“She found out about us, Marlee. I...she...”
The growing knot in Marlee’s throat made speaking difficult. She waited for Susie to finish her statement.
“Marlee, I can’t see you anymore.”
Marlee couldn’t believe what she had just heard. “What? What do you mean? Are you going out with her? Is she your girlfriend? Your other girlfriend?”
Susie looked stunned. “My girlfriend? No! No, she’s not my girlfriend. I wouldn’t do something like that to you. Please believe me about that. She’s straight, anyway. She’s just...I have to...look, it’s complicated, okay? I’m just afraid she might do something.” She looked at Marlee and blinked back her tears. “And if I just stay away from you, then you and Christy will both be safe.” Susie put a hand over her mouth and inhaled with a sob. “Marlee, you know I love you,” she choked, “but I have to go.” She stumbled for the door.
“Susie! I don’t understand.” Marlee’s head throbbed.
Susie stopped at the sound of her name and looked back at Marlee. “Aay, Dios mio, mi amor, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, but it’s better this way. Believe me.” She flew out the door and bounded down the stairs, leaving Marlee to stare helplessly after her in pain and confusion.
Chapter Twelve
The Open Door
HAVING HER HEART ripped to shreds made it hard for Marlee to get through the weekend. Her heart ached more than her head and shoulder combined. She tried to do homework, but that was nearly impossible. Her physical handicap hadn’t helped, either. Writing with her left hand was as foreign to her as having her heart broken, but she had to deal with both.
She cursed her infirmity. She hadn’t been able to get up and stop Susie from leaving Saturday. But even if she had, she doubted she could have changed the outcome, anyway. She cried herself to sleep after Susie left and basically slept through the rest of the weekend. Her few meager attempts at homework and an unfruitful phone call to Jeri on Sunday were the only exceptions.
On Monday morning, Marlee’s mother pulled the minivan up to the front doors of the high school. Marlee usually took the bus to school in the morning, but she and her mother decided that Marlee should arrive at school after the first period of the day had already started. That way Marlee wouldn’t get jostled around too much right at the start. Of course, changing classes would be challenging from then on out, but Marlee assured her mother she could manage.
Getting ready for school had been exhausting. Her mother had to help her get dressed. But the truth was that Marlee couldn’t stand being cooped up in her room anymore, especially because Susie filled her every waking moment. And Susie even invaded her dreams when she slept. Marlee replayed over and over the first time she had seen Susie run out to left field and how her heart had threatened to leap out of her chest, it had been beating so hard. But then she also replayed over and over Susie saying, “Marlee, I can’t see you anymore.” Marlee needed to take on the chaos of school to help distract her from Susie for a while.
“Marlee,” her mother said from the driver’s seat, “are you sure you don’t want to stay home today? I can turn right around and take you home.”
“Mom, I’m okay. I need to try. I’ll call you if I want to go home.”
“Promise?”
“Yeah.” Marlee leaned over and hugged her mother with her good arm. “I’ll see you after practice.”
Marlee’s mother looked alarmed. “You’re not—”
“No, Mom. I’m just gonna watch. I can hardly move my arm anyway.” She winced when she attempted to show her mother the lack of movement.
“Just be careful, honey.”
Marlee got out of the van and slung her backpack over her left shoulder, her good shoulder. She waved goodbye and headed to the main office for a late pass. She knew her mother wouldn’t drive away until Marlee was safely inside the building. She took a deep breath and opened the school door. Once inside she waved at her mother through the mesh prison glass windowpane. Her mother waved back and then slowly drove away.
Marlee sighed and turned toward the main office. She couldn’t help the sudden flood of feelings. She tried not to remember how nervous she had been that first time pitching to Susie and how crazed she’d gotten when she realized she was attracted to her and then blurted out how she felt. But for some reason that is o-v-e-r! Marlee clenched her fists and tried to refocus her energy on school.
