearly laughed again. Wonderful was the biggest understatement he’d ever heard. “Yes it does. And do you know the best part of the canary I’m getting to swallow?”
“What?
“I get to have my best friend for my wife,” he said honestly.
She quietly absorbed his words.
Dan went on, “Do you have any idea how hard it’s been for me to get close to anybody after witnessing my partner’s death?”
“Yes.”
“I want you, Justine,” he said. He didn’t know what else to say besides the truth.
“I want you, too,” she said.
He couldn’t help but smile. Nothing ever felt as right as this.
“Can we have a nice, little white house?” she asked, her smile small, but matching his.
“Yes,” he said. Anything you want, he nearly added.
“With a picket fence?”
“Of course.” With his fingertips, he barely touched her, moving his hand up and down the softness of her back.
“Can we get a dog?” Justine asked.
“I won’t clean up after it.”
Her smile grew. “I will,” she said softly. “And a big yard.”
“Why?” he asked.
“So there’s enough room for a play set for the kids,” she explained. “And a picnic table, and a porch swing, and…”
All her words faded away after that word kids. He must have frowned because Justine stopped talking and looked at him. “What is it?” she asked. “You don’t want a picnic table?”
For a long time, Dan said nothing. How could he tell her his feelings about children without wiping away that glow that lit up her face?
He didn’t have to tell her. She must have been able to see it in his eyes.
“You don’t want kids?” she asked slowly. “That’s it, isn’t it?”
“I don’t think so,” he replied. It was as honest as he could be without being blunt.
“You don’t think so?” she echoed, her voice suddenly nothing more than a whisper. “Why not?” Her words may have been soft, but she suddenly sounded more like a lawyer addressing the witness.
“I’m a cop.” It was the only excuse he could think of and it wasn’t exactly a lie. It just wasn’t the whole truth.
“I’m well aware of that,” she let out in a snap. “Be careful not to poke me with your badge, Officer,” she said sarcastically.
He ignored her comment. “If something happened to me, if I was ever killed in the line of duty, leaving a wife would be hard enough. But I can’t imagine leaving any little kids without a father. I know what it was like to live without one.”
“Can you foresee the future?” she asked. Her anger was building. Dan felt it surround him despite the openness around him, and he didn’t dare tell her that she was beautiful when she was angry.
“No, but—”
“Then how do you know something is going to happen to you?”
“I never said I knew something was going to happen, I said in case something did,” he tried to correct. For the moment, he wasn’t quite sure exactly what he’d said. “My job puts me at a greater risk than others.”
“That’s not good enough,” she argued.
“Adam left two little kids. He never got a chance to say good bye.”
“Was their mother killed, too?” Justine asked.
“What does that have to do with it?” Dan asked. It was his turn to let his anger control him. This conversation was not going the way he dreamed as he’d been kissing her. A simple question of getting married, followed by a beaming answer of yes, finished off with a happily ever after was what he’d been searching for.
“Was she?” Justine persisted.
“No, but there are still two kids that are fatherless.” It made perfect sense to him. Why couldn’t she see it the same way? “And I know what it was like to lose a father at a young age.”
“No, you know what it’s like to lose both your parents,” she put in. “And I’m sorry you had to experience that, but you can’t think the same thing is going to repeat itself with your kids. And if it did, heaven forbid, I’d like to know I didn’t live in a bubble, that I got to experience the joy of a child even if it was just for a little while.”
“I’m just saying my job sure increases my chances.”
“So I guess what you’re really trying to say is that if something happened to you and we had kids, that left alone, I wouldn’t be capable of taking care of them,” she said. She pulled out of his embrace out of the double sleeping bag they’d shared, and began to get dressed. Dan couldn’t help but notice the way she kept herself covered as if she didn’t want him to see her nakedness any longer.
Now she really twisted his words. “That is not what I’m saying,” he tried. But somehow, she made it sound so believable. “I just wouldn’t want you to have to do it alone.”
She slid away further away from him, as far as the small tent would allow. “I wouldn’t be alone,” she said without looking at him. “The kids and I would have each other, and I would have my parents and your brother and my brothers and countless friends. I doubt any of them would toss us out in the cold and leave us to starve when I wouldn’t be able to provide for us.” Her words dripped with sarcasm. She slipped into her shorts.
Dan might have laughed at the sheer idea of Justine starving in the snow, if the conversation wasn’t so serious. “Justine,” he said, fighting off the anger that tried to grab a hold of him. Couldn’t they just forget this conversation and continue holding each other, and make love again?
“Cop or no cop, life is not predictable,” Justine pointed out. “Not for anyone. You could work a nine to five job Monday through Friday and still get run over by a bus.”
“I know that. At the same time, I’ve seen the people who get run over by the buses. I’ve been there to clean up the mess. And I’ve cleaned up messes with kids, too. I’ve seen them mess up their lives with drugs. I’ve seen them messed up with physical abuse, sexual abuse. I’ve seen the after effects of their drinking and driving. I’ve seen it all. Why would I want to bring a child into a world already filled with so many problems?”
