She was proud of me when I became, if not a star, a published journalist – although she’d have preferred it if I could have managed this without leaving Northampton and the family’s immediate orbit. As I said, Simon moved to Folkestone, then Colchester, then Hanover with his job and not once did Nan lament the distance. He made Corporal, but she wasn’t proud of that.
She also denied her own passing years after 60, which I always thought was deeply sad, although we made a big joke out of it at the time. ‘Don’t throw away this piece of work,’ says 1981’s card, ‘I’ll re-use it next year (and the next)!’ If only. ‘62 again?’ asks her 64th birthday card. ‘And you don’t look a day over 64 …’
The message inside also hints at something subtly heartbreaking to me now, as I sit here moist-eyed and return everything to Pap’s folder:
Simon’s in the army, I’m in college and Melissa’s growing boobs!!
We’re growin’ up.
Had I no empathy for an elderly lady’s feelings? Was I intent on rubbing salt into Nan’s inner wounds with all this loose talk of things past? Was this my under-the-counter payback for what she and Pap had done to me with their undying love?
Or was it just a set-up for the punchline?
Could be worse – I could be growing boobs.
1. Early in 2001, Pap wrote a piece about his schooldays for an anthology published by the National Organisation For Adult Learning. It makes fascinating reading. He writes vividly of life in the 1920s, his father a clerk in the goods yard at Northampton Castle Station but still unable to afford to take the family on holiday every year. His mother ‘cried all night’ when their landlord told them he was selling the house they rented on Glasgow Street, but his father decided to buy it. He recalls in great detail a holiday on the Isle of Bute – travelling there by paddle steamer and visiting a sugar factory at Greenock – and taking his father’s flask to him during the General Strike at his temporary office in a house ‘against the old Star public house’ (he was secretary of the Railway Clerks Association). ‘On Fridays my mother got me to call at the Maypole shop which was close to the school, to buy a piece of currant, rich fruit or cream cake plus a pound of fresh butter. Also on Friday after school, we used to visit Agutters at the corner of Talbot Road and buy a 1d hot sausage.’ Pap sent me a copy of the booklet, Learning Now and Then: Memories of Education through the Years in June 2001, obviously proud of being in print. He should have been writing a book, not me.
2. 11 March 1980. ‘Losing out on his art class’ was the subheading to a letter printed in the Northampton Chronicle & Echo written by my dad. In it he railed against the education cuts that spelled the closure of Nene College’s Saturday morning art classes: ‘My own son is affected by the discontinuance of these classes and I know that he has benefited greatly from the teaching and encouragement he has received not only from the staff but also the opportunity he has of mixing with other children from a wide cross-section of the community … One suggestion is that in future perhaps parents may be prepared to pay on a fee basis … this would be an example of discrimination both on the grounds of ability to pay and also against children gifted in what is perhaps a less publicised pursuit as compared, for example, with sport.’ Way to go, comrade!
3. My rise to fame in the Chronicle & Echo continued thanks to my friend Paul Garner, another Nene Saturday boy, and a far more naturally skilful and fluid caricaturist than I, although we did spark off one another and with so many shared interests – Mad magazine, films and much later, the music of Talking Heads – we formed a symbiotic partnership. Paul had already had some cartoons in the paper, but in June 1980, his dad, who worked in the print room at the Chron, got someone up there interested in the ambitious caricature project we were working on, our 100 Favourite People. They printed 20 of them, all film stars, as a name-the-faces competition. This led to an appearance on BBC1’s Look East – and the ‘Budding artist’ article, in which I was cast merely as Paul’s ‘school-chum’ – and a commission from the paper to draw the entire Northampton cricket team. In June 1981, they printed a sequel to our 20 faces, and we have noticeably improved our strokes. Pap kept that one too.
4. Pap told us he’d trained Butch to bark whenever a black person went past the house, which was patently untrue, if a disturbing boast.
5. Mum tells me that Pap Reg was very much the master of his own house when she was a girl, but somewhere along the line, Mabel took over his duties. He wasn’t henpecked, he just preferred a quiet life. I discovered from a speech at his retirement party in 1981 that he could have moved up the ranks at the AEU, but Mabel wouldn’t countenance moving house, so he stayed put. This was said as a testament to his loyalty, but there was a tinge of regret here that I picked up and never forgot. She held him back. She was no dragon though, simply a persuasive and strong-willed woman, and he was loyal. I’ll bet he never looked at another woman. He once controversially went to see Emmanuelle when he was in London on business, but this was common family knowledge, and rather amusing to us too.
