Chapter XXXVI
The daylight came. I rose at dawn. I busied myself for an hour or two with arranging my things in my chamber, drawers, and wardrobe, in the order wherein I should wish to leave them during a brief absence. Meantime, I heard St. John quit his room. He stopped at my door; I feared he would knock—no, but a slip of paper was passed under the door. I took it up. It bore these words:
“You left me too suddenly last night. Had you stayed but a little longer, you would have laid your hand on the Christian’s cross and the angel’s crown. I shall expect your clear decision when I return this day fortnight. Meantime, watch and pray that you enter not into temptation; the spirit, I trust, is willing, but the flesh, I see, is weak.112 I shall pray for you hourly. Yours, St. John.”
“My spirit,” I answered mentally, “is willing to do what is right; and my flesh, I hope, is strong enough to accomplish the will of Heaven, when once that will is distinctly known to me. At any rate, it shall be strong enough to search—inquire—to grope an outlet from this cloud of doubt, and find the open day of certainty.”
It was the first of June, yet the morning was overcast and chilly; rain beat fast on my casement. I heard the front door open and St. John pass out. Looking through the window, I saw him traverse the garden. He took the way over the misty moors in the direction of Whitcross; there he would meet the coach.
“In a few more hours I shall succeed you in that track, cousin,” thought I; “I too have a coach to meet at Whitcross. I too have some to see and ask after in England, before I depart forever.”
It wanted yet two hours of breakfast-time. I filled the interval in walking softly about my room and pondering the visitation which had given my plans their present bent. I recalled that inward sensation I had experienced: for I could recall it, with all its unspeakable strangeness. I recalled the voice I had heard; again I questioned whence it came, as vainly as before; it seemed in me—not in the external world. I asked, was it a mere nervous impression—a delusion? I could not conceive or believe it; it was more like an inspiration. The wondrous shock of feeling had come like the earthquake which shook the foundations of Paul and Silas’ prison;113 it had opened the doors of the soul’s cell, and loosed its bands—it had wakened it out of its sleep, whence it sprung trembling, listening, aghast; then vibrated thrice a cry on my startled ear, and in my quaking heart, and through my spirit; which neither feared nor shook, but exulted as if in joy over the success of one effort it had been privileged to make, independent of the cumbrous body.
“Ere many days,” I said, as I terminated my musings, “I will know something of him whose voice seemed last night to summon me. Letters have proved of no avail—personal inquiry shall replace them.”
At breakfast, I announced to Diana and Mary that I was going on a journey, and should be absent at least four days.
“Alone, Jane?” they asked.
“Yes; it was to see, or hear news of, a friend about whom I had for some time been uneasy.”
They might have said, as I have no doubt they thought, that they had believed me to be without any friends save them; for, indeed, I had often said so; but with their true natural delicacy, they abstained from comment; except that Diana asked me if I was sure I was well enough to travel. I looked very pale, she observed. I replied that nothing ailed me save anxiety of mind, which I hoped soon to alleviate.
It was easy to make my further arrangements; for I was troubled with no inquiries—no surmises. Having once explained to them that I could not now be explicit about my plans, they kindly and wisely acquiesced in the silence with which I pursued them; according to me the privilege of free action, I should, under similar circumstances, have accorded them.
I left Moor House at three o‘clock P.M., and soon after four I stood at the foot of the sign-post at Whitcross, waiting the arrival of the coach which was to take me to distant Thornfield. Amid the silence of those solitary roads and desert hills, I heard it approach from a great distance. It was the same vehicle whence, a year ago, I had alighted one summer evening on this very spot—how desolate, and hopeless, and objectless! It stopped as I beckoned. I entered—not now obliged to part with my whole fortune as the price of its accommodation. Once more on the road to Thornfield, I felt like the messenger-pigeon flying home.
It was a journey of six-and-thirty hours. I had set out from Whitcross on a Tuesday afternoon, and early on the succeeding Thursday morning the coach stopped to water the horses at a wayside inn, situated in the midst of scenery whose green hedges and large fields and low, pastoral hills (how mild of feature and verdant of hue compared with the stern north-midland moors of Morton!) met my eye like the lineaments of a once familiar face. Yes, I knew the character of this landscape; I was sure we were near my bourn.
