Then, at middle school, by befriending Nigel Wilson I was forced to deal with my irrational distaste. He had an older brother, severely handicapped by cruel palsy, whose life was spent in a wheelchair being fed, watered and changed. His was a constant, dominant presence in Nigel’s house, but not a negative one. I learned from him some important lessons about humanity and dignity. Mrs Wilson understood him alright, so why shouldn’t I? He was just Nigel’s brother, not some kind of special case, and not a monster.
I think he died, but not in vain. It’s a pity I forgot all about him when I used the word ‘spaz’ at Weston Favell.
3. I have changed his name. I hope he grew up to be happy. He deserves it after what must have been a hellish time at Weston Favell. He once actually wet himself while doing long jump – that’s in white shorts everybody – and no kid should have to go through that.
4. As a born-again birder and RSPB member, I look back on this brief ornithological flirt with pride, although it had little precedent. My only field trip, to Ecton Brook on 24 October 1978, has been vigilantly recorded in a xeroxed form, with the following bird types ticked off: grey heron, red crested pochard, mute swan, quail, moorhen, coot, lapwing, herring gull, black-headed gull, skylark, carrion crow, hooded crow, great tit, blue tit, wren, mistle thrush, song thrush, blackbird, robin, dunnock, pied wagtail, grey wagtail, starling, greenfinch, goldfinch, bullfinch, chaffinch, reed bunting, house sparrow, tree sparrow. Bloody impressive, although I’m prepared to put one or two of those down to overenthusiasm and misidentification.
5. My devotion to Leeds continued long after my desire to get in with the hard kids. I doggedly recorded their scores throughout 1979, 1980 and 1981, even noting cancellations, such as the match against West Brom on 25 April 1981 due to snow. This was a genuine, healthy interest (12 September 1981: ‘Leeds ****ing lost 4–0 to Coventry. It’s a joke! Paul Hart has got appendicitis’) although it seems to fade in 1982. Mind you I was gay that year.
6. The first boy in our year to show pubic hair. Any bodily hair, in fact. But any latent pubescent jealousy was curtailed by the fact that he was the school fat lad.
1978
Selected Extracts From My Diary
I SUPPOSE I thought I was being clever when I took to the cover of this bright red Collins diary with a hole punch Dad had brought home from work. It is subsequently full of holes. I have tried to justify this act of self-abuse by writing ‘It’s a holy diary, lads’ in black marker (very funny) but that only makes aesthetic matters worse. There is also a nature sticker depicting a rock wallaby.
It’s a tatty artefact all round, 1978. Scribbly entries, lazy, rudimentary drawings, torn pages, felt-tip smudged by spit, and a sinister new development brought on by the onset of the teen years: dishonest tampering with the text. Stalin, however, would not have been proud of me – these rewrites are generally done in a different coloured pen! Who was I intending to fool? Myself? The police? They start to occur in May, when – and there’s no way round this – I become really interested in girls. My ever-changing loyalties, from Jackie Needham to Hayley Mayo, Anita Barker and back again, necessitate some glaring felt-pen revisionism. For the purposes of record, I shall transcribe the original words.
It’s all in capital letters now, and a declaration before the defaced title page lists some of my favourite things: rock wallabies, wombats, The Boomtown Rats, ELO, RSPB, girls, Grease, Lynda Carter, Roots, Monty Python, Olivia Newton John, kangaroo mice, hare wallabies, etc.
Saturday, 7 January
Went to Pap Collins’ party. Jane and Paul also went. We did a show to all the grown-ups, including: impressions (I did Shirley Bassey and Uncle Punk),1 Miss World 1978, plus Cinderella (I was the Fairy Godmother and the Prince). Dad got me Mad magazine. Pap bought me a Northampton diary and an invisible ink pen.
Wednesday, 25 January
Yahoo! A fab day. All the 4th year went in four coaches to Coventry to the Belgrade Theatre to see Mother Goose. Sounds pouffy but was absolutely ace. Reg Dixon, Ellis Jones and Carol Cleveland were in it. Then we came home at 6.00. I had some snack soup and Dad took me to squash. He beat the other bloke 3–1 easy.
Tuesday, 26 January
Yesterday Heidi got Ellis Jones’s autograph and I chatted her up today2 and she gave it to me. Ha. Did it ever occur to you that I am made of gold?
Friday, 3 February
Attempted to chat up Anita more. Not much use though. I’m getting her a Valentines card. That might help. No heating on at school. Everyone went around with their coats on all day. Brill laugh.
