by Mia Ford
“I kinda find it naughty that you are playing the field. It makes me that much more anxious to win you over. Damn, I forgot about these curves and the way that your body screams for the satisfaction that it deserves. You know that we have been intimate. I do have a road map of your body in my mind that I play over and over again. I will never forget the day that we consummated our relationship on the football field. The next day when I took to the field, I couldn’t stop smiling or bringing to life the moment that you cried out in orgasmic joy. I wasn’t exactly pure as the driven snow, but I knew that you were. You took a chance on a man that really didn’t give you any reason to think that I was a one-woman kind of guy. For the rest of that year, we were inseparable and I don’t mean to brag, but I think that I gave you some of the best orgasms of your life.” I wanted to refute his claim, but there was no way that I could without lying through my teeth.
“I can’t do this right now. I need you to leave and to give me space. I will leave you with one thought. You made me feel like I wasn’t worth it to stand beside you in your career. I don’t know how I’m supposed to ever get over something like that. I’ve always struggled with my weight and you didn’t make it any easier by making me think that you were embarrassed to have me in your life.” I’d wanted to say this to him the last day of high school, but I was too naïve and hurt by his betrayal to do much of anything. I could only stare at him as he walked out of my life.
“I apologize for making you feel that way. It wasn’t right and I was stupid to think that I could do better.” I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I closed the door with my heart beating and my palms sweating. I had this need to jump either guy and have my way with them. I was actually thinking that maybe I could have my cake and eat it too, but that would’ve been asking for way too much.
“I’ve never known you to play two guys against each other. I told you that Jones was going to realize the mistake that he made. I’ve heard all about him and that twinkle in your eye is hard to ignore.” It was 5:00 AM in the morning and I had barged in on Gemini sleeping to get her two cents worth.
“I just don’t know what to do. I thought that I had Jones out of my system, but all those feelings resurfaced when I saw him standing at my door. His voice was like a whisper in the wind. I’m powerless when I’m around him. I thought that I was never going to see him again. August is my future and Jones is my past.” I wanted to believe that, but those memories never did fade over time. Jones had always been the measuring stick that I used when I found myself even remotely in a relationship.
“You say that, but I’m not sure that you really believe that. You have every right to the way that you feel. There was no closure to end your relationship with Jones. This might be your one opportunity to finally tell him that it’s over. I’m a little concerned that you weren’t able to do that last night. It made him believe that you’re not over him. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can give you some of my sage advice. You can’t have both of them no matter what fantasy might manifest in that naughty little mind of yours. It would never work which means that you’re going to have to decide on one or the other. They both have that same attitude toward women. They both think that they are god’s gift. It appears that you have a type. Do you think that the reason why you have been keeping August from getting close is because he reminded you too much of Jones?” I hadn’t thought of that, but now that she had broached the topic it did ring with a bit of truth.
“I’m glad that you’re being the voice of reason. I’m not sure that I could even think straight with the both of them running around in my mind. I really did have the intention of rocking his world last night. I would be right now basking in the afterglow. There’s a part of me that wants to go to Jones and tell him that he needs to leave me alone. I tried last night, but I instead put him off like I was weighing my options.” They both had the capacity to love with all of their heart. It was a no-win situation. Someone was going to get hurt and it was going to be because of me. I wasn’t ready for that kind of responsibility.
“Until you figure out what you’re going to do then they both should remain off limits. If it were me, I would test drive both to see which stick feels better. I know that’s not how you do things. You let your feelings take control of you. I think that it’s kinda cute, but also leaves you with a decision to make. Do you take a chance on someone that hurt you like that or do you run off to the orient with August? It all comes down to what you feel right here.” She reached out and touched my heart. I knew that she was right.
“I sometimes find myself turning my back on love completely. I need to break down those walls that I have put up because of Jones. August has done his best to chip through to the other side. I thought last night was finally going to make it crumble for good. I need to find out if the love that I had for Jones is still there. The only way to find out is to spend some time with him alone and in private. You gave me a lot to think about and I appreciate that.” We had been talking for almost 2 hours and it was time for me to get ready for work. It wasn’t going to be easy to get my head in the game.
“Jones is not going to be a part of your past until you are able to finally say that you don’t need him. Don’t get lost in the feelings that you have for him before. You may find out that he’s the same man that you remember. He may look different on the surface, but men don’t change. There’s no way that you could possibly say that you’re the same person that you were when you first met him.” She was sitting there on the couch with that one lone blanket over top of her naked frame. I didn’t ask her to cover up and it felt perfectly natural to speak about my feelings with her wearing only a smile.
