by Bea Paige
“No. No more,” he insists.
“But you are not fully healed,” I say, noticing the wound hasn’t yet closed.
“I said no more, Accacia.” His voice is tight.
“Why not? It’s not as if you haven’t taken it before,” I say. Why does he persist on being such a goddamn martyr?
“That was different…”
“I don’t understand you, Ezra. What am I supposed to do? You needed blood, I gave it to you.” I am mortified. Not only has he rejected me, he’s done it in front of everyone else. Without thinking it through, I push against his chest with my palms in frustration. Out of the corner of my eye I see Rhain, Devin and Nostra giving each other worried looks.
“Did nothing I said in the tunnel mean anything to you?” He remains tight-lipped, guarded. “I don’t know why I bothered,” I say, my voice wobbling. “You can go to hell.”
Red, it’s not wise to poke an injured lion.
Shut up, Devin. I stand up, turning on him. He holds his hands up.
“What about upsetting me? Have any of you considered that? I am not someone you can fool around with, then cast aside at whim. I will not be that person, do you hear me? Now, has anyone else got anything they’d like to add to my humiliation?” I look around at all of them. Not one can look me in the eye.
“I thought so.” I turn on my heel and storm off back towards Nostra’s home.
“Accacia, wait. I didn’t mean…” Ezra says after me, but I don’t stop. I just keep walking.
Chapter Seventeen
As soon as I enter Nostra’s house, I immediately feel guilty at the mess Rhain and I made. There are broken dishes and cups everywhere, the table is out of place, the chairs knocked over and the rug bunched up. Sighing, I start to tidy up. My emotions are all over the place. Ezra has me so tied up in knots it is becoming unbearable to be around him, and utterly confusing. In my heart, I am glad he is okay, glad he’s safe. I want him to be happy, I had wanted him to live for the right reasons and not die for the wrong ones. In the tunnel, when he was dying right in front of my eyes, I knew what I felt. That I cared for him, that I didn’t want him to die, and after he had taken my blood he had said that he would live for me. Perhaps he had been out of it still. Perhaps he thought I was Thalia, who knows. At the time, it felt like he meant it. That something more than indifference was developing between us. Then he refuses my blood, makes me feel unwanted. Is it so wrong to want him to live?
I’m not expecting great declarations of love. I understand he will never love another like he loved his wife. Maybe it’s naïve, I just hope that he and I will find some kind of equilibrium and that, eventually, he will heal.
Behind me the door opens, and expecting to see either Rhain or Devin I turn around. Except it is neither. Ezra is filling the doorway.
“Can I come in?”
I place the broken pot I am holding onto the table. “Where are the others?” I ask, avoiding his question. Do I want him to come in? Right now, probably not.
“They have gone to Devin’s cottage. They thought it would be a good idea if we talked.”
Devin, I’m not in the mood for more of Ezra’s shit. I say, silently reaching out to him.
Devin doesn’t respond, but I know he is there lurking. I can feel it.
Ganging up on me now, I see.
Silence.
“I didn’t know Devin had a home here. I thought you all lived within the castle.”
“We spend as little time at the castle as possible. It’s easier now that we are Queen Adrielle’s knights, it allows us a measure of freedom. So, in answer to your question, yes, we all have a home here in the hamlet. Though we still have to present ourselves at the castle often. Accacia, I am not here to speak about Queen Adrielle. I wish to speak with you. May I come in?” Ezra repeats.
“Fine,” I say. “It’s not as if I have a choice.”
“You always have a choice,” Ezra says, hesitating in the doorway.
I narrow my eyes at him. “You know what, you’re right. I’d like to hear what you have to say.”
Ezra nods his head, shutting the door gently behind him. “Let’s sit by the fire. I’m not sure I will be able to sit at that table again,” he says, looking at me and the mess that is Nostra’s kitchen. There is amusement in his eyes and not disgust, and that completely throws me. I take a seat opposite him and wait.
