Son of a bitch! I clenched my eyes closed and gave my head a shake. I could not get hard over Chloe, for fuck’s sake. She was off limits. Off. Limits.
Online dating?” I asked, pushing the unexpected twitching behind my fly from the back of my mind and focusing on the issue at hand. “Do you want to get murdered and buried in the woods? ‘Cause that could happen, Chloe.” Yes, I was well aware I sounded completely ludicrous, but it happened! Right? I mean, there was that Craigslist Killer guy. And I’m sure if I looked it up, I could find more.
The sound of Chloe’s tinkling laughter cut through my mind as I inventoried all the serial killers I knew about, trying to come up with irrefutable proof of just how bad an idea online dating was. Damn, she really did have a fantastic laugh.
“You’re crazy,” she giggled. “Everyone online dates.”
“Yeah! If they want to be decapitated and dumped down by the river!” I crossed my arms over my chest and leveled her with a look that normally made Eliza squirm. “You’re not doing it. That’s final. I’m your friend and I want you to live a full, healthy life, preferably with all your body parts still attached.” Don’t ask me why I was being so irrational over the thought of Chloe meeting a guy or… God forbid, guys online. I didn’t have the answer to that, all I knew was I couldn’t have stopped my mouth from running in that moment if I’d tried.
“You watch way too much Criminal Minds, Derrick, you know that? Nothing’s going to happen. It’s not like I’d accept an invitation to meet a guy in a dark, secluded basement or something. It would be in a very public setting, at least at first, anyway, until I got comfortable around the guy.”
That statement made the hairs on my arms stand on end. “Not happening,” I said with finality.
Her face scrunched up adorably as she glared at me, challenge flashing in her green eyes like fire. “Is that right?” she asked with deceptive calm, mimicking my stance, her arms folding over that ample chest.
“Damn straight it is.” A slow smile stretched across her mouth, and I should have been scared, I should have heeded the warning that look gave me. Unfortunately, I was a man, therefore stupid to most things when it came to the opposite sex until it was too late.
“Harlow!” Chloe shouted. Yep, it was too late.
“What?” she asked, stepping through the door with Noah on her heels.
“Derrick here just informed me I’m not allowed to online date. That he’s forbidding it, end of discussion.”
“He said what now?” Harlow asked, both brows shooting up on her forehead as she cocked a hip and rested a hand on it. I might not have known much when it came to women, but I know that posture did not say good things for my wellbeing.
Looking over her shoulder, I gave Noah a look, asking for some support seeing as I knew he agreed with me. Unfortunately, I’d picked a betraying asshole as a best friend.
“Dude,” he shook his head in disappointment. “You never tell a woman what to do. You make a suggestion, or go about it in a way where you convince her that it was her idea, but you never ever flat out tell her what to do. You should know this, Derrick.” Then, for good measure, the bastard added, “I’m so ashamed of you right now.”
I felt the intense need to punch him in the throat all of a sudden.
“Are you kidding?! You were just saying the exact same thing outside!”
“Nuh uh!” he argued, shaking his head and hiding behind his pregnant wife like a coward. “I suggested it was a bad idea! Then I kindly asked if she was aware of the odds that one of those men could be a potential predator. Never once did I just demand she not try online dating. I’m not a caveman, Derrick,” he scoffed. “Unlike some men in this room.”
“You know I’m gonna shoot you, right?” I asked him, narrowing my eyes in angry slits. “Come on! Be logical!” I called to the room as a whole, throwing my arms in the air. “It’s never a good idea for a single woman to meet a man she’s only interacted with on-line. The chances that he’s some psychopath are exponentially higher than just meeting someone at say, the grocery store, or something.”
“Exponentially,” Noah parroted. “Good SAT word, brother.” I flipped him off.
“Oh, I’d just love to see the research backing up that claim,” Chloe laughed. “So, if what you’re saying is true, I should just go out to some bar, pick any random guy who offers to buy me a drink, and go home with him?”