6. It seems crazy this but Pap C was having trouble walking due to an unpleasant but fixable ailment he refused to see a doctor about. In June 1979, Dad drove them 140-odd miles to Bournemouth and then drove back, repeating the process a week later. I went along for the ride actually, and enjoyed the quality time with Dad. He bought me a Mad Super Special for the three-hour home journey, and a Penthouse for himself (tucked under the Mad).
7. Office sitcom from Rising Damp creator Eric Chappell, set in the accounts department of International Rentals with the fabulous Ken Jones and Bernard Hepton in the lead roles (although aged ten I went for the more obviously humorous characters played by the younger Ellis Jones and smooth operator Alan David). Lasted three series, 1975–77.
8. A ladies’ lifestyle show from Southern TV from the days when the concept of ‘daytime’ hadn’t really been invented.
9. ‘Blow’ was a Ward family colloquialism for a bracing walk.
10. Gritty ITV six-parter from Euston Films about Frank Ross (Tom Bell), just out of nick, and bent on finding the slag who shopped him.
11. Paul Newman in a 1966 Chandleresque private-eye thriller written by the great William Goldman, called Harper in the US. According to my diary, it made a considerable impression on me: ‘Good and excitin’ … with kidnappings, busting big woodfiles into people’s heads, lobbing people off balconies, driving cars off cliffs … goodies turning out to be baddies, etc.’ A career in film criticism awaited me.
1977
Selected Extracts From My Diary
THE QUEEN’S SILVER Jubilee, and a sturdy, black WH Smith Desk Diary with handsome, embossed ‘1977’. Somewhat ruined by the overenthusiastic application of decorative tape to the cover – purchased with tokens off the back of Sugar Smacks packets in March – and a little Jubilee sticker.
I have filled the so-called ‘Memoranda’ section before the diary starts with many wonderful things, including another aerial view of our Action Man barracks, an in-depth questionnaire for all six of our Action Men (in which we discover that, for example, Captain Steven James Livingstone is nicknamed ‘Libby’, enjoys motorcycling and fish and chips and is best friends with Rodgers – honestly, it’s like backstage at the National), and a self-penned, quasi-Pythonesque Dictionary Of Useless And Silly Words (sample text: AGGRO – laying in the boot and dobbing over; BOGEYMEN – stupid, green, sticky blokes who get you when you come home from Cubs; PUNK ROCK – heavy ‘music’, Stranglers etc.; POUFF – a bit that way, queero; UGLY – Donny Osmond … and so it goes).
A further series of questionnaires have been filled in by non-fictional people, from Simon to Paul Milner. In my own, we discover that my favourite film is The Spy Who Loved Me, my favourite food is beans, my pet hates are vegetables and haircuts, and my favourite book is Airport ’77.
Joined-up writing lasts like a New Year’s resolution until 5 January, from whence it’s back to comic-style capitals. The drawings improve but a mood of coul
dn’t-care-less takes over towards the end of the year with very brief and scribbly entries. Funny age, 11–12.
Saturday, 1 January
Made a Lego house in the morning. Watched Swap Shop. Watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory in the afternoon, after playing Monopoly. New series of Jim’ll Fix It and Dr Who. Watched Starsky and Hutch.
Sunday, 2 January
Did drawing in the morning. More to my Target comic. Went to Nan Mabel’s for tea and the tea was lovely. Won 12p in bingo.1 I started doing a great picture of seagulls with my inks.
Saturday, 8 January
Went shopping this morning. I bought a fab Britains cowboy on horseback. Got some library books. Si went to the Cubs fancy dress party as Dracula. Dad mended my record player. We watched a new series of Mike Yarwood.2 Dad, Simon and I made our model planes. By the way Simon came second in his fancy dress party. Mum wouldn’t let us watch Starsky and Hutch.
Sunday, 9 January
Went for a ‘blow’ in the park. It was raining. We saw a squirrel. We saw some mice in the bird cages. Then we popped in Pap Collins’. I got two weeks of B&MFC.3 Pap gave us two a transfer each. Dad hung Simon’s plane up on the ceiling. I cut a load of faces out of the TV and Radio Times. And I’ve drawn cartoon bodies for them.
