by Various
“Uh, yeah there is, Dad. You know how I know?” She didn’t wait for him to answer.
“’Cuz I saw one. She woke you up Friday night. And then last night, I thought I heard you crying again, so I went in your room to check on you. She was sitting on your bed touching your hair like Mom does when I don’t feel good.”
His heart stopped while he processed what she’d said. He hadn’t realized Haley had looked in on him last night. A flush crept up his neck as he remembered the erection he’d had before dawn. He hoped to God she hadn’t come in then. Thankfully, her words reminded him of the gentle caresses that had taken the edge off the car-wreck dreams, which had happened earlier.
But that comfort had been in his dreams. How had Haley seen?
“She had pretty red hair,” she said, oblivious to his confusion. “But not red like Rebecca’s. It was darker. And she looked worried about you. Don’t you know who she is? Was it someone who died a long time ago?” She tapped the computer screen. “It says here sometimes deceased loved ones from your past hang around and look out for you, like watch over you. I think she was watching over you. I like her. She seems nice.”
Dark red hair, as in rich auburn waves. His legs felt weak. He gripped the back of a chair as he moved around the table. Crouching, he wiggled the griddle from amidst the pots and pans in the cupboard.
“There’s no such thing as ghosts, honey.” He clunked the griddle onto the counter and flipped the laptop closed. “It’s pancake time.”
* * * *
Derek cleaned up after dinner to the sound of crinkling plastic and excited feminine chatter. Haley sat cross-legged on the kitchen floor de-tagging half of Target’s stock of curtains, pillows and rugs. The kid seemed more excited about helping him spiff up his house than about the two bags of school clothes languishing by the front door, where he’d dropped them before grilling up kebobs. Apparently, she’d inherited the decorating gene from Deidre.
He turned from the sink to face a kitchen that looked like a landfill for the mounds of shopping bags, crumpled packaging material and random piles of colorful fabric—holy hell, was that pink leopard print?
“That better be for your room,” he said, indicating the fuzzy pink pillows and glittery fabric occupying one of the kitchen chairs.
“Duh, dad.”
Guess he ought to think about getting rid of all the stuffed animals in there. She was growing up so fast. Maybe it seemed faster since he only saw her on the weekends.
“And these are going to look awesome in your room,” she said, holding up a wad of sheer blue fabric he guessed to be curtains. They matched the blue whorls and arcs in the silver-gray king-size comforter she’d picked out for his bed. “Just imagine waking up to this color every morning!”
In Target, he’d found Haley’s selections for his room on the feminine side, but here in his house, he liked the colors, especially the blue. There was something familiar about it. The doorbell gonged in the living room, derailing his train of thought.
Over the last two years, he’d learned to dread the sound of his doorbell. No one ever rang it but Deidre. Always at eight sharp on Sunday night. Always reminding him he wasn’t like other dads. He had to squish in his time with his kid between Friday’s five-o’clock news and Sunday-night’s SportsCenter. He’d lost the freedom to enjoy Haley week round when he’d failed in his marriage.
“Is that Mom?” Haley knelt on the linoleum with a gold-and-rust striped pillow in one hand and a brass curtain rod in the other. Her eyebrows slanted with disappointment, probably because she didn’t want to stop in the middle of her project.
“’Fraid so, kiddo. Time flies when you’re having fun.” He offered a hand to help her step out of the quagmire of crinkly plastic, but she ignored it, bounding into the living room and throwing open the door.
“Hi, Mom!”
“Hi, babe!” Deidre strode in wearing a stylish denim jacket over a lacy top that looked more like lingerie than a shirt, and wrapped Haley in a long hug. “Missed you.” Her eyes darted to the two overflowing bags of school clothes on the floor. “This looks like a lot, Derek. Are you sure you can afford all this?”
How many times did he have to tell her he was doing okay? He never missed a child support check, and he pitched in with expenses like clothes and school supplies all the time. He was sick of her treating him like he was one step away from collecting food stamps. She might make more than him, but he lived a hell of a lot more modestly than she did.
