“Not long.” I shook my head.
“Tell me how long.” She grit and advanced on me again.
“It's not your fucking business.” Anger filtered into my voice no matter how hard I tried to keep it in check.
“Was this some sort of bullshit mid-life crisis? Did you think you were going to come back to me? Sleep in our bed?”
“No, I didn't think that at all.”
“This started in the spring, didn’t it? You've been so cagey and secretive since you left. I thought maybe I was overreacting when I caught you out in the middle of the day but this... God! How could I have not seen this coming?!”
I said nothing, because she wasn’t wrong. Not about her not seeing it coming, I didn’t see it coming either, not in a million years, but that it had been inevitable. Given the right place and the right time, Auburn and I, I fully believed, were destined to happen.
“When your mom told me you’d asked for her recipe a while back I thought it was weird but I didn’t think much of it beyond that, but when Michelle said that Steph was chattering on about you acting suspicious last week after the writing class–”
“Wait, what?” I lifted my head in confusion.
“Steph said you implied that you were seeing someone when she talked to you last week. When I heard that, I knew I had to know one way or another, just to put my mind at ease. I wanted them to be wrong. I wanted them to be lying, fat, clucking chickens who have nothing better to talk about than other people's business, but you were gone this weekend. I must have driven by your building a dozen times Saturday night waiting for you to come home so we could talk. So what was it–a lover's getaway? Did you shack up in some hotel and fuck her all weekend?”
“I thought we were seeing other people! You made it clear you were moving on! How couldn’t you expect the same from me?” I raged, confused and angrier than I'd ever been. “What happened to you, Mel? You're so bitter.” She said she didn't know who I was anymore, but this selfish, manipulative person wasn't the woman I'd married six years ago either.
“Me? Me?! You've embarrassed me! I have family in this town! Friends! And now they all know you left me to fuck around with some whore!”
“Don't call her that. Don't you ever call her that.” I advanced, my fists clenching with barely contained restraint.
“Oh...” Mel's vindictive laugh echoed off the cream walls of my small apartment. “You love her?! You’re so weak.” She spat with a grin.
The last thing I felt was weak. I felt strong, in command of my life and my future. I felt better than ever. “Get out.”
“Always running.” She shook her head. “Do you fuck her here? Does she sneak in your door late at night because you're too ashamed for the entire town to see that your mid-life crisis comes in the form of a silly college girl?” She turned and swiped a stack of books off the kitchen island, then stormed across the room and shoved at my mountain bike without care for broken parts or the three hundred dollar price tag. It clattered with a tinny crash before she kicked at the wheel and spun to land eyes on the bookcase that was freshly stained and waiting for a second coat. Auburn’s bookcase.
“No.” I lunged to stop her. Mel pushed it to the floor and a few pieces splintered.
“Fuck!” I roared and tore my hands through my hair, pulling to feel the pain to distract from the anger.
“Wait a minute.” Mel’s eyes cut to me. “Is that for her? Did you build her a fucking book case?!” I didn’t answer her as I stood the shelf up and examined the few broken pieces of pine.
“Oh my God. You built a fucking bookshelf for her?!” She turned and launched herself at me, palms out, shoving me into the wall. I collided with an oof and with eyes shut I sucked in deep, calming breaths.
“We both need to cool down. You'll be hearing from my lawyer.” I grit as I opened the door for her.
Her breathing shallow and quick, she narrowed her eyes before a slow, manipulative smile lifted her cheeks. “Not if you know what's good for you, I won't. Don't forget who's on the school board.” She breezed past me and was gone, leaving utter destruction in her wake.
nineteen
The weeks following the confrontation that would eventually be the beginning of the end went by slowly. Mel and I didn’t talk. The cold war had officially begun but still the thought of divorce twisted my insides. I had thought I'd found the right person with Mel, but now I knew I'd forced her into that role. Looking back, she'd always been selfish. I couldn’t count the number of times she'd pulled me out of bed sick or weak, to attend a town function or party. Mel had always been all about appearances, it'd just taken me leaving to recognize that.