His words gave her cause to stop for a long moment. When she looked at him, her eyes glistened like large brown pools. Unshed tears? The idea unnerved him. He ached to reach out and touch her, comfort her in some way, but he didn’t dare move. In eight months, he’d never seen tears in her eyes. For a long moment, all he could do was stare.
“I’d want kids some day,” she said softly. She paused. “Maybe this isn’t a good idea.”
He didn’t know how to respond, not that she gave him a chance. She crawled out of the tent, away from him. Dan dressed, too, and crawled out after her, only to find her haphazardly packing up the few things they’d brought along.
“What are you doing?” he asked. “We have all day.”
“I don’t want to stay any longer. I want to go home,” she said without looking at him as she rolled up the tablecloth on the picnic table.
“Let’s at least have some coffee and breakfast,” he suggested. “The best part about camping is breakfast. The entire place smells like bacon and sausage.” He was stalling, not wanting to end their time together this way.
“You can have some coffee. I don’t want any.” She shoved the tablecloth into a knapsack with the two small pieces of cookware they’d brought.
Taking her arms, Dan stopped her and gently forced her to look at him. “Is this your way of telling me you regret last night?” he asked.
“No, I don’t regret last night, not one single aspect of it,” she answered honestly. “I’m just glad I know this now.”
“And you won’t marry me.” His gaze was captured in hers.
Jus
tine didn’t reply for a long time. “I don’t know.”
“And when will you know?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” she whispered again, sounding as if there was something in her throat cutting off her air.
At least she recognized the feelings between them and the strength of it, enough that she didn’t say no. But in the end, he let her go to pack. He noticed when they drove away how she said nothing all the way home.
At least she didn’t say good-bye.
Chapter 12
Almost Five Years Ago
“Damn, you’re acting like a bear,” Steve said.
As if Dan didn’t already know.
“Don’t you think two weeks is long enough to drag this out?” Steve asked. “Either go see her or forget about her, but don’t bring it to work with you.”
“Why don’t you just mind your own business,” Dan replied. Why couldn’t everyone just leave him alone and let him go through his own personal hell?
“Because I’d hate to see you do something stupid when it comes to your job and all you’ve got your mind on is Justine, that’s why,” Steve said. “We all work together here, remember? And your slipup could endanger someone else.”
“I’m not going to do something stupid,” Dan said.
“You already did something stupid. You let her go. Now you’re running on empty. If you’re not going to give in and call her after brooding for so long, at least quit working the doubles and get some rest.”
“I don’t need rest.”
“Then let me set you up with somebody,” Steve suggested. “I know this girl named Evie. I know she’d put out for you. Maybe then you could let off a little steam.”
Dan rolled his eyes and bit his tongue to keep from telling Steve exactly what he could do with the idea of setting him up with another woman. He punched enter on the computer, finishing his last report, and he headed for the door.
On his way out, he turned back to Steve. “When did you become my mother, anyway? If I want to spend the next fifty years putting in double shifts, I will, especially if it keeps me out that tiny duplex I call home where the walls are slowly closing in.”
Then, he left.
What the hell was wrong with him? Why did he just say all that when he’d hardly shared anything personal with anyone before? The entire force was bound to be writing him up for a psych evaluation.
The August heat was almost enough to take his breath away, but he ignored it. All he had to do was think of Justine. He climbed into his new truck, but he didn’t start it right away. Instead, he was forced to pause and take a deep breath. How could one small woman turn his whole life upside down and make him feel so incomplete when she left?
His heart actually ached in his chest, he missed her so much. And he hated that she could hold such power over his thoughts and emotions.
At least he hadn’t had to be in court for anything. He was tired, but not tired enough to sleep through the night instead of lying awake thinking of Justine.
He should tell her the truth about the kid issue, but would she accept the truth any better? He didn’t know.
Justine’s little red car was parked in his driveway. His heart raced suddenly.
She stood waiting for him on his front porch.
She looked beautiful, he thought, perfect in a summer suit with a short skirt that showed most of her shapely legs. The pale green color enriched the deep golden color of her tanned skin.
“What are you doing here?” he asked, doing his best to keep any emotions from reaching his eyes and his voice.
He fought the urge to pull her into his arms and sweep her into his home, to hold her tight enough so she could never leave him again. He fought even more to keep from grabbing her and kissing her. Just by seeing her, he was able to taste her again.
“I couldn’t stay away,” she said.
He appreciated that she didn’t use any of her lawyer tactics and twist any words. There was a hint of dark circles under her eyes.
“Not sleeping?” he asked. “You look awful.”
“Thanks,” she replied easily. “So do you. And though it may send your ego into triple digits, no, I haven’t been able sleep. I can’t seem to sleep without dreaming about you.”
Dan was happy hearing she experienced the same driving emotions he did. What he liked even more was her simple, certain honesty.
