She reached out, taking his hand. She knew what to say for this one. “It’s hard, huh? Knowing someone you love so much isn’t there anymore?”
“Yeah.”
They stayed that way, holding hands, both lost in their thoughts. After a bit, Blue shook it off and tried to think of something, anything that may help. She only really started feeling better about her dad’s death when she decided to do something, instead of just thinking about it.
“Do you want to get out of here? Go do something? Even just take a walk?”
He squeezed her hand. “I’d love that. Have you been to Town Lake yet?”
She shook her head. She hadn’t, but her mom had mentioned it as a place she may like to visit. “No, but let’s go. You can show me some of your favorite places. Or we can talk about Derrick some more, or whatever you want.”
They did just that. For the rest of the afternoon, Forrest took her to all the places around Town Lake Derrick used to enjoy. The coffee place that had the best frozen chocolate concoction Blue had ever tasted. They rented a kayak for a couple hours and went out on the water. They ate at a local café, simple, and enjoyed a white queso dip Derrick had loved. They spent the afternoon remembering their friend.
During the ride back to Forrest’s, Blue finally brought up something she had been reluctant to. “Forrest, Derrick’s death. You know that I… I’m sorry. If it wasn’t for me he would still be alive.” Her breath caught and tears gathered in her eyes. It seemed she cried at the drop of a hat these days. For the afternoon, she’d managed to push the guilt aside, concentrating just on Forrest and what he needed. But, now, she needed to get this out. “I can’t help but thinking, every day, if it wasn’t for me, they’d all still be here. Derrick, Danny and Eric would be alive, and Phillip wouldn’t be…”
Forrest glanced over, making a low sound in his throat, a protest. He pulled into one of the side streets and stopped the car. Twisting in his seat, he cupped her cheek. “Blue, do you blame the gun or the shooter?”
“Huh?” His question seemed so out of left field to her, she didn’t know where he was going with it.
“Do you blame the gun or the shooter? The gun doesn’t know what it’s doing. It’s a tool, with a function. The shooter is the one who aims it, who uses it.”
“Are you calling me a gun?”
Forrest snorted. “Yeah, you’re like a mini-cannon. Not the point. I’ll admit, I had a few moments when I wondered the same thing. Only a few, and they were very brief.”
Her heart clenched. She knew it. She opened her mouth to apologize again, but he cut her off
“I also wondered what would have happened if we hadn’t gone on that hike with you, if it had just been you and Kevin and Jason. Maybe none of you would have survived, and I’d never know what happened. What if we hadn’t been there to look out for you?” He brushed a thumb over her cheekbone, wiping away her tears. “Another thing to think of. What if those assholes hadn’t kidnapped everyone in the first place? Or, what if whatever those stones hadn’t worked for Phi? What I realized, and what I’m trying to say, is none of the death was your fault.”
“But, Derrick… he was coming to rescue me, you said, when I cried out. That was me.”
He sighed and dropped his hand. “Blue, I’m going to be an ass for just a minute.” His voice hardened. “Snap out of it. That was his decision. All three of us rushed to your door. He just happened to be the first one through. Was there anything you could have done? Could you have stopped it?”
“No, I didn’t know any of it was going on. Whatever they set off knocked me out for a while.”
“There you go. So, knock it off. You don’t have anything to feel guilty over.”
“But I still do.”
“Okay. Let’s put it this way. If there was one way Derrick would have liked to go, it would have been to save a friend. He was doing what Derrick did, just like when he threatened that bully for Kevin, or wanted to beat up Jason for Phi. He was defending a friend. You were a friend, never doubt that.”
The tears streamed down her face now, and she realized she wasn’t breathing, her throat too tight. She gasped in a breath, and then the release came. She cried like she hadn’t before. For the friend she had only gotten to know a little, and with relief that Forrest didn’t blame her. Oh, the guilt was still there, but it had lessened, and her fear of losing Forrest had eased as well. She knew it would take a while, but she was finally on the road to mending, and she thought, maybe, so was Forrest.