“How far is Thornfield Hall from here?” I asked of the hostler.
“Just two miles, ma‘am, across the fields.”
“My journey is closed,” I thought to myself. I got out of the coach, gave a box I had into the hostler’s charge, to be kept till I called for it; paid my fare; satisfiedib the coachman, and was going; the brightening day gleamed on the sign of the inn, and I read in gilt letters, “The Rochester Arms.” My heart leaped up; I was already on my master’s very lands. It fell again; the thought struck it:
“Your master himself may be beyond the British Channel, for aught you know; and then, if he is at Thornfield Hall, toward which you hasten, who beside him is there? His lunatic wife; and you have nothing to do with him; you dare not speak to him or seek his presence. You have lost your labor—you had better go no further,” urged the monitor. “Ask information of the people at the inn; they can give you all you seek; they can solve your doubts at once. Go up to that man, and inquire if Mr. Rochester be at home.”
The suggestion was sensible; and yet I could not force myself to act on it. I so dreaded a reply that would crush me with despair. To prolong doubt was to prolong hope. I might yet once more see the hall under the ray of her star. There was the stile before me—the very fields through which I had hurried, blind, deaf, distracted, with a revengeful fury tracking and scourging me, on the morning I fled from Thornfield; ere I well knew what course I had resolved to take, I was in the midst of them. How fast I walked! How I ran sometimes! How I looked forward to catch the first view of the well-known woods! With what feelings I welcomed single trees I knew, and familiar glimpses of meadow and hill between them!
At last the woods rose; the rookery clustered dark; a loud cawing broke the morning stillness. Strange delight inspired me; on I hastened. Another field crossed—a lane threaded—and there were the court-yard walls—the back offices; the house itself, the rookery still hid.
“My first view of it shall be in front,” I determined, “where its bold battlements will strike the eye nobly at once, and where I can single out my master’s very window; perhaps he will be standing at it—he rises early; perhaps he is now walking in the orchard, or on the pavement in front. Could I but see him!—but a moment! Surely, in that case I should not be so mad as to run to him? I cannot tell—I am not certain. And if I did—what then? God bless him! What then? Who would be hurt by my once more tasting the life his glance can give me?—I rave; perhaps at this moment he is watching the sun rise over the Pyrenees, or on the tideless sea of the south.”
I had coasted along the lower wall of the orchard—turned its angle; there was a gate just there, opening into the meadow, between two stone pillars, crowned by stone balls. From behind one pillar I could peep round quietly at the full front of the mansion. I advanced my head with precaution, desirous to ascertain if any bed-room window-blinds were yet drawn up; battlements, windows, long front—all from this sheltered station were at my command.
The crows sailing overhead perhaps watched me while I took this survey. I wonder what they thought; they must have considered I was very careful and timid at first, and that gradually I grew very bold and reckless. A peep, and then a long stare; and then a departure from
my niche and a straying out into the meadow; and a sudden stop full in front of the great mansion, and a protracted, hardy gaze toward it. “What affectation of diffidence was this at first!” they might have demanded. “What stupid regardlessnessic now!”
Hear an illustration, reader.
A lover finds his mistress asleep on a mossy bank; he wishes to catch a glimpse of her fair face without waking her. He steals softly over the grass, careful to make no sound; he pauses—fancying she has stirred; he withdraws; not for worlds would he be seen. All is still—he again advances—he bends above her; a light veil rests on her features; he lifts it, bends lower; now his eyes anticipate the vision of beauty—warm and blooming and lovely in rest. How hurried was their first glance! But how they fix! How he starts! How he suddenly and vehemently clasps in both arms the form he dare not, a moment since, touch with his finger! How he calls aloud a name, and drops his burden, and gazes on it wildly! He thus grasps, and cries, and gazes, because he no longer fears to waken by any sound he can utter—by any movement he can make. He thought his love slept sweetly; he finds she is stone dead.
