Mamm patted his hand. He unclenched his fists and took a deep breath.
“When will the baby come?” Mamm asked.
“December,” Susie said in a barely audible whisper.
“We planned for her to go to Canada to have the baby and leave it with a family there.”
Pain flashed in Mamm’s eyes. “And never tell us?”
“Jah,” Miriam said, “but we changed our minds. If Susie were my daughter, I would want to know.”
Dat slapped his knee and stood up. “She is my daughter, and I want to know who the father is.”
Mamm and Miriam scooted closer to Susie to shield her from Dat’s anger, the anger that had never surfaced before Yost’s arrest.
“John,” Mamm scolded, “hold your temper. We must think what is best for Susie.”
“I know what is best for my daughter. There is no argument.”
Mamm’s voice rose to match Dat’s. “I will argue with you if you are wrong.”
“Please,” Susie said. “Please, stop.”
Dat took a step forward and pointed to the ground in front of him as if he had written his words in the dirt and wanted to make sure Susie saw them. “You ask me to stop? Susie, you are in no position to ask anything of your fater. How could you have done this?”
Squaring her shoulders, she stood and motioned for Dat to sit in her place. “Pappa, I will not marry the father. Can you trust me and accept what I say?”
Dat declined Susie’s invitation to sit. “I will not trust a child who has sinned in the vilest way.”
Miriam had thought that Susie might wither under Dat’s serious eye. Instead, in a strong, determined voice that Miriam had never heard before, she said, “I know I have sinned. You cannot imagine how I have suffered for that sin. You don’t listen anymore, Dat. You don’t listen to Yost, and you don’t listen to me.”
Dat spun on his heels and strode a few steps away. He stood with his back to them, his hands on his hips. They stared at him while he slowly dropped his hands to his side and bowed his head. Was he praying?
The uncomfortable silence persisted until Dat raised his head, turned to face them, and softened his expression. He sat next to Mamm and slid his arm around her shoulders. “I am sorry. I will try to listen. I hope you understand my anger. This is a great shock.”
“Miriam and I thought it would be best to keep my baby a secret from you. I feared you would stop loving me the way you have stopped loving Yost.”
Dat looked as if he had been struck by lightning. His mouth fell open, and he furrowed his brow. “I never for a minute stopped loving Yost.” He shook his head slightly. “But no one would ever know it, would they?” He reached out and took Susie’s hand. “You have done something very serious, Susie, and you carry a great burden because of it. A great burden with grave consequences. But you must never for one minute believe that I don’t love you or that you are a lesser person because of this. We are all sinners and come short of the glory of God, but we are never short of His love.”
Susie studied Dat’s face, trying to determine whether he meant what he said. What she saw in his eyes must have convinced her. She wept in relief. “I know it would be better if I left Apple Lake, but I dread being away. I think my heart would break.”
Dat stood and pulled Susie into his arms and held her while she cried. After a few minutes he reached into his pocket and produced a handkerchief to replace Susie’s soaked one.
“If you stay here, there is no hiding the truth and you will live with it forever,” he said softly. “Most will look past what happened and show you love, but others will say unkind things about you and probably avoid you. You will feel the sting of their rejection.”
Susie dabbed at her face with the handkerchief. “I have thought about this for so long. My head spins with unpleasant choices. This is my sin, and I take responsibility for the consequences. I think I could stand the shame from the community, but my decision affects the entire family, as we have seen with Yost. The Neuenschwanders wouldn’t even sit by him at gmay.”
Miriam caught her breath, surprised that Susie had even noticed, when she seemed completely wrapped up in her own problems.
Dat massaged his forehead. “Since I have not treated my own son with compassion, how can I expect anyone else to? But, Susie, we would never wish you to go away, no matter the consequences.”
“I can endure anything if I am with my family,” Susie said, “but I will do anything to make Miriam happy, and Miriam would rather see me go.”
