Cugel

by Jack Vance

  “Boats do not ordinarily sail on the dry land,” murmured the aesthete Clissum.

  “Quite true,” said Varmous. “By Cugel’s magic, this vessel will fly safely and smoothly through the air.”

  Cugel spoke in a serious voice: “Because of a regrettable oversight, too many passengers have been booked aboard the Avventura, and four persons will be required to ride in our ‘premier’ carriage, at the head of the column where they can enjoy an intimate view of the nearby landscape. In this connection let me ask: who among you suffers either vertigo or an obsessive fear of heights?”

  Perruquil fairly danced to the spasmodic forces of his emotion. “I shall not change to inferior accommodations! I was first to pay over my terces and Varmous guaranteed me a top priority! If necessary, I can bring the constable, who witnessed the transaction; he will support my case.”

  Varmous coughed significantly and Cugel coughed as well.

  Ermaulde took Varmous aside and spoke a few urgent words in his ear, whereupon Varmous raised his hands to the sides of his head and pulled at his golden curls. He looked at Cugel and coughed sharply.

  Clissum said: “For me there is no choice, only stark necessity! I cannot tolerate the road-side dust; I would wheeze and gasp and go into asthmatic convulsions.”

  Perruquil seemed to find Clissum’s sonorous diction and epicurean mannerisms offensive. He snapped: “If indeed you are so asthenic, are you not rash to venture so far out along the caravan trails?”

  Clissum, rolling his eyes to the sky, spoke in his richest tones: “As I spend the seconds of my life on this dying world, I am never dismal nor sodden with woe! There is too much glory, too much wonder! I am a pilgrim on a life-long quest; I search here, there, everywhere, for that elusive quality —”

  Perruquil said impatiently: “How does this bear upon your asthma?”

  “The connection is both implicit and explicit. I vowed that, come what may, I would sing my odes at the Festival, even if contorted in the face from an asthmatic fit. When I found that I might journey in the clean upper air, my rapture knew no bounds!”

  “Bah,” muttered Perruquil. “Perhaps we all are asthmatic; Varmous has never troubled to ask.”

  During the discussion, Varmous whispered into Cugel’s ear. “Ermaulde reveals that she is pregnant with child! She fears that, if subjected to the jolts and jars of the carriage, an untoward event might occur. There is no help for it: she must ride in cushioned ease aboard the Avventura.”

  “I agree, in all respects,” said Cugel.

  Their attention was attracted by Ivanello’s merry laugh. “I have full faith in Varmous! Why? Because I paid double fare for the best possible accommodation which, so he assured me, I could choose myself. I therefore select the after cabin. Cugel can bed himself down with the other teamsters.”

  Cugel gave a distinct sniff, and spoke sharply: “In this case, Varmous referred only to the carriages. A lad like you will enjoy jumping on and off and gathering berries along the way. The Avventura has been reserved for persons of taste and breeding, such as Clissum and Ermaulde.”

  “What of me?” cried the ecclesiarch Gaulph Rabi. “I am studied in four infinities and I sit as a full member of the Collegium. I am accustomed to special treatment. In order to perform my meditations I need a quiet place, such as the cabin.”

  Nissifer, with a rustling and a sour smell, took two steps forward. She spoke in a curious husky whisper. “I will ride the ship. Whoever interferes will be tainted.”

  Ivanello threw his head back and looked at the woman through half-closed lids. “‘Tainted’? How do you mean ‘tainted’?”

  “Do you truly care to learn?” came the husky whisper.

  Cugel, suddenly alert, looked around the group. Where were Doctor Lalanke and his wards? In sudden apprehension he ran around to the gangplank and bounded aboard.

  His fears were well realized. The three mimes had secluded themselves in the after cabin. Doctor Lalanke stood in the doorway making signals. At the sight of Cugel he cried out in vexation: “Irritating little creatures! Once they decide upon a whim they are beyond control. Sometimes I am beside myself with frustration; I admit it freely!”

  “Nevertheless, they must leave my cabin!”

  Lalanke showed a wan smile. “I can do nothing. Persuade them to leave however you like.”

