by Allegra Skye
“You said I could only stay here one night. Is that true?” she asked.
He looked away, his face falling. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I wish you could stay longer.”
“But why?” she asked.
He looked down at the floor, biting his lip.
“Is there someone else?” she asked, suddenly overcome with jealousy.
“No,” he insisted. “It’s nothing like that. I…I wish I could tell you.”
Her eyes filled with tears.
He put his hands on her shoulder to calm her, but, suddenly, it was more than she could bear. She did something she’d never done before – she pushed him away.
He took a deep, painful breath.
She couldn’t take it, his coming close and then running away. Did he enjoy this kind of game? For all she knew, he was scared of being with a woman?
“I’m not afraid of women,” he said, upset, “if that’s what you’re wondering.”
“This is too hard for me,” she said, and his face grew somber.
“I told you before,” he said, “I never want to hurt you. I thought I was helping you.”
Then it suddenly struck her, maybe he didn’t feel the way about her that she felt about him. Maybe she was just a friend to him, and he liked that other girl, Melba. For all Keira knew, he might have even decided to go with her to the Autumn Harvest Dance.
Keira turned and stared at him. “It’s Melba, you like her better.”
“Who?” he looked incredulous.
“The girl in your class who invited you to the Autumn Harvest Dance.”
He almost laughed. “You don’t actually believe that, do you?”
“Maybe? I don’t know.”
“I don’t even know who that girl is. And who cares about the dance?”
“I do,” said Keira, surprised that she actually did.
“You care about that dance at school?”
“Yes,” Keira said definitively, testing him to see whether he would be her date.
“It’s juvenile.”
“No it isn’t,” Keira was shocked she was defending the dance. “Everyone’s talking about it, and getting really dressed up. It means a lot to people here.”
“This doesn’t sound like you,” he said.
At that moment Keira realized that she was changing.
“Well, it is me. I want to go.”
“I can’t believe it.”
“And I want to go with You.”
He closed his eyes for a second, took a deep breath and shook his head.
A long silence fell over them.
“I don’t know….”
“Well, I’m going,” said Keira.
They both paused and looked at each other.
“With who?”
Despite himself, he didn’t like it.
Keira shrugged. “I’ll find someone to take me.”
“Well, I’ll go and meet you there – maybe,” he shifted his glance back and forth. “I’m not sure.”
Meet me there? Not even a date. He couldn’t even say yes to something so simple.
“Have it your way,” she said, stamping her foot on the floor, wanting to get away.
“Please don’t be upset,” he moved closer again, “I want to be your friend, to do good things for you.”
Friend?
Keira was stung by the word.
“So,” she said, devastated. “Is that all I am to you? A friend?”
He looked upset, too. “No. You’re more than that. Much more.”
“Then what’s wrong?” she asked. “Why do you keep pulling away?”
He looked away, his jaw went rigid, and he couldn’t answer..
She gathered her things, and began to head for the door, resigned. “Well,” she said, “thanks for your help. I’ll always be grateful.”
“Always be grateful?” he sounded frightened. “That sounds like goodbye.”
“It’s not.”
“What is it?”
“It’s just hard to be turned on and off again and again.”
“I have to be incredibly careful,” he repeated.
Suddenly, Keira’s patience was gone. “Be careful of What? What do you have to be careful of?” Her voice became so piercing, it sounded like a wild eagle had landed, shocking the both of them.
“Of everything!” Cooper yelled back, matching her every sound. “I can’t tell you! “
She’d had enough. She turned on her heel and walked out the door determined to never see him again. She couldn’t. This was too much.
CHAPTER 21
Keira ran without knowing where she was going. At first it seemed she was running in circles as the cold air brushed her face. She couldn’t go home. It wasn’t possible. Or was it? Her mother and father stayed at the hospital practically all the time. She could stay in her room and do what she had to. She could dress in the morning and go to school as though nothing had happened, as if life were normal, and she hadn’t given her heart and soul to someone who lived in the cracks between the worlds, and could only be with her at the cost of his life.
She needed time to absorb all this. She had to stay away, hope that she would forget him. Where would she go? She couldn’t allow herself to think of that now. When she did, her whole body twisted in a knot of anguish. The thought of him leaving forever was way more than she could bear.
Exhausted, Keira came to a fork in the road, and found herself suddenly out on the main highway. It was dark and dangerous to walk along it alone. She thought for a second about hitching a ride, but had no idea where it would lead.
Somehow, Keira found her way to school. She’d walked through the woods, in a daze, wondering where to go next. She had played with the idea of just running away for good. But somehow she wasn’t ready. She found herself thinking of school, and heading in that direction.
The walk wasn’t that bad, and a couple of miles later, she was there, and, ironically, on time for the opening bell. She looked down and realized she was wearing her clothes from yesterday, and hoped no one noticed.
The hallway was bustling, and as Keira headed towards her class, Nora came bouncing over to her.
“Where have you been!?” she asked. “I heard the good news—that Amanda’s up again and walking around. Everyone’s psyched. That’s so awesome! OMG, guess what?! I have big news for you, too!”
