Raffy had sunk down into a chair, his head between his hands, but at this he looked up. ‘But I never came back and you got Rachel’s lying letter instead…But the baby,’ he asked suddenly. ‘You didn’t…?’
‘I didn’t abort it. I hadn’t even got as far as wondering whether I wanted it or not, before I miscarried, right after I got Rachel’s letter.’
‘I wouldn’t have blamed you, whatever you chose to do,’ he said gently.
‘Only Zillah knew about it, because she helped me, though it was so early that it was quickly over…And I did want it – only I didn’t understand that until I’d lost it!’
My voice broke and the welling tears spilled over to run slowly down my face. Raffy sprang up, took one hasty stride and pulled me into his arms. ‘Oh, darling, I’m so sorry! So very, very sorry! I should have thought of that!’
I gave a sigh and rested my head against his broad shoulder, feeling quite drained and empty.
‘I don’t know how to make it up to you,’ he said helplessly.
‘You can’t, it’s past.’
‘But how can you ever fully forgive me? And can I forgive myself?’
I felt his lips brush my hair and without conscious thought turned mine up to meet them in a long, slow kiss. His arms tightened around me and time stood still, with the past, however temporarily, forgotten…
Then suddenly he wrenched away. ‘Oh God, I don’t know what I’m doing! I didn’t mean to—Oh hell, I seem to do nothing but say I’m sorry!’ He pushed his hair back from his pale face with both hands in that achingly familiar way.
‘I – it’s all right,’ I said, slightly dazedly.
‘No, nothing’s right. To think I felt angry with you all these years, and yet—’ He broke off again. ‘I’d better go. But at least now I understand and I promise not to bother you any more and keep out of your way as much as I can.’
‘No, really – I feel much better now everything’s open between us,’ I protested, which suddenly I did. It was like seeing a dark cloud lift, revealing an edge of light.
‘You’re very brave and forgiving, but I feel damnable – or damned – and I need to go and pray.’
I thought he might also have a few blasphemy issues to address too, but I didn’t say so, since he seemed distraught enough as it was.
He kissed me again, but this time very chastely on the forehead, while cupping my face in his hands, then out he went like a troubled spirit into the night.
The breeze brought the faint sound of a Bach fugue from the direction of the church where he was headed: I thought it would suit his mood wonderfully.
And it’s just possible that he’s not a cheap blended forastero chocolate after all, but a criollo.
Chapter Twenty-eight
Home Alone
I woke up after a deep and dreamless sleep to an empty house, Jake being still at Kat’s. I felt…I didn’t quite know…empty, perhaps, and as if I’d undergone some great catharsis, which I suppose I had.
But I also felt anticipatory and about to embark on a new phase of my life. Last night I’d managed to crawl out of my shabby chrysalis of bitterness, anger and blame to emerge, if not as a carefree butterfly, then at least as a halfway decent moth. Poppy had been right: I could now move on.
Unfortunately, though, the previous night had also revealed to me just how easy it would be to fall in love with Raffy all over again, going by the traitorous way my body had responded to his. He had broken that kiss, not me. In fact, I’d probably kissed him and not the other way round.
But now I’d recognised the danger existed, I could guard against it, because there was no way I was making the same mistakes all over again. I would have to make it clear that a casual friendship was all I wanted and then the kiss could be forgotten.
Raffy took his early morning walk with Arlo as usual, but didn’t so much as glance sideways at Angel Cottage. The pale, translucent skin of his face was again shadowed and bruised under his eyes as if he hadn’t slept much, though this time I was sorry to see it.
Arlo was feeling friendlier, because he obviously wanted to cross over and call in. I suspect he had every house tagged where he’d been offered food.
Poppy rang me later, and I deduced that she was giving the first of her Saturday morning lessons in the indoor riding school, since there was the muffled thump of hoofs on sawdust in the background and every so often she removed her mouth from the phone and bellowed things like: ‘Change legs!’ ‘Trot on, George!’ and ‘Kimberly, sit up straight!’