For a long time, he just looks into the fire, the golden flames casting a glow over his handsome face. He takes a deep breath, then releases it slowly. “I met Thalia when I was just a boy. She was my best friend since I was seven. We spent almost every day together, playing in the Light fields, getting up to mischief.” He looks up at me, a smile pulling at his lips. I don’t say a word, frightened that if I do he will stop talking.
“Then one day I saw her differently. I was nineteen. It was the height of summer and all of Clan Lux was gathered at the Solstice ball to celebrate the Goddess Solaria. Thalia was standing talking to friends of ours. She was so… so beautiful. She had this light blue dress on. She always wore her hair up, but this time it was falling about her shoulders in soft ringlets, the sun highlighting the golden lights I loved so much. The same hair my daughter was blessed with years later…” Ezra stops, rubbing a shaking hand across his face. I want to reach out and touch him, tell him he doesn’t have to relive such memories, but I don’t. I wait.
“She was like the sun rising, like the northern star shining brightly on a dark night. When our eyes met, I knew instantly that I had fallen irrevocably in love with her. We underwent the Joining less than a year later, Roseanna was born not long after. Thalia was the love of my life, my soul, and Roseanna, my heart…” Ezra’s voice breaks, just as my own heart twists inside my chest.
“Ezra, you don’t have to…” I start, but his eyes fall on my face and I am silenced by the heartache I see there.
“The day the curse was cast, Thalia and Roseanna had left for the Light fields early. Every week we would visit there as a family and pray to the Light Goddess, Solaria.” Tears fill Ezra’s eyes, the storm cloud brewing within the grey. I know what is coming next. I had seen what had happened for my own eyes in the memory Clover had shown me, but I don’t say that. I let Ezra continue.
“I was late because one of the horses was foaling and I needed to assist the mare. I heard their screaming from the barn and I knew in that moment they were dying. The sound…” A tear slips from Ezra’s eye and slides down his cheek, but still he continues.
“I ran out of the barn. I tried to reach them but was forced back inside by the sun. The pain was indescribable, Accacia.”
“I understand, Ezra. I understand. You don’t have to re-live this moment. You don’t owe me anything,” I say, my own eyes filling with tears.
“I owe you much more than an explanation and I will get to that. But I need to do this. I need you to understand.”
“Okay,” I respond, holding back the tears that threaten to fall.
“I was injured myself the day the curse was cast. Every part of my skin touched by the sun burned the moment I stepped out of the barn. It was excruciating, but it wasn’t an excuse for what I did next, or rather what I didn’t do.” He presses his fingers over his eyes, and a sob releases from his throat. “I hid, Accacia. I hid in our home whilst my wife and child burnt to death.”
I suck in a ragged breath. No wonder he’s so keen to end his life. Having to carry that guilt with him for so many years must be such a huge burden, but it’s a burden he doesn’t deserve to carry. “Tell me something, Ezra, even if you had managed to get to Thalia and Roseanna without perishing first, do you honestly think there was anything you could have done to save them? You would have died too.”
“For a thousand years I have relived that day. I have punished myself over and over again.” He drops his head into his hands, his shoulders heaving. To see him come undone is too much. I get off my seat and kneel in front of him, prising his arms away from his face. His e
yes remain downcast.
“Look at me, Ezra,” I demand. His eyes meet mine. “You were afraid, in pain, confused. Your wife, your daughter, they loved you as much as you loved them. Do you think either of them would have wanted that pain, that death for you? You lived for a reason, maybe it’s to do with the prophecy, the curse. Maybe it’s because of something else, but I refuse to let you carry that guilt with you anymore. You must let it go.”
“Their screams were like nothing I’ve heard before, or since, Accacia. The sound of them dying has haunted every waking moment of my long life. At night there is no respite, either. For so long I have wanted to join them, to end the pain I feel.”
“Ezra…”
“Every night since I lost them I have dreamt of them both. The dream is always the same. I’m standing at the edge of the Light field, Thalia and Roseanna are standing in the middle, laughing and holding hands, but I am never able to reach them. No matter how hard I try I can never get to them. But now something has changed.”