Sunday, 5 February
Played Lego demolition derbies but when I cut my finger really badly I went all dizzy and nearly passed out. Swoon. Started making a new comic called Ace!
Thursday, 9 February
I started chatting up Tracey Allen.3 Much better than chatting up Anita. Lots of homework. Huh! Mum and Dad went to the school this evening to get our reports.
Wednesday, 22 February
Oh goody! Because of no oil we’ve got tomorrow off school as well. Ace! Angus came this morning. Dad took us three to the library. I got a skateboarding book, a book about mammals, a book about film make-up and a Tony Hancock book. Magic. Magic.
Sunday, 26 February
Great! Dad cleared our room out completely and rearranged it and it is fab. Here is a news flash … I have gone mad on Star Wars. Luke Skywalker rules! Darth Vader lives. See-Threepio is king. So is Artoo-Detoo. Chewbacca is magic. Star Wars is ace!
Saturday, 4 March
It is actually my birthday. World celebrations. Magic! I got: Monty Python LP, Star Wars poster, Star Wars transfer, Star Wars book, Star Wars badges, skateboarding book, Asterix book, two cassettes, cassette cleaner, autograph book, Clapperboard Film Quiz Book etc. and £2.00 left. Angus came for a late night meal (gammon, duchess potatoes,4 gooseberry fool, cider) and he slept.
Wednesday, 8 March
Mrs Dennison took our form (4–1) to the Lings cinema to see To Kill A Mockingbird. It was in black and white and it was crap BUT I sat next to Tracey Allen. Didn’t do anything though.5 Huh!
Wednesday, 13 March MARBLE SEASON STARTS
We had no homework. Good. The teachers are on a ‘work to rule’ strike this week. They HAVE to leave the school premises at dinnertime or the coach will turn back into a pumpkin and there is no school dindins. HOOOORRRAAAYY! Once more innocent school children may live.
Saturday, 1 April
This is not an April Fool. Went shopping. Dad and Mum bought an ace Sony (£300) music centre. It is fabdiferousticlousant. It has a cassette deck, two speakers, headphones, radio facilities, stereo control, ace controllability, Dolby etc. etc. It is great. I have mastered the instructions already. I am clever. (That is an April Fool.)
Sunday, 9 April
STAYING AT MARGARET AND MEL’S IN CROWBOROUGH
Took the dog for another walk. I got in a mess with a stream, some holly and some barbed wire. Hmmm. Luvly dindins. Came back home from Margaret and Mel’s. Journey took four hours. Bought a Nutty at service station.
Wednesday, 12 April
The day has arrived at last. I asked Tina6 to go out with me to the pics to see Star Whores when it comes. Magic. She will think about it. Had a filling at the dentist’s.
Thursday, 13 April
Success! Tina said she will come! Hooray. She is brilliant. Our art’n’craft group did our project displays. Angus and me’s was ‘Terror Movies’. Tina kept sneaking me bits of her peppermint cream from the cookery class. It was nice.
Sunday, 16 April
Brill. Tina went down the field. Ace. I think she will come to Star Wars if Jackie Needham7 goes! So I am trying to pair up Angus and her so that they can go with me and Tina.
Wednesday, 19 April
Yawn. Boring day. No homework. Bollocks. I suspect Tina does not want to go out with me any more. Flipflipflipflipflipballs.
Aaaaw!
Thursday, 20 April
Snotsno
tsnotsnotsnotsnotsnot. Tina is going out with Mark Walsh.8 You can’t trust girls. Huh! I’m in a right mood now. Had haircut.
Wednesday, 29 April
Ace. Jackie and I went round to Joanne Flanders’ new house which they haven’t moved into yet. And we ate our packed lunches there. It rained. Walked home with Jackie. Tonight Dad and Mum took me to Whitehills squash club and I watched them play. Had quiteabita homework. Well …
DISASTERS 0
TRIUMPHS 3
And a fantastic win for the Triumphs in their first match.9
Monday, 8 May
Simon’s being a right bummer, lolling about all over my bed like a demented dead armadillo. Doing well wiv Jackie10 (so wot else is new?). Went to a parents/children meeting about the trip to France we’re going on. Great doss.
TRIUMPHS 2
DISASTERS 0
Tuesday, 23 May
What a fantastic day. Triumph 1 – made a lovely jalousie (fruit pie) in cookery 10/10. Triumph 2 – tonight I went out wiv Jackie to see Star Whores. Ace. It was absolutely brilliant. We had a great time. AT LAST I HAVE BEEN OUT WITH A GIRL. Jackie is wonderful.