Digging around in the center storage compartment, he pulled out a small pack of tissues and handed it over with a small smile. After she’d wiped her face, grateful she’d not been wearing much makeup, he pulled the car back out into traffic, continuing on the way home. The rest of the drive was made in silence, but it was a comfortable silence, the kind you only have with people you know want nothing from you other than your presence.
They pulled up in front of his house, and Blue could see his mother in the front yard, working on one of the raised planters. It reminded her of what Sheila had said earlier, how Forrest had told her everything. Blue had been so caught up in learning about Derrick and getting Forrest out of the house, she’d forgotten to ask about that. Well, no time like the present.
“Forrest?”
“Yeah?” he said, absent, attention on getting the jammed key out of the ignition.
“You told your mom?” She kept her voice slightly teasing, light, but she was concerned. If it got out they thought they’d been to another world, she was scared the authorities would get involved, and this time not just questioning them generally about the disappearances, but accusing them of being delusional, or twisting things around.
He blushed, a pink tinge coming to his cheeks and his neck. It was cute. “Yeah, well, it’s kind of hard not to tell my mom things. She figured out pretty fast something was wrong, and when it got out Derrick was missing, she knew right away that I knew more than I had told the police. She just… got me talking.” Forrest looked a little baffled, now, like he still tried to figure out how he ended up spilling the whole story.
She giggled. It shouldn’t have been funny, but it was. “I’m a little jealous, actually. I’d love to be able to talk to my mom about all this. To talk about it with someone who wasn’t there, could give me some perspective, you know?” She glanced out the truck’s window at Sheila, who now filled the hummingbird feeders.
FORREST
Forrest looked at Blue where she sat beside him, watching his mother in her garden. He’d known she was having trouble, but for some reason he never reached out, to try to help. Something always held him back.
These last weeks, every day, he’d but on a mask of normalcy. He’d get up, go to school, laugh and joke with friends, then come home. And every day after school, he’d gone to his room and drawn. There were pictures of the quorin they’d ridden and the city they’d visited, the clansmen they’d met and the inn they’d stayed in. He’d drawn Felix and his mercenaries, and the mysterious Levi. He’d drawn Kevin and Derrick and Blue as they’d been back in Karran, alive with excitement and an eagerness for the next new thing.
He’d been trying to hold on so tightly to what was gone, he’d been missing what was in front of him, and that hurt. He felt like he’d failed her somehow.
“Blue?”
She twisted back to him and gave him that small, sad smile. He couldn’t bear it. He needed her to be okay. He reached for her hand and laced their fingers together, silently encouraging her.
“I’ve… been having nightmares.” Forrest gave her fingers a small squeeze, and she continued. “They’re always the same. I’m in the dark, but somehow I can see very clearly a few feet in front of me. Then everyone starts to appear. Phillip morphs into some sort of animated corpse. Derrick is there too. Sometimes it’s Phe, sometimes Kevin, and, randomly, sometimes it’s Trevon. Sometimes all of you are there. But one thing is always the same. It’s always my fault, and I lose you all. And,
this now sounds like a twisted version of Dorothy after she gets back from Oz. ‘You were there, and you were there, and so were you’.”
Forrest smiled at this last bit. It wasn’t funny, not really, but he loved how Blue always seemed to find the humor in a situation. “Have you talked to anyone about them?”
“Not really. I mean, I mentioned them to Kevin, but we didn’t really talk about it.”
“Why not?”
She hesitated and her eyes shifted to the side, not meeting his. He would get whatever this was out of her, no more letting her down.
“Blue?”
“I was scared.”
“Of?”
“That the dreams are right,” she said in a rush, then slumped, like some great tension had left her. “It also seemed so selfish. I mean, you guys’ loss was so much worse than mine. Like I said, I only knew Derrick and the others for a couple weeks. Even Phi, though he’s not dead, is effectively gone. Who was I to be having trouble?” She continued, her voice low. “Especially when it was my fault.”
