by Allegra Skye
Keira put her head in her hands. She felt herself changing day by day. How was she going to get through this year? She hardly knew who she was anymore.
Keira wished she could return to her old school, her old life, her old family. She wished she could be the person she used to be before the accident, someone who couldn’t see shadow, who couldn’t read minds, who didn’t feel the danger. But, there was no going back. She was who she was now, and had to find out who that truly was, and what was needed from her.
*
There were a few classes left before the end of the day, but Keira had had enough. She had to get out of there, to get some fresh air, to clear her mind, to try to make sense of everything. She headed down the empty hall, and headed right for the main doors.
As she opened the doors and stepped outside, to her surprise, she saw someone standing there, leaning against the wall. She couldn’t believe it. It was him. Cooper.
Keira stopped cold. “What are you doing here?” she breathed.
“Just waiting, “ he answered, cryptically.
Keira thought, puzzled. “For me?”
He shrugged, looking away.
“What made you think I’d be here now?”
“I had a hunch.”
She looked back at him, not sure what to say. Not only was she surprised, but she was still mad at him for leaving so abruptly the other night.
“I hurt your feelings last night,” he suddenly said, as if reading her mind. Could he read minds, too? She wondered.
Keira was never good at keeping anything secret. She felt her lower lip trembling.
“Yes, you did.”
“I had to,” he replied. “Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. I’m sorry.”
Keira felt swept up in the bond between them, thrilled to be talking to him again. It almost didn’t matter what he said. She was so enthralled just being close to him, that she didn’t even notice the group of kids near the door, watching them. Cooper noticed though.
“We can’t stand here and talk.” Want to come with me?” he asked.
She looked at him. His expression was inscrutable. “Where?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. Anywhere but here.”
Then he placed his hand on hers. As soon as he touched her, Keira melted. There was no way in the world she could refuse him. She turned and followed him down the steps.
He walked to an old, blue car, a vintage muscle car from the 60s. They got in quickly, and with everyone watching, drove away.
“Where are we going?” she asked softly.
“I’m not sure,” he said, suddenly on edge again.
But at least, she was with him. Thank God you came back, Keira wanted to say. But she kept her mouth closed, afraid to push him away. She wanted to ask him about Melba too, and the Autumn Harvest Dance. Was he taking her?
But she couldn’t hold onto her thoughts as he drove more and more quickly, with the streets, trees and houses all racing by them in a blur.
He turned onto a side road. Keira wondered with a shock if he was taking her to his house.
He wasn’t. He stopped the car at a park near the lake. There were miles of lawn with benches on it, and a little sand beach at the edge of the lake. A few geese were walking up and down on it. Other than that, it was completely empty. Up a little in the distance was a small, cottage, probably for the park attendant.
“Do you want to take a walk?” he asked, calmer now.
Keira didn’t. She just wanted to stay there and be close to him.
“Sure,” she said, “whatever you want.”
They got out and walked along the shore of the lake. It was empty and beautiful. The shore, made up of pebbles, wrapped around in a gentle circle, surrounded by trees on all sides.
They walked in silence for several minutes. She wasn’t sure what to say, and she started to wonder if he’d ever speak.
Just then, he reached out and held her hand. The touch of his skin was very cold, but felt so good. They held hands as they walked, and she’d never been so happy.
He finally stopped and turned to her and stared into her eyes. Keira saw how hard this was for him. It looked like there was something important he wanted to say, that he was keeping inside.
“You’re beautiful,” he said.
“I am?”
She had never believed it before, but somehow, when he said it, for the first time she believed it might be true.
“You’re different than the others,” he breathed.
He lifted one hand and ran it through her hair.
“Your eyes shine,” he was staring into them
“So do yours,” Keira whispered.
She felt herself trembling. Was he going to kiss her?
“I never, ever want to hurt you,” he went on quickly. “I wasn’t rejecting you yesterday.” For a second he looked as though he would cry.
“Thank you,” Keira said.
“I just…I…have to be careful. We can’t spend too much time together.”
Keira’s mind clouded. There was such intense, wonderful energy between them. Why wouldn’t he want to stay close?
“Why not?” she asked in a tiny tone.
“I…” he began, then stopped. “There’s something I can’t tell you.”
He spoke as if he were having difficulty controlling his feelings and thoughts.
Keira didn’t understand.
“Don’t try to understand,” he warned.
“It’s just that - “
He cut her off. “I know,” he said, softly for a moment. But in the next second the softness was gone. “You can’t count on me. You can’t wait for me.,” his words flowed all over each other.
Keira wanted to shut them all out.
“If this is the only time we have together, be happy. Don’t look for more. I might be leaving soon.”
Keira was shocked. “Leaving? Where? Why?”
Keira breathed, trying not to get dizzy or overwhelmed. The air was crisp and smelled of pine leaves.
“Shhh,” he said, slowly raising a finger to her lips.
He began to lean close, s she was sure he was going to kiss her. As he got closer, she closed her eyes.