As time passed things had become more strained between Auburn and I, too. I wanted to talk to her every single day about the fucked up things running through my head, but I didn’t. I was conscious of keeping it as it had been, the last thing I wanted was her caught up in my bullshit anymore than she already was. But still, not being together took it's toll.
We texted and emailed a few times a week. My contract had finally expired with my cell carrier so I took myself off of Mel's account and insisted she put all the bills in her name. It was time. They were little steps, but they were steps all the same. Mel's parents had been feeding her money for years, paying for Christmas getaways in Breckinridge and summers on sandy beaches in Fiji. Mel had lived a blessed life, with parents that caved to her every whim, I should have known I could never maintain the lifestyle she required. I'd just been foolish enough to think love was enough.
Auburn and I stayed up late on the phone one night a few weeks after she'd been gone talking about her classes, what we were reading and writing–she was still zip-lipped about her story–and when we could meet. I was terrified to leave the area. Mel was a live wire, and I knew people were talking around town. I could feel it in my bones, that sideways glance you get when ordering coffee. The way the teachers hush up in the break room when you walk in. I’d taken to spending breaks in my classroom, thinking of Auburn.
Us.
Drive-ins and books and lighthouses and cherry trees. I couldn't keep the memories at bay. When it was just me, I thought of her.
September passed and the warm temperatures dipped, turning emerald leaves shades of rust and crimson. October came with a blast of freezing cold, accelerating the death of the vibrant blooms in our small corner of Michigan. Mel eventually started talking to me again, not just seething or screaming or spitting. We didn’t talk about anything serious, far from it, but when something came up, we were cordial. Emotions were still raw, I recognized that. She hated me. I saw that in her eyes too, but I also saw something else, I began to see acceptance. Maybe this was the moment I'd been waiting for; I needed Mel to get to a place of acceptance, a place where we could be amicable, before I filed for divorce.
The chime on my phone beeped on October nineteenth, a Friday. I didn’t remember ever setting an alarm. Maybe I had an appointment I’d scheduled out? I pulled the new iPhone from my pocket and found an alert I hadn't expected.
Auburn’s 22nd Birthday!!! :-*
The night we’d sat on the beach and exchanged birth dates came back to me. I’d forgotten all about it. And now it was here and I didn’t have anything for her and nothing special planned. I could have given her the bookcase, but it wasn't ready after Mel had pushed it in her rage.
I walked the few blocks to school from my apartment and a plan quickly formulated. I sent her a text.
Meet me at the water. Tonight. 7.
twenty
I skipped another stone and watched the ripples fan out in a crest. I was back where we’d been months ago, my parent’s cherry orchard, down by the water and waiting for my favorite girl. I checked my watch again. I’d been waiting thirty-five minutes. I knew in my gut she wasn’t coming. My heart fell. My chest hurt and my eyes burned from the sun-streaked sky reflecting off the water. I skipped one more stone with too much strength born from frustration and watched it sink on the se
cond skip. I shoved my hands in my pockets and turned to leave, when a flash of dark hair and a soft smile met me.
“Hi,” I uttered, relief loosening all the muscles I hadn't known where strung so tight.
“Hi.”Auburn moved closer with tentative steps. My heart swelled as she advanced, love radiating from her eyes. It'd felt like a fucking eternity without her. Like the longest seven weeks of my life. I'd moved into auto-pilot, going through the motions of work, dinner, sleep, repeat all for the sake of buying time.
“Happy Birthday,” I breathed when she finally reached me. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” her voice cracked when she uttered the words.
“Jesus. I missed you so fucking much.” I wrapped her in my arms and held her tightly. My fucking life preserver. I didn’t care if we didn’t utter another word, just standing here with her like this, I was happy. It was all I needed to feel whole again. Like a real person, and not a robot.
