“If you left because you were pregnant, why didn’t you come back after you miscarried? Why not come back and say you panicked? You wouldn’t have been saddling me with an unwanted kid. Or was there another reason?” His tone cut deep.
She winced but held her tongue, biting off a bitchy response. He’s only had minutes to process the information, not years. He needed time, but time could work both ways. It could heal a wound or help it fester until the pain swallowed you whole.
“I still wanted children and as you said, there were other options. You didn’t. That fact hadn’t changed. Nor had the fact that you didn’t come after me change.” She wanted to go to him, to hold him, comfort him, but she didn’t think she could take it if he rejected her touch again. “I made a mistake, Brody. Can’t you forgive me?”
“Not this time, not for this.”
Chapter Twenty
Brody had sat for five minutes debating where to go. Too early on a Sunday to barge in on either of the guys, and his mom was on her way to Bermuda on her honeymoon. So he did what he did best. He headed to the office and lost himself in work. There was more than enough to keep him busy and fill his head with something other than his life falling apart. Again.
He dug in, revising and finalizing the contract for Padgett that would save his company and get him out of a huge lawsuit. Next, he prepped for the two Legal Aid cases, both of which had court appearances scheduled for the week ahead. The first should be a slam dunk, a breach of contract between a tenant and the landlord, with the owner being at fault. He had more than enough evidence to prove to the court that the douchebag withheld his client’s deposit unjustly. Not only had his client met the lease terms and given proper notice but the landlord still hadn’t made the mandatory repairs as previously ordered by the courts.
The second ripped at his heart, a child custody case in which the mom had been found unfit due to substance abuse and the minor child had been placed in her maternal grandmother’s care. His client was the father, who had only found out a few months earlier that he had a kid, after ten years.
Missing out on your kid’s life for a decade sucked royally. At least he’d get a chance to know his daughter. His client might have missed out on her first steps or words, but he’d be there for her first date and he’d get to dance with her at her wedding.
Brody had missed it all. No first steps or words. No terrible twos or pacing with his child in his arms through their first fever. He’d never get to teach them how to throw a football, watch them play lacrosse or sip tea with stuffed animals. No little girl to snuggle in his arms or place her small hands on his face and say, “I love you, Daddy.” No boy to call him Pops and play the farting game with.
The papers before him went flying across the room as he swept his desk clean. He dropped his head into his hands and let the tears go. One minute. That’s all he’d allow himself to openly grieve for his lost child. Hell, he didn’t even know, didn’t think to ask if it had been a son or daughter.
The cell phone in his pocket rang and brought him out of his pity fest until he looked and saw Denise’s number. He hit Ignore, then powered the phone down. There was nothing left to say, nothing left between them.
No, that wasn’t entirely true.
Love still lurked behind the pain and anger.
Did that make him human or pathetic?
Not in the mood to think about it, he pulled out the bottle of Patrón and one of the glasses from his bottom drawer. One shot to celebrate a crappy day. And another for the end of his relationship. The cool liquid slid down his throat, settled warm in his empty stomach, and eased some of the pain. He poured another, this time to mourn the loss.
Unsettled, he moved from behind his desk to stand in front of his floor-to-ceiling bookshelf. He’d never kept a lot of personal items in his office, but there was one photo there of him and his mom at his high school graduation.
Lifting the glass, he tossed another shot back, this time for the milestone he’d never get to celebrate with a child of his own. He refilled the glass, downing shot after shot, one for all the joys and sorrows he’d never experience but his friends would. Sure he was young still, could find another woman, get married and have kids with her. It wouldn’t be his first, though, would it? Nor would it be Denise, and that pissed him off even more, that after everything she’d said, what she’d hidden from him, he still loved and wanted only her.
Crap, he had it bad.
The room tilted to the left, then the right. He stumbled to the couch and dropped down and fell to the side. An hour or two, sleep off the tequila and he’d order some food, finish work and life would go on.
