by Various
Derek and Haley had a bay to themselves while Deidre had gone to the cafeteria to get Haley a chocolate milk. He propped a hip on the edge of the gurney while Haley gave the hairy eyeball to the clown across the room.
“Don’t let him come over here.” She tugged on his arm. “I hate clowns.”
He felt the corner of his mouth turn up. “Don’t worry. I never leave home without my trusty clown repellent.”
That earned him a weary smile.
“How’s the pain, kiddo?”
“S’okay,” she said with a shrug. “Ouch.” She winced. “I keep forgetting not to move it.”
She scowled at her right arm, which was horribly swollen from wrist to elbow. He knew it was broken just from the amount of swelling. His stomach twisted into a hard knot at the thought of how much pain his little girl had to be in. But she hadn’t shed a single tear since he’d met her at the hospital. According to Deidre, the coach said she hadn’t even cried when she’d tumbled over the four-foot high fence to rob the hitter of a homerun, and landed on an old ladder the grass had grown over.
They’d given her some Children’s Tylenol to take the edge off her pain, but held off on anything stronger until determining the extent of the injury. “The worst part will be over soon,” he told her. “Look, here comes Dr. Heinz.” The short, dark-haired woman in a white coat marched up with a tablet under one arm and a cheerful smile on her face.
“Okay, Haley,” she said. “Let’s go take some pictures. Ready?”
“We can’t go without Mom,” Haley said.
“Your mom wouldn’t want us to wait on her,” he said. “Let’s go.”
“Actually,” Dr. Heinz said, “Your mom and dad both have to wait here. Only patients are allowed in radiology. But we’ll be back before you know it.” She flashed him a smile that somehow conveyed the simultaneous messages “Your kid’s in great hands” and “This isn’t up for discussion.”
“Guess I’ll wait here for your mom,” he said, taking Haley’s good hand for a second. “You okay?”
She nodded bravely, eyeing the clown, who was only one bay away, all pointy black eyebrows and creepy red mouth—he couldn’t imagine where she’d gotten her fear of clowns.
“I’m ready,” she said to Dr. Heinz, leaving him to fend for himself against he of the bulbous nose and skinny-tailed balloon animals.
Deidre found him a few minutes later. “X-ray?” she asked, handing him a coffee and setting Haley’s milk on the empty chair.
He straightened and took a long, hot sip from the foam cup. “Thanks. Yeah. ’Supposed to be quick, but who knows.”
“They’re good here,” Deidre said. “Haley’ll be okay.” She said it to comfort herself as much as him.
“Yeah.” He sipped awkwardly, wondering if he was supposed to hug his ex-wife or anything. What was the protocol when divorced parents met at the hospital for a kid emergency?
“You look like hell,” she said.
“Thanks.”
She smirked, but the look wasn’t unfriendly. “Having trouble sleeping?”
He nodded, sipping some more. The hot jolt of liquid energy was a welcome sensation in his empty pit of a stomach. He could use some lunch, too, but he’d wait to see how Haley was doing.
“You two still need to talk,” she said. “You can’t just assume she’s over what happened Sunday just because she’s dealing with this now.”
His lungs ratcheted tighter with every word. “I know.”
“I’m just saying. You’ll probably sleep better once you’ve gotten it off your chest.”
He couldn’t tell her why he wasn’t getting enough sleep. “Right.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes. Deidre kept checking her watch.
“Got somewhere to be?”
She shook her head. “Nothing’s as important as being here for Haley right now,” she said as she looked longingly at the exit.
“But…” he prodded.
She sighed. “I’ve got a showing in Meadowbrook at two. Mark said he’d take it for me, but I don’t trust him to sell the property. He’s not as familiar with it as I am, and I know it would be just perfect for this family.”
Meadowbrook was a ritzy development. He thought for a second she was being protective of her commission, but he knew better. He’d always admired her passion for her job.
“I’ll stay here if you want to go. If you leave soon, you can still make it.”