She made it through the first two periods of the day fairly well. Everybody in the school heard about the accident and wanted her to retell the story. Accident my butt, she thought. There was nothing accidental about it. Right, Christy? And of course, thinking about Christy made her think about Susie again. The memories were stronger than she was. Images of Susie passed through her mental movie projector. Susie leaning in close to whisper in her ear after that first softball game. Susie pulling her behind the shed. Susie holding her hand on the beach. Susie pulling her close in the stand of birch trees. Susie whispering, “I really like you.” But why think about Susie? There was no sense in it anymore. Marlee forced the projector off and walked to her third-period calculus class.
“Hey, Marlee.” Jeri caught up with her in the doorway of Mrs. Stratton’s classroom. “Girl, I can’t believe you’re in school today.”
“Yeah, well, me neither.” She sighed and let Jeri take her backpack from her. “I’m getting kinda tired already.”
“You want me to take you home? Say the word and we’re gone.”
“Nah, I’ll hang in there. Besides I want to go to practice today.” Marlee slid into her usual seat in front of Jeri.
Jeri plopped into her own seat and cried, “You’re not—”
“Chill out, Jeri, of course not. And besides, how can I practice? I’m just gonna hang out. I don’t want to miss anything.”
“Phew, I thought maybe there was some real brain damage.”
“Oh, cut it out.” Marlee attempted to get her notebook out of her backpack one-handed, but the spiral kept getting stuck on the zipper.
Jeri leaped out of her seat and helped her. “Hey Marlee, listen. I’m sorry I couldn’t talk on the phone yesterday. The restaurant was packed. We’ll talk later. You know, when you’re more up to it.” Jeri added a sympathetic smile.
Marlee smiled back at her friend. On Sunday, in a brief moment of clarity, Marlee had called Jeri ready to confide in her about the mess she was in, but Jeri couldn’t talk because the restaurant was crowded. Marlee was relieved, sort of, because she could put off the unpleasantness for another day and she had been asleep when Jeri called back. She turned toward the front of the classroom when Mrs. Stratton called for order.
Marlee tried to concentrate on the mathematics, but the automatic movie projector turned itself on again and her mind shot back to Lake Birch. Susie kissing her neck and working her way up to her earlobe. Susie biting her finger. Marlee sighed. Almost too audibly. She realized where she was and checked herself.
Marlee took a deep breath and focused on her teacher. Mrs. Stratton was passing back their latest test. Marlee was not looking forward to getting this one back. She had been so preoccupied with Susie that she hadn’t studied for it. Not really.
“Jeri.” Mrs. Stratton sent Jeri’s test down their row. Marlee reached for it from the boy in front of her and snuck a peak at Jeri’s grade. 93% with a “Great job, Jeri” written in Mrs. Stratton’s nice handwriting.
“Marlee.” Mrs. Stratton said without emotion. When the test reached her Marlee could barely bring herself to turn it over. She prayed for something to go right in her life since everything else had turned sour the last couple of days. Unbelievably, her mental movie projector turned itself on again. She saw Susie in her room saying, “Look, it’s complicated.” Susie saying, “If I just stay away from you, then you and Christy will both be safe.” And, the one that seemed to make everything hurt all at once, Susie saying, “You know I love you.”
Her head hurt. Her shoulder hurt. And most of all her heart hurt. She t
urned her test over in an attempt to clear Susie from her mind. The front page of her test was covered with red pen. Mrs. Stratton had written on the top “58% F. See me after class.”
Marlee couldn’t get enough oxygen. If she didn’t get out of that classroom immediately, she’d make a fool out of herself in front of everyone. She flew out of her seat, startling Jeri, and hurried toward the classroom door. A sob escaped before she reached it.
She ran toward the closest girls’ room. Her sobs echoed off the walls of the blessedly empty bathroom. She knew she had to get a grip on herself before somebody walked in. She hid in one of the stalls and rocked herself against the closed door. She wanted to bang her head against the door, but decided against it. One concussion in a lifetime was enough.
She stifled her sobs when she heard the door to the girls’ bathroom open. She took several quick deep breaths in an attempt to get herself under control.
“Marlee?” Jeri’s voice echoed off the tile. “Are you okay? Mrs. Stratton sent me after you.”