  Cugel went into the cabin. The three maidens sat on the bunk watching him through large gray eyes. Cugel pointed to the door. “Out with you! This is the captain’s cabin, and I am the captain.”

  The maidens with one accord drew up their legs and folded their arms around their knees. “Yes, yes, charming indeed,” said Cugel. “I am not sure whether or not I have the taste for such epicene little creatures. Under proper circumstances I am willing to experiment, but not in a group of three which would be distracting. So come now: remove your fragile little bodies, or I must eject you.”

  The maidens sat still as owls.

  Cugel heaved a sigh. “So it must be.” He started toward the bed but was interrupted by the impatient voice of Varmous. “Cugel? Where are you? We need to make decisions.”

  Cugel went out on deck to find that all the ‘premier’ passengers had climbed the gangplank and were disputing possession of the cabins. Varmous told Cugel: “We can delay no longer! I will bring up the caravan and we will tow the boat behind the first carriage.”

  Cugel cried out in fury: “There are too many passengers aboard! Four must take to the carriages! Meanwhile Doctor Lalanke and his troupe have taken my cabin!”

  Varmous shrugged his ponderous shoulders. “Since you are captain, you need only issue the appropriate order. Meanwhile, remove the mooring lines all but one and prepare your magic.”

  Varmous descended to the ground. “Wait!” cried Cugel. “Where is the steward to cook and serve our meals?”

  “All in good time,” said Varmous. “You will prepare the noon lunch, as you have nothing better to do. Now pull up your gangplank! Make ready for departure!”

  Seething with annoyance, Cugel tied his rope from the stem-head ring to the trunk of a cypress, then drew aboard the other lines. With the help of Doctor Lalanke and Clissum he pulled aboard the gangplank.

  The caravan came along the road. Varmous loosened the rope from the cypress and the boat floated into the air. Varmous tied the rope to the back of the first carriage which was pulled by two farlocks of the bulky Black Ganghorn breed. Without further ado Varmous climbed aboard the carriage and the caravan set off along the river road.

  Cugel looked about the deck. The passengers lined the rails, looking out over the countryside and congratulating themselves upon their mode of transport. A semblance of camaraderie had already come into being, affecting all save Nissifer who sat huddled in a rather peculiar posture beside the hold. Doctor Lalanke also stood somewhat apart. Cugel joined him by the rail. “Have you removed your wards from my cabin?”

  Doctor Lalanke gravely shook his head. “They are curious little creatures, innocent and without guile, motivated only by the force of their own needs.”

  “Surely they must obey your commands!”

  Through some extraordinary flexibility of feature, Doctor Lalanke managed to seem both apologetic and amused. “So one would think. I often wonder how they regard me: certainly not as their master.”

  “Most singular! How did they come into your custody?”

  “I must inform you that I am a man of great wealth. I live beside the Szonglei River not far from Old Romarth. My manse is built of rare woods: tirrinch, gauze difono, skeel, purple trank, camfer and a dozen others. My life might well be one of ease and splendor, but, to validate the fact of my existence, I annotate the lives and works of the great magicians. My collection of memorabilia and curious adjuncts is remarkable.” As he spoke his eyes rested upon the scale ‘Spatterlight’, which Cugel used for a hat ornament.

  Cugel asked cautiously: “And you yourself are a magician?”

  “Alas! I lack the stre
ngth. I can grasp a trifling spell against stinging insects, and another to quiet howling dogs, but magic like yours, which wafts a ship through the air, is beyond my capacity. And while we are on the subject, what of the object you wear on your hat: it exhales an unmistakable flux!”

  “The object has a curious history, which I will relate at a more convenient time,” said Cugel. “At this moment —”

  “Of course! You are more interested in the ‘mimes’, as I call them, and this may well be the function for which they were contrived.”

  “I am mostly interested in ejecting them from my cabin.”

