CHAPTER 4
BLUE
Blue shut her locker and sighed as she rested her forehead against the cool metal.
Three weeks.
Three weeks had passed and she still grappled with nightmares. She struggled to sleep, and it was hard to eat. Dark circles greeted her in the mirror every morning, and she was tired.
So. Damn. Tired.
This was different from when her father died. There had been no guilt involved in his death, just loss. Now, there was more guilt than loss. Her friends were the ones going through the loss. On top of all that, the investigation into the four missing students remained ongoing. They wouldn’t close the case, even though no progress had been made. Of course there’s been no progress. There isn’t anything to find.
Straightening, she headed through the halls of the school. She could hear the other students laughing and calling to each other, but it all seemed muffled. Dull. That was her world now, dulled by remorse, by sorrow. It only seemed to be made worse by how normal everything else remained, creating a dissonance between her reality and everyone else’s.
She still hadn’t really been able to talk to Phe or Forrest, just superficially at lunch. When she’d gone to Phe’s place the other night, Phe still said she wanted to be alone. The situation with Forrest was different, less direct. One moment he acted like he wanted her around, like her presence helped him, and the next he grew distant. Even Kevin had withdrawn. He said they were okay, he just needed to work through stuff, but it didn’t seem that way to her.
Strangely, the only one she felt remotely comfortable around right now was Jason, though it was more because she was still so angry at him, the emotion was a nice change from the guilt. Plus, he hadn’t changed his attitude towards her. He still alternated between distant and friendly. Where before it had annoyed and confused Blue, now she took comfort in the consistency of his inconsistent attitudes.
Blue couldn’t really blame her friends for their distance. She did know, though, she couldn’t continue like this, stuck in a limbo of not knowing. Not knowing the exact status of the investigation into the disappearances, not knowing what Forrest, Phe and Kevin were really thinking, if they were still her friends, and not knowing what she could do to help them. Did it really matter if they were her friends?
The thought stopped her. She paused in the middle of the hall, jostled by the students passing around her, arrested by the idea. Did it matter? Did it change the fact she was their friend? What was a friend?
Another realization hit her. She worried about whether or not they were her friends still, but she hadn’t been being a friend to them, not really. She’d been so wrapped in her own emotions.
A new determination filled her, pushing some of the weariness away. She needed to find them, be there for them. She couldn’t let them push her away. They all needed to stick together. If, in the end, any one of them decided they couldn’t be her friends, fine, but she would do what she could for them in the meantime.
Picking her pace, she hurried toward the parking lot. Maybe she could catch one of them. If not, that was fine, she’d eventually corner one of them. I know where you live. She shocked herself just a little at the light-hearted feeling accompanying the playful thought.
Rounding the corner, she spotted Jason and Kevin near the doors. Blue took a deep breath and headed over to them.
“Hey, Kevin. Can I talk to you for a minute?” she asked, pointedly not looking at Jason.
Jason shot her a little smile, like there was nothing wrong. “We’ll finish later,” he said to Kevin, and strode off down the hall.
“What did you want to talk about?” Kevin asked.
“It’s just, this last week, well, couple of weeks, have been hard, for everyone. I—” She broke off, unsure if she wanted to continue, but knew she had to push through. “Can we go somewhere not in the middle of the hall at school? And talk, for real?”
Kevin sighed. “Yeah, let’s go to my house. We have to work on our project anyways.”
Since their return, Blue had been to his place a couple of times to work on the catapult project. It wasn’t too far from where she lived. She pulled up and parked on the street by the walk. She took a few deep breaths. She would have this conversation, no chickening out.
The garage was set up more like a workshop. Tools and lighter shop machinery were set up along one wall, and a large wood-top table took up most of one parking space. The other side was lined with deep storage cabinets. Blue had explored them one day, and they held different types of wood, more intricate tools, and supplies for whatever it was Kevin’s dad did. The whole place smelled constantly like sawdust and lacquer.
