by Tara Brown
Brady follows. “Nat, come on!” He slams the door, chasing me down. When I get into the kitchen, Maxine seems uncomfortable and hurries out.
“Nat, baby. I didn't mean it. I’ve been texting you. I tracked you down on the stupid phone because I need you to forgive me.” He comes closer so I back up.
“Don't come near me.” Tears flood my eyes. “I don't want to see you.”
“Why?” He has that same look in his eyes that he did when he asked me out, and I turned him down.
“I kinda hate you right now. Your friend is killing my friend. And when I try to defend her, you tell me that I’m not your family. I think of you as my family.” My voice cracks, “You’re everything to me.”
“Nat, I didn't mean it like that. I meant it like, I would call my brother because it’s his mom too. Not—”
“Brady, there’s no defense for saying I’m not your family. You clearly see me differently than I see you.” I back up to the cupboard but he keeps coming closer.
“No. You don't. I see you that way. I shouldn't have said it. It was dumb and it’s not how I think. I was panicking, my friend’s life was falling apart in front of me—”
“Don't even start on me about lives falling apart.” I glare.
“Nat, it’s not how I think,” he pleads but I’m not buying it.
“Yeah, not now that there’s no one to suck your dick.” I mock him.
“Come on, Nat, you never suck it.” He tries to joke.
“Really?” I scowl up at him. “That's where you want to go with this?”
“No.” He swallows hard. “I wanna take that back too. It was supposed to be funny and it clearly wasn't.”
“Stop talking, Brady.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“You’re an asshole. You hurt my feelings. I don't want to see you. I want you to go away and when I am ready to see you, I’ll let you know. But for right now, I have to take care of my pregnan—uh anyway. I have things to take care of. So leave.”
“You’re pregnant?” He winces. “You’re pregnant?” He’s in shock. I contemplate telling him I am, just to mess with him, but I’m scared his reaction will make me break up with him.
“I want you to leave, now.”
“Can you answer the question?” His tone creeps back up to testy.
“No.”
“No, you’re not, or no you won’t answer?” He looks sick.
“No, I’m not pregnant. Now leave.”
He doesn't move. He frowns, tilts his head, and then glances back. “No fucking way.”
“LEAVE!” I scream.
“No!” he shouts back. “Is she seriously pregnant?”
“That’s none of your business.” I shoulder past him, going around the huge island.
“Nat, I’m being very serious right now. Is she pregnant?” He sounds weird, scared.
“No.” I lie because I must. “Now leave. I don't want to see you, not for a while. I need to cool off before we can talk.”
“I love you. And you are my family. You’re my heart.”
“I don't want to hear this.” I shake my head and point at the foyer.
“Fine. But I’ll be waiting at our house for you.” He says it like he’s winning because I have to go home and see him.
“You haven’t even been to the house, have you?” I almost laugh at him.
“No, why?”
“You go to the house, Brady. And you see if you think I’ll be there.” All my clothes and toiletries are at Sami’s. I assumed his panic was over that.
“Did you move out?” His brow knits.
“Yes.” I fold my arms over my chest.
“Is this fight because Matt doesn't want to be with Sami, or because I said you weren’t my family?” His tone changes to pissed off.
“Both. Your friend, someone you’re so close to that you would dare defend him to me, disrespects my sister and breaks her heart and she has no idea why, and you don't get why I’m pissed? She has no clue why he won’t even just call to break things off with her. He’s a fucking coward if he’s honestly breaking things off like this. And you don't understand why I’m disgusted with you for this?”
“It’s their business, not ours.”
“She’s my business.” My eyes burn and my throat hurts from the raging tears I want to sob, but I hold them back.
“His dad and his brother just died. His mom is a mess. And then he finds out he’s responsible for companies with employees and houses and funerals. And we’re in the playoffs. And everyone is coming to him for money and advice and everything is pulling him in opposite directions. Something had to give.”
“So he cut the least important thing in his life and you understand that?” My heart is breaking.
