“Don’t be too hard on him, baby girl,” Dad muttered while we waited for the car.
I gave my father my eyes. “What are you talking about?”
“Your young man. He’s struggling. It’s written all over his face.”
I let out a sigh of defeat and looked back out into the night. “I know, Daddy. But what’s the point if he’s content to just hold on to that struggle for the rest of his life?”
His arm tugged mine, calling my attention back to him. “You love him.”
I nodded, feeling the tears well in my eyes. “I do.”
“Then show him there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.”
My dad. God, I loved him so much. “I don’t know if I have the power to make him see it.”
He reached up and brushed my cheek with his thumb. Until he did that I hadn’t realized a tear and broken free. “Don’t sell yourself short, baby girl. Whether this works out between you two or not, never forget, there’s someone out there worthy of everything you are. It may be him, or it may be someone else. But either way, the heartache will eventually dull and you’ll meet someone who will show you just how special you are.”
I grinned and gave a little laugh, resting my head on his shoulder. “My dad, the smartest man I know.”
His lips brushed the top of my head as he said softly, “No, just a man lucky enough to have a woman show him how wonderful life could be. Then she graced me with a daughter who drove that point home.”
Oh yeah. I loved my dad.
26
Quinn
The more time I spent with Lilly, the more I grew to care about her. And the more I hated myself, because I just couldn’t seem to stop hurting her. She was quickly starting to become a person who meant the absolute world to me. I was falling for her hard and fast, no matter how much I told myself I didn’t want to. But I was such a goddamned coward that I was scared shitless when I woke up a few days ago and instantly wished she was next to me. That was the day I started slowly pulling away from her, despite my heart protesting.
I knew she sensed it. And when I called her a friend in front of our parents, I saw the devastation on her face. The smart move would have been to stay away, keep my distance to lessen the impact when my anxieties finally became too much for me to handle and I shut myself off permanently.
But I couldn’t stay away.
I was a selfish bastard, but the idea of going to sleep that night after seeing her face was just something I couldn’t take. That was why, after I dropped Sophia off at her sleepover, I found myself standing on the stoop of Lilly’s apartment. I knocked and waited for what felt like an eternity for her to answer. The knot of tension in my gut coiled tighter with each passing second.
It wasn’t until I heard the sound of the lock disengaging that I was finally able to take my first real breath.
Her eyes gave nothing away as she stood in the doorway, looking just as beautiful as ever. “What are you doing here?” she asked on a sigh. I hated that my behavior over the past few months had trained her to be skeptical. Deep down, I really did want to make her happy, I just couldn’t seem get past all my hang ups to allow that to happen.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out.
Lilly’s eyelids fell closed as she dropped her head and gave it a shake. When she finally looked back up at me, the hesitance that stared back at me from those warm amber eyes was almost too much to bear.
“You’re always sorry, Quinn, and I’m really getting sick and tired of hearing your apologies.”
I knew that one of these days I’d push her too far, but the thought that this could actually be that day sent a spike of desperation straight through my chest. I couldn’t let her go. Not yet. Not now.
“Can I come in? Please, Lilly.”
She didn’t move from the doorway. Instead, she landed a well-placed blow by saying, “You know, I wasn’t going to call you my boyfriend. I wouldn’t do something like that in front of your family, and especially not in front of Sophia. I’d never intentionally confuse her like that.”
I was such an asshole. “I know.”
She crossed her arms over her chest, the picture of animosity as she continued to stare me down. “Then why’d you feel the need to cut me off like that? Like you were scared I was going to slip up and actually admit out loud that we’re carrying on like more than friends when no one’s watching.”
Shame so strong it nearly choked me twisted inside me throat. “I-I don’t know.”
She let out a sardonic laugh that cut me right down to the bone. “Well, you don’t need to worry, Quinn. Your dirty little secret is safe.”
I took a step closer, crowding her against the doorframe. “You aren’t a dirty little secret. You could never be that,” I hissed. She couldn’t. My problem wasn’t that I was embarrassed of her, it was that I didn’t want to let the real world into our little bubble. I didn’t want reality to interrupt and ruin what we had.
“Bullshit! You’ve treated me like that from day one!” she snapped, anger flashing in her gorgeous eyes. “And the fucked up thing is that I’ve let you! I’m so stupid, so pathetically desperate for a goddamned ounce of your attention that I let you walk all over me! I keep making excuses because I actually care about you, that I’ve become one of those weak women that I’ve always despised.”
I couldn’t stand to hear her talk about herself like that. Self-loathing wasn’t even a strong enough word to describe how miserable I felt at the idea that I’d made her feel so bad about herself.
“You aren’t weak,” I argued, reaching up and taking her face in my hands. “You aren’t. And I hate myself for making you feel that way.” My forehead dropped against hers and I squeezed my eyes closed. “I care about you, too, Lilly. So goddamn much it physically hurts, and I don’t know what to do about it. I wish I could be normal for you. I wish I wasn’t so fucking broken.” Most of all, I wished I could be a man deserving of her.
