And no chance of slowing down now even if he wanted to.
They hurtled forward toward release, leaving off kissing as they gasped for air, their foreheads resting together in a way Etan found almost too intimate despite what they were doing, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to pull away either. And then pleasure was rising up, burning its way through him, and he cried out his release, dimly hearing Tristan do the same.
They leaned against each other, panting for breath. Etan tried to calm his racing heart as reality intruded on him, dulling the pleasure that had just exploded through him. Tristan didn’t seem to have that problem. His eyes were sparkling when he kissed Etan, and then he laughed, a delighted, musical sound that echoed in the empty corridor. Something inside Etan clenched up and ached hearing it.
Oh, yes, this had been a mistake.
Chapter 6
“ARE YOU all right?”
“Hmm?” Etan snapped back into focus on the present, and out of remonstrations about his behavior of that morning. He looked at Philip, whose eyes became more concerned by the second. “I’m fine. Of course I’m fine.”
Philip’s expression was mild, but Etan easily saw the skepticism there. If Etan hadn’t known it was born out of concern, he might have been quite annoyed by it. Philip was genuinely worried, though, and that kept Etan from snapping at him that it was none of his affair. He only sighed and slouched further into his chair.
They were in the nursery, stealing some time before dinner. Philip, looking more fatherly than princely, was on the floor with his son. The eighteen-month-old prince was building towers from brightly painted wooden blocks. Despite Etan’s best efforts, Julien much preferred building them to knocking them over, so Etan had retreated to a chair to watch father and son create massive edifices on the carpet.
Before he’d drifted off into recriminations, he’d been thinking again about how good a father Philip was. He could imagine Philip and Amory talking about another child before too much longer. Not because of traditions of having the requisite spare heir, but because they both enjoyed fatherhood and their son too much not to want another child. Amory’s magical Talent allowed him to carry a child with the help of a complicated spell, but Amory’s Talent was extremely rare, so rare that the spell had been all but forgotten over the years. Philip and Amory had gotten lucky in their ability to have a child together.
Philip was looking at Etan, not at a giggling Julien. “Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”
“It’s really nothing.”
Philip obviously didn’t believe him. He ruffled Julien’s hair and gave him a kiss before getting to his feet and taking the chair next to Etan’s. “It doesn’t seem like nothing, not with the way you’re looking now and the way you’ve been acting all day.”
He sat up straight. “How have I been acting?”
Philip put a hand on Etan’s arm. “Calm down. You just seemed upset, a little sad. Amory saw it too, and we’re worried.”
He sighed again. If he didn’t tell Philip now, Amory would just ask later. They were relentless, but only because they loved him. “Something happened this morning. Tristan was here.”
“Amory mentioned he saw him this morning. He said Tristan was looking for you. He thought Tristan might have upset you.”
Of course Amory and Philip knew of the feelings Etan had had for Tristan and the dejection he’d felt when Tristan married, despite all of Etan’s efforts to keep it from them at the time. “Something happened with Tristan. But I suppose I upset me.”
“What happened?”
Etan glanced at Julien who was still happily stacking his blocks and ignoring his father and honorary uncle. But Etan had no illusions that the child didn’t hear them and he had no desire for some of what had happened that morning to make its way into the toddler babble that came out of Julien’s mouth so often.
“Ah, little ears.” Philip nodded. “Let’s go in the other room.”
“No. This isn’t important enough to take you away from time with Julien.”
“It’s about time for his bath anyway.” Philip stood, calling for Julien’s nursemaid, and scooped his son off the ground, tickling the child and whispering in his ear until Julien was giggling uncontrollably. With one more kiss on the baby’s chubby cheek, he handed Julien over to his nursemaid and then gestured to Etan. “Come. Let’s have a drink before dinner.”
Etan heaved himself out of the chair and followed Philip from the nursery. They settled in the sitting room, Etan claiming his usual chair. Philip handed him a glass of plaire and sank down onto one corner of the couch. “Tell me.”