In a few seconds, she opened her eyes. and she saw that he had backed away, was looking off into the lake. Her body began to feel icy inside.
“We have to go,” he said suddenly.
She couldn’t believe it. Something was terribly wrong. How could he flip like that, change so quickly? Was it her fault? What had she done? Obviously, she wasn’t enough for him. She felt entirely crushed.
Without saying a word, they walked back to his car and he drove her home in complete silence. The silence between them was so deafening, Keira felt as though her head would split in two.
As much as she’d loved him, she hated him now. He’d made a fool of her. Made her feel she’d never make the grade.
As they pulled up in front of her house, he softly said, “I’m sorry.”
She couldn’t bear to look at him again. It was too painful. She just got out without a word, slammed the door, and walked to her house. As she heard his car pull away she felt like bursting into tears. What did she have left to live for, she wondered? Everything she’d cared about was gone..
CHAPTER 15
Keira walked into the house, took off her jacket, put it in the closet, and then felt someone walk into the foyer. Keira turned around. Her mother had come home.
This was the first time she’d seen her since the accident. She looked extremely pale and thin, and had dark circles under her eyes. It was shocking for both of them to see each other. Her mother stared at her, and Keira stared back.
“Who was that who drove you home?” her mother said, her voice brittle.
“A friend from school,” said Keira.
“Now you have friends at school?” her mother said, in a sarcastic tone.
Keira felt as though someone had a thrown a little, sharp knife at her.
“Something wrong with having friends?”
“Now that Amanda isn’t here, it’s easy for you to make friends?” Her mother’s voice trembled.
“What?” Keira couldn’t believe what she was hearing.
“I can’t remember one other time when I saw a friend drive you home,” her mother’s eyes narrowed. “I guess without the competition from your sister, the attention goes to you.”
Keira felt punched in the belly. Her mother was out of control.
“How is Amanda?” said Keira, trying to deflect the hatred coming at her.
“Do you really care?”
“Of course I care. Very much. I’ve been asking to see her.”
“What good would it do her for you to visit?” her mother snapped back.
“What good does it do her for you to be there, sitting at her side?” Keira’s voice started to raise now. The days when her mother could talk to her that way were coming to an end.
“How dare you speak to me in that tone of voice?” her mother said. “I happen to love Amanda. She feels it. She needs to be loved.”
“And I don’t?”
“Do you?”
Keira scoffed out loud, surprising even herself.
“Laughing at me? There’s something terribly wrong with you, Keira, right from the day you were born.”
“ All of this has been an ordeal for me, too,” Keira said even more strongly.
“I bet it is. Driving home with a friend, coming in the house smiling. Seems life is better for you now than before.”
Keira wanted to say that life was better for her when her mother wasn’t around, but she didn’t.
“And I have no life now that my daughter is gone,” her mother’s voice droned on.
“Gone?” said Keira. She wanted to slap her mother, wake her up. Even with all the difficulty between them over the years, nothing ever rose to this level. Of course, they never had to face a situation like this.
Keira decided to keep to the point. “Amanda’s gone?” She had a right to know.
“Not dead,” her mother retorted, “she’s still in the coma. Sometimes her eyes flutter. Sometimes they even open, as if she wants to tell me something. I sit at her bedside and listen for what it is she wants to say. Do you also think that’s crazy?”
“No, I don’t,” said Keira.
Oddly, that seemed to make her mother feel better. “Your father does,” she said.
“He says Amanda will never say another thing again.”
Keira’s heart dropped. She felt sick to her stomach. She had never felt so guilty in her life.
“If you hadn’t driven your sister on that winding, dangerous road in the rain, none of this would have happened,” her mother couldn’t stop. “You had your seat belt on. She didn’t. Why didn’t you make her put hers on as well?”
“I tried,” said Keira.
“I don’t believe you.”
“You always blame me for everything. Who would you blame if I was gone, too?”
Her mother sneered.
Suddenly, Keira saw the soft indigo light over her mom’s head. And then her mind opened, and she heard mother’s thoughts, clear as day.
I wish you were gone and Amanda was back. Why did God take her and leave you? What right do you have to be happy while your sister is fighting for her life? Did you do this to her?
Keira couldn’t stop her mother’s racing thoughts, which were now playing in Keira’s mind.
“Stop!” Keira yelled and put her hand up. “I didn’t harm Amanda. I tried to do you all a favor, driving her back and forth. She wanted to go on the back roads. The storm came. It couldn’t be stopped.”
She felt herself grow stronger and stronger as she spoke up, replacing her mother’s thoughts with her own. Keira refused to take blame that didn’t belong to her. And the stronger she became, the more her mother withered.
“You’re a horrible child,” her mother was weeping.
“I am a wonderful child,” Keira proclaimed. As she said it, she suddenly felt a warm glow come over her chest and back.
Her mother hands twisted and pointed right at Keira. “You are a monster. And you’ll never, ever see your sister again.”