I looked with timorous joy toward a stately house; I saw a blackened ruin.
No need to cower behind a gate-post, indeed! to peep up at chamber lattices, fearing life was astir behind them! No need to listen for doors opening—to fancy steps on the pavement or the gravel-walk! The lawn, the grounds, were trodden and waste; the portal yawned void. The front was, as I had once seen it in a dream,114 but a shell-like wall, very high and very fragile-looking, perforated with paneless windows; no roof, no battlements, no chimneys—all had crashed in.
And there was the silence of death about it; the solitude of a lonesome wild. No wonder that letters addressed to people here had never received an answer; as well despatch epistles to a vault in a church-aisle. The grim blackness of the stones told by what fate the hall had fallen—by conflagration; but how kindled? What story belonged to this disaster? What loss, besides mortar, and marble, and woodwork, had followed upon it? Had life been wrecked, as well as property? If so, whose? Dreadful question; there was no one here to answer it—not even dumb sign, mute token.
In wandering round the shattered walls and through the devastated interior, I gathered evidence that the calamity was not of late occurrence. Winter snows, I thought, had drifted through that void arch, winter rains beaten in at those hollow casements; for, amid the drenched piles of rubbish, spring had cherished vegetation; grass and weed grew here and there between the stones and fallen rafters. And, oh! where, meantime, was the hapless owner of this wreck? In what land? Under what auspices? My eye involuntarily wandered to the gray church tower near the gates, and I asked, “Is he with Darner de Rochester, sharing the shelter of his narrow marble house?”
Some answer must be had to these questions. I could find it nowhere but at the inn; and thither, ere long, I returned. The host himself brought my breakfast into the parlor. I requested him to shut the door and sit down; I had some questions to ask him. But when he complied, I scarcely knew how to begin; such horror had I of the possible answers. And yet the spectacle of desolation I had just left prepared me in a measure for a tale of misery. The host was a respectable-looking middle-aged man.
“You know Thornfield Hall, of course?” I managed to say at last.
“Yes, ma‘am; I lived there once.”
“Did you?” Not in my time, I thought; you are a stranger to me.
“I was the late Mr. Rochester’s butler,” he added.
The late! I seemed to have received with full force the blow I had been trying to evade.
“The late!” I gasped. “Is he dead?”
“I mean the father of Mr. Edward, the present gentleman,” he explained. I breathed again; my blood resumed its flow. Fully assured by these words that Mr. Edward—my Mr. Rochester (God bless him, wherever he was!) was at least alive; was, in short, “the present gentleman,” (gladdening words!) it seemed I could hear all that was to come—whatever the disclosures might be—with comparative tranquility. Since he was not in the grave, I could bear, I thought, to learn that he was at the Antipodes.id
“Is Mr. Rochester living at Thornfield Hall now?” I asked, knowing, of course, what the answer would be, but yet desirous of deferring the direct question as to where he really was.
“No, ma‘am—oh, no! No one is living there. I suppose you are a stranger in these parts, or you would have heard what happened last autumn. Thornfield Hall is quite a ruin; it was burned down just about harvest time. A dreadful calamity! such an immense quantity of valuable property destroyed; hardly any of the furniture could be saved. The fire broke out at dead of night, and before the engines arrived from Millcote, the building was one mass of flame. It was a terrible spectacle; I witnessed it myself.”
“At dead of night!” I muttered. Yes, that was ever the hour of fatality at Thornfield. “Was it known how it originated?” I demanded.
“They guessed, ma‘am; they guessed. Indeed, I should say it was ascertained beyond a doubt. You are not perhaps aware,” he continued, edging his chair a little nearer the table, and speaking low, “that there was a lady—a—a lunatic, kept in the house?”
“I have heard something of it.”
“She was kept in very close confinement, ma‘am; people even for some years were not absolutely certain of her existence. No one saw her; they only knew by rumor that such a person was at the hall; and who or what she was it was difficult to conjecture. They said Mr. Edward had brought her from abroad; and some believed she had been his mistress. But a queer thing happened a year since—a very queer thing.”