She headed to the stools set up around the worktable while Kevin went and got them a couple of iced-teas from the house. Once they were both settled, Blue dived right in.
“Kevin, I need to say this. It’s been really hard for me to figure out the words, and I still don’t know exactly what they are, so I’m just going to ramble a bit. Well, a lot.” She shifted in her seat, uncomfortable, and fixed her gaze on the stained cement of the garage floor. “I can’t stand it anymore. You say everything is okay, that we’re okay, our friendship is okay, but it’s not. You’re reserved. I don’t blame you, I mean, it’s my fault what happened, and if I hadn’t been there, none of this would have happened, no one would have died, Derrick would still be—”
“Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t. If anyone should be sorry it’s me,” he broke in. She looked up to see Kevin’s face twisted in guilt.
Does Kevin blame himself? Why? That’s ridiculous.
“What do you mean?”
“I invited you. The night of the concert, I invited you to come with us on the hike. I just thought if you and Jason were able to spend some time together… Well, I mean, he warmed up to you. I thought you would get on really well. So, I invited you. When you mentioned inviting Phe, I should have known she would tell her brother, who would drag the others out.” Kevin’s face was worn, defeated.
“Kevin, no, none of this was you. Do you really think that?”
“It’s hard not to. You start wondering and thinking, ‘if things had been just a little different’. But they weren’t,” Kevin looked past her, his gaze unfocused as if he stared somewhere she couldn’t see or travel.
“Kevin?”
“Did anyone ever tell you what happened freshman year?”
“No, everyone just says they don’t want to talk about it.”
“And I did the same.” Kevin focused on her. “Well, I think it needs to get talked about. I often wonder how things may have worked out if I’d made different decisions . I haven’t really had anyone to talk about this with, not even Jason.”
“What about Phe?”
“No, it’s too raw for her still, and she’d probably punch me if I brought up Jason’s name.”
“Okay then. Tell me.” This was something she could do. She could listen.
Kevin took a breath and told her his tale. It certainly wasn’t anything she had expected. He started with what she already knew, that Jason had shown up halfway through freshman year. He and Phillip were on the junior varsity football team, having played in middle school together. Jason tried out and made it onto the team as well.
“For some reason,” Kevin said. “They took an immediate dislike to each other. Nothing obvious, but they never spoke unless something forced them to, never hung out, could barely function together when they ended up on the same team during scrimmages. Admittedly, Jason was a bit arrogant back then, but so was Phi, and it became personal.”
“A little arrogant back then?” she asked, her tone slightly teasing. She already felt better, like she had her friend back. She was glad she could be here for him.
It got a small chuckle. “Okay, so he’s still a little arrogant. It’s better now. He’s less… distant. Looking back, knowing what we know now, the aloofness makes sense, but back then it definitely came off as arrogance. And Phillip had
more than a little of his own.” Kevin gave a small, sad smile.
“What happened?”
“What you’d think. They developed a crazy rivalry. Coach encouraged the competitiveness, using it to get them to play their best. And they both played really well for a while. Then things started getting to Phi. His performance started to fall off. Jason’s got better. Coach even slated Jason to move up to varsity in his sophomore year, he had done so well.
“All of this caused Phillip to go over the edge. I didn’t find out some of this until later. A week or so after Coach made the announcement, things started going missing. At first it wasn’t enough to rouse suspicion, a few bucks one day from one boy, then a missing class ring from one of the seniors. Eventually, it became too much to dismiss as items simply misplaced.
“Finally, someone took the then captain’s watch, and an investigation was launched. It stalled out, though, and a few weeks went by with nothing missing. Then… “ Kevin trailed off, reluctant to say more.
“Then?” she prompted.