“What?”
“Ben plans to call you to invite you to The Autumn Harvest Dance.”
Nothing could be further from Keira’s mind at the moment. And the thought of going with Ben was ridiculous.
“He really likes you,” Nora said. “He missed you terribly all day and was really worried about you.”
Keira realized fiercely at that moment that she was utterly, completely in love with Cooper, and that there would never, ever be anyone else in the world for her. She ached to see him and tell him. It was painful even spending a few hours apart from him now.
“I’m not going with Ben,” said Keira, as if she were talking to a young child. If Nora wanted to tell Ben that she could save them both a lot of embarrassment.
“Were you with Cooper today?” Nora asked again.
Keira felt a flare of anger arise. It was nobody’s business who she was with, or what was going on in her personal life.
“Is it your business, Nora?”
Nora got very quiet. She’s offended, Keira thought, but didn’t care. She was tired of living under a microscope, having to report in and let everybody know where she was, and what she was doing all the time.
“I don’t want to butt in, but people are saying all kinds of things about you and him.”
Keira felt the anger growing stronger, but was determined to hold it down.
“Someone even said they saw the two of you together.” Nora went on.
“So what?” Keira’s voice had a strange edge to it.
Nora jumped back a bit.
“So what? You were with him?? Is that where you go when you�
�re not here?” Nora’s face grew pale, as if she’d seen a ghost.
“And if I am with him? Is that some kind of crime? Does everybody in this town have to know everything? Does everyone here have to be exactly the same?” Keira heard her voice rising and taking on a strange, shrill tone.
Nora backed away. “I didn’t mean to offend you so much,” she said. “I was trying to help.”
Keira softened. “I know you were, Nora,” she said. “And I’m grateful for your friendship. Really I am.”
*
Lunch was peculiar. Keira joined Nora and Amy Lee at the same table in the cafeteria, and pretty soon a few other kids came and sat down there too. Some were genuinely happy to see Keira, like Ben. Others wanted to find out why she’d been gone for a few days.
Ben managed to sit right across from Keira. “I was really worried about you,” he said. “You were gone so many days.”
Keira smiled at him sweetly. “Things happen,” she said.
Lana sat next to Ben. She scrutinized Keira closely. Some people thought Amy Lee liked Ben and wanted to go to the dance with him.
“Keira,” Ben leaned over the table, “There’s something I have to talk to you about. Can you hang out for a few minutes, after lunch?”
Keira’s heart dropped. She knew what was coming. “Sure,” she said. She was determined to stay and listen to him. She had to get through the rest of the year, and she’d have to become as normal as she could.
After most of the kids cleared out of the cafeteria, Ben leaned over the table, closer to her and looked from side to side.
“You know I always liked you,” he started weakly.
“Thanks, Ben,” she said in a casual manner. She could barely listen to the sound of his voice, but she forced herself to anyhow.
Her easy way gave him courage. “You knew that?” he was surprised.
“Of course. And I like you too.” She made it seem like no big deal.
He couldn’t say another thing, he was so taken aback. Then, he burst out, “Will you come with me to the Autumn Harvest Dance?” He held his breath, waiting for the answer.
“Sure,” said Keira lightly.
It was almost as if he couldn’t believe his ears. “You will? Really? Wow. I didn’t think you had another date for it. At least I’d hoped not. Some kids thought you might have?”
Keira cringed. Some kids probably thought she was going with Cooper. It was her dream, too, but it was never going to happen. She tried her very best not to show Ben the pain she was going through.
“No, I don’t have another date,” Keira said then, getting up from the table, to go to her next class.
“Wait a second.” Ben rushed over to her, taking her hands in his. “I can’t tell you how thrilled I am you.”
Keira pulled her hands away. She didn’t want to hear another word. She’d go, what choice did she have? But she wasn’t going to make it a big deal.
Ben looked hurt as she pulled away. “I didn’t mean to offend you,” he said. “Did I offend you?”
“Of course not,” she said. “I just have to go.”
“Sure,” Ben said, “sure.” And he gathered his books together quickly. “Want to walk together to the next class?”
“Actually, I can’t,” Keira said quickly. “I have some things to do first.”
He looked at her funny again. “Okay, see you soon,” and he took off.
After he left, the cafeteria was empty. Keira’s heart was empty too. She knew she should just leave, move on, not dare to look backwards, even one time. But she yearned and yearned for just one more glance. Was it possible He had come to school today? Could He be hiding in the alcove, wanting one more look at her as well? Don’t turn around and look! But the temptation was too strong. She turned for a second, and just as she did, saw someone fleeing through the back door. Her heart stopped cold. It had to be Him. My God, he was there. He had to have seen her and Ben. Did he know she was going to the dance with him?
Cooper, she wanted to yell out. I don’t care a bit about Ben. It’s you I love, it’s you I’ll love always. But she stopped herself, suddenly. . She couldn’t let herself go on and on like this. Her heart was breaking. Its wasn’t a game.
Keira burst into a sweat, and tears filled her eyes. She grabbed her books and ran, in the opposite direction, through the far door, to afternoon classes.