Her forehead attempted to wrinkle—she must have just gotten fresh Botox. “I’m a horrible mother to even consider leaving.” She gave him a shaky smile.
He might not be the most observant of men when it came to female emotions, but it didn’t take a genius to see she was worried sick about Haley. But she was also smart enough to realize she couldn’t do anything for Haley right now other than dither. And she might not have made the logical leap yet, but if they both stayed, the chances were good they’d get in a fight.
Their little girl needed that like she needed a second broken arm.
“Hey,” he said, slinging an arm around her shoulder. “Come on. She’s taking this like a champ. I’ve got it under control. Go work. Get your mind off all this for a few hours.”
“I can’t ask you to stay. This could take all afternoon. You have to get back to work, don’t you?”
“Fred can handle the site without me. I hadn’t planned on going back, anyway. I’m pretty much worthless as I am. I need a solid eight before going back to the site.” Not that he planned on getting anywhere near eight if DG made an appearance tonight. “It’s just a break,” he said. “It hurts, but it’ll be all healed up in two months. She’ll get a cool cast, and all the kids at school will sign it. This won’t even slow her down.”
Her shoulders relaxed under his arm. “I know you’re right. God, this is hard. I hate knowing she’s hurting. I wish I could take it for her, you know?”
“I know.” He gave her a friendly jostle. “Boy, do I know.”
They exchanged unsteady smiles as Dr. Heinz escorted Haley back to their bay. “Guess who’s getting admitted for the rest of the day?” the doctor said brightly.
Deidre left once Haley got her morphine IV, but only after numerous assurances from Haley that she didn’t feel any pain and from him that he didn’t mind staying. Haley had torus fractures to both her radius and ulna just below the elbow. They weren’t bad breaks—they didn’t even need to be set, but they were enough to put her in a cast for six to eight weeks. She had to stay at the hospital until after dinnertime to make sure she would handle the prescribed pain meds okay. He promised to stay with her, giving Deidre a chance to meet her client and make arrangements at work so she could stay home with Haley the rest of the week.
A nurse put Haley in a small private room with blue walls and a mural of a white whale and a ship cresting a huge wave. Moby Dick seemed a depressing motif for a kid’s room, but whatever. He supposed most kids hadn’t read the book by the time they saw the artwork. Haley watched the Disney channel on the TV set into the wall while using his phone to keep her friends posted on her drama. A bright purple cast wrapped her arm from her hand to above her elbow, and like he’d predicted, it hadn’t slowed her down one bit—she was texting one-handed and could probably get a job as a court stenographer with that speed.
“You know, if you get me my own phone, I won’t have to use yours,” she said, drawing him out of a light doze.
He sat up straighter and dragged a hand down his face. God, he was tired. “I don’t mind you using mine,” he said.
She stuck out her tongue and went back to work.
He felt his cheeks stretch in a big smile. He was proud of her for being such a trooper.
And she seemed to have forgotten about his poor behavior on Sunday. In fact, since he’d arrived at the hospital, she’d shown no sign of the hurt he’d witnessed in her eyes that night. With all the stress of her broken arm, he’d almost forgotten about it, too. He was tempted to sweep it under the
rug.
But—he hated to admit it—Deidre was right. They needed to talk.
He took a deep breath and shoved away the tiredness. “Hey, kiddo, I need to apologize to you for how I talked to your mom the other night. I let my temper get away from me. Can you forgive me?”
Her fingers paused then restarted. Without looking at him, she shrugged and muttered, “’S okay.”
Ah. The incident hadn’t been forgotten. Just shelved.
He knew from experience a kid’s mental shelves could hold a hell of a lot before they cracked. He’d stored away so many hurts his father had dealt him that he’d been well into his teens before he’d finally accepted his father loved getting angry more than he loved him. He never wanted Haley to believe that about him. The thought of her starting a shelf of pain with his name on it killed him.