Tuesday, 18 January
Mum got us three a toothbrush each. Mine’s white. We had to draw a god for RE. I did Collius, God of Drawing! Mrs Goodall is away yet again. We had Mr Bates. No homework. Jes, Angus and I did a brill sequence in PE. Saw Spot On.4 Si went to Cubs.
Thursday, 10 February
I am getting brill at drawing figures now. In art I painted a footballer. I got 18/20 in the French test. Quite a bit of homework. It was our last lesson with Mrs Watling today as she is having a baby in April, she’s leaving tomorrow. I drew loads of figures tonight. I saw Just a Nimmo. Simon did his length at swimming.
Tuesday, 22 February
This morning I ‘lost’ my two Parker pens and so did Gibbons at the same time. Kim and Cameron also ‘lost’ theirs some weeks back. Very suspicious. I’ve been round all the classes.5 Choir’s back on again. A bit of homework. Mum cracked her false teeth and is using her spare ones.
Saturday, 26 February
This morning Swap Shop’s Swaporama came to Northampton. Si went. But in vain. And he got his shoes covered in thick mud.6 I stayed at home. Dad and Mum bought: a picture for the hall, a doormat and a mat for the kitchen. Mum and Dad went over the road to Mel and Margaret’s7 and Si and I stayed here and watched Thunderball.
Sunday, 27 February
Si went on the Cub cycle-cross at Overstone. We watched him. He came fifth. Very good. Nan M and Pap R came. I started a mad magazine called Ferret’s Own.
Friday, 4 March MY BIRTHDAY
I got … cassette recorder, two Parker pens, Concorde picture, Asterix book, money (about £7.50), Tempo. Went to the dentist’s in the afternoon. Had a filling. Si had couple out. A bit of homework. My party tomorrow sort of. Just Angus and Soardsy. Melissa is a bit off and was off school.
Sunday, 13 March
Si and I went down the field. Cor. Interesting. Sorry. My days are getting a bit boring these days.8
Monday, 14 March
Dad got us a Matchbox track from Green Shield Stamps. Went to the library after tea. Got: Heritage of Horror, Dad’s Army, Vision On and Asterix.
Wednesday, 16 March
Normal lessons. Usual stuff. It rained. No drama. Boring. Boring. (I mean today’s diary was boring.)
Thursday, 17 March
It rained a bit. Normal lessons.
Sunday, 20 March
Made a Jaws play kit (including rubber Jaws, Lego Orca, Quint, policeman and Professor Dreyfuss, two drunks, wreckage, boat).9 Played Newmarket.
Monday, 28 March
My denim waistcoat is well and truly finished. It snowed a tich bit but didn’t settle. Played with Carl. He gave me a load of Krazys and I’ve cut them out. Marbles are back in craze.
Friday, 13 May
Did athletics in games. Gained two Habitat marbles. Did drama and missed French. I had a brill scrap with Simon. I really bashed him in.
Wednesday, 18 May
Everyone went down the field, including: me, Angus, Dash, Kate, Taf, Gibby, B Jnr, Ally, Westy, Argy, Chris, Gibs, Si, Roobarb, Hirsty, etc. etc. etc.10 Argy and Gibby had a great scrap.
Saturday, 28 May
Went shopping. Melissa is being a twit. It was brill at swimming. It was sweltering. Poufter Dad won’t let me watch That’s Life. Maddo.11
Monday, 30 May
Played an ace game of stony for about two hours with me, Angus, Jes, Doyan,12 Little Paul, Doboe,13 David and Dashfield. Si gave me two marbles, two Habitats, one gobby and one ball bearing. Ace! Brill!
Sunday, 5 June
Looked at Dad’s Mayfair magazines. Wahey! Ssssh!14 Saw World About Us about a zoo doctor. That’s about all I spose. Si and I went on a Jubilee tour of the estate on bikes. We saw all the decorations.15
Tuesday, 14 June
We were all woke up at 6.30 because of loads of thunder plus rainrainrain. The garden was flooded, the roads were flooded and most of all, the school was flooded. It was about 24 inches deep in places. We nearly had to swim in the playground, but the spoilsport caretakers pumped it up.
Tuesday, 28 June
Simon went to Coombe Abbey. I got a Jubilee Crown presented in assembly for being ‘highly commended’ in an art comp. in which I painted the Muppets. I’ve joined the Dance and Movement Club.