‘So, did you enjoy your birthday?’ she asked, between commands.
‘Yes, it was all lovely – and wasn’t Felix stunned when he set eyes on you!’
She gave her infectious giggle. ‘I don’t think he’d ever actually seen me as a woman before.’
‘No, but he has now, and if you carry on looking so pretty, he won’t be the only one, either. Honestly, if a bit of slap and a new hairstyle is all it takes, it just goes to show how shallow men are.’
‘To be fair, I hadn’t really seen Felix in any other light except brotherly before, but he’s quite handsome when you look at him objectively, isn’t he?’
‘Very,’ I said encouragingly, though actually ‘attractively homely’ would sum him up better. ‘Funnily enough, when you were telling me about the qualities you’d like your Mr Right to have, I suddenly realised that Felix had them all – isn’t that strange?’
‘Mmm…’ she said thoughtfully. ‘But I thought he had his eye on you, at one time?’
‘If he did, he doesn’t any more.’
‘I slept there last night, at Marked Pages,’ she said pensively.
‘What, with Felix?’
‘Not with Felix, I just fell asleep on the sofa, and he must have covered me up and left me to it. I let myself out really early this morning before he was awake and came home, and Mum hadn’t even noticed I was missing. I hadn’t had that much to drink, so I’m sure your chocolate had the weirdest effect on me!’
‘I think it might have had an odd effect on me too,’ I admitted.
‘It made me feel as though I’d drunk lots of champagne and everything was sparkling and magical – and I still do, a bit, this morning. Do you feel like that?’
‘No, it just made me understand everything clearly for the first time, probably a bit like when Raffy suddenly got God.’
‘Perhaps it has a different effect on different people?’ She broke off to yell, ‘Kimberly, get up and get right back on! No, you’re not in shock. Butterfly’s legs are only a foot long, you didn’t have that far to fall.’
‘Has she fallen off?’ I asked.
‘She slides off over his shoulder every time he stops, that’s why I put her on a Shetland. What were we saying?’
‘That you thought my chocolate gave you a champagne buzz.’
‘It was that Box B. You’d better be careful who you sell it to!’
‘I didn’t get all giggly and flirty.’
‘No, but you suddenly seemed to be getting on better with Raffy – I saw you feeding each other chocolate hearts! And you let him walk you home.’
‘A few yards across the road? Though actually, I invited him into the cottage because I needed to tell him something,’ I said and then I told her about the lost baby too, and her commands to her pupils to change legs or trot on became inextricably mixed with soft cries of: ‘Oh my goodness!’ and ‘Poor Chloe, but why on earth didn’t you tell me?’
‘You weren’t there, and by the time you got back I didn’t want to talk about it any more. But now the air’s well and truly cleared I feel better, though unfortunately I think Raffy’s gone the opposite way. He looked absolutely stricken and rushed off to the church to pray.’
‘Well, he’s a vicar, that’s how they deal with things.’
‘I suppose it is. And now we both know everything, I’ve forgiven him and can let the past go, just like you and Felix kept telling me to. But Raffy didn’t seem to understand that, bec
ause he said he would do his best to avoid me. And by the way, don’t tell Felix about the baby, will you? Zillah is the only other person who knows…I think. She might have told Grumps.’
‘I won’t tell him unless you say I can, though it would help him to understand, because we’ve both been puzzled about why you hadn’t got over it, when it was clearly more that Rachel’s fault than anyone else’s.’
‘Yes, my forgiveness doesn’t so far extend to her. I’m not sure it ever will.’
There was an anguished howl. ‘I’d better go,’ Poppy said resignedly. ‘Butterfly has got fed up and is standing on Kimberly’s foot, looking stubborn as a rock, and I don’t blame him.’
I told Grumps about the blind chocolate tasting trial and that Poppy was convinced the full spell gave the chocolate extra magical powers, and he said approvingly, ‘That girl’s not as stupid as I thought she was.’