Miriam’s heart flipped over in her chest. Hiding her own embarrassment had been more important than Susie’s feelings, and Susie had sensed it. Miriam felt about six inches tall.
“I want you to do what is best for you,” Miriam said.
Susie sat next to Miriam on the swing. “You are so good. I am not worthy to be called your sister. If I go to Canada, you won’t have a daily reminder of my sin.”
Miriam threw her arms around Susie and clutched her tightly, not to comfort her sister but to draw comfort from her. How could she have been so blind to her own behavior? She had treated Susie with disdain, even if it was only with her negative thoughts.
Ach, how grateful she felt that Seth had chastised her so many weeks ago at the auction. He’d forced her to examine her own heart and find weakness there.
“I have been selfish,” Miriam said, thinking of Seth’s unconditional concern for someone else’s sister. “If you would rather stay, I want you to stay. You are my sister. I will never be ashamed of you.”
Susie pulled away and smiled the exultant smile that Miriam hadn’t seen for weeks. “I want to stay with my family. I won’t be a burden to anyone. I will do all the cooking and the cleaning. You won’t regret my decision.”
“Don’t be silly,” Mamm said. “You have a buplie coming. We will take care of you.”
Dat patted her arm. “No matter the choice, it is a hard row to hoe, Susie. Do you understand?”
“Jah. I still must decide if I will raise the baby or give it away.”
Wrinkles lined Mamm’s forehead. “Give away my grandchild? I cannot bear the thought.” She studied Susie’s face and sat back. “I apologize. This is your decision. We will support you no matter what.”
Miriam relaxed her shoulders as the weight of the world fell from them. They still faced another week of house arrest for Yost and a fatherless baby for Susie, but Miriam felt like kicking off her shoes and running through the grass. Love for her family enveloped her as she rejoiced in her lightened burden. She had finally done the right thing, letting go of control and trusting in God and her parents.
Thank you, Seth Lambright, for nudging me in the right direction.
She hugged Susie and practically danced to the house, amazed at how differently she’d felt only an hour ago. But her steps slowed as she walked up the back steps. The community would soon know everything.
So would Ephraim.
Her heart lurched.
Difficult times lay ahead.
Chapter 14
Miriam rapped firmly on the Neuenschwanders’ front door. Her heart beat wildly at the prospect of being alone with Ephraim but also in dread of how he might react. She scolded herself. Ephraim would be her husband soon. She had nothing to fear from the man who loved her.
It was a bold step, to be sure, but since there had been no sign of Ephraim for over two weeks, Miriam knew she must go to him. Gossip about the baby would grow with Susie’s abdomen, and Miriam wanted Ephraim to hear the news from her first. Besides, Seth had said that Ephraim might be waiting for her to come to him. He probably felt the horror of what was happening to her family as keenly as she did.
Light from a propane lantern flooded the porch as Ephraim’s brother Freeman opened the door. “Oh Miriam, it is you,” he said.
“I have come to see Ephraim.”
“In the barn.” Freeman pointed and promptly shut the door.
Miriam stepped back instinctively as her heart s
lowly sank to her toes. Was Freeman being rude, or had she only imagined it? Ephraim had three older brothers and three younger brothers. None of them seemed to be gifted with exemplary manners.
She trudged across the lane, holding up her dress and picking her way around the mud puddles to the old barn built by Ephraim’s grandfather in the forties. The door creaked softly and quickly swung shut as she scooted inside. A single lantern hanging from a rafter lit the space, casting a thousand shadows in every direction.
Ephraim sat on a bench beneath the lantern, sharpening an ax. He didn’t look up as he carefully glided the ax along the whetstone.
“Ephraim.”
Someone blew out the sunshine in his eyes when he looked up at her. He frowned and then just as suddenly managed a half smile. “Hullo. Haven’t seen you for a while.”
She ventured a step closer as he laid his ax on the bench and stood up.
