Even so on the way home to Little Barford, as she thought of Lord Silvester, her heart was aching.
Although she would always be inexpressibly grateful to have met him, she would never again be able to dream that one day she would find a man whom she would love and who would love her.
She had found him not in her dreams but in reality and she had lost him, also in reality.
“I love him – and I shall love him all my life,” Pandia whispered as she fought against her tears.
Because it had not snowed during the night, the roads were practically clear and the horses reached Little Barford without any delays.
As they drove up to the house at the end of the village, Pandia felt a sudden warmth inside her because she had come home.
She had gone adventuring, but now it was all over, and even though her father was not there, there would be Nanny and everything that was familiar and safe.
The footman opened the carriage door and as she expected the front door of the house was unbolted. As she went into the hall, Nanny appeared from the kitchen. “You’re back, dearie!” she exclaimed. “I’ve been worrying about you and half afraid I’d never see you again!” Pandia kissed her through her veil.
“I am back, quite safe and sound,” she said. “And, please, have you any money? I need a sovereign for the coachman.”
She thought Nanny was going to argue that it was too much, but instead she went into the kitchen and brought back a number of silver coins which Pandia thought must be the last of the housekeeping money.
While she was doing so, the footman was carrying in her trunks one after another and then the hatboxes.
Pandia thanked him and said, as she did so,
“I am sorry to be inhospitable and not offer you both a cup of tea, but her Ladyship was very anxious that you should return immediately.”
“That’s all right, madam.”
He touched his cockaded hat and went out through the front door, closing it behind him.
Pandia waited until she heard the wheels of the carriage driving away, then she pulled off the widow’s bonnet and was glad to be free of the constraining veil.
“Well, Miss Selene’s certainly been generous!” Nanny remarked looking at the trunks. “Not that it’s not about time! What’s she given you?”
“I have not seen them,” Pandia answered. “Her maid packed them for me and they were all things that Selene no longer wanted.”
Nanny sniffed but she only said,
“We’re going to find it difficult to get them heavy trunks upstairs. It’ll be better to unpack them down here.”
“Of course!” Pandia agreed. “That is a sensible idea! They are much too heavy for you to move about.”
“First you’re going to have something to eat,” Nanny said. “Luncheon’s ready. Are you going to eat with me as you usually do, or have you grown too grand?”
“I am going to eat with you, Nanny, and I have so much to tell you.”
She followed Nanny into the kitchen and sat down at the table, saying,
“First I must tell you about Selene’s house in London which is very large and beautifully decorated and just what Mama would like. Then I will tell you all about The Castle.”
“The Castle?” Nanny asked. “What were you doing in a castle?”
It was then that Pandia remembered that Nanny did not know why Selene had wanted her to go to London.
She was well aware that Nanny had not missed the fact that she had been disguised as a widow and, because she was quick-witted, would undoubtedly guess why she had a veil over her face.
Then she thought the safest and wisest course would be to tell Nanny the truth, that Selene had wanted her to take her place at the funeral.
But loyalty prevented her from telling Nanny the reason why. She therefore explained that Selene had no wish to waste her time attending a funeral of an old relation she had never even met.
In fact, as she had promised to go to a very glamorous and exciting party, she had asked her to take her place.
Pandia thought as she was telling her the story that Nanny seemed to believe it, but she was not completely certain.
Nanny knew them both so well and, although she had adored Selene when she was young, she had been just as hurt as Pandia had when she left home after her mother’s death.
Because it was so like a Fairy story, Pandia told Nanny about the magnificence of The Castle and also described in detail Selene’s house in London and how important her husband was.
“He must have thought it strange that he hadn’t met you before, Miss Pandia!” Nanny remarked.
“I expect Selene had a good explanation as to why I could not go to London,” Pandia replied lightly. “Did you find Miss Selene happy?” Nanny asked. Pandia had the idea she was probing a little too deeply and she said quickly,
“The Earl adores her! Now, let’s go and look in the trunks. I admit to being very curious!”
*
The next day it seemed to Pandia that she and Nanny spent all their time unpacking.
Never had she dreamt that she would ever possess such lovely clothes as those Yvette had packed for her.
There were not only the habits she had longed for and which looked to her so perfect she could not understand why Selene wished to be rid of them.
There were also gowns of every description, including a large number of summer gowns which Selene must have discarded just so that she could have new ones next year.
Nanny insisted on leaving those in the trunk.
“You’ve nowhere to put them, Miss Pandia!” she said firmly, “and they’ll not hurt, seeing as how they’re packed with so much tissue paper!”
Pandia saw the wisdom of this, even though she would have liked to keep looking at them.
But already the wardrobe in her own bedroom was full and the ones in her mother’s room.
She made another small bedroom upstairs into a wardrobe room and there were gowns on the bed and even hanging on picture hooks on the walls.
