by Holly Ice
He twisted his hands with worry, but this decision was easy. Aina would never reject him, and she was stubborn enough not to let this go. ‘Watch the video and get this over with. It’s not worth agonising over the possibilities.’
He stared at the door to my cabin.
I recognised that mopey look, halfway between lust and guilt, all too well. Was that what his blush was about yesterday? Had he gone back to his ex? ‘Don’t go there. Your mum will never recover if you go back to him after how he treated you. I’m not sure I would, either.’
Ludis stood, his back stiff. ‘That’s rich, coming from someone who slept with Micah, repeatedly.’ He reclaimed his charger and left. I’d gone too far.
‘Ludis, wait.’ I hurried out the door. ‘We can sort this. Talk to me.’
‘Leave it alone.’ His head disappeared below deck.
I rushed to the railing and peered down.
He glared. ‘I mean it. I need time alone. No you, no Mum, and no Ryan, I promise.’
‘You’ll find me if you need me?’
‘I can find you.’ He continued down, leaving me in the empty hallway.
I fretted at the railing. If I remembered right, Dad should be off shift.
My parents’ door slid open almost as soon as I hit the buzzer. Mum stopped me short. Rather than messy hair and scruffy coveralls, she wore a freshly washed and pressed shirt and trousers, an outfit I rarely saw her in outside official occasions, and she didn’t have a screen in her hands, which was rarer still. Her eyes were darker too, bordered by… eyeliner? What had dragged her from her lab reports in that state?
She avoided my gaze, almost as if she were guilty of something.
‘Shouldn’t you be on shift?’ I asked.
Her lips flattened to a thin line. ‘I swapped shifts.’ She looked to the living room. ‘Want to sit?’ Her tone almost asked me to say no.
What was she hiding? I frowned, followed her to the old guest sofa bed, and pulled my legs up onto the cushions. ‘Is something wrong? Is Dad okay?’
‘He’s fine.’
‘Why are you dressed up?’
‘I had an important meeting this morning.’
‘What about?’
‘You, actually.’
‘Me?’ Why would she… I was a nobody, and yet the captain knew I’d faked my substandard test results. I balled my hands into fists. Now I’d never know whether she’d contacted me from her research, or from mother’s prompting. I gritted my teeth. ‘I told you not to get involved.’
Mum crossed her arms. ‘The captain was very receptive. She agreed you’d be a great fit for this team. You need to believe in yourself and show the others what you can do. How else are they going to see you for the person you are and not the disappointment you hide behind?’
‘Disappointment? Thanks, Mum, but I chose this. I wanted to stay outside the tank kid drama, all the hate. I’ve told you that.’
‘And you’re doing so well. Siti’s mum told me about the blue pancakes you gave Ashoka, and the scene in the food hall this morning. Then there’s the tirade you went on during the celebration party below decks…’
I winced. ‘The blue food wasn’t intentional.’
Mum shook her head. ‘You don’t make life easy for yourself. People won’t like you just because you exist. You have to make an effort.’
‘These people stuffed me inside an access hatch and screwed me in. They’re not people I should befriend.’ And I was nineteen. I could make my own decisions without her interference.
‘I wish you’d told me at the time. We could have dealt with this before you hid yourself in food.’
Irony was, I did hide. I realised that now, but admitting that made her actions seem valid. I couldn’t give her that, not when her interference took the joy from my application. The captain hadn’t seen the real me. No, this ‘opportunity’ had come about because my mother had decided I should change, and the captain wanted a kin kid poster girl.
‘When it happened, you were too busy researching a gene mutation to notice I was missing. Dad found me, banging on the walls two decks below C-15. He helped me put my mask back on for the tank kids. I’m not sure how you would have dealt with it, but’ – I spread my arms wide – ‘this is the mess you create when you try to help.’
She looked to the door.
Dad was there, arms slack by his sides as he let out the longest sigh. ‘I’m sorry, Liese. I wish I’d said something.’
‘You agree with her? Great, just great.’ I stood and shoved past Dad.