Somewhere deep in his alcohol-addled brain he heard his buddies.
“Yep, he’s drunk,” Dave noted.
“The idiot should have come over,” Jason’s voice held a note of disgust.
Whatever; if they’d only shut up, he could sleep.
“Should we leave him here or carry him to the car and drive him home?” Dave asked.
“It’d serve him right if we left him as he is. Hell, what are brothers for if not to put up with you when your heart’s broken and you smell like a distillery? Call for a couple of pizzas and I’ll get some water. He’s going to need both.”
“Would you two shut up? Can’t you see I’m sleeping?” he slurred.
Double snorts of disbelief followed.
“Looks like you’re wicked drunk to me,” Dave said.
A hand grabbed his. He forced his eyes open to see Jase standing over him.
“Come on, Bro. Time to sit up. Tell me that near-empty bottle of Patrón wasn’t full when you started.” Jase bent down to stare into his eyes.
Brody worked on focusing on the bottle he’d left on the desk. No, not full. Close, though; about as much gone as there was left now. He shook his head, then ran his hands over his face and through his hair to lace them at the back of his neck. Jase grabbed a bottle of water out of his minifridge and thrust it into his hands.
“Drink.”
“What are you doing here?” He didn’t know what time it was or how long he’d slept, but enough time had passed for most of the haze to fade.
“You mean besides checking on your dumb ass?” Dave dropped down next to him. “Making sure you don’t do something even stupider than drinking alone.”
“Aww, you care.”
“Denise called Cherry, told her everything. Why didn’t you come to us?” Jase pulled the chair up in front of him.
“And ruin your day? Not fair to you or your ladies, and not your problem.”
“What bullshit.” Dave shot to his feet, walked to the window, and turned back to face him. “We’ve known each other for too long to buy that line or to give it. I know the dynamics are different now, with Jase married and me engaged, but that doesn’t change who we are, not to each other. The pizza should be here in a minute. I’m going to go wait outside.”
Jase waited until the outside door slammed shut. “He’s right. We’re friends, brothers by choice, which makes the bond stronger than if we’d been born to the same parents. Good, bad, doesn’t matter, we’re there for each other. Always, and for you to insinuate otherwise is insulting. You might want to make use of that fancy bathroom you installed. Brush your teeth so you can taste the pizza. Take a quick shower. You smell, Bro.”
With those words of support, Jase left him sitting alone to think.
A quick glance outside told him day had passed into evening. He could lay his head back down and lose himself in sleep or he could follow his friend’s advice. A grumble from his stomach had him getting up and heading to the shower. He took his time, let the water wash away the last of the brain fog, worked out the kinks in his neck and back from sleeping on his lumpy couch, and walked out to the wonderful aroma of melted cheese and garlic.
He sat down next to Dave on the couch, took a proffered slice, and filled the hole in his stomach. The one in his heart remained. The guys ate in silence, and when he had
his fill, he looked to one and then the other before speaking.
“I owe you both an apology. Not for coming here instead of to you but for the not-your-problem comment. I’ll say this once and probably never again. You’re both right. It’s always been us against the world, and even though we’ve added Cherry and Tawny to our mix . . . that stays the same. I imagine they’re both upset with me too.”
“You’ve no idea.” Dave tossed his paper plate into the empty pizza box. “It took a lot of promising and convincing to get them to stay home.”
He winced. In the past year, Cherry and Tawny had become his family. “I’ll call them later.”
“Are you okay?” Jase’s eyes were filled with concern.
“Yeah. I wish she’d told me, given me a chance. I feel bad that I wasn’t there for her, but she took that choice away from me.”
The guys exchanged a look, one he knew from experience would mean that whatever was coming next would piss him off.
“What?”
“We sort of understand why she didn’t tell you. Not that it excuses it, but you did say that night at Paddy’s that you didn’t want kids, Bro.”
“I was kidding. Come on, Jase, you know that.”