“What? Of course not!”
“But she wouldn’t have met him on-line,” Harlow added brightly. I felt the beginnings of a migraine starting to creep up.
“Look,” I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to form a rational sentence. “What I’m saying is…” then I was struck by pure brilliance, “…I should screen every single likely candidate so I can run a full background check for any felonies or Class A misdemeanors.”
Ignoring my perfectly reasonable suggestion, Chloe spoke up, “And the next time you want to pick up a woman at the Moose and take her home for a roll in the hay, I’ll expect you to call me first so I can come down and administer a blood test, you know,” she smiled sweetly, even though I could see the evil behind it, “for safety reasons.”
“That’s not the same thing,” I argued.
“Oh, I’ve got to hear this,” Harlow laughed. “And why, exactly, is it different for you than it is for Chloe?”
“Because I’m a man,” I answered instantly, regretting the words that came out of my mouth as soon as they passed my lips. “Wait! No — that’s not what I meant to say. What I meant is — I’m bigger. I’ve got more muscles. I can defend myself if need be.”
“I’ll have you know, I’ve been taking weekly self-defense classes for the past four years. I’m more than capable of defending myself.”
And because I was clearly on a roll with all the stupid, I laughed. “Pfft, not likely. You’re a pixie for Christ’s sake.”
I barely got the last word out when I was suddenly choking on my own tongue, unable to take a proper breath as the kitchen floor came at my face at a startling pace only to be stopped by the force of something slamming into my chest, deflating both my lungs and sending me careening backward.
I gasped for air as I writhed on the floor in pain. “What—” I wheezed. “What just—” I sucked in a breath, getting nowhere near enough oxygen in my collapsed lungs, “happened?”
“You just got your ass handed to you by a girl!” Noah hooted before collapsing in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. “Oh God! You should have…” he stopped to wipe a tear from his eye, “…you should have seen your face! Classic! That was classic! Chloe, do it again so I can record it this time.”
As I lay on the kitchen floor, dying, I cursed Noah Murphy. I had no friends.
9
Chloe
“This is a bad idea. This is a stupid, stupid, stupid idea,” I said to my reflection in the mirror as I swiped my hands over my stomach, brushing out any wrinkles in my dress while trying to soothe my frayed nerves at the same time.
“It’s not a stupid idea!” Harlow called from my bedroom where she was sprawled out on the bed, scrolling through Pinterest on her phone. “It’s a brilliant idea. Time to get on one horse to get your mind off another.”
“That’s not even a saying!” I argued back, walking out of the bathroom to find her laying on her back, her legs stretched out. “And get your nasty feet off my pillows!”
“They aren’t nasty! See?” she shoved her foot in my face when I got close enough to yank my pillows out from under her bare feet.
“Gross! Stop,” I laughed, batting her foot away. “God, Harlow,” I harrumphed, collapsing onto the bed next to her. “What the hell am I doing? I don’t even know this guy? We’ve only been talking on-line for a couple of days, he could be a total creeper.”
“Or,” she paused long enough to roll to her side and prop her head in her hand. “He could be totally great. You’ll never know unless you try. Besides, it’s just dinner. And you said you thought he so
unded nice when you guys talked. You’ll be in a public place so you won’t have to worry about him knocking you out to harvest your kidney, and you get a free meal out of it. That’s a win-win in my book.”
I let out a sigh as I stared up at my ceiling. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I mean, we agreed to meet at the restaurant so it’s not like I’m stranded if he turns out of be a psychopath or something.”
“Exactly! And hopefully he’s taking you somewhere fancy.”
I stood from the bed and grabbed my phone from the nightstand. “I don’t know, I’ve never heard of it.” I scrolled through the text messages between me and Austin, the man I met on one of the gazillion dating websites Harlow set me up on. “It’s some place called The Peak?”
Harlow shrugged and shook her head. “Never heard of it.”
“I hope it’s good. I haven’t eaten all day. I’m starving.”