“Oh yes, I will,” said Keira. She suddenly realized she had to actually say what she was thinking out loud, to fully take charge of her mother. And she suddenly realized that that was exactly what she needed to do: visit Amanda. She refused to let them hold her back for one more second.
“You will what?”
“I will see my sister!”
“We won’t let you in.”
At that moment, Keira understood vividly that she had every right to visit her sister. If she went to the hospital and told them who she was, they would actually have to let her in. Her mother couldn’t stop her. Neither could her father.
Her mother started sobbing and Keira suddenly felt badly for her. She went over to her mother to put her arm around her, comfort her somehow.
As soon as Keira touched her, her mother’s head coiled upwards and with a sharp twist of her shoulder, she shook Keira off violently.
“Get away from me!” her mother howled. “I don’t want you to touch me, ever!”
Keira backed away and swiftly felt herself fall through a dark hole of anguish and pain. She raced to the front door of the house and flung it open.
“Where do you think you’re going? Where do you think you’re going!?” her mother yelled after her.
Keira raced out into the dark, cold night.
She can yell all she wants, Keira thought, it won’t do her any good.
The bond between them was broken for good.
CHAPTER 16
The bus on the corner drove Keira right to the main entrance of the hospital. The hospital was a sprawling, five story building, with smaller buildings and labs situated behind. There were benches outside, lawns, and walkways which led from one building to the next. For a second, Keira was scared to walk in. It struck her that Amanda was lying in bed up there, in a coma. The time had gone so quickly. Keira thought of her sister as resting, in a deep sleep and always fully expected her to wake up. The idea that she wouldn’t was more than she could bear.
Keira walked up to the main entrance, pushed open the door and stopped at the visitor’s desk to get her pass. “Room 1707,” she said nonchalantly. That was Amanda’s private room.
The person behind the desk looked at her for a moment.
“Are you family?” she asked.
“Yes,” Keira said.
She gave her the pass. “Sign in.”
Keira signed her name, as if everything were routine and she hadn’t been forbidden from visiting her sister this whole time.
Keira took the mask and walked slowly to the row of elevators. For a moment she felt as though she were trespassing. But why didn’t she have the right to be here? Amanda was her twin sister. Why had she allowed her parent’s madness keep her away all this time? What kind of weakness had taken hold of her life?
Keira took the elevator to the 17th floor, got out and was stopped at the desk.
“Who are you here to see?” a very thin nurse asked.
“Amanda Blaine,” said Keira definitively.
The nurse stepped back and stared at her. “I’m sorry, she’s not allowed visitors at this time.”
Keira felt her blood starting to stir. She stared at the nurse. “I am her twin sister.”
The nurse took a swift breath. “I’m so sorry, dear. I had no idea she had a twin sister.”
“She has. It’s me,” said Keira.
“The order says -” the nurse looked down at the desk, double checking.
“I am next of kin. I have the legal right to see my sister,” Keira interrupted.
The nurse became flustered. “Well, the notes say that I need to ask your parents.”
Keira stared at her harder and felt the power grow within. Then she spoke in an entirely different voice, darker, more resonant.
“There’s no need to ask my mother,” she said. “I have a right to go inside.”
The nurse stopped cold.
“I’m going in,” said Keira.
The nurse could not reply.
Keira walked past her to room 1707, opened the door and went inside.
*
Amanda’s room was painted pale pink and was extremely silent and stuffy, as if everything were wrapped in gauze, suspended in space, between life and death. Amanda was stretched out, motionless on the bed, attached to a machine that whirred silently at her bedside. Keira couldn’t take her eyes off her. Even though there was a slash across her right cheek, she looked perfect, as usual, beautiful, calm. It was as though she was above the world now and nothing could touch her.
Keira was relieved that her mother wasn’t there.. She didn’t want to have to deal with her. It was Amanda she needed to be with. She walked to the side of the bed, stood beside her sister, and took her hand. It felt heavy, inert and cold.
“Amanda,” Keira whispered softly to her, “I’ve come to see how you are.”
No response at all. It was as though she were talking to a lifeless doll.
But Keira would not be put off and she could not be fooled. “I know you can hear me, Amanda,” she said.
Nothing in the room stirred at all. Keira felt uneasy. But then she realized that although Amanda could hear people speak to her, she could not respond. Not the usual way. She wasn’t fully alive, and she also wasn’t dead. Although part of her was breathing here, the rest was somewhere else. Keira wished she could follow her sister and see where she was. She was probably seeing sights, meeting people, learning important lessons.
“Amanda,” Keira said louder, “I know you can hear me.”
Keira felt waves of energy whirling inside of her, rising up, flowing out and surrounding her sister. They formed dancing strands, connecting them, reminding Keira that the two of them could never be totally apart. Keira sent love to her sister on the bands of energy and felt her sister’s love come back to her. Keira sent thoughts to her sister, and then beyond her, to the new world that she lived in.
“Come back,” Keira pleaded. “Wake up. You’re too young to be laying here like this. There’s unlived life ahead of you.”