Forrest let go of her hand and pulled on one of the streaks in her hair. “Hey, we’ve been over that. Not your fault.”
“I know, I know. Well, I sort of know. It’s still all confused in my head. It’s different from when my dad died, and I haven’t figured out how to deal, yet.”
“Blue, you don’t have to deal alone.” He saw her freeze for just a moment, then that gorgeous smile spread across her face, the one he hadn’t seen enough of these last weeks.
“No, I don’t, do I?” Her eyes widened, becoming earnest. “Neither do you, okay? You tell me when you need me. I want, no, I need to help you somehow, all of you.”
Forrest lost himself in her eyes for just a bit. They remained slightly red from when she cried earlier, but it just made the blue of her irises stand out more. Damn, I lov—
He cut the thought off. Was that possible? Could you love someone after knowing them for a few weeks? He’d never thought so, but there was definitely something between them, something he never wanted to let go of. He knew he had a crush on her, but the feeling was so much bigger now, he didn’t know what to call it. Maybe it was love.
“I’ll make you a deal,” he said, smiling gently. “I’ll tell you when I need you, if you do the same. No more holding onto things, all right?”
She nodded, her hair bouncing. “Deal. Maybe we need a code word? Or multiple code words, for different levels of neediness? Like, if you’re feeling super needy, just say ‘octopus’.” She paused and blushed. “Not needy, exactly, but if you well… need me, I mean. Damn, that made no sense.”
Forrest let her ramble a bit, he liked it, and he liked the way she blushed. “Octopus, I can go with that,” he said when she wound down. “And if it’s medium neediness, we’ll go with coconut. What should we use for mild?”
She shot him a look he couldn’t interpret, but he knew she wasn’t upset at his teasing, not really. “Teapot! We’ll use teapot.”
Their chuckles were just winding down when a rap on the window pulled both of their heads around. Forrest’s mom stood there, grinning. “You two okay in there?” she shouted through the glass. She could be heard just fine, there was no need to shout, and she knew it. It struck Forrest as the perfect mom thing, one only his mom would do.
“Yes, Mom, we’re fine,” he yelled back, knowing it would please her, playing her little game. She nodded and went back to the house.
Blue’s lips twitched. She must have caught what he had done. And she appreciated it, he could tell. Damn, maybe I do love her. “Tell you what. You need to borrow my mom, feel free. She’d love it, actually. I had a hard time getting her to stop all her questions. Now, she’ll have two people to interrogate, and you’ll have someone to talk to.”
“Thank you, Forrest.”
“No, thank you, Blue. We’re going to get through this.”
CHAPTER 6
BLUE
Paper skeletons, pumpkins and witches decorated the walls of the school. Even a few cotton spider webs and student made spiders nestled in the corners.
“Blue!”
Blue turned, seeing Phe rushing toward her, dodging the students still in the hall. Paper skeletons, pumpkins and witches decorated the walls, even a few cotton spider webs. The first bell had just rung, and they only had a couple minutes to get to class.
“Did you hear? They finally found Phi’s car!” Phe practically squealed.
“I did?” Blue didn’t mean to have her statement come out as a question, but she had no idea why this was exciting.
“This is great. I can finally let all this go. It’s over. I’ve been waiting for that damn car to be found, so I can put this all behind me, and now it is!”
“Phe, that makes no sense.”
“It makes perfect sense, to me.” Phe pouted, putting on a hurt face.
“Phe,” she said, with a cautioning tone. “Talk. To. Me. In a way that makes sense, to me, please.” She’d been trying to get Phe to open up about what happened back on Karran, but this was the first time she had shown any interest.
“Yeah, you’ve been trying to talk for a while now, huh? Okay, let’s go talk.” Phe grabbed her arm and dragged her down the hall to the girls’ restroom.