Marlee managed to catch her breath and choked back the most recent flood of tears. She wiped her eyes with her sleeve. “I’m okay.”
At Jeri’s urging she came out of the stall but made a beeline for the sink. With her free hand she splashed cool water from the tap onto her face and with water dripping off her chin turned to face Jeri. “You must think I’m a raving lunatic.”
Jeri handed her a paper towel from the wall dispenser. “You’re kidding, right? I thought you were a raving lunatic way before you hit your head.”
Marlee knew Jeri was trying to get her to laugh, but she couldn’t find the energy. She looked at herself in the mirror and saw her red-rimmed eyes, her blotchy face. Tears started rolling down her cheeks again.
“Marlee, what can I do? Want me to drive you home?”
Marlee wanted to say yes, knowing she couldn’t return to her math class in her present state. She wanted to forget about this day altogether, but she shook her head no. She regretted the physical movement because it caused her head to ache. She knew where she had to go.
“Take me to Coach’s office.”
“Okay. A plan. Cool.” Jeri grabbed Marlee by her good arm and led her down the hall as if she were blind. “I’ll tell Mrs. Stratton I took you to the nurse.” She pointed toward Marlee’s head. “Banged your head and all.”
They walked to the gym in silence, and when they got to their coach’s office the lights were off, but the door had been propped open as if one of the coaches would be returning any second.
“Coach isn’t here.” Jeri flicked on the lights.
Marlee shielded her eyes and asked Jeri to leave the lights off.
“Okay, but should I stay with you?”
“No. I’m all right.”
“I’ll get your backpack and, uh, I guess I’ll just put it in your locker, okay?”
“Okay. Thanks.”
Jeri patted Marlee’s good shoulder and left.
Marlee grabbed a tissue from her coach’s desk. She sat in the same chair she had used after her breakup with Bobby and smiled at the coincidence. She looked up when she heard someone step into the office.
“Marlee, you startled me. I didn’t expect to see anybody in here.” Coach Spears walked into the Girls’ Physical Education office holding a cup of coffee. She left the lights off perhaps instinctively knowing Marlee wanted them off. “How are you? When I spoke with your mother yesterday she said you were determined to come to school today.”
Marlee couldn’t answer. Fresh tears leaked out of her already swollen eyes.
“Open door policy?”
Marlee nodded.
Her coach went back and closed the door to the office. “Okay. What’s up, kiddo?” She sat down next to her pitcher.
Marlee knew her coach was waiting for her to say something so she swallowed hard and took a deep breath.
While she exhaled, Coach Spears said, “You know I’ve said this before. You can say anything you want in here. I won’t judge you.” She put the cup of coffee on the edge of her desk. “I’m here to help, so whatever it is, tell me. You’re obviously upset.”
Marlee thought she had finally gotten enough of the lump out of her throat to speak, but her voice cracked. “Coach, I...” It was all she could get out.
“What’s wrong Marlee? You’re breaking my heart.” She handed her pitcher another tissue and said, “We seem to be doing this a lot lately.”
They both laughed, and Marlee rolled her eyes.
“Go on, Marlee, you’re doing great.”
The dam burst and the words poured out in a long continuous stream. Marlee confessed everything. She told her coach about her fledgling relationship with Susie and how amazing Susie made her feel. How she couldn’t get Susie off her mind. How Susie had called her beautiful. She more than half expected her coach to cringe in disgust and throw her out of the office, but she had to take that risk. She had no one else to talk to, and besides, she had to let it out before she exploded. She forced herself to go numb while she waited for her coach’s reaction.
“Marlee,” her coach said. “She sounds wonderful. remember her. Pretty good hitter, too.”
“Yeah. Grand slam, remember?” Marlee couldn’t believe she wasn’t being shown the office door.
“I do remember.” Her coach nodded knowingly.
Marlee was stunned to be talking to her coach like that. She asked tentatively, “Coach, do you understand me and Susie? You know, our relationship?”
When her coach hesitated, Marlee added barely above a whisper, “Am I some kind of freak? I mean, I like, love, another girl.”