“Mm-hmm.” Probably best to keep his mouth shut. She couldn’t pick apart mumbled responses, could she?
She shot him a warning with her eyes. “I’m not judging you,” the look said, but it was a lie. Deidre ran on judging him. It was her fuel. She didn’t know how else to be. She’d lose animation if she ever stopped pointing out the thousand-and-one ways he was an inferior parent.
“Dad also let me pick out curtains and throw pillows and rugs and a ton of stuff to make his house way better.”
The tension sailed over Haley’s head. Thank God.
He and Deidre would never be more than passably cordial to each other, but he’d be damned if he’d let Haley grow up refereeing fights between them. He didn’t want her to fear his moods. Kids deserved to run carefree, not walk on eggshells.
Deidre’s perfectly-lined eyes bugged out. “I hope you didn’t bully him into buying too much.” She raised her voice at the end to compensate for the distance as Haley ran back to her booty in the kitchen. “You didn’t let her talk you into spending too much, did you?”
He pulled at his hair, something he only seemed to do around his ex. “Jesus, we went to Target, not some frou-frou shop where a lamp shade costs five hundred dollars.”
Deidre held up her hands. “Fine, fine. Sorry. It’s your money.” She looked around the living room as though seeing it for the first time. It stretched the whole front of the house and had built-in bookcases along one wall. He had a few books scattered here and there, including a collection of Hardy Boys books he’d read as a kid, but for the most part, the shelves were bare. A black leather couch and recliner set with glass end tables faced the forty-two-inch plasma TV hanging above a fireplace he’d never used. He’d hung blinds for privacy on the huge front window, but he hadn’t bothered with curtains. The only color in the room was the green of field turf or the brilliant HD pop of numbered uniforms when he had a game on TV.
“Hmm. I guess the place could use some personality,” Deidre said. “It still looks like it did when you moved in. If you were selling, I’d have a list of recommendations a mile long.”
If he were selling, she’d be the last realtor he’d choose. Okay, that wasn’t true. She was good at her job. But the idea of spending a single minute longer with her than absolutely necessary was only slightly more attractive than the idea of shooting himself in the foot with a nail gun.
From the kitchen, Haley called out, “Hey, what if Mom stays and we have a curtain hanging party?”
He and Deidre spoke at the same time. “Your mom doesn’t want to stay.” “I could do that. Sounds like fun.”
Haley appeared in the doorway, a smile as big as the California sun on her face.
Everyone looked at each other.
Deidre smirked. “You really want to hang curtains by yourself?”
Kind of. He was running on fumes after a full-steam, non-stop day with Haley, and he desperately wanted a good night’s sleep after two nights of weird nightmares. “No, it’s just getting late. I thought you’d want to get Haley home.”
“It’s only eight. And it’s still summer vacation for another week and a half. She doesn’t have to go to bed ’til ten. What do you say, babe, want to help your dad out for an hour or so?”
“Yay!” Haley disappeared into the kitchen. “I want to do the living room first,” she shouted over the crinkling of shopping bags. “That’s the first thing people see when they come in.”
“That’s my girl. High-impact areas need high-
impact ideas.” Deidre sauntered into the kitchen, dropping her jacket over the back of a chair. “Whoa, what a disaster! Let’s get organized, bug. Living room stuff on the table. Bedroom stuff on the floor—oh, never mind. The floor is filthy. Counter—oh, for the love of—” She unleashed a sigh of unbridled annoyance, and he heard her run the sink and wring out a sponge.
He stood in his living room pulling at his hair. His lungs felt like they wanted to explode.
Only Deidre could send him from breathing easy to ready to blow in the blink of an eye. He swallowed the urge to yell and headed into the fray.
“I was in the middle of cleaning up after dinner when you showed up,” he said.
“You had dinner late, huh?” She ripped the tag off a forest green bath mat with her teeth.
“It wasn’t that late. We had a busy day, didn’t we, kiddo?”