‘Errai, stay, please. She heard you. Let her fix things.’
I couldn’t. My own mother had called me a disappointment, my father had agreed, and my best friend had told me to give him peace. I needed a break.
The door closed behind me, and I rushed down levels until I faced the chunky lettering for C-8. This deck was busier than mine, filled with young tank kids new to independence, and volume control. Music blared behind doors, competing styles trying to outlast or dominate the others. The hallway was clashing beats. Chaos, but it drowned my thoughts.
I circled the deck and was halfway through my third loop when I slammed into a hard body. Quinn.
‘You’re moving with force.’ He glanced around, his smile fading. ‘Didn’t you and Micah call it off?’
‘We did.’ Oh, we’d collided by Micah’s door. Still, this was the most we’d said to each other in months. It could be called progress.
‘You know you deserve better.’
‘Do I?’ I raised an eyebrow and waited for him to explain himself.
Whatever Micah’s faults, Quinn didn’t have the moral high ground. I missed his friendship, what I’d thought we were, but he had no place telling me what I deserved after he’d compared me to tank kids for a rapt audience.
‘I did something awful, but I cared about you. Micah only wants the next girl between his sheets. You must know that.’
Could we not have collided somewhere else, anywhere else? The light over Micah’s door caught my eye. Red, for do not disturb. That’s why Quinn was lecturing me. ‘He’s in there with someone, isn’t he?’
His chin dropped. ‘Yes. I’m sorry.’
‘Did you see who it was?’ I wasn’t upset. Micah was an outlet rather than a love interest.
‘No, but I know he’s been seeing the girl from the party.’
‘Why not just tell me, save us standing here?’
‘I didn’t think you’d want to know.’
‘I don’t need you to filter what I hear.’
‘Errai, I…’
He reached for me, but I put my hand up. Credit to him, he stopped. ‘I’ve had a bad day, and I don’t need this on top. Another time, okay?’
I went for the stairs at a brisk walk and headed down, and down, and down. Through deck C-12, C-15, and into the maintenance levels, past the algae farms and garden levels, dodging occasional workers until they disappeared and I was finally alone to think. The silence was beautiful, and cold.
* * *
My eyes ached to shut after a restless night and my stomach was a rumbling pit by the time I hauled myself to the food hall. Near every table and chair was occupied. It had to be shift change. I bit my lip but knew I wouldn’t last the hour it took for the room to clear out, so I veered around the first table. No one noticed me, but as I passed the second table, I heard the mutters; ‘lazy kin kid’ and ‘foolish child thinks she can compete’ set the tone. These heckles soon deteriorated into threats to withdraw from the programme. I kept moving, biting my lip to remove its quiver. This. This was what I was afraid of.
I tried to navigate through the maze of people and chairs but hit a dead end in a narrow walkway where two chairs almost backed up against each other. Micah sat in one and a senior navigation member in the other. Neither shifted.
Micah noticed me first. ‘Heard you came to my cabin last night. It’s a habit, right? But applying for the exploration team?’ He chuckled. ‘Really?’
> I knew he’d moved on, but was I so low in his estimations?
The man blocking the other half of my route twisted round and looked me over. ‘I’m not worried about my chances. Go to your business, girl. Get out of here.’ He shoved me back a step.
I hooked a chair leg and fell over. My side throbbed but I gritted my teeth and raised my chin.
Rima stood and took in the scene from the next table over. ‘Enough, boys. Everyone has an equal chance to apply. And, Tyler, if I see you assaulting applicants again, I’ll personally ensure you never make the shortlist. Is that understood?’
I bit back a smile. Rima supported me.
The older man ducked his head at the rebuke. Micah smirked.
Rima nodded to me and resumed her prior conversation. The committee were discussing what the scans could and couldn’t pick up, and how close we needed to be to receive further data. Usually I’d be eavesdropping to the last word, but my stomach needed sustenance more than my head needed knowledge.
Since Tyler had turned his back and Micah had pulled his new girl half into his lap, both without moving their chairs an inch, I backtracked.