We stayed on the shore with a blanket and a bottle of wine until one am. She told me about her fumbling English professor that wore vests with a spectacle attached and ran through biographies of Fitzgerald and Hemingway with an excitement most often seen on children's faces Christmas morning.
“Another crush?” I bumped shoulders with her as we lay side by side, hands locked, talking under the October sky.
“Right. My sixty year old prof who looks like Dr. Evil.” She huffed, and then broke into a chuckle.
“I missed that laugh.” I tucked my nose into her hair and sucked in a deep breath of her soft scent.
“I missed everything about this,” she murmured, a sad tone now replacing that giggle I loved.
“Don’t do that. Don’t be sad. I promise, this isn’t the end. This is a tough time, but I’m not going back to her. I promise you I’m not.” I itched to tell her more, but I couldn’t, not yet. “Do you believe me?”
She sniffed softly, eyes glistening in the silver light of the moon, before she nodded. I swiped at a tear with the pad of my thumb and licked it off my finger. “I’m not letting you go for that long again.” I held her to me, a sense of peace resonating through my soul at being with her. I breathed deeply, the sense finally settling that everything would be okay. Everything would finally be okay.
“Promise?” Her fingertips clutched at my sides as tears dampened the fabric of my woven shirt. I felt the pain running through her blood and connecting our hearts.
“Always.” I said resolutely. And I meant it. I meant it with every cell in my body.
twenty-one
I thought about that night before I fell asleep for the next week. I called her every day, no more impersonal emails or texts. I was hers. I wanted her to know it. I still had so much to work through, and Auburn was being more patient than I could ever hope to expect from anyone, but that night had given me renewed hope.
Mel had planted the seed in my mind that Auburn could be seeing other people, could be doing anything, and I worked it over obsessively, looking for signs when she didn't answer her phone or text back immediately. I nearly drove myself up the wall, why would she stay? I was an almost-thirty-something high school teacher about to go through a nasty divorce. I couldn’t see her like I wanted, couldn't even be open about our relationship, she had every right to get on with her life. But somewhere I knew deep down in the roots of my soul that she was mine and I was hers, and we would get to that place where we could be happy. We had to.
Two weeks passed with agonizing slowness and I was desperate to see her. It was Friday night and I’d been planning this overnight with her all week. I'd booked the hotel for just one night, because she had a mid-term to study for the rest of the weekend, but it would be better than nothing at all. Auburn and I rode high on the adrenaline until we could be in each other’s arms again. I’d made reservations at a quiet restaurant near campus and then planned to spend the whole night with her in my arms.
I checked an alert on my phone after class on Friday. Expecting Auburn, I was about to tell her I just needed to head home and grab my bag and then I was headed out, when Mel’s picture flashed on my screen. I winced.
I need your help. Can you stop by?
“Fuck,” I lifted my head to see if anyone had heard me.
Why? I replied.
Just for a quick minute. I promise.
I knew if I refused she would throw another fit, and I didn't want to rock the boat, not before I had time to sign the papers, anyway.
Sure. I typed and hit send, grinding my teeth in frustration. I changed my clothes and tossed my overnight bag in the car before heading out of town and towards my old house.
I put the Blazer in park ten minutes later and ambled up the steps to the front door. I knocked once before finding it unlocked. “Mel?” I called as I took in the pristine living room we once shared.
“Back here!” Mel's voice echoed down the hallway. “This better be quick,” I murmured under my breath, anxious to get on the road and to Auburn. I turned the corner and stepped into the master bedroom to find Mel bent over the bed, ass in the air, wearing a school girl uniform.
“What the fuck, Mel?”
“Come fuck me.” She purred over her shoulder, wiggling her ass in the too-short skirt.
“You've got to be kidding me.” I ran a hand through my hair.
“I can satisfy your school girl fantasy.” She arched her back more with a smile.