The evening gowns were lovely, but Pandia said as they took them out one by one,
“I wonder what the villagers would think if they saw me in one of these?”
“They’d decide you were mad!” Nanny said sharply, “and the Vicar would undoubtedly think you were a ‘scarlet woman’!”
They both laughed because they knew that the Vicar, who was a bachelor, was noted as being very puritanical in his attitude towards the women worshippers in the village who, Nanny always said, made eyes at him.
The hatboxes not only contained a top hat and a bowler to wear with the habits, but also a number of very pretty other hats.
There were in addition several feather-trimmed bonnets in which it was fashionable to travel and which could be worn with cloaks or coats which had fur collars.
What delighted Pandia perhaps more than anything else was that Yvette had included some of the lovely underclothes she had worn with Selene’s gowns.
There were nightgowns so diaphanous that Nanny said sharply she would catch her death of cold in them.
There were lace-trimmed chemises and petticoats that appeared to be in perfect condition.
“Extravagant! That’s what Miss Selene’s become!” Nanny said sharply. “Why does she want to get rid of these things when she couldn’t have worn them more than half-a-dozen times?”
“I expect they bored her,” Pandia replied, “and personally, Nanny, I am very thankful to have them.”
“As I said before,” Nanny answered sharply as if she must have the last word, “it’s better late than never and let’s hope that this sort of turnout is the first of many.”
She marched up the stairs as she spoke carrying an armful of silk and lace-trimmed underclothes.
Pandia sat on the floor of the hall and thought that one blessing was that she would not have to buy any more clothes for a very long time.
The next day, which was Sunday, she went to Church and every time she knelt t
o pray she felt as if Lord Silvester was beside her and she could feel his vibrations as she had done when they had knelt side by side at the funeral.
Then, because she loved him, she prayed for him that he would be safe on his journey to Morocco and that sometimes he would think of her as she would be thinking continually of him.
Her one joy was to read his book.
As she had expected, it was fascinating. Every word had a special meaning for her and somehow enriched her mind and broadened her horizons, just as his other books had done.
Then she told herself resolutely that it was time she went back to work on her father’s book and, if it was to be finished, she must waste no more time in thinking about Lord Silvester.
She remembered how much she owed to her father and how much he would like his last work to be published, even though there were very few people who would be interested in reading it.
After breakfast she said to Nanny,
“I am going to work on Papa’s book.”
“That’s right, Miss Pandia, you finish it,” Nanny replied. “We could do with any money it makes.”
“Yes, but that is not the main consideration. I cannot bear to think of anything that Papa wrote being wasted. He would be content if he helped even one person to understand the things that meant so much to him.”
“Well, I’m going shopping!” Nanny said in her most practical tone. “Otherwise there’ll be nothing to eat and when you’re working you’ll be hungry or at least you should be!”
Pandia had found it difficult to eat since she had returned home not as Nanny felt, because the food was not good enough for her, but because of the aching feeling in her breast.
It made it impossible for her to think of anything but a handsome face and twinkling eyes with strange vibrations of light that evoked a response within herself.
She went into her father’s study and sat down at his desk, forcing herself to think of him and not of the man who had said he wanted to help her with her translations.
Because of the way she was feeling, she found it harder to concentrate than ever she had in the past, and two hours later she thought despairingly that she had made very little headway.
She was finding it impossible to translate even the most simple words with the same sensitivity that her father had always shown.
‘How can I be so stupid?’ she asked herself.
*
She heard steps in the hall and knew that Nanny had come back from the village.
She felt ashamed that she had wasted the morning when she should by this time have a substantial amount to show for the passing hours.
The door of the study behind her opened, but she did not turn her head and only said,
“Go away, Nanny! I don’t deserve a good luncheon! I have simply not earned it!”
“I am sorry to hear that!” a voice replied.
But it was not Nanny who spoke.
For a moment Pandia thought that she must be dreaming.
Then she jumped to her feet.
Standing in the doorway was Lord Silvester and she thought that in the small room he seemed larger, more impressive and more magnetic than he had ever been before.
For a moment she could only stare at him.
Then, because there was a light in his eyes as if he was very pleased about something, she managed in a voice that did not sound like her own to ask,
“Why – are you – here?”
“I have found you!” he said. “Even though I was told that this was where you lived, I was desperately afraid I would be disappointed.”
“B-but you – should not – find me!” Pandia gasped. “You should not – come here – unless – ?”
She paused and, when he did not speak, she went on, “I-I cannot believe that – Selene – ”
He walked towards her and what she had been about to say died in her throat. She was only vividly conscious of him to the point where everything else flew out of her mind.
She could only look at him, her eyes filling her whole face, while her heart was thumping so loudly in her breast that she thought he must hear the sound of it.
Then she was not certain whether she moved or whether he put his arms around her.