Wednesday, 24 May
After school Angus came down. We had grate fun. No homework. By the way, I am now Han Solo. Great, kid, don’t get cocky. Don’t worry, she’ll hold together. Hold together, baby.
TRIUMPHS 2
DISASTERS 0
Thursday, 25 May
Doesn’t it smell? Yes. I don’t think Jackie wants to go out wiv me any more. Huh. Snot fair is it? No it isn’t. But I’m gonna keep working on her.
TRIUMPHS 0
DISASTERS 5,822
Wot a bum day.
Tuesday, 6 June
A grate day. Made chocolate cake in cookery 10/10. After school Paul came round. (By the way Jackie is ill and woz away from school.) So Paul, me and Anita walked round the lake, across a field, cross the motorway, up Thorburn Road, down Church Way and down Bridgewater Drive. Put my arm round Anita. And we held hands.11
DISASTERS 1
TRIUMPHS 4
Friday, 9 June
Grate stuff. I had thoroughly gived up with Jackie and I asked Tina, Lindsey12 and Hayley13 out at school. Three refusals. BUT Hayley rang me up after I’d had my hair cut and said she WOULD go out wiv me, and so it was all arranged. So me, Hayley, her brother Vaughan and Liz Carr went round the field, up the pub and round Liz’s house in her bed(room). Ho ho. Hayley is grate. AC4HM
DISASTERS 0
TRIUMPHS 4
Saturday, 10 June
Wot a grate day. First of all I was going out with Hayley to see Crimebusters at the ABC but … she couldn’t go, so we went down the field. (By the way Margaret, Mel, Martin and Sarah came to sleep so Mum and Dad had a party with all the street.) I was just getting involved in this wild party when, after two sherries, Hayley’s brother rang up and said that their Mum and Dad had gone out. So I went up Hayley’s until 10.30. When I came home, had a few more sherries and I am stoned. It is now 11.30 and this sherry’s gone to my head. Really.14
TRIUMPHS 6
DISASTERS 0
Tuesday, 13 June SCHOOL TRIP TO FRANCE
Got up at 4.30 in de morning to go to France. The channel crossing was good. Got to the colonie at 9.30. Had a bowl of tea and went to beddy-byes in the dormitories. Our coach driver is Derek. Our ferry was called The Dragon. French people are greasy.15 Ah please!16
TRIUMPHS 3
DISASTERS 0
Wednesday, 14 June
Had a coupla boring lectures from Mr Yates who runs the colonie. Went down the village. I bought two postcards and a French Cornetto. Went to a Benedictine Monastery. It was a dead bore. Lovely meals at this colonie. Had an ace disco till 9.30.
TRIUMPHS 3
DISASTERS 1
Thursday, 15 June
Went to Dieppe. We visited a French school. Had gob for school dinners there. Made friends with and talked in greasy French to Sophie, Natalie, Bob, Geres, Phillipe and Anne. Went to Mammouth Supermarche (greasy version of Tesco’s). Lovely evening meal. Had ’nother chronic disco. Didn’t go. Played table tennis.
TRIUMPHS 4
DISASTERS 1
Saturday, 17 June
It rained again. Went to Dieppe to the market. I bought a French loaf, some liqueurs and a pen set. Then it poured so we came back to the colonie. Sang French sweaty songs. Had anuvva lecture and had snails for evening meal. They were vomit. Left for home at five to eight. Slept on the ferry. Crossing very rough.
TRIUMPHS 1
DISASTERS 3
Friday, 14 July
Paul came to my house after school and we went to Nina’s disco17 at 8.00. Loads of kids went including Anita, Keith, Angus, Colin, Liz, Sally, Tracey, Neil etc. I had a grate time drinking whole bottles of Coke and tipping orange over Jackie. Came home at 10.30. On the way I ripped my pinstripes as I fell over. I also had a nose bleed. Paul slept at my house tonight.
TRIUMPHS 4
DISASTERS 1
Friday, 21 July
Sniff! It was the last day at Abington Vale Middle School for me … EVER! Sob sob. All the girls were crying. I won the Carol Barratt Art Cup. I gotten a certificate. I’ll also get a cup presented. Anita was crying all the way home. Isn’t it very sad? Went to bed early as we are going to Wales to Llithfaen tomorrow.
TRIUMPHS 2
DISASTERS 2
Thursday, 26 July WALES
We went on a lovely brisk walk to the Deserted Village but … for one thing the walk itself is really really long and it is all uphill on the way back, and it bloody poured wiv rain and even hailed and it wuz absolutely a hurricane. So wot. We enjoyed it just de same. Sent all my postcards. Played in the hay barn again. Come on, weather, you’d better buck your ideas up a bit.