Haley saved him from having to interact with Her Royal Highness of Parenthood by telling her mom all about their weekend. The pair moved out of the kitchen and began swathing his living room in bright yellows and oranges. “An autumn palate” Deidre called it, praising Haley’s taste. He left them to it and finished cleaning up from dinner.
After a while, Deidre came into the kitchen. “Some coffee would be nice.”
Busy emptying the dishwasher, he nodded at the coffee maker. “Help yourself. Ground beans in the fridge.”
“How hospitable of you,” she muttered on her way to the fridge. “It’s a wonder you don’t have company banging on your door every night with those manners.”
He clenched his jaw to keep from pointing out it was a wonder she didn’t have wings with that holier-than-thou attitude.
“Nice to see some color in your house,” she said conversationally, looking in a drawer for a measuring scoop.
Really? She wanted to have a conversation? Deidre opened her mouth; passive aggressive criticism came out. He never heard anything else from her. Some coffee would be nice equaled you’re a terrible host. Nice to see some color in your house equaled took you long enough to decorate like a civilized person.
He’d never been one to ignore a jab. He didn’t have it in his DNA. But he couldn’t unleash on her with Haley in the house.
He blew out a breath, trying to ignore the tightening between his ribs. “Yup,” he agreed, but the word popped with pent-up frustration. He winced, knowing he was in for it.
“Christ, Derek.” She kept her voice low. “You don’t have to be an ass. I’m trying to help you out, here.”
He shut the cupboard so hard the glasses inside rattled. “I didn’t ask for your help.”
“No. Haley did.” She filled the coffeemaker with water. “She wants us to spend some time together. Can’t you see that? Can’t you come out there and be social? She just wants to see her mom and dad get along.”
“Fat chance.”
She measured out the coffee. Somehow she managed to infuse the sound of grounds hissing into the filter with irritation. She flicked the switch, then turned to him with hands on her hips. “Why are you always on such a short fuse with me? We fight more now than we did when we were married. I hope you rein in that temper when you’re with Haley. If anyone knows the damage an angry father can cause, it’s you.”
The pressure in his lungs spiked. He couldn’t contain it any more. Keeping his back to her so he didn’t really lose it and start yelling, he gripped the counter. “If you think I would ever raise a hand to my daughter, you’re out of your mind. Yeah, I’ve got anger issues. But I’m not my fucking father.”
“I didn’t say you were. God, Derek, I just meant anger has a strong effect on kids. I don’t want Haley growing up with that kind of emotional baggage.”
“Stop. Just fucking stop.”
“Derek.” Her quiet, calm voice took his rage to the next level.
His knuckles turned white as his hands curled into fists on the counter. “No. Stop treating me like a goddamned idiot. I might not be the world’s best father, but I’m sick of you implying that I’m the worst. You fucking judgmental bitch.”
“Derek.” Her voice was sharp enough to make him turn around.
Haley stood in the kitchen doorway. Her big eyes filled with tears while he watched.
“Haley-girl.”
She spun and ran for her room.
“I tried to tell you she was there.”
He pointed at Deidre. “Don’t.” He shook with fury and shame. Even though he’d let the rage out, he still had that tight-lungs feeling. “Don’t say a word.” He’d made his Haley-girl cry and his fucking ex-wife had baited him into it.
Deidre narrowed her eyes at him. “You step outside and cool off. I’ll go calm her down. And then you are going to apologize and tell your daughter there is no excuse for that kind of language.”
Always fucking telling him what to do. Never a fucking hair out of place, never a fucking ruffled feather in those perfect fucking wings.
He didn’t trust himself to speak. He went outside, but not because she told him to. He got in his truck and drove away.
Chapter 6
Dream girl. It was the closest thing she had to a name. DG for short. She’d take it and be thankful she had any identity at all. Someone knew her. And liked her. Even if he only liked her in a carnal sense, it meant something.
Actually, it meant everything. He was everything to her in the most literal way.
And she’d only been able to run and make him doubt himself. She wanted to give him so much more, and she wanted to accept whatever he could give to her.