Muttered insults and snide conversations grew steadily worse as I searched the hall for a friendly face, my confidence already wearing thin. Ludis, my parents… I was willing to mend fissures with any of them for a chance to eat dinner with friends, but my parents weren’t here and Ludis was too focused on Ashoka and the other tank kids on his table to notice me.
Wait. Ashoka and Ludis were holding hands. No wonder he’d mentioned Ashoka’s video. Ashoka had been friendly recently, too. And Ludis’s blush. They had to be dating. I was an idiot, and I should apologise.
‘Ludis, can I talk to you?’
I hovered by his shoulder. The other tank kids ogled me but he refused to turn around, and I couldn’t apologise to his back. I opened my mouth to try again when he heaved in a huge breath and sighed it out. He finally looked at me, his eyes bloodshot with deep, dark bags underneath.
‘Can we not do this now?’
I looked again at how many people were watching this play out. ‘We can go somewhere else?’
‘Mum had a rough night.’
‘Oh.’ Looked like he had, too. His mum’s grief must have resurfaced after the announcement. ‘Sure, yeah. We can do this another time.’
Ludis closed his eyes. Only then did his forehead smooth. He turned toward Ashoka and kissed his cheek. I’d be lying if I said their closeness didn’t hurt after I was thrown aside, but I understood. We had things to work through, and he needed a day off.
So I patched my pride and wormed my way past everyone, until I was free of the tables and in front of the food counter.
Two people were already in the queue, and I used the wait to imagine Tyler and Micah’s pinched faces if I was on the shortlist. The image brought the smallest smile to my lips. Words hurt, but they couldn’t stop me.
‘You eating or not?’ Raul asked, his usual friendly smile around his chubby, age spotted cheeks.
All the tables were full, but I couldn’t skip food. ‘Please. I’ll take a tray, too.’
‘Good idea. Not a great reception, huh?’
I met Raul’s eyes, hoping for sympathy, but even he smirked as he slopped soup into my bowl. My throat ached, ready to force tears, and I hated myself and my stupid body.
* * *
Tears under control, I felt for the edge of each stair around my food tray. My back was sore from yesterday’s shift and rubbed rawer from Ludis’s dismissal on top of the crew’s reaction. I was lazy, an idiot, a fool, dumb, deaf, and useless. Would it be better to withdraw? They’d gloat, but after, this would go away. I’d go away, and they’d get exactly what they wanted.
Sighing, I tested the side of my soup bowl. It was warm, but cooling fast. I’d need to hurry to my room, because I wasn’t backtracking for a second portion.
I sniffed the air and frowned. Was it my soup that smelt like algae? Had Raul done something to it? He’d never tried before. He was a stickler for doing things the same, every single day, with every plate of food. But… something smelt. I sniffed the liquid, my nose almost in it, but it didn’t smell like anything other than carrot soup. The bread on my plate was fine too, so I shrugged it off as a funky smell in the air system and opened my cabin door.
Oh. I gripped the tray hard enough for the bowl to shake. The spoon clanked against its edge. My room was red. I took a breath, and another, each faster and shallower until my lungs clawed in air without time to breathe out.
They’d told me in the food hall how much they wanted me away from this project. And here they’d painted their hate.
A stinking red river swam from the entrance to each inner door, and each algae trail was bordered by footprints. I counted the different sizes. At least five people.
Had they gone through my underwear and cupboards? Had they sat in my bed, used my bathroom? Had it been hard for them to break in, or had someone in civil service given them my code? I shivered, imagining them touring my room like a zoo, their hands running down the walls, examining the bed sheets, and leaving it like this as a punishment, a reminder to keep in line.
The bed was the worst. There, they’d placed solid algae in lashes across the duvet, as if the white was whipped.
I worked my way to the bed, stepping over algae stains, and pulled back the duvet. Red spread across the sheets, as if a body had bled out, and a small circular pool lay on my pillow. No point reporting the threat – to be this bold, they’d have erased the security footage. I had no doubt they’d be smiling in the food hall, laughing and joking about how I was going to have to clear this up for hours, how my sheets would be stained pink, how I would be shaking when they next looked at me, fearful for them carrying out their threat but… I couldn’t give them that. I couldn’t give them that power over me.