‘She isn’t stupid at all,’ I replied indignantly. ‘She simply has an innocent, trusting nature, even though that’s pretty astonishing, considering Janey brought her up.’
‘Mmm. And you say the vicar was there last night, too?’
‘Yes, and I invited him back to the cottage afterwards. We’ve cleared the air between us, Grumps – there are no more secrets. I’ve put the past behind me.’
‘You have, have you?’ he said, with one of his sharper looks, confirming me in my belief that Zillah had long ago told him everything. Then to my surprise he added, ‘Good, good…I believe his punishment has already found him out, so now we can all concentrate on removing that carbuncle Mann-Drake from our midst.’
‘Zillah said we needed Raffy for that. He would be vital.’
‘He certainly has a part to play. As to the chocolate, perhaps you had better be careful when using the additional blessing,’ Grumps said thoughtfully. ‘Keep it for special recipients.’
‘Yes, I’d already decided to use only the Mayan bit for the Chocolate Wishes.’
Not, of course, that I thought my chocolate really did have magical properties, but it was better to be safe than sorry.
When I went into Marked Pages after posting my parcels, Felix asked me, slightly indignantly, what I had said to upset Raffy, because when he had seen him after morning prayers he’d been really down and almost morose.
‘Nothing! As far as I’m concerned, the past is now the past, the slate’s clean and he’s just the new vicar and nothing more. That’s what you wanted, wasn’t it? I’m ready to start again and be friends.’
‘Is that what you told him? So how come he seems to have gone into a tailspin?’
‘I can’t imagine,’ I said untruthfully.
‘Oh, no?’ he said sarcastically. ‘He said he now understood why you didn’t want to see him and he was going to keep out of your way as much as possible. And then he said he wished you all the happiness in the world with David. What did he mean by that? You haven’t got engaged again, have you?’
‘I keep telling everyone that I’m just friends with David, nothing more. Honestly, I don’t think you listen at all! In fact, although I love looking at houses, I think I’ve had enough of that now too and I haven’t really got the time anyway, because I get more and more chocolate orders every day.’
‘But David—’
‘Look, can we forget about him?’ I said wearily. ‘Let’s talk about you. Poppy says she spent the night here.’
He went pink. ‘She fell asleep on the sofa and it seemed a shame to wake her. But she left so early, I didn’t see her go. She got back all right?’
‘Yes, fine – I spoke to her this morning when she was giving a lesson.’
‘I have my first one this afternoon. I’m shutting up shop specially.’
‘Be prepared to eat your meals off the mantelpiece for the next few weeks,’ I advised him.
‘It’s not that bad, is it?’
‘Believe me, you’ll use muscles you never even knew you had. But it’ll give you a peachy bum.’
‘I already have one of those,’ he said with dignity.
David called at the cottage unannounced especially to apologise for being a bit short with me when I refused to go to Mann-Drake’s dinner party with him.
‘No really, I didn’t mind at all,’ I assured him truthfully, ‘and thank you for the lovely flowers.’
Actually, that wasn’t a total lie because I quite liked the bamboo. I’d put it in a tall, thin glass vase on its own and it seemed to be sending out roots.
He still lingered in a hopeful sort of way so I felt I had to invite him in, even though I was working. I sat him down and then carried on brushing chocolate into winged heart moulds.
‘The party was quite fun, actually,’ he said. ‘Digby – he asked us all to call him that – is such an interesting man, and some of the things he told us about over dinner were quite fascinating.’
‘Like what?’ I asked, but he didn’t seem to be able to remember specifics. I suspect he and the rest of them were hypnotised by that golden voice. I didn’t ask him who he took as his dinner partner either, because if it wasn’t Mel Christopher, I’ll eat all my scented geraniums.
‘To show you forgive me, I thought you might come with me for a second look at that cottage near Rainford, and the converted barn near Scarisbrick,’ he suggested. ‘Those were your favourites, weren’t they?’
‘Yes, but that isn’t important, is it, because I won’t be living there. It’s which one you preferred.’