  “I will be brief, though I must revert to Grand Motholam of the late eighteenth aeon. The arch-magician Moel Lel Laio lived in a palace cut from a single moonstone. Even today, if you walk the Plain of Gray Shades, you may find a shard or two. When I excavated the old crypts I found a cambent box containing three figurines, of cracked and discolored ivory, each no larger than my finger. I took these objects to my manse and thought to wash away the grime, but they absorbed water as fast as I applied it, and I finally put them into basins to soak overnight. In the morning I found the three as you see them now. I used the names Sush, Skasja and Rlys after the Tracynthian Graces and tried to give them speech. Never have they uttered a sound, not even one to the other.

  “They are strange creatures, oddly sweet, and I could detail their conduct for hours. I call them ‘mimes’ because when the mood comes on them they will posture and preen and simulate a hundred situations, none of which I understand. I have learned to let them do as they will; in return they allow me to care for them.”

  “All very well,” said Cugel. “Now the mimes of the late eighteenth aeon must discover the reality of today, as embodied in the person of Cugel. I warn you, I may be forced to eject them bodily!”

  Doctor Lalanke shrugged sadly. “I am sure that you will be as gentle as possible. What are your plans?”

  “The time for planning is over!” Cugel marched to the door of the cabin and flung it wide. The three sat as before, staring at Cugel with wondering eyes.

  Cugel stood to the side and pointed to the door. “Out! Go! Depart! Be off with you! I am ready to lie down on my bunk and take my rest.”

  None of the three twitched so much as a muscle. Cugel stepped forward and took the arm of the maiden facing him on his right. Instantly the room fluttered with motion and before Cugel understood what was happening he was propelled from the cabin.

  Cugel angrily ran back within and tried to seize the nearest of the mimes. She slipped sober-faced from his grasp, and again the room seemed full of fluttering figures: up, down, and around like moths. Finally Cugel managed to seize one from behind and, carrying her to the door, thrust her out on deck. At the same time he was thrust forward and instantly the ejected maiden returned into the cabin.

  The other passengers had come to watch. All laughed and called out jocular remarks, save only Nissifer who paid no heed. Doctor Lalanke spoke as if in vindication: “You see how it goes? The more abrupt your conduct, the more determined their response.”

  Cugel said through gritted teeth: “They will come out to eat; then we shall see.”

  Doctor Lalanke shook his head. “That is an unreliable hope. Their appetites are slight; now and then they will take a bit of fruit, or a sweet-cake, or a sip of wine.”

  “Shame, Cugel!” said Ermaulde. “Would you starve three poor girls already so pale and peaked?”

  “If they dislike starvation they can leave my cabin!”

  The ecclesiarch lifted high a remarkably long white forefinger, with knobbed knuckles and a yellow fingernail. “Cugel, you cultivate your senses as if they were hot-house plants. Why not, once and for all, break the tyranny of your internal organs? I will give you a tract to study.”

  Clissum spoke: “In the last analysis the comfort of your passengers must supersede your own. Another matter! Varmous guaranteed a gracious cuisine of five or six courses. The sun has risen high and it is time that you set about your preparations for lunch.”

  Cugel said at last: “If Varmous made this guarantee, let Varmous do the cooking.”

  Perruquil set up an outcry, but Cugel would not relent. “My own problems are paramount!”

  “Then what is our recourse?” demanded Perruquil.

  Cugel pointed to the gunwale. “Slide down the rope and complain to Varmous! In any case, do not trouble me.”

  Perruquil marched to the gunwale and raised a great shout.

  Varmous turned up his broad face. “What is the difficulty?”

  “It lies with Cugel. You must attend to the matter at once.”

  Varmous patiently halted the caravan, pulled down the boat and climbed aboard. “Well then, what now?”

  Perruquil, Clissum and Cugel spoke together, until Varmous held up his hands. “One at a time, if you please. Perruquil, what is your complaint?”

  Perruquil pointed a trembling finger at Cugel. “He is like a stone! He shrugs off our demands for food and will not relinquish accommodations to those who paid dearly for them!”

  With a sigh Varmous said: “Well then, Cugel? How do you account for your conduct?”

  “In no way whatever. Evict those insane maidens from my cabin, or the Avventura no longer follows the caravan, but sails to best advantage on the wind.”

  Varmous turned to Doctor Lalanke. “There is no help for it. We must submit to Cugel’s demand. Call them out.”