The sheets could be burned, the deck scrubbed, and the walls had, thankfully, been left alone. It was the violation of my private space that hurt most, not knowing what they had done in my room without my knowledge, what little surprises they might have left for me to find hours or days from now, and what I might never know.
I gathered my bed sheets, remade the bed, found my sodden, stained clothes, and ate each space-cold, watery, tasteless mouthful of my soup, the spoon sliding over my tongue as I fought each swallow, slipping down my throat like gloopy snot. And when I was done, I tapped my comm.
‘Resume questions.’
‘Resuming.’
This application might have ruined any hope I had of peace and privacy on this ship, and it hadn’t gained me respect – at least not yet – but I’d endure it, because no one who did this should go unchallenged. And then I was grinning, chuckling, and laughing for so long the questions paused and I was pushed into hiccoughs. They’d be feral with anger if they knew they’d given me the incentive I needed!
* * *
Two days later, my application was finally done, and it was my rest day. I walked into the food hall in my reddest top and badly stained jeans, everything beneath the knee a reddish brown. No one gasped or asked what I’d done. The results of their ‘prank’ would have travelled the decks long before I finished fixing it. The many eyes that fastened onto my sideshow and quickly looked away confirmed it. The room was packed with people who knew exactly what had happened in my room.
I searched for Ludis. There, by Ashoka. He caught my gaze and nodded. He was surrounded by tank kids, so I didn’t join him, but the small support steeled my nerves. I’d do this alone, just like I’d applied. I skirted my parents’ table and headed for an open wall to wait.
Rima turned in a slow circle, encompassing the room. ‘Please find your seats. Exploration candidates are anxious to know how they fared.’
I slid to the floor but kept my focus on Rima. I needed to know if this was worth it, if the answers that flowed like water off my tongue had come easy for a good reason. I knew I’d done well in botany and the topics Mum blathered on ab
out (those, unfortunately, had sunk in like osmosis), but physics and engineering were another matter. From Yara’s tense shoulders, I wasn’t the only one suffering nerves.
‘It’s good to have my crew in one room again,’ Rima said. Grunts and mumbles followed but the gossips and mutterers fell quiet quick. ‘Two hundred and fifty-two applied for a position on the exploration team. I’m happy to say twenty-five passed academic testing, as well as all physical and mental tests.’
A large percentage. Some cabinet members smiled, but most looked disgruntled, as if they’d lost their favourite applicant in the weaning process… or perhaps they’d failed to qualify? Sabine’s expression was most pained, which was surprising. As head of colonial studies, I’d thought she’d have more sway.
‘Who got in?’ Yara asked.
‘I’m getting to that. The following people were shortlisted.’ Rima pulled up a file on her comm. ‘Please stand if your name is called.’ She pressed play. Names came in no particular order, at least not one I could discern from remembered school test scores or apparent physical fitness.
Tables to my left and ahead clapped at the first two names, then tables behind me. And then Yara Dolma, Siti Liu, Ashoka Petrov, and Ratan Rajavi were called. Most of their table. The applause rose over the recording as they stood. Of course it did. They were the favourites of my generation.
‘Quiet, please,’ Rima said, restarting the recording. The crew settled, and the recording continued with, ‘Errai Avila’.
I couldn’t get a full breath. Every head in the room swung around and down, pinning me to the spot, sneers turning to snickers when I stayed put.
I found my feet and leant against the wall. I’d done it, taken a place for myself, and the look on that asshole Tyler’s face was sweet. I nodded to Rima. She smiled back.
‘Congratulations, Errai. You completed the academic tests in the fastest time, with one hundred percent accuracy for colonial studies and food. I hope you do as well in the group challenges.’
One hundred percent? That’s insane. And she’d told everyone. I gritted my teeth. With that level of success, other applicants would want to beat me down to size.