I feared now to hear my own story. I endeavored to recall him to the main fact.
“And this lady?”
“This lady, ma‘am,” he answered, “turned out to be Mr. Rochester’s wife! The discovery was brought about in the strangest way. There was a young lady, a governess at the hall, that Mr. Rochester fell in—”
“But the fire?” I suggested.
“I’m coming to that, ma‘am—that Mr. Edward fell in love with. The servants say they never saw anybody so much in love as he was; he was after her continually. They used to watch him—servants will, you know, ma’am—and he set store on her past everything; for all, nobody but him thought her so very handsome. She was a little small thing, they say, almost like a child. I never saw her myself; but I’ve heard Leah, the housemaid, tell of her. Leah liked her well enough. Mr. Rochester was about forty, and this governess not twenty; and, you see, when gentlemen of his age fall in love with girls, they are often like as if they were bewitched: well, he would marry her.”
“You shall tell me this part of the story another time,” I said; “but now I have a particular reason for wishing to hear all about the fire. Was it suspected that this lunatic, Mrs. Rochester, had any hand in it?”
“You’ve hit it, ma‘am; it’s quite certain that it was her, and nobody but her, that set it going. She had a woman to take care of her, called Mrs. Poole—an able woman in her line, and very trustworthy; but for one fault—a fault common to a deal of them nurses and matrons—she kept a private bottle of gin by her, and now and then took a drop over-much. It’s excusable, for she had a hard life of it; but still it was dangerous; for, when Mrs. Poole was fast asleep, after the gin and water, the mad lady, who was as cunning as a witch, would take the keys out of her pocket, let herself out of her chamber, and go roaming about the house, doing any wild mischief that came into her head. They say she had nearly burned her husband in his bed once; but I don’t know about that. However, on this night, she set fire first to the hangings of the room next her own; and then she got down to a lower story, and made her way to the chamber that had been the governess’—(she was like as if she knew somehow how matters had gone on, and had a spite at her)—and she kindled the bed there; but there was nobody sleeping in it, fortunately. The governess had run away two months before; and for all Mr. Rochester sought her as if she had been the most precious thi
ng he had in the world, he could never hear a word of her; and he grew quite savage—quite savage on his disappointment; he never was a wild man, but he got dangerous after he lost her. He would be alone, too. He sent Mrs. Fairfax, the housekeeper, away to her friends at a distance; but he did it handsomely, for he settled an annuity on her for life; and she deserved it—she was a very good woman. Miss Adèle, a ward he had, was put to school. He broke off acquaintance with all the gentry, and shut himself up, like a hermit, at the hall.”
“What! did he not leave England?”
“Leave England? Bless you, no! He would not cross the door-stones of the house, except at night, when he walked just like a ghost about the grounds and in the orchard, as if he had lost his senses—which it is my opinion he had; for a more spirited, bolder, keener gentleman than he was before that midge of a governess crossed him, you never saw, ma‘am. He was not a man given to wine, or cards, or racing, as some are, and he was not so very handsome; but he had a courage and a will of his own, if ever man had. I knew him from a boy, you see; and for my part I have often wished that Miss Eyre had been sunk in the sea before she came to Thornfield Hall.”
“Then Mr. Rochester was at home when the fire broke out!”
“Yes, indeed was he; and he went up to the attics when all was burning above and below, and got the servants out of their beds and helped them down himself—and went back to get his mad wife out of her cell. And then they called out to him that she was on the roof, where she was standing, waving her arms above the battlements, and shouting out till they could hear her a mile off; I heard her, and saw her with my own eyes. She was a big woman, and had long black hair; we could see it streaming against the flames as she stood. I witnessed, and several more witnessed, Mr. Rochester ascend through the skylight on to the roof; we heard him call ‘Bertha!’ We saw him approach her; and then, ma‘am, she yelled, and gave a spring, and the next minute she lay smashed on the pavement.”
Jane Eyre (Barnes & Noble Classics Series) Page 56