“Yeah, I get it. The guy’s stressed. He’s a mess. He doesn't want to drag her into this.”
“Then he needs to man up and cut her free.” I’m shaking with anger.
“I agree, Nat. I told him that. But he doesn't want to. He loves her, he’s confused.”
“Okay, great. I’m glad we had this talk. It was enlightening.”
“You don’t look glad.”
“I’m done, Brady. I’ll come around and grab the last of my stuff sometime soon.”
“Nat!” His eyes widen and he rushes me. “Don't do this. This isn’t our business. We can’t break up because they’re breaking up. I don't care what they do. I just want you.”
“Until you get busy and you have to cut some dead weight, and I’m the first thing to go?”
“No, I’m not like that. I mean, I get that he’s confused.” He shakes his head. “You’re twisting my words. Stop! I love you. I want you. I miss you. I don't care about anything else. I don’t want this to end, ever.” His eyes are so intense. He rushes me, wrapping around me, forcing a hug. His fingers dig in, gripping me. “I love you, Nat. I fucked up, again. I say the wrong thing. It happens. Please don't lump us into their shit.” He really is desperate. It’s all over his face. I’ve never seen him this panicked.
“You have to choose. Him or me.” It’s cruel but I can’t support him doing this to Sami.
“Don't make me do this,” he whispers.
“You’ll pick him.” I lose the hold I have on my tears. My heart cracks a little in preparation for the break.
“No. I’ll lose my best friend.” He kisses the top of my head. “It’s always going to be you, Natalie.” My heart doesn't mend, but it swells, making the cracks hurt more.
“Fine. You can keep him as your friend, but he has forty-eight hours to deal with her. I won’t ever forgive him for this, ever, and I never want to see him again. I don't care if you see him, but I won’t be there and he isn’t welcome in our house. That's it. If he doesn't deal with her and release her from this hell of the unknown, it’s him or me.”
“That's fair,” he whispers, breathing me in. “Please don't leave me.” He lowers his face to kiss my cheek but I pull away. “Don't ever leave me.”
“I can’t do this right now. I’m at work, technically. You guys are lucky the film crew is at the beach. If they caught this, she’d be ruined.”
“I love you, Nat. With everything in me.” He kisses the top of my head again.
I don't say it back. I don't say anything. I have nothing nice to say. My swollen heart is bursting with pain and other things I don't want to feel.
Chapter 24
Dust
April 19, 2016
Sami
I’m out of breath and feeling funky so I sit on the bench at the beach, staring up at the house, instead of at the ocean. I can’t see my kid running down the beach yet. I can’t see him or her yet. I only see him. He haunts me everywhere, only he’s not there when I get closer.
It’s been nine days since we spoke last.
I’ve given up.
He appears in the yard, next to the pool. He resembles him for a moment and then he doesn’t. I blink and realize it’s Lori.
“You okay?” He
comes down the beach and sits next to me. I can see it in his eyes immediately. They drop to my stomach and then back up to meet my gaze.
“Carson told you?”
“Yeah.” He loses the façade. “I think he wanted me to check up on you anyway and knew I could come without it being weird. And I think I’m the only person who would have thought to come here. I tried the house and Nat’s. Carson called and called but Nadia answered your phone and said you weren’t home.”
“Yeah.” I don't know what to say. “I didn't want to be found. Carson was a dick to me last time we talked. I’m not in the mood to hear how unfair it is for poor fucking Ma—him—that I’m keeping the baby when his life has gone to shit.” My bitterness tastes as bad as it sounds.
“Carson’s super upset about how he acted. I won’t apologize for him. He wants to see you and do it in person.” He lowers his eyes again. “Anyway, did you go to the funerals?” he asks, changing the subject to something worse, probably unintentionally.
“No. I don’t even know when they were.” I glance down. “He’s mad at me or something. He’s not speaking to me at all. No texts or calls. He’s just cut me out. Nine days.”
“What are you going to do about it?” He sounds pissed on my behalf.