She was suddenly in his arms without him having to pull her there.
Dan let out a sigh of satisfaction. Nothing ever felt so right as having her close. He took a deep breath and breathed in her sweet, womanly smell as he wrapped his arms around her small form. He had planned to keep his distance from her, to not allow her close to his soul. Somehow, she’d managed to worm her way there without his knowing.
Until now.
For a long time, they stood there on his porch, letting the day end, letting the time of their separation end with this moment of closeness. All around them, the world continued, but it was all lost to them.
“I don’t ever want to be apart from you again, Dan,” she said.
“I don’t want to be apart from you, either,” he replied. “But I won’t have any kids.”
“If you don’t want kids,” she said slowly, “I’ll try to live with that.”
Dan was quiet for a long time as he digested her words. “I don’t want you trying to live with something or in this case, without something. That wouldn’t be fair to either of us.”
“I know, but living without you isn’t fair for either of us, either,” she said.
“But Jus, do you understand that I don’t want children and I’ll do whatever’s necessary to prevent them?” he had to ask.
Pressed against his chest, she nodded. “I understand that. What I don’t understand is why not.”
He kissed the top of her head. “I see so many kids in trouble.” It sounded lame to him.
“I know. Some of them show up in my courtroom.”
“I know how this has to hurt you,” he went on. “And I don’t want to be the one to hurt you this much. You deserve better. If you want children some day, you deserve someone who can give them to you.”
“No,” she said. She pulled away only enough to look up at him. “I don’t want anyone else. Ever. Don’t you understand that?” She didn’t wait for his reply, she simply went on, “Yes, it does hurt. But not as much as staying away from you. I can’t sleep. I can’t think. I can’t concentrate on my work.”
Dan could certainly relate to those problems.
“You said there was no going back, once we said we loved each other and made love, remember?” she asked softly.
“I remember.”
“Well, you were right in more ways than one. There is no going back to just being friends. And there is no going back to not being friends. There is no going back to being without you.”
Dan had to swallow past the lump that was suddenly in his throat. “I know.” He just had been too stubborn to admit it to himself.
“Does the offer of marriage still stand?” she asked.
He pulled her tighter against him once again and wondered if she could hear the wild beat of his heart. “Oh, yes,” he said, his throat raw, the words painful. The joy of having her back was enough to make him want to yell with laughter and cry with renewed happiness at the same time.
“Then, yes, I’ll marry you. But I have to warn you.”
“What?” He lightly kissed the top of her head, already knowing what she was going to say.
“I’ll try and change your mind on the child issue,” she said.
Dan gave her a small, sad smile. With gentle hands, he forced her to look up at him again. His kiss was soft, longing, letting out all the need of the past two lonely, frustrating weeks.
“Will you come inside with me?” Dan asked. “We’ve got a wedding to plan.”
“I’ll go anywhere with you.”
Chapter 13
Having his hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans
did little to warm them. All it did was remind Dan of the bracelet he had tucked in there.
He looked across the campground at the site where he’d pitched their small tent. In that tent in her arms, he’d found refuge from his own horrid past, a past he was now forced to face.
A past that now held his wife in the crossfires.
Suddenly he couldn’t put off the inevitable any longer. He turned away from the get-away van and caught Steve’s gaze. Try as he might, he knew he couldn’t keep the despair out of his voice or his expression.
“Did you know I asked her to marry me here in this campground?”
“Really?”
“Really. Now I’ve got to go tell her parents,” he said. It wasn’t exactly a lie. He did have to face her parents. There was just so much more he needed to do.
Steve nodded. “I know.”
Dan quickly wrote the Albright’s phone number on a slip of paper. “I’ll stop at home and grab my cell phone. If anything comes up, and I mean anything—”
“I’ll call you,” Steve finished. “Try to get some rest while you’re there.”
“Right,” Dan replied, “and I’ll probably pass a few pigs flying on the way.”
Dan grabbed his jacket and headed for his truck, which was still parked on the side of the highway. His neck and back were stiff and his arm still ached, but it was nothing compared to the worry that ate at his heart and soul. And he was terrified to think it may be nothing compared to what his wife might be experiencing.
He had known Deke in high school, before he was a cop. If things had been different, Dan would have been in prison or at least living a life of crime always looking over his shoulder like his old partner.
Dan was thankful he’d managed to break away. But he still hadn’t been able to break away completely.
Deke was not stupid. He knew if he hurt Justine, Dan would show him what it felt like to be buried alive. Dan couldn’t dwell on it. He’d go crazy if he did and right then he had to keep his thoughts clear as he searched for the right path to end this nightmare without ending up on the wrong side of the FBI interrogation table.
Their house was dark and empty. Dan’s footsteps echoed on the new tile. The thick smell of grout was heavy in the air. He changed clothes, grabbed the phone from the charger and his gun, and wasted no more time leaving. He couldn’t stay there.
A Twist of Betrayal Page 10