Kevin looked down, a mix of regret and stubbornness in his expression. “Then one day I had forgotten my bag in the locker room. Almost everyone had left already. I walked in and saw Phillip going through it. I almost called out to him, assuming he was just borrowing a clean shirt like he would sometimes. I’m still not sure what stopped me, but I hesitated, and just watched.” Kevin took a deep breath. It was obvious this part of the story still pained him. “Phi pulled out a necklace I have. It’s a silly little thing, a small chain, not valuable, but Phe gave it to me when we were younger. I’d taken to carrying it around in my gym bag, it was like my lucky charm.” Kevin gave a small smile.
“Anyways, I watched Phi pull it out, unable to come up with any reason for him to want it. Then, he turned to Jason’s locker. Jason had a key lock on it, not a combo lock, and Phillip managed to pick the things open. I think I knew by then what was going on, but I just couldn’t believe Phi was guilty.
“Just as Phi was about to close the locker, I heard a step just behind me, loud enough to catch mine and Phillip’s attention. I froze, but Phi noticed me, and asked what I was doing there. I think that may be the only reason Jason gave me a chance. I have no doubt he first thought I was in on it with Phi, since I had just stood there watching.”
Kevin paused and took a sip of his tea. Blue could see this this story was hard for him to tell. She kept silent, letting him gather his thoughts
“It was like bad comedy. Phillip frozen, half kneeling in front of Jason’s locker, me with my mouth gaping, gaze ping-ponging between the two of them. Phi tried to play it off, like he had just found it there in Jason’s locker. He fully expected me to support him, and back up his tale. I almost did. But I looked at him, and didn’t see my friend anymore. I saw a stranger, someone I wouldn’t be friends with, not if they did things like that.” Anger crept in Kevin’s voice at this next part. “He knew how much the necklace meant to me. He knew it, Blue, and he still used it, and me, as part of his scheme.”
She reached out a comforting hand, no knowing what to say to make it better. She’d never been in a situation like that, betrayed by a friend. She hoped she never was. Finally, she said the only thing to come to mind, “That sucks, Kevin. That seriously sucks.”
Kevin shot her a small smile. “Yeah, it sucked.”
“So, that’s why you and Phi stopped being friends? What about the others. I would think they would understand, especially Forrest.” It still didn’t make sense. The dislike between Phi and Jason had been explained, but not why Kevin had grown so apart from the others.
“I never told them. Sounds silly, doesn’t it? But I still considered Phi my friend, and I didn’t want him in trouble. Caring about someone doesn’t just stop, or it shouldn’t. I think I made a mistake.” Kevin turned around on the stool, leaning his elbows back on the worktable. “I convinced Jason to keep it quiet, but he had a condition. Phillip had to quit the team. He didn’t care what kind of excuse was made up, but if Phi stayed, Jason would turn him in. It set Phi off again. As if he didn’t hear a word I had just said, he still thought I would back him up. He taunted Jason, saying there was no proof, just his word against ours. Ours, Blue. He just assumed. I got angry then. I let Phillip know, again, if it came down to it, I would tell the truth.”
“I don’t see it as a mistake. If you had lied for Phillip, you wouldn’t be you,” she said.
“That wasn’t the mistake I meant. I should have turned him in. Oh, Phe and the twins would have been mad, but it would have blown over, and the facts would have been out there. Instead, Phi twisted things around so he was the betrayed one. I don’t know exactly what he told them, but little by little the others drew away from me, stopped talking to me. And because I was still trying to protect Phi, I let them. Eventually, it became just like it was when you and I first met. They were practically strangers.”
“Huh,” she said, mulling over everything he’d told her.
Kevin stared down at the floor once more, shoulders hunched, like he waited for a blow.
It may not be the right move, but she dove in, saying just what she thought. “Kevin.” She waited ‘til he met her gaze. “I’m going to be honest. I think you’re right. You handled things with Phi badly in some ways, and really well in others. You didn’t compromise on what you knew was right on the big things, you didn’t let Phi accuse Jason. But I’m thinking you were also right that you should have said something, shouldn’t have let him get away with it. In a way, you gave up. You lost them all. I don’t know, maybe you still would have in the end, but I don’t think so. From what I saw in Karran, they all missed you. Thing is, you didn’t try.” She let out a short, self-derisive laugh. “Or maybe I’m just projecting my own issues onto you.”