So Etan did. He told Philip about his ridiculous reaction last night and then what happened that morning. He glossed over the details of the actual tussle in the corridor, giving Philip enough to understand the general situation and no more, but otherwise, he told Philip everything. And felt some small amount better for unburdening himself.
“Are you going to do it again?” Philip asked.
“He’d like to. He made that perfectly clear before he left.” Tristan had made it perfectly clear he’d have liked to continue on to Etan’s bedchamber and do something more right then. “But it was a mistake.”
“If you enjoyed it, if it made you happy, it wasn’t a mistake.”
“I enjoyed it in the moment, while it was happening, but then I felt like this, like you said, all day.”
“I know you cared for him.”
“I loved him, and I thought he was coming to feel the same for me too. And when he married someone else, it hurt me more than I can say.” And that was all he would say about it. Bad enough Cathal had seen him when his grief was so fresh; his brother had coddled him for months. He wouldn’t relive that regrettable time with Philip.
“If this is another chance for you and Tristan—”
Etan shook his head. “It isn’t. He doesn’t want that. He wants to tumble in and out of bed, or against a wall, whenever he feels like it, just as he does with others, and have no entanglements. I’m not like that. I need more than just the physical with someone to have that type of relationship with him.”
“I know that isn’t you.” Philip smiled. “You’re not even like Cathal with his easy affairs.”
Etan huffed out a laugh. Before he’d met Flavian, Cathal had carried on a series of affairs with attractive women, each one beautiful and temporary. “No, that isn’t me either.”
“You’re much more like me in that regard.”
He nodded. True. “And even if Tristan did want something more, I… can’t.”
He and Tristan had been moving toward something more than friendship once, and Tristan had hurt him by throwing that away. Etan couldn’t open himself up to that hurt again, not when he’d spent so long trying to get over it.
“I understand. I don’t want you hurt, Etan.”
“I know. So this morning needs to be the end of it with Tristan.”
“The end of everything?”
He knew Philip meant their friendship as well, and he felt a pang for the loss of that, but Etan had been distancing himself from Tristan for a while now, to protect himself. Since Tristan’s wife died, he had allowed himself to drift closer again, not out of hope that there would be more than friendship between them again, but because the dregs of his feelings made him want to help Tristan. And still he hadn’t let himself get too close. Until today.
This morning had been too close.
“Maybe. Maybe it’s time. Maybe it would be best for me.” He sipped his drink, letting the slightly spicy taste and the warmth of the plaire spread through him. “It’s difficult to avoid Tristan, though.”
Philip watched him with serious eyes. “You know I’ll support you whatever you decide to do. Tristan is friends with Amory, so yes, it’s complicated, but you’re my cousin.”
Etan laughed. “You can’t exactly ban him from the palace.”
“Well, I can.”
“But you won’t, because he’s Amory’s f
riend, and it would upset Amory.” Etan smiled to make sure Philip knew Etan wasn’t bitter about that. “Though I’m sure you’ve been looking for a reason to keep him away since you heard his name the first time. You knew he loved Amory.”
Philip chuckled. “At first, yes, I would’ve been happy to keep him away. But Amory loves me. And I don’t think Tristan loves Amory anymore.”
“Did I hear my name?” Amory asked as he walked into the room.
“Just talking about how much you love me.” Philip gave Amory a cheeky grin, utterly out of place on the face of a prince but perfectly normal for a moment between Philip and Amory.
Amory laughed, but he went to Philip and bent to brush a quick kiss over his lips. “Yes, I do, don’t I?”
Etan smiled as he watched them together. They loved each other so much. He had seen the first moment he met Amory that Amory would be good for Philip, and Amory had. Had become vital to Philip, if Etan was any judge, and Philip was just as vital to Amory. He was so happy for them, and just a little bit jealous because he wanted that same type of relationship for himself. For a while, he’d thought it would be with Tristan. But he’d been wrong.