Wednesday, 29 June
I got through to the second round of the Carol Barratt Art Prize and with the title ‘Wave After Wave’ in which you could do anything to do with the sea. I did a Jaws painting. Had loads of French homework. There was a car crash up the top of the street by the pub. One bloke got killed in it.
Tuesday, 12 July HOLS IN WALES
I got extreemly sunburnt. We went to Black Rock Sands. Congratulations!! You have won ‘Sentence of the Year 1977’ with the most interesting sentence ever written: ‘We went to Black Rock Sands.’ Wow! The way in which the words flow together. It is stupendous. (What does stupendous mean? Eh? Wot’s it mean? I dunno.)16
Wednesday, 20 July
It was quite nice and sunny. We discovered the hay barn and Mr Williams said we can climb on it so we did. We went to Black Rock Sands and in a café in Porthmadog I had a knickerbocker glory (45p).17 Si had a strawberry ice cream milk shake and Melissa had a strawberry whirl.
Sunday, 24 July
It was pretty sunny. But it was windy. I shot down an enemy Russian nuclear sonic guided missile anti-tank gun plane with a supersonic anti-nuclear plane double-barrelled triple-magazined anti-plane 59 vector gun. (You believe that don’t you?) Saw The Intelligence Men film. Wot ’orrible writing.
Monday, 25 July
It was quite a nice day. We played on bikes and on Simon’s ‘skateboard’ (bit of wood screwed on a roller skate!!). Tonight I went up Becky’s house to give her the fudge I got from Wales. But she wasn’t there so I’m going tomorrow maybe.
Tuesday, 26 July
This morning I cycled up Becky’s house and she was there this time. I gave her the fudge.18 I played with Carl after dinner and we made a Rollerball go-kart. (It’s only got a bit of wood on the front with ‘Rollerball’ written on it.)
Thursday, 28 July
Dean came down. Simon is being the most stupid git. He keeps being a bum. He is mad. He is thick. Simon smells. He is a slimy toad. He’s loony. He has the brain of a backward, demented chimpanzee.
Saturday, 30 July
We went shopping this morning. It was quite hot in the afternoon. I painted my British Infantry Support Group soldiers. They look brill. I’ve now got the set of Dr Whos (free in Weetabix) after a bit of swapping wiv Jonathan next door. Tonight we went up the park to see the paintings.19 We had an ice cream. Then we popped in Nan C’s. I got Action wiv an ace Spinball booklet. Wow! Action is the brillest comic in
the universal solar system. So is Krazy.
Friday, 5 August
I painted the Afrika Korps and German soldiers. They look ace. It rained, but it soon cleared up. Gibby, Si and I played Tiggy Off Ground but Si was a bad sport. He is an absolute idiot. He’s a bum.
Saturday, 6 August
Wowee! I sent an alien drawing to Si’s comic 2000AD ages ago. Now it’s been printed and I’ll win £2.20 Wowee! It rained. Bum.
Tuesday, 30 August
Usual stuff. Skateboards. Si and I played Colditz. Watched The Rise and Fall of Reginald Perrin. I have now gone mad on crispbread.
Monday, 2 September
Started doing proper timetable. It was pretty simple. Had games. Wow! Is my scout car model looking great? You bet. I am now an honorary fan of the Fonz.21 He is cool. Fonz is very cool.
Monday, 12 September
The bad news: loads of homework. The really good news: we went to the library. We had chips. We went to Pap’s and he had bought me the Airfix 1/32 scale Crusader III tank. Wow, it is just too fantastically brilliantly ace for words.
Thursday, 15 September
I’ve finished my model. Hardly any homework. Angus came down. I am now a member of the Airfix Modellers Club. I sent away for it. I got a certificate, badge, sticker, membership card, voucher, stamps, letter and kit price list. Wow! And just for 35p. My number is 106339.
Sunday, 25 September
We went to Uncle Pete’s and Auntie Wendy’s at Wisbech. Uncle Pete gave us some plums, a load of old model planes and a load of lollies. There I did my Prinz Eugen model. It’s really detailed. It looks brill though.
Sunday, 9 October
Usual stuff. Played Lego. Si and I played around the building site on the dirt heaps. Ace fun. Also saw Flight Into Holocaust. A mini plane smashed straight into a skyscraper and it was all about rescuing the passengers.22
Where Did It All Go Right? Page 19