  “But where then will we sleep?”

  “There are three bunks in the crew’s forecastle for the maidens. There is another bunk in the forepeak carpenter shop, which is quiet and which will suit His Reverence Gaulph Rabi very well. We will put Ermaulde and Nissifer in the port cabins, Perruquil and Ivanello in the starboard cabins, while you and Clissum will share the double cabin. All problems are thereby solved, so let the maidens come forth.”

  Doctor Lalanke said dubiously: “That is the nub of the matter! They will not come! Cugel tried twice to put them out; twice they ejected him instead.”

  Ivanello, lounging to the side, said: “And a most entertaining spectacle it was! Cugel came flying out as if he were trying to leap a wide ditch.”

  Doctor Lalanke said: “They probably misunderstood Cugel’s intentions. I suggest that the three of us enter together. Varmous, you may go first, then I will follow and Cugel can bring up the rear. Allow me to make the signs.”

  The three entered the cabin to find the maidens seated demurely on the bunk. Doctor Lalanke made a series of signs; with every show of docility the three filed from the cabin.

  Varmous shook his head in bewilderment. “I cannot understand the furore! Cugel, is this the extent of your complaint?”

  “I will say this: the Avventura will continue to sail with the caravan.”

  Clissum pulled at his plump chin. “Since Cugel refuses to cook, where and how do we partake of the fine cuisine you advertised?”

  In a spiteful voice Perruquil said: “Cugel suggested that you yourself should do the cooking.”

  “I have more serious responsibilities, as Cugel well knows,” said Varmous stiffly. “It seems that I must assign a steward to the ship.” Leaning over the gunwale he called: “Send Porraig aboard!”

  The three maidens suddenly performed a giddy gyration, then a leaping, crouching ballet of postures, which they accented with mocking glances and flippant gestures toward Cugel. Doctor Lalanke interpreted the movements. “They are expressing an emotion or, better, an attitude. I would not dare attempt a translation.”

  Cugel turned away indignantly, in time to glimpse a flutter of fusty brown satin and the closing of the door to his cabin.

  In a fury Cugel called out to Varmous: “Now the woman Nissifer has taken over my cabin!”

  “This fol-de-rol must stop!” said Varmous. He knocked on the door. “Madame Nissifer, you must remove to your own quarters!”

  From within came a husky whisper, barely audible. “I will stay here, since I must have the dark.”


  “That is impossible! We have already allotted this cabin to Cugel!”

  “Cugel must go elsewhere.”

  “Madame, I regret that Cugel and I must enter the cabin and conduct you to your proper berth.”

  “I will place a taint.”

  Varmous looked toward Cugel with puzzled blue eyes. “What does she mean by that?”

  “I am not quite clear,” said Cugel. “But no matter! Caravan regulations must be enforced. This is our first concern.”

  “Quite so! Otherwise we invite chaos.”

  “Here, at least, we are agreed! Enter the cabin; I stand resolutely at your back!”

  Varmous settled his blouse, squared the hat upon his golden curls, pushed the door ajar and stepped into the cabin, with Cugel on his heels … Varmous uttered a strangled cry and lurched back into Cugel, but not before Cugel discovered an acrid stench so vile and incisive that his teeth felt tender in their sockets.

  Varmous stumbled to the rail, leaned back on his elbows and looked blearily across the deck. Then, with an air of great fatigue, he climbed over the gunwale and lowered himself to the ground. He spoke a few words to Porraig the steward, who thereupon boarded the vessel. Varmous slackened the rope and the Avventura once more floated high.

  Cugel, after a moment’s reflection, approached Doctor Lalanke. “I am impressed by your gentility and in turn I will be generous. You and your wards are now assigned to the captain’s cabin.”

  Doctor Lalanke became more saturnine than ever. “My wards would be confused. For all their frivolity, they are deeply sensitive and easily disturbed. The forecastle, as it turns out, is quite comfortable.”

  “Just as you like.” Cugel sauntered forward, to find that the cabin formerly allotted to Nissifer had been taken by the ecclesiarch Gaulph Rabi, while Porraig the steward had settled into the carpenter shop.