“I have been seeing to matters at home, as you suggested.”
“I am glad. At services Yost seemed solemn, as if he is sorry for what he has done. Are you making sure he remembers his guilt and how he has hurt your family?”
“I hope I am treating him as the good Lord would want me to.”
“How is his behavior? Do you think he will mend his ways?”
“Lord willing. The detention center was a horrible place for him. I doubt he will do anything to get himself sent back there.”
“I pray every day that he will learn his lesson and repent. It would be a shame if Yost’s wickedness kept us apart.”
Miriam took another step forward and wrung her hands to keep them from shaking. “I have bad news, and I wanted you to hear it first before anyone else is told.”
A dark cloud hovered over Ephraim’s expression. “Go ahead.”
“We have discovered…that…Susie is going to have a baby.”
Ephraim held his breath for what seemed like five minutes and began pacing in front of the bench. “Oh Miri, this is very bad.”
Miriam willed herself to stay calm even as every muscle in her body tightened up. She reminded herself that her first reaction had been similar. “We were planning for her to go to Canada in two days and deliver the baby there then place it up for adoption. To keep it a secret.”
Ephraim charged at her and grasped her upper arms. “Yes, yes, that is gute. No one has to know about this. That is a very smart plan.”
“But she has changed her mind. She doesn’t want to go, and Mamm and Dat thought it best that she stay here and be with our family.”
He scowled. “Well, Miriam, it is her sin, and it is too bad for her if she doesn’t like the consequences. Your family must not justify her bad behavior by giving in to her wishes. She has to go. Surely you can see how your whole family will suffer if the secret gets out. You must talk her out of staying.”
Miriam felt her panic rise with her pulse. How could she make him see? “I will not ask her to leave her family and place her baby in the hands of strangers if she cannot bear to do it. I would not be that cruel.”
Ephraim let go of Miriam and paced more frantically. “Cruel? Is that what you call it? The wages of sin is death. Whether you like it or not, consequences cannot be avoided. Do you know how she will be treated once people learn she is with child? Can you understand what this will do to your family’s good name, which is already tarnished? If your parents let her stay in their home, it will be seen as unspoken approval of her sin. If you thought the community’s reaction to Yost was harsh, wait until this comes out.”
Miriam shook her head. The only harsh reaction she remembered toward Yost was Ephraim’s. She wrapped her arms around her waist. Her mouth went dry, and she couldn’t speak.
He pinched the bridge of his nose. “When Yost got arrested, I decided to give things a little time. If he straightens up, most people will forgive him and not think less of your family for his mistakes.” His voice rose in volume. “But Miriam, people don’t forget a baby. It will grow up in the community and be a constant reminder of Susie’s sin and your family’s dishonor. How can anyone overcome that reputation?” He practically tore his hat off the bench and flung it to the ground.
Miriam jumped back, and they both stared at the hat. He slowly bent over, picked it up, and brushed away a few errant strands of straw. He wouldn’t look at her. “What has she told you about the father?”
“She refuses to name him.”
He laid his hat back on the bench. All his fury seemed spent. “At least she will not pull someone else down with her.”
Miriam slumped her shoulders and sighed. “I hope once he finds out about the baby, he will come forward and do his duty. Lord willing.”
Ephraim studied her face. “Miriam, if you love me, please reconsider. You must convince Susie to go away.”
The panic rose inside her like boiling water. “I do love you. With all my heart. How could you ever question that? But sending her away would do more harm to Susie than good. She needs to be with us.”
He turned away from her and picked up the whetstone. “Why are you coddling her? I thought you had more sense than to give in to Susie simply because she is unhappy. She must learn that you will not stand for such wickedness.”
Miriam didn’t understand her own feelings. She and Ephraim used to be of one mind. She never disagreed with him about anything. But this time, Miriam hoped she had judged the situation more wisely. Plain and simple, Ephraim was wrong. Sending Susie away would not be better for anybody.