I moved without thinking, needing to feel her, taste her, lose myself in her completely. Lilly’s gasp of surprise when my lips hit hers spurred a longing deep within me. I used her parted lips to my advantage and plunged my tongue inside, craving her with a desperation that boarded on sheer insanity.
But that’s how she made me feel.
Absolutely insane for her.
The fight fled from her, and her body melted into mine. I untangled my hands from her hair and lifted her into my arms, basking in the feel of her legs wrapping around my waist as I moved both of us into her apartment, kicking the door closed behind me.
Our lips stayed connected, devouring each other as I carried her through the living room and down the hall into her bedroom. I needed her more than I needed air.
I needed her goodness. I needed her light.
And it made me the most selfish bastard on the face of the earth, but I was going to take every single thing she had to offer.
Lilly
He was driving me out of my mind.
All of my sanity fled the moment Quinn touched me.
Deep down, I knew this was a mistake, that I was only asking for more heartache, but when he said he cared about me, the sincerity in his voice and the earnestness on his face were just too much to deny.
I knew he meant it, but I also knew that the chasm between us was too wide for me to breech on my own. Sex wouldn’t solve any of the problems we had, but how do you turn away from a man you love with every fiber of your being?
I wanted to take his pain away, to heal him, fix what he thought was broken. And no matter how many times I told myself that wasn’t possible, it never stopped me from trying.
My back hit the mattress and Quinn lifted up just long enough to rid us both of our clothes. His knees hit the bed and the air whooshed from my lungs at the sight of this beautiful man hovering over me. His weight came down on me. His lips crashed against mine in a brutal kiss that drove me wild.
My hands skated across his body, touching every inch of hot, bare flesh that
I could reach, committing every valley and rivet of muscle to memory. But it wasn’t enough. I needed to feel him inside of me.
I planted my feet into the mattress and lifted my hips seeking the connection I needed so badly.
His cock rested between our bodies, heavy and hard against my stomach, and when he shifted I prayed it was in order to bury himself deep. But he had other things in mind.
In the blink of an eye, he was on his back. I straddled his hips as he gripped my waist with both hands, holding me a few inches above him.
“Ride me. I want to watch you.” His voice was husky as he delivered the command. I didn’t need to be told twice. Reaching between us, I wrapped my fingers around his cock and lined him up with my entrance before sinking down oh-so-slowly, cherishing the way he stretched me, inch by glorious inch.
My head fell back on a deep moan when he bottomed out inside of me. My nails dug into the skin of his chest as I began to rock my hips back and forth, getting used to the fullness of having him so deep.
Quinn’s hands twisted in my hair as I began to ride him, faster and faster with each stroke. He pulled until my head bent down, his gravelly voice demanding, “Look at me. Open your eyes, baby. Let me see you.”
I did as he ordered, sucking in a gasp at what I saw reflecting back at me. His green eyes were dark with lust, but there was a warmth in them as he stared up at me in wonder that I felt in my chest.
“Quinn,” I breathed, lost to the moment, to the feel of him.
The moment his name left my lips, he sat up, wrapping an arm around me tightly as he kissed me, long, deep, wet. It was as though he couldn’t get enough of our connection, like he needed to touch every part of me.
“So good, baby. Always so fucking good. You’re unbelievable.”
I cried out as my walls began to tighten around him, my release just within reach. I squeezed my eyes shut and began to ride him faster, chasing after that euphoria. “I’m close.”
“I know, baby. I feel you. Eyes on me when you come. Give it to me, Lilly.” His hips began to lift off the bed, meeting me thrust for thrust, driving himself as deep as he could possibly go.
I opened my eyes and stared straight into his green depths as I drove myself up and down on his thick cock. Something about this was different. Making love with Quinn was always amazing, but there was an intensity to it this time I’d never felt before. His gaze never wavered as he pushed me closer to the edge. It was so consuming that tears began to burn the backs of my eyes as I dove headfirst into the most extraordinary release I’d ever experienced. It wasn’t just physical. I felt it on every emotional level possible.
A tear broke free as I cried out his name. He caught it with his lips, and I felt that action down to my soul. His mouth moved to mine just as his cock twitched and he groaned from deep within his throat as he began pouring himself inside of me.
We took our time coming down, and several minutes later, he lifted me off him, softly placing me on the bed before going to the bathroom to get a wet rag to clean me with. He turned out the lights and pulled the covers from beneath me, climbed back in beside me and wrapped me in his embrace.
The last thing I remember before sleep took over was whispering into the dark, “I love you.”
Then I was out.
Quinn
“I love you.”
Those three beautiful words plunged into my chest like a knife, leaving a searing pain in their wake so excruciating I could barely breathe.
Because I felt the same way.
And I knew I’d just ruined everything. I’d betrayed Addison’s memory. I’d betrayed Lilly’s trust. I could never be the man to give her everything she deserved. She deserved more than a man with a broken soul.
Actions had consequences. And because of my selfishness we were both going to pay the devastating price.
I had no one to blame but myself.
27
Lilly
I woke with a shiver as a chill worked its way over me, causing goosebumps to break out across my skin.