*
Keira sat in her math class now, with the teacher was scrawling equations up on the blackboard. She never was any good in math, just scraped by. Now she tried as hard as she could to pull her focus together and concentrate on what he said. It would block out her feelings for Cooper. .
With every ounce of her energy, Keira zeroed in, on the long equation on the board. What’s the point, she thought? This is way beyond me. Then suddenly, it all became clear. She heard every word the teacher was saying, and understood them perfectly. The equation was simple. So was the next one. Her mind emptied out of everything in the way. The numbers on the board shone right at her, making a little bridge between one another. If I can understand this, Keira thought, I can understand anything. Keira heard a bell ring in the background and realized that the class was over for today. Kids began scraping their chairs back from their desk, taking their books and moving on. She got up and moved on too.
As she was leaving, Stacey and Prissy, caught up with her at the door.
“Heard you’re going to the dance with Ben?” Stacey spoke in an offhand manner.
“Yeah.” Keira was surprised because Stacey had never stopped to speak to her before.
“Do you know what you’re wearing?” Stacey said, “It’s only a couple of days away. “
Keira hadn’t realized it was that soon. She wondered why Stacey was cozying up to her suddenly?
Keira shook her head, as if it were no big deal.
“I’m going to the dance with Frank,” Prissy chimed in. She seemed softer and nicer now, friendlier in a way. This confused Keira as well.
“All the kids are talking about you,” Prissy went on.
“Me? Why?”
“Nobody knows”, Stacey interrupted.“Maybe because they’re getting you and Amanda confused.”
Stacey’s tone was derogatory. For a second it hit Keira like an arrow, but the next moment, Keira let the arrow fall out. She wouldn’t let Stacey have any power over her, no matter what she said.
“None of us even thought you’d be going to the dance at all,” Stacey continued. “We’re amazed you actually have a date.”
Before all of this would have hurt Keira, but now she was determined to have no reaction at all. Stacey was just a rag doll, who could easily be blown away in the wind.
“Well, we’re surprised you have a date,” Prissy said, “but we’re glad you do.”
Prissy was trying to butter her up, but it didn’t touch her either. Keira knew that neither of them had any idea at all about who they were up against. And Keira had no need to prove it, either. She started to walk away, but Stacey wouldn’t let go.
“So, what are you wearing to Autumn Harvest?” Stacey repeated, in a biting tone. “Ben didn’t even ask you until the last minute. It’s got to be too late to find something really nice.”
Anger whirled inside of Keira. She turned and stared at Stacey hard. Stacey wobbled, tripped on something, and began to lurch backwards.
Stacey stared at Keira, shocked. She seemed to realize that something happened that wasn’t normal.
But Prissy jumped right in. “Listen, we’d like to invite you and Ben to the after dance party at my house.”
Keira was really taken aback. This was an invitation that she would have longed for just a little while ago. Now it fell on deaf ears. She couldn’t care less. It meant nothing to her. She was beyond all this, she realized strongly.
Invite me anywhere you want, she thought. I am who I am and I’m proud of it. I don’t need you anymore.
“Thanks,” Keira said to Prissy in a light hearted tone. “But
I have plans.”
The two girls looked at each other, in shock.
Before they could respond, Keira. Turned her back on them and walked away.
*
Keira had no idea what would happen when she returned home. This was the first time in her life that she had stayed out overnight and not told her parents where she was going. Chills played up and down her back. Would her mother still be there waiting for her, or would she be back at Amanda’s bedside?
Keira hoped against hope that neither of her parents even realized she was gone. Her father had been staying late every night in the hospital, sometimes even sleeping over, and her mother slept at Amanda’s bedside. Keira hoped she’d just be able to walk in the door, go to her room, shower and change, and then go off to school, as if her whole world wasn’t turning around.
When Keira got home from school, to her surprise, her father was there, sitting in his study, looking out the window. He seemed very old suddenly, and crushed. Keira stood in the doorway. “Hello, dad,” she said.
He looked over at her as though she were a stranger. “What do you want?” he said dully. Keira had visited her sister, gone against his wishes. Clearly, he’d heard about it and wasn’t forgiving anything.
“Do you need anything, dad?” she asked then.
He made a scoffing sound. “A little late for that, isn’t it?”
It’s never too late for anything, she wanted to say, but she could see that she’d gone too far, disobeying his orders. He was finished with her.
Keira turned and went to her room quickly. Me, too, she thought, I’m finished with him too. But why waste time mourning for the dad I never really had.
Keira looked over to the edge of the window for the indigo light. It always seemed to come in moments like this. But now, it wasn’t there. She was on her own completely.
She tossed in bed, desperate not to let Cooper into her thoughts, and thankfully, in the middle of tossing, complete exhaustion came over her and she fell into a deep, sudden sleep.
As she slept, she dreamt of Cooper. He was younger than when they’d met, only a boy of fifteen or so. She saw him climbing a high mountain, trying to get away from his tribe. He was swift, and powerful and they couldn’t catch him. In her dream she heard him thinking that he was born there by mistake, and had to find the place he had really come from, the place he was intended to live.