No more being cautious. No more worrying about consequences or obsessing about her purpose. If she ever got out of this fog again, she wouldn’t waste another second.
Time dragged, but she didn’t despair. Determination replaced the lost feeling that had reduced her to tears last time she’d been trapped here. At long last, the fog billowed away to reveal his semi-darkened room.
She scanned it eagerly, but found it empty. Disappointment swallowed her relief at being released from her prison.
On the up side, the door was wide open, revealing a brightly-lit hallway, the only source of light in the bedroom besides the street lights shining through the bare window. The other times she’d been in this room, the door had been cracked, but not open enough for her to slip out. Now, nothing stood between her and the rest of the house.
Except her own hesitation. What if Haley saw her roaming around and got scared? What if she left this room and couldn’t get back in?
Enough. No more what-ifs. No more bowing to caution and ending up with regrets.
She squared her shoulders and strode into the hall, pausing to listen. The house was utterly still. A pang of loneliness tried to sink her spirits, but she refused to let it. An empty house was better, after all. She had the freedom to learn as much as she could about the man.
The open door directly across from the bedroom led into a black-and white-tiled bathroom. She took in the aqua green toilet and tub. The sink was newer, a white porcelain pedestal model with sleek, modern fixtures. Tan and navy towels hung from the rods. There were no child things. No second toothbrush, no barrettes or hair ties, no bubble bath or shower soap the likes of which Haley might use. She must live with her mother most of the time and visit her dad for short periods.
Which meant he lived alone. But at some point he had probably shared domesticity with a woman. A wife, possibly?
Jealousy made her jaw twitch.
A snoop in the second bedroom confirmed her suspicion. Light from the hallway reflected off a silver frame sitting on top of an enormous metal desk that looked like it had been reclaimed from a 1950s schoolhouse. The frame held a five by seven picture of the man, Haley, and a stunning blond woman. All three knelt in the sand with white-capped ocean waves behind them and their blond locks, different shades, from the man’s dark honey to the woman’s smartly-layered corn silk, tangled in the wind.
Haley had been a couple of inches shorter, her cheeks rounder, dati
ng the picture to two or three years ago. The man and woman both had wedding bands on. The woman also wore a gigantic diamond on her elegant, French-manicured ring finger.
Everyone was smiling. The man looked so happy, it took her breath away. His warm expression made a stark contrast to the seriousness she’d grown accustomed to. She wanted to be the one to put that smile back on his face.
Sighing, she forced her gaze from the picture and took in the rest of the room. Besides the desk, there were some filing cabinets and a big futon piled high with stuffed unicorns and teddy bears. This would be where Haley slept. She probably loved looking at the picture of her mom and dad and her. Or maybe it made her sad.
None of my business.
Learning the man’s name probably shouldn’t be any of her business either, but that didn’t stop her from scanning the desk for mail. Eureka! A pile of haphazard envelopes and mailers cluttered the corner. She reached for the pile, only to find the paper hard and unmoving.
Argh! She couldn’t pick up the mail or even shift the letters to reveal an address label.
The generic one on top read Resident, along with an address in Redding, California. She waited for some spark of recognition, but none came. Her personal history remained blank as ever.
Well, at least she had a name, sort of. And she didn’t need to know the man’s name to know the sight of him heated her blood. The sight of a smile on his face when another woman had put it there made her want to grind her teeth.
Leaving the office, she headed down the hall into a spacious, sparsely-furnished living room strewn with plastic shopping bags and colorful fabric. A simple ceiling-fan chandelier lit the space, and a framed doorway offered a glimpse into a craftsman kitchen with butter-cream-yellow tile countertops and mismatched appliances. The maroon front door had a brass thumb latch instead of a doorknob. Beside the door, a three-paneled window dressed with blinds looked out onto a front porch lit up against the night. At the base of the radiator below the window lay a long pewter rod with decoratively-pitted glass bulbs on either end. The strips of fabric all over the place must be curtains. The thought of the man and Haley hanging curtains together warmed her heart.