With a finger under her chin, he made her look up. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I shouldn’t talk to anybody that way, especially your mom. She’s doing such a good job with you. I was way out of line.” Saying the words made him wonder why he always let his temper get away from him around Deidre…or know-it-all architects, or people writing checks at the grocery store, or indecisive idiots on the road.
She pulled back from his touch. Damn. How was he supposed to fix this? He couldn’t do more than apologize. Could he?
“What is it, Haley-girl? Let’s talk about it. I don’t want hard feelings between us.”
She shook her head and muttered something that sounded like, “It’s stupid.”
“Hey, if it’s a thought in this head—” He tapped a finger on her temple. “It can’t possibly be stupid. You’re the smartest person I know. And that’s no joke.”
She gave him big eyes filled with hope. He was such a shithead for making her question him like this. He should be her rock. Her daddy. Always.
“You can tell me anything, bug,” he said. “I love you more than anything. Your secrets are safe with me.” He crossed his heart. “Promise.”
Her eyes got shiny. “That’s just it. You say you love me, but you loved mom for a long time and then you just stopped. What if you stop loving me one day, too?” She blurted it all out in one breath and gave a little sniff at the end.
His heart split from top to bottom. Then it sank to his toes like Ahab’s ship. This was a much bigger problem than her hearing him blow up at her mom Sunday night. His brain zipped around in his head while he tried to summon a kid-friendly explanation of divorce, but he couldn’t come up with anything he and Deidre hadn’t told her when they’d split.
She looked at him like he could just as easily toss her a lead stone as a life preserver. Unfortunately, lead stone was more his style, since he sucked at talking about feelings.
“It’s different with kids than with moms and dads,” he said lamely.
Her gaze fell.
“I mean, your mom and I chose each other when we were young, but sometimes you don’t make good choices when you’re young.”
She frowned, and her eyes narrowed with offense.
“I mean, we were good together back then, but as we grew older we grew apart. What I’m trying to say is, you choose the person you marry, but you don’t choose the kids you have.”
Her face scrunched up, and her eyes got shiny.
“Ah, shit.” He wrapped her good hand in both of his. “I’m no good at this, Haley-girl. I can’t use words to prove I love you and always will. I don’t think anyone can do that. I think when you love someone, really love them, it’s more than just words you say. It’s what you do, you know?”
That earned him a wary glance. He pressed on. “I’m not a great man, kiddo. I get angry a lot, and I don’t like that about myself, but when I get angry, it has nothing to do with you.” He let go of her hand to wipe his sweating palms on his jeans. “I’m not a great man, but I’m trying to be a good dad.” Half to himself, he said, “It’s the one thing I work really hard at and never feel like I’m doing a good enough job.”
He pulled at his hair. He was such a screw up. He couldn’t even communicate to his daughter how much he loved her. No wonder every relationship he had went up in flames…or down the toilet.
“I think that’s what love is,” Haley said. “Trying your best for someone but wishing you could do even better.”
He met her gaze, and she smiled a big, bright, you-are-fully-forgiven smile.
“You want to take a nap?” she asked. “I don’t mind. I’ll wake you up for dinner. I hear hospital food isn’t that bad anymore.”
He shook his head, awed by his little girl. “Where’d you hear that?”
“Betsy McNeil had her tonsils out before camp started. She said hospital food is all healthy now, like there’s no French fries or pizza, more like meatloaf and spaghetti, but she says that stuff is just as good as her mom makes.” She frowned. “Maybe her mom isn’t a great cook, though.” She shrugged, dismissing the topic. “You should definitely take a nap. Want to come up here? There’s room for both of us.” She patted beside her.
He chuckled. “I must look pretty rough, huh?” He certainly felt rough. Maybe he should take a nap. He’d be driving her home in a few hours. He didn’t want to risk falling asleep at the wheel.
“Not rough. Just tired,” she said diplomatically. “Is it because of that pretty ghost?” She smiled like a goof, implying things she didn’t understand but knew were naughty.