The bedroom was still bathed in darkness behind my eyelids, but I could hear the distinct sound of someone moving around. Reaching across the bed, I searched for Quinn’s warm body only to come up empty. My eyes popped open at the sound of rustling fabric, and I could just make out Quinn’s silhouette in the faint moonlight. Sitting up, I flicked on the bedside lamp flooding the room with soft golden light.
Quinn froze with his jeans halfway up his thighs.
“What are you doing?”
At my question, he came out of his motionless state and finished with his pants, zipping and buttoning before bending back down to snatch his sweater off the floor.
His voice was flat as he replied, “I need to go.”
Dread coiled in my belly as I turned to look at the clock. “It’s two in the morning, Quinn. Sophia’s at a sleepover. Why don’t you come back to bed?” I asked, fearing his response. It was like I’d developed a sixth sense when it came to this contrary man. He was a walking, talking contradiction. In the very back of my mind, I finally heard the whispered sound of the other shoe dropping.
He was suddenly devoid of all the emotion that had been bleeding from him just hours before. “I can’t. I shouldn’t have come here. This was a mistake.”
My stomach plummeted. My heart sank. But the one thing I felt above all else was white-hot fury. He was not going to do this to me again.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I seethed, jumping from the bed and snatching my robe off the back of my bedroom door, using the thin silky fabric as a shield around myself.
His movements were jerky as he yanked his arms through the sleeves of his shirt and pulled it over his head, leaving his hair in disarray.
“I can’t do this anymore, Lilly,” he sighed, his large frame slumping in defeat. “I can’t be the man you deserve. I don’t have it in me to give what you want. If you’d have just been happy with the way things were—”
“Oh, I know you’re not blaming me right now,” I cut in, crossing my arms over my chest in order to hold myself together.
He grabbed the back of his neck and turned away from me. “No, I’m not blaming you. This all just got so… goddamned complicated! I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, Lilly. I keep hurting you no matter how hard I try not to.”
“Then stop doing it!” I cried, blinking rapidly against the tears that wanted to fall.
“It’s not that easy,” he stated with a heavy frown.
“Yes, Quinn. It is. I know what happened tonight was intense and scary,” I said, pointing toward the bed where he’d made love to me only a handful of hours before. “It was the same for me. But I saw it in your eyes. You felt the difference just like I did.”
He held my gaze, his lips in a firm, hard line. He couldn’t argue, he knew I was right. I closed the gap between us, balling his sweater in my fists. “I love you,” I whispered.
“Stop.”
“And I know you love me, too. But you’re too fucking terrified to admit it.” I continued when I got nothing but more silence. “But if you’d just let me help, let me be here for you, you’d see how great this could be.”
His fingers wrapped around my wrists, pulling my hands away as he took a step back. “You deserve someone better than me.”
“I deserve to be with to be with the man I love!” I fought back.
He broke eye contact and studied the ground at his feet for several seconds before saying, “Look, I’m sorry—”
I lost my mind. “Stop saying that!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. “Jesus Christ, Quinn! Do you get off on ripping me apart? Is that what this is? Some sick fucking fantasy where you see how many pieces you can cut from me before there’s nothing left?”
“Of course not!”
I ran my fingers through my hair and balled it in my fists. I was teetering dangerously close to the edge of insanity, and it was all his fault. He just kept hurting me over and over. And I kept fucking letti
ng him!
“So this is it.” It wasn’t a question. I didn’t need to ask. Despite what my actions would lead most people to believe, I wasn’t stupid, I knew what he was doing. “You’re just going to walk away, again.”
His expression grew devastated as he whispered, “I wish it could be different.”
I laughed without an ounce of humor. “And I wish I wasn’t in love with such a coward. Looks like neither of us gets what we want.”
I stood stiff as a board as he picked up his socks and shoes, tucking them under his arm before giving me one last brief glimpse before he turned for the bedroom door. But I couldn’t leave it like that. I had one last thing to say.
“I hope your misery keeps you warm at night.” He paused as I continued. “Because I’m so done with this shit. You walk out that door, you don’t look back. I won’t be your doormat anymore, Quinn. If you’d rather be a pathetic shell of a man for the rest of your life, have at it. I’m done letting you walk all over me.”
His head dropped down, and his shoulders rose and fell with a deep breath. “I’m so sorry.”
It was too late. I didn’t care. “So am I, more than you could possibly know. I’m sorry I ever opened my heart to you. Now get the fuck out.”
The echo of my front door opening and closing put the final nail in the coffin that was our relationship.
I didn’t sleep for the rest of the night. I spent the next several hours curled up on my couch, staring out the window at nothing. And as the sun finally began to rise over my sleepy mountain town, I picked up my phone and scrolled through my contacts.
As soon as Eliza’s groggy voice came through the line, I broke down into tears. Once I was finally able to speak again, I gave her the whole truth about every depressing, heartbreaking thing that had been going on in my life, pouring out every single detail of my time with Quinn. I sobbed, I cussed, I yelled. And she listened to everything I had to say, once again, giving me exactly what I needed.
Welcome to Pembrooke: The Complete Pembrooke Series Page 58