“What?” I ask gently.
“Earlier today, in the fae kingdom, I had the same dream. Except this time Thalia and Roseanna were standing next to me. At last I had them in my arms. For so long I’ve wanted to be with them, to join them in the Light and then…”
“Yes?”
Ezra looks directly at me. “Then you came into my life. You, Accacia, are the reason I can let them go now. I’ve been fighting myself every minute since we’ve met. Fighting this feeling that I haven’t experienced for so very long. I have treated you unfairly because I haven’t been able to deal with these new emotions you have stirred in me. For that I am truly sorry.” He raises a hand against my face and I am completely lost for words. “I said goodbye to Thalia, to Roseanna. I watched them walk into the Light fields, watched as the Light welcomed them into its arms until finally they disappeared. And do you know what, Accacia, something finally lifted from my shoulders. The guilt I’ve carried for so long left me as they did. For the first time in a thousand years I finally feel as though I can live. When I woke up after saying goodbye and found you next to me, I knew with absolute clarity that you are the reason I am here today. You are the reason I choose to live,” Ezra squeezes my hands. “When I said I would live for you, I meant it. Thank you, for giving me your blood. For saving me from myself.”
My heart catches in my chest. “But earlier, you didn’t want me to help you. You didn’t want my blood,” I say, confused.
Ezra smiles. It is shaky, but it is there nonetheless. “In the forest, when you ordered that I return to you, I made a promise to myself.”
“And what was that?”
“I promised that the next time I took your blood, you would be my wife.”
Chapter Eighteen
“You want to marry me?” I say, standing up. I’m pretty certain my mouth is hanging open in shock. Talk about emotional rollercoaster. My head is spinning. The most unbelievable part is I want to say yes. That fact itself scares me half to death. Did Ezra just profess his love for me, or have I imagined that part?
He stands with me. “Marry? I’ve never heard that expression before. Is it the same as the Joining ceremony, something that takes place on Earth?”
“In a manner of speaking,” I say, puffing out a breath.
“Of course, it is true to say that the moment you gave me your blood we were bonded. The Joining is simply a ceremonial act that makes it more official. What do you say, Accacia?” he asks, stepping closer.
“Ezra…” I begin, not sure if I can give him an answer.
“It’s a lot to take in, I know. I will give you time, Accacia. I will wait. Despite what Devin thinks, I am a patient man.” He laughs then, and the sound is light, happy.
But that’s just it, that’s part of the reason I’m unable to just say yes, despite my crazy heart wanting me to. There are Devin and Rhain to consider too. I care about them both. My feelings for them are growing rapidly and I’ve not had time to explore them properly. I can’t possibly make such an important decision without considering those feelings first.
Say yes, Accacia.
Devin, what the hell? Now you decide to speak up.
It’s a simple decision.
The hell it is! Ezra wants me to be his wife, Devin. What about…
Rhain? Me? He chuckles, and I have the sudden urge to smack him. I would if he was standing nearby.
“Be my guest,” Devin says, as he walks through the door.
“Brother,” Ezra says. “I was just asking Accacia to bond with me officially, to partake in the Joining ceremony.”
“I know. Red can’t hide her thoughts or feelings all that well. The connection we have through the Binding is most interesting.” Devin grins, winking at me. I blanch. Behind him Rhain enters, he’s also grinning at me. What the hell are they all finding so amusing?
“Actually, I was thinking about the fact that we’ve only just met. I’ve known you all a handful of days. Days,” I repeat.
Devin shrugs. “What does that matter? I have lived longer than a thousand years. That’s a lot of days to be alone, Red.”
“Time is irrelevant when you find the one you want.” Rhain walks over to me and wraps an arm around my shoulders. He kisses me in front of his brothers, not caring in the slightest. I’m pretty sure Devin said something similar to me a few days ago when he was trying to persuade me to sleep with Rhain. I laugh hysterically.
“Of course it’s relevant. You are no more than strangers.”