He agreed with Philip—Tristan didn’t love Amory anymore—but he didn’t love Etan either. Tristan found him attractive, obviously, and wanted him in bed, but he didn’t love him, didn’t even consider love as a possibility. Etan was just another man Tristan was friendly with that he wanted a more congenial relationship with. But that wasn’t enough for Etan, because he did want what Philip and Amory had. Being with Tristan, even looking at Tristan, the man he thought he might have had it with, was just too hard.
No, what happened had been a mistake, one he couldn’t afford to repeat for the sake of his own sanity.
ETAN TRIED his best to stay away from Tristan in the days that followed, giving himself time and some distance. To find calm again, to decide what he wanted to do, to determine whether they could still be friends. Tristan sent him notes several times, some flirtatious and laden with innuendo, some simply friendly. Etan ignored the flirtation but responded to the rest. He declined Tristan’s invitations, but he couldn’t keep himself from responding entirely. He’d seen how overwhelmed Tristan was after his father and then his wife died—had listened to Amory and Adeline’s concerns about Tristan—and he couldn’t bring himself to cut Tristan off entirely, not when he seemed to need friends so much without ever saying he did. Not yet.
But he only saw Tristan once, and even then he hadn’t planned on it. Amory was visiting Tristan and taking Julien with him, and Julien hadn’t wanted to go without Etan. Amory assured Etan he didn’t have to. Amory had to know by now what happened between Etan and Tristan, as Amory and Philip told each other everything. Etan didn’t resent it, their sharing of something so personal to him, because he knew how Philip and Amory were together. If Etan had asked, Philip wouldn’t have said anything, but he wouldn’t have asked. He rather wished he had someone to share so much with.
He didn’t make light of Amory’s concern for him, but he didn’t refuse to go either. Seeing Tristan again would be inevitable whether he resumed their friendship or not, since he certainly wouldn’t ask Philip to ban Tristan from the palace, and it might be better to see him this time with a giggling baby prince as a buffer.
They rode through the city to Tristan’s house, Julien sitting in front of Amory on his horse. Once Julien had been assured Etan was going with them, he’d been happy to return to his father. Julien was good around horses, and Etan had no doubt that someday he would be a skilled rider. For now, he sat obediently in front of his father, looking around in interest as they rode through the streets. There were guards on horseback surrounding them, but people on the streets could still see them. And Julien could see the people. He smiled at them, the sweet little smile Philip said he got from Amory, and waved every so often, as if he wanted them to know he saw them too. Everyone who saw him wave was delighted—not unusual, as he’d been delighting crowds since the first time Amory and Philip had taken him out.
When they arrived at Tristan’s house, Etan dismounted, and Amory handed Julien down to him before dismounting himself. This time, Etan kept hold of Julien, propping him on his hip with the comfort of long familiarity. Amory didn’t even try to take him back, the knowing look in his eye telling Etan he knew what Etan was doing. Etan just shook his head and followed Amory to the door. Julien gave one last wave of his little hand as they went in, making Etan laugh.
A maid settled them in the parlor and had only been gone a moment when Tristan came in. Etan had already started to walk Julien around the room letting him look at the different paintings on the walls and point to things that interested him and babble on in something that was half baby talk and half real words. Etan responded to Tristan’s greeting but didn’t move any closer, just kept walking Julien around the perimeter of the room, looking for things to amuse him. Julien was a good baby, but it was best to give him something to do nonetheless.
Tristan seemed disappointed that Etan didn’t come closer, but he didn’t know what Tristan expected. Etan certainly wasn’t going to fling himself at Tristan in Amory and Julien’s presence. Well, Etan wasn’t going to fling himself at Tristan at all.
Amory sat with Tristan and drew him into conversation. As he amused Julien, Etan listened to Amory ask Tristan about Bria and his family, about how business was going. And he felt Tristan’s gaze on him as he made his way around the room.
“The family is much the same,” Tristan said. “Mother continues to try to find me a wife, and I continue to tell her to stop.”