Except Ephraim.
That realization clung like a cocklebur to her heart and she felt slightly dizzy. For the first time in her life, she recognized a weakness in Ephraim.
No man was immune to frailty. When they married, she would see many more of his weaknesses, and he would surely find hers. That was all a part of growing in love, learning to cherish one another in spite of the annoyances and disagreements. The quest to lift one another was the task and blessing of marriage.
Miriam didn’t think any less of Ephraim. A few short weeks ago, she would have agreed with him. But Seth had given her a wonderful gift—difficult to accept at first but precious all the same.
She motioned to the bench. “Can we sit?”
He shook his head.
She pretended his resistance didn’t sting like an angry wasp and forged ahead. “I know what a gute heart you have, Ephraim, and if you knew Susie as I do, you would understand. What people think is not as important as what is best for Susie.”
“Going away would be best for Susie. In a few short months, she could erase a mistake that otherwise will follow her the rest of her life.”
“If Susie is willing to bear the shame, then I cannot urge her to do otherwise.”
“But did she ask if you were willing to bear it? And what about me? Does she even care how I would feel about having a fornicator for a sister-in-law?”
Miriam couldn’t keep her voice from shaking with emotion. “You will have a sister-in-law who was a fornicator even if we send her away.”
“But everyone will know it. And they will look down on me.” He blinked rapidly and shook his head. “On us.”
“I don’t believe that, Ephraim. Our people are forgiving.”
“This will follow us forever. It will stain our good names and everything we do.”
Seth’s words came to Miriam like a gift from heaven. “Job’s friends told him to repent. They said that if he was a righteous man he would not have trials. But they were wrong. Our trials are not a curse from God for the bad things we have done. Bad things happen to everyone, and the Lord doesn’t love us less because of them. And no one in the community will love us less because of Susie’s transgression.”
“You are wrong. The Bible says the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous. ‘He delivered me, because he delighted in me.’ Righteous choices bring God’s blessings.”
“So anything bad that happens to us is because of sin?”
“Just look at Susie.” Ephraim hung his head.
“There is no use discussing this. I know what I know. I thought you, of all people, would recognize the truth. But if the truth doesn’t change your mind, change your mind for me. For your love for me.”
Miriam doubted herself for the first time since she’d stepped into the barn. She loved Ephraim so dearly and had always trusted his judgment over her own. He knew the Bible better than she, and his father was a minister like hers. Miriam possessed trivial abilities with the needle and the frying pan. What did she know about sin or repentance or life?
“I…I want to do what is right.”
He saw the look in her eyes. “Of course you do.” With a smile full of pity, he came to her and gently laid a hand on her shoulder. “Carefully consider what must be done—not to make Susie happy, but to make things right. I know you will do what is best for you and me and Susie in the long run. In years to come, she will thank you.”
Miriam looked at her hands. “I will do my best.”
Ephraim nodded in satisfaction. “Go. Go talk to her. There is still time to prepare for the bus on Wednesday if you go now.”
“Okay,” she whispered, not trusting her voice with anything louder.
He gave her one last pat on the shoulder and turned to his bench, where he picked up the ax and resumed his sharpening. Miriam kept her eyes glued to him as she backed out of the barn.
She wanted to make him happy, didn’t she? In truth, he did not have the strength she did to withstand the scandal of Susie’s pregnancy. Was his claim for sympathy any less valid than Susie’s?
Miriam couldn’t feel any lower than if she had sunk to the ground and crawled out of the barn. She slowly climbed into the buggy and pointed the horse home, but she’d never felt so much reluctance to actually get there.
She would talk to Susie again. Susie had promised to go if Miriam wanted her to. It would be the work of a minute to convince her. She must consider Ephraim’s feelings in all this as well.
Yet the more distance she put between herself and Ephraim’s house, the more agitated she became.
She thought of the Lord’s treatment of the adulterous woman.
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