“Get dressed.” I tossed a throw blanket over her and walked out the door.
“Seriously, Reed?” She scurried after me, throw wrapped around her body as she followed me into the kitchen.
“You're better than this.” My hand twisted the door knob just as she reached me.
“Reed, don't leave. Please, I'm so fucked up over this. Daddy told me you met with a lawyer last week. Don't leave me, baby, I can be better. I've been doing a lot of thinking, maybe this summer you just had a tough time, I can forgive. We can go back to how we were.” She smoothed a hand down my chest, her eyes pleading.
“Mel.” I groaned.
“Please?” She murmured.
This soft side was something I'd never seen out of her before. She wasn't fooling me. “No.” I shook my head and twisted the knob again.
“If you leave I'll kill myself,” she said in a hurry as she pulled a knife from the block and held it to her wrist. I watched the sharp blade pressing against her skin, the pinpoint of creamy flesh turning white with the pressure.
“Mel, don't do this.” I took long strides to reach her, then stood frozen. The look in her eye was angry, unpredictable, wild.
“What have I got to lose?” She shrugged and applied more pressure.
“Everything! You have everything to lose! What about your parents? Your brother?”
“I have nothing! You were my everything and you left. I lived for you!” She spit as angry tears filled her eyes.
“You've only ever cared about yourself! We were too young, Mel. We thought we had the world figured out, but we're not good together.”
“But I love you,” she simpered. That familiar seductive look used to drive me crazy with desire, now it turned my stomach. How could I have been so foolish to fall for her over-glossed lips and carefully rehearsed lines?
“We fought every day for the last two years! Why would you want to live like that?!” My brain short-circuited and all I could think about was ending this, pulling off the metaphorical band-aid and cutting all ties with Mel. “These vindictive games have to stop, Mel.” I ended softly as I took the knife from her hand.
Her face fell before she padded around me in bare feet and curled up on a corner of the couch. “Will you stay? I need someone to talk to. I don't have anyone, Reed.” She sobbed into the soft cashmere throw.
“I can't, I have a thing tonight.”
“Please, I need you. Just one last night. I just need to talk about this, I know you want a divorce, I know we've been fighting so much, but when I lost you, I couldn’t think straight.
All I could think about was getting you back.”
“That's not going to happen, Mel.” I sat on the couch next to her.
“Why?” She squeaked through a sob.
“It's just not.” I said quietly. She didn't answer, only tucking herself in my lap. I froze, before relaxing and giving her the closure I knew we both needed. It'd been a long time coming.
twenty-two
An hour later and I was still rubbing Mel's back as she slept quietly, partially sprawled across my lap. I grit my teeth as the sun fell in the sky and afternoon turned to evening. I fished my phone out of my pocket and opened a message for Auburn and typed: Bad news. Can we talk?
Uh oh. Not gonna make it?
I hated disappointing her, hated that I couldn't see her tonight, hold her, lose myself in her alluring scent and curl up in a king bed with her. I gently adjusted Mel off of my lap, and after making sure she was still sleeping, ducked out the front door to call Auburn. She picked up on the first ring. “What happened?” Her voice sounded years away over the phone.
“Mel is having a really tough time. I hate to do this, but I have to cancel tonight. I’m so sorry,” I finished, disappointment leaving a hollow tone in my throat.
“A tough time?” The sadness in her voice carried across the phone line.
“She asked me to stop by, she said she needed help, but I found her, well, she's not herself, and she had a knife. I'm just afraid if I leave her alone tonight...I'm afraid of what she'll do.” I held my breath waiting for the explosion, the indifference, anything. I knew she should be more than fed up with this by now. She deserved someone that made her their everything and no mater how badly I wanted to, that's something I couldn't give her, not yet.
“I understand,” she finally said, sadness permeating the phone line.
“I was looking forward to tonight so fucking much,” I mumbled into the phone, part frustration, part yearning for the girl on the other end.
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