“I understand what you’re trying to say. I need to find out if he is a man that I can trust with my heart again. I was a basket case when he left me. It hardened my heart and made me suspect of anyone that wanted to get close. I’m not sure what I’m going to say to August. He deserves the truth and for me to be completely honest for this to work. I want to be that kind of girl and we never did say that this was exclusive. It’s a small distinction and one that I feel horrible to make. I need to get a cold shower and I think you know the reason why. If I don’t do something about this pent up sexual frustration, then I’m not going to be worth much of anything negotiating with Lionel.” She grabbed my hand and it was that strength that I needed to feel like I was breathing normally again.
“Trust in your heart and it will always lead you to the one that you’re supposed to be with. I only wish that I could take that same advice. I would love to have that one that completes me. I’m just not sure that I could settle for one when there is a smorgasbord of different men out there for me to try. I find that life offers wonders that you couldn’t possibly understand unless you lived in my shoes. Going to China is going to allow you to stretch your wings. I am a little jealous of you. I know how it feels to take that leap of faith for the first time. It’s exhilarating and terrifying beyond words.” She did have a unique insight and one that I would be a damn fool not to take advantage of.
“I’m finally going to find out what it is like to live. I do feel that it’s time for me to broaden my horizons. I have to stop living in this little box that I have made for myself. I want that freedom to live for the moment and not just because I have to.” I wanted to go to China, but how could I win this Damocles sword over my head. It was swinging back and forth threatening to destroy everything that I had built with August for something more familiar. Just how familiar that was had never been fully investigated.
I went to the bathroom turning on the water and I stepped under the cool spray to feel that heat that I had for both men diminishing slightly. There was still that lingering ember when I finally emerged. That was never going to go away and being close to either man was going to turn it back up a notch.
I was going to drive myself crazy with all of these what ifs. I left Gemini sleeping yet again. I really did believe that she was contributing in a small way. There
were no money exchanging hands, but I wouldn’t have taken her money even if she offered it. She was one of my dearest friends and if she needed something, I was damn well going to be there to give it to her.
Sitting in my car after driving 20 minutes to the office was keeping me immobile with my hands still clasping the steering wheel. The engine was off and I was looking at the front door to the building and trying to will myself to leave the comfort and security of the car.
I heard the knocking on my window and I turned abruptly to see that August had somehow seen me arrive. “I hope that you’re not going to sit in there all day. It was only by luck that I saw you out of my window. I’m sure that you’re feeling nervous, but we need to put that aside for business. Lionel is here and I didn’t want to get into it with him without you standing by my side. You’re the one that’s going to have to decide if you can still work with me. I feel like there is still a lot that we need to say to one another. I took the liberty of making reservations at a small bistro that I think that you’ll like. I want this to work out. I’ve never fought for any woman in my life, but I’m willing to do that for you. I’m just not sure what I’m fighting against.” I took a deep breath, steeled myself for the heat that was generated by us. I opened the door and I stood up in front of him feeling like my legs had turned to jelly.
“I was afraid that you were going to think that I wasn’t worth it.” Jones had given me that feeling in the past. I thought that it was going to be a repeat performance all over again with August. He had said repeatedly that I was his type. It wasn’t my weight that was in contention. It was my reluctance to let him in. I had allowed someone like Julia to step in to show him that it didn’t have to be this hard.
“There is nothing that would make me think that.” August took my hand and led me into the building. I thought that people were weak when they couldn’t say what was on their mind, but now I understood exactly where they were coming from.
“I don’t know how you can say that after everything that I’ve done. I haven’t made it easy for you. I find that time is fleeting. You never know what’s going to happen next. It’s that uncertainty that drives people to do some of the most insane things. That’s where the bucket list comes into play. That’s why people feel that it’s necessary to do things before that final judgment day.” I had purposely worn something that showed very little skin with the button of my blouse all the way up to the neck. I looked more like a librarian that had too many cats and no love life to speak of.
“It sounds very Biblical and I’ve never been much for religion. I want you to know that you can say anything to me.” He had already given me the impression that he knew that something was going on. He wasn’t trying to fix things and he just wanted to be somebody that I could talk to. It wasn’t sure how that was going to work.
“I have enough friends and I don’t need one more. I don’t mean to be harsh, but I want something that is going to keep me guessing until the day that I die. I want a man that continually surprises me and pushes me creatively in and out of the bedroom. You do that for me on one front and I don’t think that I could feel any luckier even if I wanted to.” We went up in the elevator and I was tempted to push him up against the wall like he had done to me. I felt that it might be time to turn the tables.
“Lionel looks happy, but you can never know with his poker face. I told him that I didn’t want to know his insights until you were able to be there to hear them for yourself. I don’t think that he appreciates the value that you bring to this business. He’s accepting of it, but I’m not sure that he fully has it in him to give you the kind of respect that you deserve.” I didn’t need his assurances. I was a big girl and I could take any kind of criticism with a grain of salt. Everybody had their opinions. It didn’t necessarily mean that one or the other was right.