“I’m Sami-fucking-Ford.” I scowl. “I don't chase after men. If he wants me, he knows where I am.” I don't know who I’m trying to convince more, Lori or me.
“Well, since Carson and Rich are basically living together, I’ll take that deal you had with Carson.” He winks. “If you need to marry someone, I’m all yours, Sami-fucking-Ford. No one will ever know that baby isn’t mine.”
Tears well in my eyes but I refuse them and try to make a joke. “Thanks. But this guy once told me I needed to marry someone who wanted me, only me, not someone who would bang my maids.”
“I wouldn't ever.” He chuckles. “Haven’t you heard the old saying, ‘Don't shit where you eat’?”
“Sage wisdom in Canada, I’m sure.”
“Sage wisdom everywhere.” He wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me in. “What a brutal week you’ve had.”
“Very.” I laugh. “But I bought a house so it’s going to be great.”
“Congratulations. And just down the beach from Rich’s parents. Excellent location.”
“Yes, easy access for my assassins for when they go and kill Will.” I actually laugh with him.
He laughs harder. “Pregnancy is making you meaner. Although I will say, watching Will storm out the front door of that house and punch Brady in the cheek was fairly awesome. And then Brady dragging him to the grass to give him a beating, was epic. Fairfield’s a douche.”
“Did you go to the funerals?” I change the subject. I can’t do the anger I have at Will, not today. Not that the funerals are safer, but I can’t let go of my obsession with him.
“Yeah. I was with the team. I thought maybe you came and sat in the back, a mysterious lady in black maybe.” He nudges me.
“No.”
“When’s the first doctor’s appointment?” he changes the subject, maybe sensing my discomfort.
“A week. We have to figure out how far along I am and my due date and all that fun stuff.”
“Are you okay?”
I want to answer. I want so badly to say yes and be strong. But tears flood my eyes, and I can’t suck them back in. I can’t refuse them. They’re stronger than I am. I heave and burst all at once. I’m sobbing and lost and smothered in a warm embrace.
“It’s okay, Sami. You don't have to be brave in front of me. And if you need a baby daddy, I’m all yours.” He holds me tighter than I think I’ve ever been held before. The pain and anguish are so much bigger than I thought they were. They’re the consuming kind, where you lose pieces of yourself to them. Whole parts of you darken, as the light no longer touches there.
Lori lets me cry, holding me together.
We sit like this for a long time, I don't know how long. But I’m done crying and sit, enjoying the feel of him and pretending not to imagine it’s Matt.
When I glance up, there’s someone watching us. I realize it’s just him, he’s still haunting me. I keep seeing him everywhere.
His silhouette is burned into my mind, so for the half a second I think I’m hallucinating, I don't move.
But then he turns and walks away, back up to the house. He doesn't fade the way the hallucinations always do.
“Matt?” I struggle from the embrace and get up, running up the path to the vast yard. Matt’s at the corner of the house when I get to the pool. “Matt!” I scream. I’m angry and relieved in the same moment. He’s here. He’s finally here.
He turns, his expression is a thousand words and none of them are good.
“What are you doing here?” I cross the pool deck and back patio like a steam train building speed. I want to push him and hit him and hurt him and hug him. I want to cry and tell him I love him and I need him.
But once I see him, my heart breaks. His eyes tell me a story, a sad one.
He winces when he sees my face.
“Why are you here?” I don't pretend I’m not covered in tears and snot and whatever else.
“I came to tell you I’m sorry,” he mutters.
“You’re sorry? It’s been nine days, Matt. Nine days. Your family died and that’s a terrible tragedy. But not even one text?” I have to ask. I have to know why.
“I wrote dozens. I just didn't send them. I didn't know how.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I can’t date you anymore.” He scowls. “I came to tell you, face to face. I have to focus on my company now. I’m sorry.”