His neck got hot. His first impulse was to deny he’d seen DG, but Haley was smart enough to see through it, and he didn’t want to violate her trust after newly reestablishing it. He cleared his throat. “Uh, it’s not her fault, but yeah, I haven’t gotten enough sleep the last couple of nights.”
“I knew it! You’ve seen her! I like her, dad. I think she really cares about you. Do you know who she is? Does she have a name?”
He shook his head—he didn’t think it would earn him any good father points to tell Haley he’d nicknamed her his dream girl.
She tilted her head in thought, then shrugged, dismissing the line of questioning. “It’s the nightmares, then. Isn’t it? That’s why you can’t sleep.”
“You ask a lot of questions.”
“I’m a kid. It’s what I do. And, I’ll take that as a yes. So, what are the nightmares about? Why do you get so scared?”
“It’s nothing, sweetie,” he said with finality.
She was not discouraged. “Hey, I bet the pretty ghost is like your guardian angel. It’s probably her job to help you work through something, and she can’t move on until she does. What would you have to work through, though?” she asked as though dubious her old dad might be interesting enough to have issues. She shrugged. “Whatever it is, I’m sure she’ll help you figure it out.” She patted his arm and nodded with authority.
The car accident flashed through his mind. He shoved the thought away as soon as he had it. “Where do you come up with this stuff, Haley-girl?”
Chapter 11
There came a point where a man couldn’t fight sleep a minute longer. Derek reached that point as he watched the headlights of Deidre’s beamer back out of his driveway. Dusk had fallen, and Haley was off to her mom’s to recuperate. He waved, shut and locked the front door, and went directly to his bedroom, where he landed face down on the bed.
His afternoon had been a sleepy blur. He never got that nap Haley had suggested at the hospital. Nurses had been in and out, there had been paperwork to fill out, he’d had to go to the cafeteria for his dinner, and when he’d had some down time, what Haley had said about DG kept him awake better than an IV of straight caffeine.
As sleep dragged him under, he didn’t know which he wanted more, for Haley to be wrong about DG being trapped with him because he had something to work out, or for her to be right.
If he had to have nightmares in order to see DG, he hoped he never had a peaceful night’s sleep again.
* * * *
The fog dumped DG in her usual corner. All her muscles felt like Jell-O after concentrat
ing on getting back to Derek for what felt like hours. Sprawled on the floor, she let her body get used to having a hard surface underneath it before attempting anything as ambitious as movement.
Despite her relief at being back, disappointment closed around her like the heavy darkness of the room. She hadn’t been able to get here on her own. She’d heard other voices a few times, but never Derek’s. The fog truly was her prison.
Helplessness tried to overwhelm her into tears, but she refused to waste a minute outside of the fog feeling sorry for herself. She got off the floor and fell onto the mattress to wait for him. Looked like her wait was already over.
She could barely make him out in the darkness, but when her eyes finally adjusted, she found him fully clothed, boots and all, lying on his stomach with his face mashed into the pillow.
Her gaze zeroed in on his back, a fist of fear around her heart. When she saw it rise and fall, her breath whooshed out in relief. Still, it probably wasn’t safe for him to sleep with his mouth and nose buried in a pillow. She threaded her fingers into his hair and turned his head so he could breathe better.
He gave a little snort.
She smiled. He was adorable in sleep. His serious face smoothed to innocence, and she could almost imagine what he’d looked like as a round-cheeked, happy child.
But while she watched, his serene brow furrowed. The nightmares were coming.
She sat up and started stroking his hair, cradling his head in her lap and whispering to him. Maybe being there to comfort him right from the start would make the nightmares less potent. Within minutes, he was whimpering, proving timing didn’t matter. The dream dug in its claws and wouldn’t let go. His back arched, and he crossed his forearms in front of his face as if warding off a blow.
She shook him. “Derek, it’s me, DG. You’ve got to wake up from this. It’s just a dream. Please, wake up.”
His whimpers turned to cries filled with grief. “Daddy, wake up!” he said over and over again, and “I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.”