Lionel was quite receptive to the changes that we had made for his other three buildings. He didn’t have any other projects and that was good considering that we were going to be leaving the country very shortly. I was still worried that I wasn’t going be able to follow him to this wonderful new adventure on the horizon.
I sat here picking at my food and not having much of an appetite. Everything smelled delicious and what I did sample made me a believer. I kept looking up at him bashful and shy about what was going to come out of my mouth next.
“Is this too much? It is a bit silly of me to think that romance is the answer to all of our problems.” I didn’t know what to say and I could tell from the glaring expression of the chef peeking through the door that he wasn’t very happy that I was doing him a disservice by not eating his food.
It was very romantic with checkered tablecloths and a lone candle to light the way to my heart. I could see other couples in the dim light of their candles showing affection by touching hands and looking longingly into each other’s eyes. Every time that I tried to stare into August’s eyes it made me feel guilty and I had to turn away.
“I hope that you don’t take any offense, but I’m really not that hungry.” I pushed the plate aside and then I took a deep breath and willed myself to walk from the shadows into the light. “There’s somebody else. He showed up unexpectedly. God help me… I have feelings for two men. I feel like I should just let both of you go for your own sake. I should be alone and you certainly don’t need this drama. I thought that it best that I tell you so that you know what you’re up against. This is not a new relationship. This is the one that got away. I sound like a storyline from one of those daytime soap operas.” He looked like I had just told him that his pet had died.
He put his fork down with a piece of Angus beef still clinging to the tines. He picked up his wine and took a sip. That sip turned into one swallow after another until he had drained it down to the last drop. I could see that he was trying to remain calm. He did not look very happy and that awkward silence was killing me.
“I’m glad that you told me. It says a lot for our relationship that you are willing, to be honest. I can’t tell you how to feel. Working with you has been easy. Being with you has been hard, but I thought that we were on the right track. Can you at least tell me how you are leaning in one direction or another? I shouldn’t even ask and putting you on the spot is not going to help matters any. If I thought that it would do any good, I would call him out to a duel with the last man standing to get the lady.” It was nice of him to think in that antiquated way, but it also reminding me that I was dealing with more than enough testosterone. Putting them together would only cause a fight that might end up with the both of them in the emergency room.
“I do feel better for getting that off my chest, August. Jones is the one that I thought I was going to end up with. I had our wedding planned down to the tiniest detail. I’m sure that a lot of girls in their teenage years had that fantasy. He told me that he loved me and I believed him. It was after graduation that he finally admitted that he thought that he could do better. He didn’t come out and say that it was because of my size, but I knew that was the underlying reason.” Thinking back on that day was the hardest thing that I had ever done in my life. I thought that he was better than those guys that laughed behind my back or said things underneath their breath that was a little disparaging.
“I would really like to have a word with him in private. Give me 5 minutes alone with him and I promise that he will apologize for his actions. I can’t be responsible for his safety, but I will beat an apology out of him for you.” I felt like he was my knight in shining armor ready to ride to my rescue on his white steed.
“It would do no good for either one of you to be in the same room together. This has nothing to do with the two of you. This has everything to do with the way that he made me feel and the way that you make me feel. He is that blast from the past that stopped us from showing our feelings last night. I was stupid to throw him into the closet, but I can assure you that he did not stay after you left. I told him that I needed time.” I wanted him to know everything, so ther
e weren’t any surprises that were going to make him see me as some kind of a conniving bitch.
“There comes a time in everybody’s life that we reevaluate. It could be that Jones lost his way and he thinks that you might be the path to redemption. There’s just one thing that I need to know. If this is love between us, then why does it scare me out of my mind? I’m still trying to figure how I ever won your love. What did I do and what did I possibly say that made you think that I can be trusted? You make me want to be a better man. I want to be someone worthy of the kind of love that you can give me every day. I don’t like this feeling of not knowing.” I was worried that he was going to put an end to this before it began.
“I haven’t made any decisions. I promise that you will be the first to know. I’m going to go out on a limb and tell you that I’m going to see him again. I think that I need to know if what I felt for him was real or something that was more of a crush. You don’t have to like it, but you need to give me that time to find out. I’m going to do everything in my power to give you the answer that you need before we leave. I wouldn’t even dream of putting you in a position to work with me if things didn’t work out. If that were to happen, I will gladly give you my resignation, so that we don’t have to see each other ever again. It’s obvious to me that you can do this alone, but I will say that working with you has been a learning experience in more ways than one. We do seem to bring the best out of each other and sometimes the worst. It all goes hand in hand.” Now that I had unburdened my soul, I was getting my appetite back. I devoured everything on my plate and found the sauce to be something that I wanted to bring home to cook with.
I turned with one eye to see that the chef was elated that I had finally given his food a raving recommendation. I thought that he was going to rush over to the table and say something. It probably took all of his willpower not to do that, but he left us to finish our meal.