“Blue?”
She shook her head. “We’ll talk about it when we’re done discussing your stuff. How is it now, with Phe? Forrest? Have you talked with them at all?”
“No. I really thought I’d connected again with Phe, but she won’t talk to me at all. I really don’t know what to do. It’s the same with Forrest. The only one I’ve really been able to talk to is Jason. It’s like nothing’s changed there.”
She laughed. “Well, at least it’s not only me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I haven’t been able to get Phe or Forrest to talk either, not more than the usual social stuff. And then with Jason… like you said, nothing has changed, he’s still doing his hot-cold dance thing with me. Makes me think he’s either the greatest actor ever, or it’s just the way he is.”
They sat in silence for a few more minutes. She felt better for having talked, and hoped Kevin did as well. Then she moved to his side. “Want a hug?” she asked.
Kevin smiled. “Sure, come here.” He held his arms open and Blue moved in. It was a good hug. “I’m thinking this hug was for both of us again, huh?”
She nodded, mock-serious. “Yes. Some much needed hug-therapy.”
“I’m also thinking you’re right. No giving up on them this time. I think we need to plan our attack very strategically. Forrest is going to be a little easier. Phe is a bit of a tough nut.”
“Don’t worry, I’ve added it to the list. Help Phe and Forrest with their grief, however we can. I know we can’t magically make it go away, but there’s got to be something more than just ‘giving them time’, right?”
"Yeah, we'll figure it out." Kevin nudged her shoulder. "Now, what's going on with you?"
Taking a deep breath, she gathered her courage. She'd made so much progress since she'd come to Austin, but it was still hard to really open up about the big things. Each time she did, it became a little easier, but talking about her fears, herself, was never easy. Blue opened her mouth, but nothing came out.
"Spit it out," Kevin said, seriously.
"I've been having nightmares about what happened back in Karran. Everyone is looking at me, blaming me, and I lose all of you, my new friends, people I met the
re, you all leave me, because it's my fault. I keep thinking there's something I should have done, something ... And I'm scared that— that I'll lose you all," she finally got out, the words coming one long rush then trailing off. Once it was said, she peeked at Kevin, studying his expression from the corner of her eye.
She let out of sigh of relief. Kevin’s expression wasn’t accusatory, but speculative, a slight frown on his lips and furrow between his brows as he studied her. He'd already said he didn't blame her, but her fear of it lingered. It hit her then. It wasn't the guilt, it was the fear hurting her, fear of losing the people she still had.
"Is that really how you feel?" he finally asked.
She averted her gaze, reluctant to answer. Why did admitting to the fear seem so horrible? This situation was so different from when her father had died, but in a way it was similar. She'd lost her dad, hadn't she? And now she may lose her friends, these people she'd somehow grown to love so much in such a short time.
Kevin remained silent, patiently waiting for her answer. Finally, she replied. "Yes. I'm scared, Kevin. Terrified, even, that I've lost you all."
"You haven't lost me, Blue."
The sincerity of his words caused tears to gather in her eyes. A tissue appeared in front her and she took it, wiping her face. “I’ve become a cry-baby since coming to Austin, it seems.”
Kevin chuckled, the sound soothing and calm.
They sat in silence, both lost their own thoughts. She suddenly started laughing. "We certainly are a pair, aren't we?"
Kevin smiled back at her. "So, what are we going to do about Phe and Forrest?"
"I don't really know, but we won't give up." Whatever she felt, Blue knew she wouldn’t let her friends go without some sort of fight.
CHAPTER 5
BLUE
Behind These Blue Eyes: Between The Adventures (The Adventures of Blue Faust Book 2) Page 3