“Why haven’t you eaten?” Harlow asked in a stern, motherly voice.
“Because I’ve been nervous!” I threw my hands up at my sides. “I can’t remember the last time I went on a date. I’ve been crushing on Derrick for what feels like forever. I haven’t even thought about dating.”
Harlow grunted with exertion as she scooted across the mattress and tried to get her big, pregnant self out of the bed. “Listen,” she spoke once on her feet, placing her hands on my shoulders, “if worst comes to worst and the food sucks, you can stop at a drive-thru on the way home. And if you’re feeling generous, pick up a couple extra cheeseburgers for me while you’re at it.” I remained silent, waiting for her to say more. She didn’t.
“That’s it? That’s your pep-talk?”
Her forehead wrinkled in confusion. “Who said anything about a pep-talk? I just want cheeseburgers.”
“You made it seem like you were going for a big, motivational speech! You got off the bed and held my shoulders and everything. What the hell? I’m freaking out here and all you can think about is cheeseburgers?”
“Stop. Freaking. Out.” She punctuated each word with a shake, making my teeth clack together painfully. “Your hair looks fabulous, your makeup is flawless, and your body is rocking the hell out of that little black dress. You’re hot. I’d totally hit that. Be confident. This guy needs to impress you, not the other way around. He’s freaking lucky you agreed to go out with him in the first place.”
“Now that’s what I’m talking about!” I shouted, pumped up from her speech. “That’s a pep-talk!” She was right, I was a total catch and it was long past time I started realizing it. I was over being the self-conscious girl, always down on herself, taking the smallest flaw and making it into something I hated about myself. I knew my worth and it was about time I started acting like it. Austin was the lucky one.
“Okay,” Harlow said with a clap of her hands. “Breath check.” I leaned forward and breathed in her face. “Minty fresh. Panty lines?” I spun around, showing her the back of the formfitting dress. “You’re good. Deodorant stains?” I tilted from side to side so she could check for any white streaks on my dress I might have missed. “Nope,” she declared. “You’re golden, pony boy. Now get out of here or you’re going to be late. Jackson Hole’s a twenty-minute drive. Go on, git!” she finished with a hard smack on my butt, sending a sharp flare of pain through my skin. Rubbing at the offended cheek, I shot her a glare as I made my way out of the bedroom.
“And have fun! Don’t get pregnant on the first date, it’s bad form! I’ll just let myself out after I’m done ordering movies from On Demand!”
As I climbed into my car, I laughed, knowing damn good and well she wouldn’t be able to get past the password I set up on the parental controls after the last time. No way in hell was I shelling out another hundred bucks in On Demand movie rentals because of her.
“I’m a catch, he’s the lucky one. I’m a catch, he’s the lucky one. I’m a catch, he’s the lucky one,” I repeated as I climbed from my car and headed across the street toward The Peak. From the outside, it looked really nice. Fancy, upscale, and judging from the number of people waiting outside, the food must have been outstanding. My stomach rumbled in thanks. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could go without food.
“Chloe?” I heard a man call my name once I reached the sidewalk outside the restaurant. Plastering a smile on my face, I watched as Austin — or at least I was pretty sure it was Austin, based on the one and only picture I’d seen of him — came toward me. He looked different than his picture, not outrageously so, but enough that the difference was noticeable.
He told me he was a nutritionist and personal trainer so I knew he’d more than likely be in shape, but it looked like he’d packed on at least another twenty pounds of pure muscle since the picture he’d posted on the website. And most of that seemed to be in his neck. Seriously, his traps almost went up to his ears. It was disconcerting to look at. He wore a nice button down and black slacks, but the closer he got, the more I feared for the durability of the seams. He looked like one wrong move and he’d Hulk right out of his clothes.