My heart cracks, a mosaic no more. The pieces fall to the ground in front of me, losing their colors and becoming dust. It’s the worst case, the one I didn't even let myself imagine would happen. I don't even have a response for it. I blink and stare for an instant before my hands come to life on their own. My left hand slips to my right, moving fluidly, calmly as it pulls the ring off. My fingers are a bit puffy, but I manage to drag it down and hold it out for him.
“I don't want it.” He shakes his head.
I drop it in front of him, let it fall in the pile of ash that used to be my mosaic heart.
“Sami,” he whispers. Once upon a time it might have been his warning tone, but now the beast is dead, smothered by whatever this thing in front of me is. “Keep the ring.”
“You keep it.” I take a step back from it. “It holds the happiest day of my entire life in it. I don't want that memory.”
His eyes gloss over but they’re still dead. He’s still a dead fish. A heartless, beastless fucker.
“Sami.”
“It was nice meeting you, Matt. Have a nice life.”
I turn back and walk down to the beach, leaving him there. Lori stands up, looking worried as I get close to him.
“What did Brimley want?” he asks.
“We’re done. He came to let me know.”
“Oh God, Sami. I’m so sorry.” Lori wraps himself around me, trying to hold me together again.
But I don't need a hug or to be held together. I’m empty and hollow and numb. And I don't know what will fix it. I’m scared nothing ever will.
When Lori’s leaving much later, and I’m about to be all alone with the silence, fear fills me. Real fear. The sound of the door closing behind him makes me flinch.
I exhale slowly, letting all the air out of my lungs so I can fully experience the emptiness of this ending.
Frozen in the window, staring at the beach, terrified to move in case I shatter into a million pieces, I can’t help but wonder how everything turned out this way.
All along there had been a real risk Matt wasn’t enough for my parents, but the thrill of it had added adventurous flavoring to our relationship. The possibility I'm the one who's not enough is now, ironically, my worst fear.
The emptiness overtaking me isn’t a new feeling. It’s an old friend coming
home. It’s inside, taking up every bit of space and turning me into nothing, making me hollow.
For the first time ever, my ability to pretend everything is fine annoys me. I don’t understand how to be as broken as I am so the anguish slips by, unfelt.
I blink tears down my cheeks and take my first breath after the exhale but the air doesn’t fill me. It doesn’t add any weight or make me whole again.
I won’t ever be whole again.
Chapter 25
Another deal
May 28, 2016
Natalie
Stumbling from bed, I rub my eyes and yawn, stretching and shuddering from the early wake-up. I stayed up way too late triple checking all the designs and all the sites, making sure everything will go live without a hitch.
“Morning, sunshine.” Sami smiles brightly at me from the kitchen, friendly and happy. It’s alarming.
“Morning,” I grumble and flop into a chair. A latte slides across the counter toward me, almost magically.
Nadia offers something that resembles a smirk. “Mr. Coldwell was sleeping in the guesthouse again.”
“I know.” I nod. I slept out there too but I don't want to tell her that. “It was that or let him sleep in the yard. I think he’s peed on all the trees now.”
She chuckles as she leaves the kitchen. “He’s gone now.”
“What’s up with her?” I sip my perfect vanilla latte. “She seems really happy.” No one in this house has been happy, not for real.
“I don't know, she’s been humming and acting weird all morning.” Sami leans forward. “Blow it on my face.”
“You’re a freak.” I take a sip and swallow, breathing on her.
“Even with your morning breath, it still smells like heaven.” She pulls back. “I miss coffee.” She still looks skinny as ever, except for the boobs. They have a mind of their own now. And a plan. They’re huge. World domination can be their only motive.
“Why can’t you have coffee again?” I sip and close my eyes, imagining the horror of a world with no coffee.
“No stimulants. No caffeine, no booze, no drugs, no nothing. The doctor said the rules are kinda strict for pregnant women. He said I should avoid everything on this list: raw fish and raw eggs and a bunch of other crap. And I have to eat peanut butter so the baby builds a natural immunity. It’s intense. I gave the list to Nadia and she makes sure everything is the way it should be.” She picks at her fruit salad.