“But, class,” she protested.
“Tell the teacher you had ‘feminine issues’. They usually back right down.”
“Used that one much, have you?” Blue was amused. This was the Phe she remembered from the first week of school. They pushed through the door and Phe checked each stall before pulling herself up to sit on the counter.
“So, what do you want to talk about?” asked Phe, swinging her legs.
“Well, I want to talk about how you’re doing. And how you’re feeling, and all of the things!” she said, frustrated. What did Phe mean, ‘what do you want to talk about?’.
“All of the things, huh? That’s a pretty tall order,” she teased, before sobering up. “Okay, let’s talk.”
Blue back-pedaled, not wanting to push Phe into something she wasn’t ready for. “We don’t have to, not if you don’t want.” She had learned some things over the last weeks, the key one being, you couldn’t force someone to talk to you, or help them, unless they really wanted it. Case in point, Phe. It had been seven weeks since they’d returned—Halloween was right around the corner. In all that time, Phe never once talked about her brother, or what the events that took place on Karran, what she had been through there.
It hadn’t been all bad, though. She had used this time to get to know Phe better. She’d already known Phe had skills with makeup and hair, but now knew Phe also had an interest in acting; she had even joined the drama club, and signed up to try out for the spring play. The one time Blue had asked why she didn’t do it sooner, Phe just shrugged and looked away. Blue suspected it had something to do with her twin.
Phe tilted her head back and stared out the high awning windows, watching the clouds move by. Her shoulders rolled back, and she visibly steeled herself, her expression determined. Finally, she turned and looked Blue in the eye. “I admire you.”
Blue swallowed, she hadn’t expected those to be Phe’s opening words. “Thank you?”
“No, really. I admire you. You’re one of the bravest people I know.” Phe’s gaze was direct, for once, no sign of the usual playfulness. “I can see it, this whole thing seriously freaked you out. But, you never once backed down or gave up on me, or Forrest.” Phe paused, swallowed. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to talk before this, and I’m sorry I left you to figure this out on your own. You’ve been a wonderful friend, Blue, and I… I let you down.” Tears gathered in Phe’s eyes.
“No! No, you haven’t been a bad friend. You’ve been a wonderful friend. Don’t think I haven’t seen you defending me to some of the other students. I know what they’ve been saying. And, I’m not brave. I’ve been terrified these last weeks, terrified I’d lose you. Did you know, you and Kevin, and now Forrest, are the only f
riends I’ve had that I can tell anything to? Do you know how wonderful that is? How important to me? You are a great friend, Phe.” A small pang of guilt hit her when she recalled she had yet to tell any of them that she decided to take a gap year before college. It had just never seemed to be the right time, not with Kevin, and not with Forrest. She’d have to tell them soon, find out about their own plans. Now that she had them all back, a little distance wouldn’t keep them apart.
They stared at one another, then burst out laughing. “We’re a pair, aren’t we? Crying in the bathroom at school. If Derrick were here he’d tease us about being so ‘girly’,” Blue said.
“And then he’d join in, mock-crying, just for the fun of it,” Phe finished for her.
They spent a minute imagining the scene – Blue could see it perfectly. After a minute she asked what she’d been wanting to for what seemed forever. “How are you doing with Phillip gone?”
Phe’s brows drew together in a slight frown. “It’s strange, actually. I miss him, so badly, but it’s like I’m missing the 8-year-old version of him, the one that was always up to some mischief with the cousins, while Kevin tried to stop them, and I laughed my ass off. The last few years he’d not been the same person. It started so slowly I didn’t really notice at first. The mischief never used to be mean, but lately there was anger and resentment mixed in. He’d go on rants about Jason and the team, or some other person he felt had wronged him in some way. He’d hide it in front of other, but it was always there, I could always see it.
Behind These Blue Eyes: Between The Adventures (The Adventures of Blue Faust Book 2) Page 6