‘I think you have a better eye for these things,’ he insisted. ‘Do come with me. I’ll arrange later viewings on Wednesday afternoon and then we can go and have a drink in the Green Man afterwards – even dinner?’
I tried to get out of it, because I was now not only entirely sated with house-hunting but had started to find poor David terminally boring. However, he made it impossible to get out of, though I did insist that I had to get back home after a quick drink at the pub. ‘I can’t leave poor Jake on his own all the time!’
‘He’s an adult now, certainly old enough to take care of himself,’ he pointed out.
This was true and I had started to feel a pang or two at the thought of him grown up and off, just like any empty-nester. I didn’t mention that ‘poor Jake’ was usually either up at Kat’s house, like a Goth version of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, in the Old Smithy kitchen being stuffed like a Strasbourg goose by Zillah, or foraging perfectly successfully for himself at home.
Instead I tried to make it plain to David that this would be my last house-hunting expedition with him, because my business was now so busy that I simply didn’t have time any more. We must have seen everything for sale in his price bracket in the entire county by now anyway.
He didn’t seem to take in what I was saying and I was just psyching myself up to be much more blunt when Zillah waltzed in, beaming away like a lighthouse.
‘Ah, David – how lovely! Are you well…just at present? I remember when you used to come out in the most alarming rash every time you came to see us,’ she said, then settled down as if she had all day to chat.
Only five minutes later he was roaring off in his noisy sports car as if the devil himself was after him.
‘He didn’t have to leave,’ Zillah said, looking vaguely surprised. ‘I only came to see if you and Jake fancied coming over for beef and carrots later, followed by fruit salad with marshmallows.’
‘Marshmallows?’
‘Those tiny ones that you see sprinkled on hot chocolate in cafés,’ she explained – or rather, didn’t explain. Some magazines have a lot to answer for.
‘I think you might have to have Kat too, because she and Jake offered to help Grumps unpack and display all that stuff he bought from an auction this afternoon, and it’s bound to take ages.’
‘That’s all right, there’s plenty. Gregory seems to have quite taken to Kat since she started redoing all the museum notices with her calligraphy pen and volunteering to help run it when it opens at Easter.’
‘It’s ge
tting really close, but it’s almost ready to open, isn’t it? We just need some more stands for books and gifts behind the desk, and a postcard rack.’
They were to stock my Chocolate Wishes, though I would also throw open my workshop doors to the public on the afternoons when the museum was open and sell the chocolates direct. I intended to make a stock of treacle toffee cat lollies, too, which Zillah thought would be bestsellers even though young children were to be excluded from the museum.
Raffy was now not so much avoiding me as turning tail and fleeing whenever he glimpsed me, so I had no way of letting him know that I really had forgiven him. I didn’t know if I was making him feel so guilty he couldn’t stand the sight of me, or if he thought my kissing him was a sign that I expected him to take up where we left off…or maybe both?
But no, on reflection, I thought he was just indulging in a major guilt trip. And I was…sort of missing him, which was odd, since I hadn’t seen much of him to miss since he moved here. I even told Felix that he could invite him to go to the Falling Star with us any time he wanted, and he did, but Raffy said I didn’t really mean it!
But actually, I did, because something strange was happening between Poppy and Felix and I was starting to feel such a gooseberry that a fourth person would have been very welcome – even Raffy!
Poppy had stuck to the moisturising and minimal makeup routine she’d learned on my birthday and said she was never going back to frizzy hair again, now that she’d realised that conditioner and serum would instantly make her look more Pre-Raphaelite than unshorn sheep.
Chas emailed me to say that he’d pulled some strings and finally managed a quiet chat with Carr Blackstock, but it had been a really tricky meeting. For a start, he’d been angry that Chas knew anything about him and Mum, until he learned that Chas had been in the same boat. He was also very suspicious of my motives, though Chas reassured him that I only wanted to know whether he was or was not my biological father, but had no interest in him other than that. And, of course, I’d sent a letter for him via Chas that said the same thing.
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