“You might have to tell her why she needs to stop,” Amory suggested gently. Etan glanced over, but Amory was focused on Tristan, and Tristan was looking at Amory.
“I don’t know that telling her would help much. She’s very rigid in her thinking that a man of my station needs a wife, and that Bria needs a mother.”
“I’m sorry.”
Etan didn’t turn around, but he could imagine Tristan’s unconcerned shrug, the one designed to make it look like Tristan didn’t care. “In any case. My brothers are all fine. Maxen and Renaud are getting more involved in the business. Renaud is a bit young still….”
“You were young when your father started teaching you. He can learn it while he goes to school, the way you did.”
“Yes, so they both tell me. Renaud has only really just started, but he’s learning quickly.”
“As you did,” Amory said, a thread of amusement in his voice.
“Yes, yes. Hush, you.”
Amory laughed. “How is Bria?”
Etan took another circuit of the room as Tristan gushed about his infant daughter. He smiled despite himself to hear the pride and happiness in Tristan’s voice. For all Tristan’s worries, he adored that girl.
“Has your mother asked to take her again?” Amory asked after a while. Etan paid more attention. He’d been appalled to hear that Tristan’s mother wanted to take the baby.
“No, not for a while. She just visits nearly every day. I think she’s concentrating on marrying me off right now.”
“Well, I suppose that’s good. Sort of.”
Now Tristan laughed, a real one. The one that always sounded like a cascade of delighted musical notes to Etan’s ear. “I suppose, though I’d like her to stop both.”
“That would be ideal,” Amory said.
Before they could say anything further, a nursemaid appeared in the doorway to the parlor, Bria in her arms. Her eyes widened when she saw Amory, and she dropped into an awkward curtsy. “I’m sorry to intrude, sir, but you wanted to see Bria when she woke.”
“Yes, thank you, Sanna.” Tristan stood and went to the nursemaid. “I’ll take her.”
With Bria in his arms, Tristan sat next to Amory again as the nursemaid left the room. Amory leaned over to look at Bria. “She’s bigger every time I see her.”
Etan looked at Julien who was watching with wide brown eyes. “Do you want to see
the baby?” he whispered in Julien’s ear and received a little nod in return.
He carried Julien over to the couch, placing him on the floor between Tristan and Amory and crouching behind him. Julien went up on his toes, leaning on the couch to push himself up higher. Etan rested a hand on his back to steady him. He would lift Julien again, but even at this young age, Julien liked to do things on his own. Tristan tilted Bria so Julien could see her and then looked up at Etan as interest and wonder spread over the little prince’s face.
Julien’s interest in the baby was sweet, but it was Tristan’s expression that was more arresting. The soft smile, full of pleasure at Julien’s reaction, the eyes glowing with adoration for his daughter. Etan felt something melt just a little inside himself. He was in trouble.
CONFUSION REMAINED Tristan’s constant companion when it came to Etan. He’d thought it might begin to clear after their interlude in one of the palace’s secret passages—and he still needed to ask Amory or Etan about those because he was curious to see more of them, and not only because of the pleasant memory—but it hadn’t, not really.
Tristan sent notes up to the palace, both in the way he used to and in a new way, hoping to inspire a repeat performance, perhaps one in a bed this time. Etan always responded to his notes and was friendly, polite, even when he declined Tristan’s invitations. Which he did with every single one. Etan never used to do that, not unless he was extremely busy at the palace, and he always explained why as much as he could. Etan gave no explanations anymore, just those polite refusals.
Tristan had only seen Etan once over the last few weeks, and even then they weren’t alone. Amory and Julien’s presence kept him from asking Etan if something was wrong. Something had to be wrong, had been wrong for a year now at least because that’s when the distance between them started. But at the moment, Tristan was wondering if something went wrong more recently, especially when Etan kept his distance at the house, leaving Tristan and Amory to talk while he amused Julien.
The Scholar's Heart (Chronicles of Tournai Book 3) Page 10