TRIUMPHS 3
DISASTERS 2
Saturday, 12 August
Went to town in the morning and I bought some straight-leg cords and a pair of ace Levi’s boots. Tonight saw the film Them on TV. It wuz grate.
TRIUMPHS 3
DISASTERS 0
Wednesday, 30 August
Went to Nan Collins’ for dindins and tea. Dad got me a Film Review 1975-76 from the jolly old library. Reading Dr Who and the Auton Invasion. Grate. Saw Z Cars, wiv a stripper. Woohoo. Nipples.
Tuesday, 5 September BACK TO SCHOOL
To my new school, Weston Favell Upper. Well we (the new third years) didn’t have to go to school till 1.15. Here is de details: Mr (Billy) Bowden is head of our year. I am in form 3CN (room M2). Our form teacher is nice Miss Chapman. We had a history lesson with Mrs Hadkins (who is also nice). Mr Bowden is fat. Wot a bum. But certainly today wasn’t as bad as I imagined. (Saw Goodies.)
TRIUMPHS 3
DISASTERS 1
Wednesday, 6 September
Today had some good aspects and some bad aspects. Good: I am in top set for maths with Duncan and Stuart Skelton. Most of our teachers are nice. School dinners are lovely. Bad: there is no-one in my class I know … or want to know. I hate my class. Also … PE is absolutely nasty, like the teacher Mr Jenkinson. Oh dear.
TRIUMPHS 2
DISASTERS 2
Friday, 22 September
Grate day. For a start we didn’t have any really bad homework. Dad bought the Grease album. I received my ELO Fan Club membership. Dad took me to Lings cinema to see Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It was the best film I’ve seen. It wuz really dead magic.
TRIUMPHS 5
DISASTERS 0
Wednesday, 4 October
Got a letter from Anita. There wuz a whole bunch of Smurf stickers in Look-In. Went wiv Dad to the Old Wellingburians Squash Racquets Club. He won 5–1 against a bloke called Whitcombe.
TRIUMPHS 3
DISASTERS 0
Monday, 9 October
Had a boring Monday at school. Usual stinkin’ lessons. Paul18 and I are probly joining the bird watchers club which will be a larf. Mucked about round at Hirsty’s19 place tonight listening to his mag
ic 10CC single ‘Dreadlock Holiday’ etc. Saw Till Death Us Do Part film on TV.
TRIUMPHS 3
DISASTERS 0
Tuesday, 24 October
Went on a grate bird watching field trip organised by Mr Bowden and Mr Gilbert. About twelve went. We went in the school minibus to the Ecton Brook sewage farm. I spotted a heron and a kestrel and 25 other species. Just saw de final episode ob Roots. It wuz de greatest programme of all time.20
TRYUMPFS 3
DIZARSTARS 0
Wednesday, 1 November
Yesterday Mum got me a grate Confessions From the Pop Scene from her ‘Wives’ bazaar. I would’ve told you yesterday only Mum came back at 11.00 and I only got the book this morning etc. Clear! Good. Had a new telly. Boring day at school. Had gym. Hirsty came round tonight. Dad got me a (37p) black Pentel. This is it. Didn’t see Monty Python tonight. Probly because it’s on Mondays.
TRIUMPHS 3
DISASTERS 0
Thursday, 23 November
Hallo, lads. I’m going to write my diary normally today. Sorry about that. Oops … today we studied agriculture in India in geography. Also permanent chemical changes in chemistry. We were taught how to pass the ball in rugby and we looked over some revision in German. I had beefburgers for tea and after completing my chemistry homework at 6.52 … oh crumbs. Now you can see why I write my diary silly. That is boring.
TRIUMPHS 0
DISASTERS 0
Sunday, 26 November
After dinner, Mum, Dad, Si, me and Melissa went to Overstone squash club. And after a load of absolute skill games ob squash Dad got me an early Christmas pressy: a grate, magic, good new Ascot 2070 squash racquet.21
Tuesday, 12 December
It’s the exams tomorrow. Normal lessons. (Hey! Exams tomorrow.) Did a lot of revision in lessons (it’s exams by the way). Hirsty came round tonight. (It’s the exams tomorrow.) He gave me a card (exams don’t forget). So did Liz and Jackie (exams you know). Saw Man Alive about fears (like the exams).
Where Did It All Go Right? Page 23