Coach Spears didn’t hesitate this time. “No, no, Marlee. No, you are not a freak. You’re a normal teenage girl. You’re just...discovering yourself. That’s all. And I do understand your relationship with Susie. There are a lot of people like you in this world, in this town, and even in this school.”
An uncomfortable silence grew between them and Marlee wasn’t sure what to do. Her coach stood up and reached in a drawer on the other side of her desk. “I want to show you something.” She pulled out a 4” x 6” picture in a frame and handed it to Marlee.
Marlee focused on the two women in the sailboat. One of the women was her coach, but with brown, not gray, hair. And the other woman in the photo looked familiar. “Oh, I saw you with her that night at the East Valley game. Who is she?” Before her coach could reply, realization hit her like a Christy Loveland fastball.
Coach Spears cleared her throat and took a deep breath. “Uh, well, her name is Anne, and she is my life companion. She and I have been, um, a couple for more than fifteen years. We own a house together and have two cats and a dog.”
Marlee didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t every day that your softball coach told you she was gay. And it wasn’t every day you said the same thing. She managed to ask, “She’s your girlfriend?”
“Yes.” Her coach nodded and placed the photo on her desk facing them. “Marlee, the reason I told you this is so you’ll know that you’re not a freak and that you’re not alone. Okay?”
Marlee nodded. She stared at the tissue box on her coach’s desk and blurted, “Coach, Christy threw those pitches at me on purpose.”
Her coach’s expression turned more serious, if that was even possible. “Really? Do tell.”
“Well, Christy’s got some kind of hold over Susie. I can’t figure out what it is, but Susie said that we’d all be better off if she broke up with me. She said that if she stayed away from me that me and Christy would be safe.”
Her coach raised an eyebrow. “You and Christy? What do you think she meant by that?”
“I don’t know, but Susie broke up with me on Saturday. The day I got back from the hospital with my concussion.” Marlee’s voice rose as she vented her anger for the first time. “Nice timing, right? But Susie had a cut under her eye. Coach, I think Christy hit her.”
Her coach looked at her, alarmed. “Marlee, these are some
serious accusations. Do you think Christy threw those pitches at you as some kind of warning? Some kind of retribution?”
“I guess. Like a warning to stay away from Susie or something. Susie said that when Christy found out about us she got mad. Real mad.” She gestured at her sling and head.
Her coach looked perplexed. “Are they together? A couple?”
“Well, according to Susie, they’re not. Christy’s straight.”
“Straight, hmm?” Marlee detected a sliver of doubt in her coach’s voice.
Marlee still could not believe she was having this conversation with her coach. She said, “Yeah well, if Christy’s straight then I don’t get it. Why would Christy even care about me and Susie? I mean Susie said it was complicated, but why would Christy want to hurt me? What did I ever do to her? I’m so confused and...my head hurts.” She looked down at her hands.
“Marlee, we have to take this threat seriously. Maybe Christy got jealous of your relationship with her friend. Jealousy, even in friendships, can get ugly. Maybe Christy was used to having Susie all to herself, and then you came along and threatened that.”
“You think so?”
“Perhaps. And you’re both pitchers, too. That could be another factor. Maybe she’s threatened by how well you’re pitching this year.”
“Maybe. That’s what Jeri and Lisa said.”
“Well, Marlee, we have no way of knowing for certain, but I think I need to put in a call to Coach Gellar over at East Valley and see if she can shed any light on this.”
Marlee looked up with alarm. “Coach, I don’t want to get anybody in trouble.”
“I understand that, Marlee, but we have to act on the safe side.” Her coach shook her head. “What I don’t understand is why Susie said that Christy would be safe, too.”
“I don’t know, Coach. It doesn’t make any sense.”
Her coach looked at her watch and stood up. “Well, I think the bell’s about to ring to end third period and I have a class. I suspect you do, too. I’ll put in a call to East Valley later, but all I want you to do is concentrate on getting better. And, hey, you haven’t cried in what, over two whole minutes?”
Barbara L. Clanton - Out of Left Field Page 14