“The thing is, I don’t think you were when you said it. Yeah, I knew someday you wanted a family, but right then, as you were just getting this firm really going? No.”
Dave laid a hand on his arm to keep him sitting. “We’re not saying what she did was right. You had a right to know. But one thing I’ve learned from being around Cherry in the last couple of weeks, pregnant women think with their emotions, not their heads. No offense meant.”
Jason held up his hands. “No argument here.”
Brody slouched down on the couch, crossed his feet, and cupped the back of his neck with his hands, trying to work out more knots. “Doesn’t matter. I’m better off without her in my life.”
“Are you?” Dave asked.
It’d been over two weeks since Brody had walked out of her life. A time filled with regret, anger, sadness, and decisions. It was one of those decisions that had her at work, exiting Simon’s office when she should be on her way home to enjoy her day off.
She’d hustled to the locker room and made it to the bathroom stall right as her breakfast made its way back up. Maybe now that the decision was made and shared, her nerves and stomach would calm down.
“Denise, are you okay,” Jenna called from the other side of the door.
She pulled the door open and headed toward the sink. After washing off her face and rinsing her mouth, she turned to her friend. “Yeah, thanks.”
“You had a couple of flu cases this week. Think you might be coming down with it?”
“More like what I ate.”
Jenna leaned against the other sink. “Which was what and when? You’ve barely slowed down all week.”
“Around five I had my usual Pringles with Nutella and Pop-Tarts.”
Her friend shook her head and headed toward the lockers. “When are you going to stop eating like a twelve-year-old boy?”
Laughing, she followed and opened her own locker. “Never.” She quickly changed from scrubs to a T-shirt and jeans before sitting on the bench. “It was more than likely caused by nerves.”
Jenna, half dressed in scrubs and civvies, joined her. “What’s going on? You and Brody?”
“I told him everything. He chose not to forgive me.” She held up her hand to stop the rant brewing in her friend’s eyes. “But that’s not everything. I just told Dr. Simon that I’m dropping out of the fellowship and that I’m leaving.”
“What.” Jenna’s brows lifted as her mouth hung slack. “Where are you going?”
“I’m not sure yet. I’ve applied for a couple of positions, one in San Francisco that I haven’t heard back on yet, but I’ve got an interview Friday at Chicago Memorial.”
“Chicago, huh?” Jenna stood up and continued to dress. “Isn’t McHottie Pants from the Windy City?”
“He is. You could come with me. We could make it a weekend getaway and I could introduce the two of you.”
Roan was a great guy and she’d said it and thought it before, but it was worth repeating: any woman would count herself lucky to win his heart. He deserved someone just as great and that someone wasn’t her. Maybe if Brody hadn’t come back in her life, she could have fallen in love with Roan, or maybe in another fifty years when she’d gotten over her heartbreak. As it was, the man might not want her, but her heart belonged to Brody.
“Can’t, working. So if you’re not going to Chicago because of Roan, why do you need to leave here? It’s not like you and Brody run in the same circles. You avoided him for years. You can do it again.”
True. Providence wasn’t Boston, but neither was it small-town America, where everyone knew everyone and it was impossible to avoid an ex at the grocery store. But leaving her past with Brody behind was only one of the reasons for leaving.
“He’s not the reason, not the only reason anyway. I’m ready for a change. A change of scenery, routine, pace. I figure that while Chicago Memorial might not be so different in the pace department, it’ll give me a chance to get to know the area, and if I like it, then I can find an urgent care or private practice to join. I’m ready to start living my life, Jenna, not simply existing. I like being a doctor, but the hours are killing me. Sticking with the fellowship changes things up, but it still leaves me no time for a life outside of work.”
Jenna closed her locker and straddled the bench to face her. “This seems pretty sudden.”