“I knew that was you the minute you walked up.” He smiled, placing his hands on my upper arms and leaning in to kiss my cheek. It was a polite, friendly gesture, and I immediately felt like an ass for judging a book by its cover. So he was overly muscled, so what? It was part of his job, right? It was bound to happen. That didn’t mean he wasn’t a nice guy, and despite the muscles, he was cute, really cute. Blonde hair, smiling brown eyes, and nice, straight white teeth. I could totally work with this, I told myself as he placed his hand on the small of my back and guided me through the crowd of people.
“Wow, this place is packed,” I stated as we pushed through the front door and attempted to squeeze through the swarm to get to the hostess station.
“Yeah,” Austin spoke loudly to be heard over the crowd. “It’s opening night. Apparently it’s a pretty big deal. Grand opening celebration and all that.”
My back went stiff at that. Oh God, I prayed. Please don’t let this be the same place Derrick’s coming to with Carla. What were the odds that Jackson Hole was having two grand opening celebrations for two brand new, super trendy restaurants on the exact same night? I really didn’t like those odds, but I prayed that was the case.
“May I help you?” the hostess asked, her pitch black hair slicked back in a severe yet stylish bun. With her sharp features and piercing blue eyes, she would have been stunning… had she not been staring down her nose at us in disdain once we got to her, as if she were above interacting with mere mortals.
I never understood why high-end restaurants hired people like that. It didn’t give the atmosphere a feeling of class, it just made you feel like you were trapped in a room for an hour-and-a-half with the mean girls in high school. Not something I was a fan of.
“Uh, yeah. Table for two?” Austin spoke, leaning in to be heard clearly.
“And the name on the reservation?”
“Oh…” His cheeks grew flush as he reached up and scratched the back of his neck, testing the limits of his shirt sleeves. “I don’t… I mean, I didn’t make a reservation.”
Okay, he didn’t make a reservation at a restaurant that he knew would be buzzing, for a date he’d asked me on. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t a deal breaker necessarily, but it didn’t really show his dedication when it came to planning something either.
“Sir,” the hostess snorted with derision. “This is opening night, as you can see, we’re quite full already.”
“Oh, that’s okay. We don’t mind waiting.” Austin smiled down at me as my stomach let out a low growl, or maybe that was a cry of agony at the thought of having to wait any longer. Seriously, what did a girl have to do to get a bread basket, for crying out loud?
The hostess’s face pinched in an unattractive scowl. “I’m sorry, sir. We’re booked solid for the next two months. Might I suggest the Applebee’s down the street? I’m sure they’ll have a table for you.”
At that moment, I couldn’t decide if
I wanted to slap the resting-bitch-face right off her or leap over the station and kiss her for her suggestion. Yes, I was that hungry. Applebee’s sounded fantastic.
“Austin,” I started, placing my hand on his arm. His expression was a mixture of embarrassment and agitation; I couldn’t help but feel bad for the guy… even though he was the one who didn’t make reservations. “It’s okay. We can just go somewhere else.” I smiled up at him to show it wasn’t a big deal.
He turned back to the hostess and that red on his cheeks darkened, this time, in frustration, not embarrassment. “You mean to tell me you don’t have one single table you can sit us at? Really?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying. Now, if you’ll kindly step aside—”
“I will not step aside!” Austin slapped his hand down on the top of the hostess stand, causing me and bitch-face to jump. “I want to speak to your manager. Now.”
I put pressure on his arm, first hoping to calm him down, but also because I wasn’t sure he could even feel my touch through the six extra inches of muscle wrapping around his bicep. “Seriously. I love Applebee’s. We can just go—”
“What are you still doing here?” he bit at the woman. “Didn’t I ask to see your manager? Go,” he waved his hand like she was a dog. If I were a betting woman, I’d lay my money on this being ‘roid rage at its finest. No person was that big without chemical assistance, it just wasn’t natural to have legs for arms. It was safe to say a second date wouldn’t be happening. Harlow’s suggestion of bailing early and grabbing drive-thru was looking more and more appealing with every passing second.
“Chloe?”
Welcome to Pembrooke: The Complete Pembrooke Series Page 7