“We are not strangers,” Rhain says, his eyes alight with desire.
I push at his chest. “You know what I mean. This isn’t normal behaviour. You can’t expect me to become Ezra’s wife just like that.” I look between Rhain and Devin, then at Ezra.
“What was your immediate reaction,” Ezra says, stepping closer to me. “When I asked, what was the first thought that came to your mind?”
My throat goes dry and I step away from him, effectively backing myself into Rhain who has, somehow, manoeuvred behind me. “You haven’t actually asked…” I mumble. Behind me I hear Rhain chuckle. Feel his arm snake around my waist, feel my body melt into him ever so slightly. Damn him and damn my traitorous body.
Ezra stops short, considering me. He doesn’t seem at all concerned that Rhain is nibbling at my ear.
“You’re right, I haven’t…”
“Oh no,” I start, waving my hand at him. “I didn’t mean you should…”
Hush, Red, let him. Devin says silently. I turn to look at him, he is leaning against the door, arms crossed, an amused smile on his face. I haven’t seen Ezra this at peace for, well, before the curse.
Devin, stop him. This isn’t…
Isn’t what? Right? You are a member of Clan Lux. You might not have grown up here, with us, but who we are as a people is still there, ingrained within your blood. We love freely, Red. Don’t let those same excuses stop you from making a decision that will make you happy. Besides, it’s too late. Joining ceremony or not, the moment you gave Ezra your blood you were bonded with him for life anyway.
But…
You may not have acted on instinct when you gave Ezra your blood, but the reason why you did it remains the same. You wanted him to live, for us, for you. That hasn’t changed, has it?
No, but…
Devin pushes off from the door and approaches us all. He joins his brothers and they move around me until I am centred in the middle. A broken memory of sultry music and hands covering my body filters back into my head. That disjointed memory is the only part of that night that doesn’t fill me with dread. My heart rate increases as I remember the way it felt to be surrounded by them all. Devin looks at me, a half-smile forming on his face.
“Rhain and I knew what it would mean if Ezra ever accepted your blood. We knew you would be joined for life. We wanted that for him, for you.”
“You don’t care?” I ask, my heart stuttering.
“It’s not that we don’t care. It’s that it does
n’t matter. It is not unusual for our people to have multiple partners. I’ve told you this before, Red. We want you to understand it’s okay to feel something for more than one person at a time.”
“And I’m assuming you mean I should accept the same from you?” I say, feeling a knot tie up in my stomach. The thought of any of them with someone else makes me feel sick. Bugger that. Feeding is one thing, they have to do it to survive, I’m beginning to understand that. But being with someone else, loving them, I don’t think I can take that. Even when I don’t really know how I feel, I know that much.
“No. Never,” Rhain says fiercely. “There will be no one else for any of us.”
Ezra steps forward again and takes my hand. “I’ve been a fool…” he begins.
“But what about everything else,” I say, cutting him off. “There are bigger things going on here.” They look at me blankly. “The curse, the prophecy, the other sisters. My friend, Clover. You came to find me for those reasons. I am here to break the curse. There’s so much at stake, I can’t just marry…” My voice trails off. God, I am a mess of confusion.
“Don’t you think it is about time Accacia knows the full truth,” Nostra says as he walks in the room. He flicks his wrist and the broken earthenware that I hadn’t finished cleaning up mends itself, the tables and chairs straighten, and the rug is pulled flat. The smell of food wafts under my nose, and a loaf of bread, butter, and cheese appear on the table alongside a large jug of red wine.
“Stop crowding Accacia and let her eat. If you are hungry I suggest you go and take blood elsewhere and return when you are satiated. In the meantime, I will fill Accacia in on the full prophecy,” Nostra says dismissively.
“I’m not sure that’s a good…” Rhain starts, but Nostra snaps his fingers and Rhain’s mouth clamps shut. Nostra raises his eyebrow at the look Rhain is giving him.
“Half-truths are nothing but lies dressed up. Accacia deserves to know the truth. Then she can make her own mind up.”