“Not really. It’s been coming on for months. I just haven’t said anything. While I was away, I got a taste of all the fun things I’d been missing out on, and then with Brody . . . Well, let’s say I have a better idea of what I want in life, and the first step is to find a new job, one that lets me still love what I do but have a life too. I’ll worry about the other—finding love again—in due time.”
Together they stood and grabbed their bags, heading out to the parking lot. In the bright morning sun, Jenna turned to her.
“What did your family say?”
“My sisters are being very supportive. I’m waiting until I make a final choice before I break the news to my parents. My mom will flip and I’m not ready to face that yet.”
“I’ll wish you luck because you’re my friend and I love you. I won’t deny a selfish part of me doesn’t want you to leave. I’ll miss you, but hey, if you get the job in Chicago, I’ll have a good reason to visit, and then I can meet McHottie Pants.”
Denise’s stomach did another rumble and she rubbed her hand over the ache. “I’ll be glad when it’s done. Maybe then my stomach will settle down.”
“Hmm.” Jenna scrunched up her face, looking Denise up and down, but didn’t say anything else.
“What?”
“Nothing. Just hoping you didn’t catch something. Let me know if you don’t feel better.”
Her friend waved her off as she climbed into her car. She knew what Jenna was hoping. The same thought had gone through her mind when the nausea first hit. But she knew her body better than anyone, and it was simply a case of nerves.
Two weeks later, as she stood in the gazebo at Roger Williams Park and watched a little boy playing with his remote-controlled boat, the nerves were back. She’d asked Brody to meet with her there and she stood looking out over the water, wondering how hard it would be to dispose of a body there. It was a gorgeous Friday morning, but school hadn’t let out yet and it was too early in the day for weddings and parties, so the place was nearly deserted. Just her and the little boy and his mom across the water.
Perfect for a private conversation or killing someone.
His foot hit the first step, making it creak, as she turned around to greet him. A lot had happened in the month since she’d last seen him. He looked good, if not a little tired. Of course the dark circles under his eyes could be due to allergies and not lack of sleep. The tightness around his mouth tol
d her otherwise.
“Thanks for meeting me.” She shifted so he had room to join her at the front of the gazebo, where they both had something to look at rather than each other.
“You said it was important and urgent. Not another contract to get out of, is it?”
“No. How are you?”
“Busy, and I’m sure you didn’t ask me across town for small talk.” He turned his back on the water, crossing both his ankles and his arms. He was closing himself off to her, not that she blamed him.
“Sorry. I would have had you meet me at my place, but it’s a mess right now. Trying to get rid of stuff before I move.”
“I’d heard—Chicago—congrats. He’s a hell of a good guy.” If there was a hint of sadness in his voice, his facial features masked it well.
“What are you talking about?”
“Roan. It’s okay. The girls told me last weekend, at Dave and Tawny’s wedding, about your trip to Chicago. I knew from the first time I met Roan that you’d end up with him.”
Denise dropped her head back, pinched the bridge of her nose, and blew out a breath as she tilted her head down to look at him. “I’m not sure what they said, but I didn’t go to Chicago because of Roan. I saw him, but as a friend, and I’m not moving to Illinois.”
“Then where are you going?”
“I don’t know exactly yet. I’m looking for a place closer to Newport so I’ll be closer to my new job at the Base clinic.”
“I can’t believe you’re leaving emergency medicine.” His brow cocked up, but otherwise he remained passive and closed off.
“Regular hours capped off at fifty, no nights, no weekends.”
“Is that what you wanted to tell me? If so, congrats, but I’ve got work to do.”
She reached out to grab his arm to stop him. “No, wait, please.”
He did as she asked, but while his body language now said he was relaxed and open, the foot facing the exit said otherwise.
“I came across this, when I was cleaning things out.” She glanced down at the card she’d pulled out of her back pocket. Her hand shook. He said he couldn’t forgive her, and she doubted today would change his mind, but she had to try. “Five years ago, I made a huge mistake, and for that I’m—”
Fiance for Keeps Page 24