All she knew was that she was close against him and he was kissing her wildly, passionately, demandingly and the world stood still.
He kissed her until he carried her as he had before up to the peak of Olympus and they were no longer human but one with the Gods.
He kissed her until the fire on his lips was answered by a fire within herself which rose from her breast into her throat so that, when it touched his mouth, she felt the wonder of it explode around them.
Then there was a conflagration within themselves and a blinding light that covered them and also came from their hearts.
Only when Pandia thought that she could not feel such rapture and still be alive did Lord Silvester raise his head.
“How could you leave me?” he asked. “How could you have done anything so damnable as to deceive me in that ridiculous and absurd fashion?”
Before she could say anything he was kissing her again, kissing her until she could only surrender herself to his mastery and know that she was no longer a separate human being but his and they were indivisible.
It might have been an hour or a century later that Pandia found herself sitting on the worn sofa in front of the fire with Lord Silvester’s arms around her.
“You must – tell me how it is you are – here.”
Her voice was very weak and she was conscious only of the closeness of him and that his magnetism made her thrill again and again like shafts of sunshine piercing her body.
“You have driven me nearly mad!” Lord Silvester replied. “When I left Linbourne House thinking you were with your husband, I thought that everything I valued was lost to me.”
Because Pandia had felt the same, she made an inarticulate little murmur and pressed her cheek against his shoulder.
“How could you do anything so crazy, so absurd, as to impersonate your sister?” he asked. “I suppose the average person would find it impossible to tell you apart, but – ”
“I-I – how did you – know that was – what I did?” Pandia interrupted him.
His arms tightened around her before he said,
“You bewildered me, for I was quite certain when I kissed you that you had never been kissed before.”
As if he must have it confirmed by her, he asked sharply looking down at her,
“That is true?”
“Nobody – has kissed me – but you!”
He made a sound that was like a sigh of relief before he exclaimed,
“I knew it! I knew I would not be mistaken! At the same time, as I had no idea then that the Countess of Linbourne had a twin sister, it tortured me as no Christian martyr has ever been tortured when I left you alone with your supposed husband, even though I knew that something was very wrong.”
“How – did you know that?”
He gave a little laugh.
“You know as well as I do that we can read each other’s thoughts. When the Earl came into the room, though he apparently was unaware of it, I saw not only the expression in your eyes, but sensed your consternation.”
Then, as if he could not prevent himself from asking the question, Lord Silvester said,
“What happened that night?”
Pandia blushed and turned her face against his shoulder.
“N-nothing that you are – suspecting,” she murmured a little incoherently.
He held her so tightly that it was almost impossible to breathe. Then he sighed,
“I suppose every man suffers the agony of Gethsemane at some time in his life, but I never want to experience that again! And I swear that, if after we are married, you make me as jealous as I was on Thursday night I will murder you!”
“After we are – m-married?” Pandia faltered.
“We are being married after luncheon,” Lord Sil
vester replied. “I have a Special Licence and I saw your Church as I came into the village.”
“What – what are you – saying?”
At the same time she felt as if suddenly the study was filled with the songs of angels and enveloped with a golden light that could only have come from a celestial sun.
Then, as if she came back to reality, she said in a very different voice,
“Y-you know – I-I – cannot marry you!”
“Why not?”
“Because – Selene has told – everybody that I am – dead!”
“I guessed that might have happened,” Lord Silvester said, “but as far as I am concerned you are very much alive, my darling, and I have every intention of marrying you.”
“But – you must not – ” Pandia began.
She stopped and then said,
“First you must finish your story – how did you – find out about me? I-I – I must know.”
“As I had already arranged,” Lord Silvester began and she knew he spoke with an effort, “I spent Friday morning seeing my publisher and signing my books for reviewers.”
He paused before he continued,
“Then I remembered somewhat belatedly that I had promised to dine with the Foreign Secretary. I had been to see him immediately on my arrival in England when he invited me particularly to dine with him on Friday evening.”
Pandia stiffened.
“And Selene was there!”
“Exactly!” he agreed. “And as soon as I saw her I knew that she was not you!”
“How – could you know that? We look – exactly alike.”
“Not as far as I am concerned.”
Pandia looked at him and he added,
“The expression in your sister’s eyes would have told me she was not you, even if I had not been aware when we shook hands that something was missing.”
“My – vibrations!’
“Of course, I had felt them when you were beside me in the Church.”
“So – did I.”
“When I touched your sister’s hand and looked into her eyes I knew unmistakably that she must have a twin sister!”
“It was clever of you – but – you did not – say so to her?”
“No, of course not,” he answered. “I merely made a few remarks on some of the subjects that you and I had discussed at The Castle, and when it was obvious she had not the slightest idea of what I was talking about, I was convinced that I knew the secret you had been hiding from me.”
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