by Jack Vance
“Aha then! I gather that he is not one of your most trusted comrades.”
Cugel looked over his shoulder and spoke in a distinct voice. “Should any casual ears be listening, let it be known that my regard for Iucounu is of a high order.”
Bazzard made a sign of comprehension. “Whatever the case, why are you returning to Azenomei?”
Again Cugel looked in all directions. “Still in reference to Iucounu: his many friends often report overheard messages, but sometimes in garbled form; hence I am careful to avoid loose talk.”
“That is correct conduct!” said Bazzard. “At Llaio, my four fathers are equally prudent.”
After a moment Cugel asked: “Many times I have known a father with four sons, but never before a son with four fathers. What is the explanation?”
Bazzard scratched his head in puzzlement. “I have never thought to ask,” he said. “I will do so at the earliest opportunity.”
The journey proceeded without incident and late in the afternoon of the second day, the two arrived at Llaio, a large manse of sixteen gables.
A groom took the trap into charge; Bazzard conducted Cugel through a tall iron-bound door, across a reception hall and into a parlour. High windows, each of twelve violet panes, dimmed the afternoon sunlight; fusty magenta beams, slanting down across the room, warmed the dark oak wainscoting. A long table rested on dark green carpeting. Close together, with their backs to the fire, sat four men of unusual aspect, in that they shared between them a single eye, a single ear, a single arm and a single leg. In other respects the four were much alike: small and slight, with round serious faces and black hair cut short.
Bazzard performed the introductions. As he spoke the four men deftly passed arm, eye and ear back and forth, so that each was able to appraise the quality of their visitor.
“This gentleman is Cugel,” said Bazzard. “He is a minor grandee of the Twish River Valley, who has suffered the jokes of someone who shall remain nameless. Cugel, allow me to present my four fathers! They are Disserl, Vasker, Pelasias and Archimbaust: at one time wizards of repute until they too ran afoul of a certain prankster magician.”
Pelasias, who at this moment wore both the eye and ear, spoke: “Be assured of our welcome! Guests at Llaio are all too rare. How did you chance to meet our son Bazzard?”
“We occupied close pavilions at the Exposition,” said Cugel. “With due respect for Duke Orbal, I feel that his rulings were arbitrary, and neither Bazzard nor I won the prize.”
“Cugel’s remarks are not exaggerated,” said Bazzard. “I was not even allowed to simulate the songs of my unfortunate fish.”
“A pity!” said Pelasias. “Still, the Exposition no doubt provided memorable experiences for you both, so the time was not wasted. Am I right in this, Bazzard?”
“Quite right, sir, and while the subject is fresh in my mind, I would like you to resolve a perplexity. A single father often boasts four sons, but how does a single son boast four fathers?”
Disserl, Vasker and Archimbaust rapidly tapped the table; the eye, ear and arm were interchanged. At last Vasker made a curt gesture. “The question is nuncupatory.”
Archimbaust, providing himself with eye and ear, examined Cugel with care. He seemed especially interested in Cugel’s cap, to which Cugel had again attached ‘Spatterlight’. “That is a remarkable ornament,” said Archimbaust.
Cugel bowed politely. “I consider it very fine.”
“As to the origin of this object: do you care to provide us any information?”
Cugel smilingly shook his head. “Let us change the subject to more interesting topics. Bazzard tells me that we have a number of friends in common, including the noble and popular Iucounu.”
Archimbaust blinked his eye in puzzlement. “Are we speaking of that yellow, immoral and repulsive Iucounu, sometimes known as the ‘Laughing Magician’?”
Cugel winced and shuddered. “I would never make such insulting references to dear Iucounu, especially if I thought that he or one of his loyal spies might overhear.”
“Aha!” said Archimbaust. “Now I understand your diffidence! You need not worry! We are protected by a warning device. You may speak freely.”
“In that case I will admit that my friendship with Iucounu is not deep and abiding. Recently, at his command, a leather-winged demon carried me across the Ocean of Sighs and dropped me sprawling upon a dreary beach known as Shanglestone Strand.”
“If that is a joke, it is in poor taste!” declared Bazzard.
“That is my opinion,” said Cugel. “In regard to this ornament, it is actually a scale known as the ‘Pectoral Skybreak Spatterlight’, from the prow of the demiurge Sadlark. It exhibits power which, frankly, I do not understand, and is dangerous to the touch unless your hands are wet.”
“All very well,” said Bazzard, “but why did you not wish to discuss it before?”
“By reason of a most interesting fact: Iucounu owns all the rest of Sadlark’s scales! He will therefore covet ‘Spatterlight’ with all of that intense and excitable yearning which we associate with Iucounu.”
“Most interesting!” said Archimbaust. He and his brothers tapped a flurry of messages back and forth, interchanging their single eye, ear and arm with swift precision. Cugel, watching, at last was able to hazard a guess as to how four fathers might sire a single son.
Vasker presently asked: “What are your plans in connection with Iucounu and this extraordinary scale?”
“I am both uncertain and uneasy,” said Cugel. “Iucounu covets ‘Spatterlight’: true! He will approach me and say: ‘Ah, dear Cugel, how nice that you bring me “Spatterlight”! Hand it over, or prepare for a joke!’ So then: where is my recourse? My advantage is lost. When one deals with Iucounu, he must be prepared to jump nimbly from side to side. I have quick wits and agile feet, but are these enough?”
“Evidently not,” said Vasker. “Still —”
A hissing noise made itself heard. Vasker at once imposed upon his voice the tremolo of fond recollection: “Yes, dear Iucounu! How strange, Cugel, that you should also number him among your friends!”
Noting Bazzard’s secret sign, Cugel spoke in tones equally melodious. “He is known far and wide as an excellent fellow!”
“Just so! We have had our little differences, but is this not sometimes the way? Now, all is forgotten, on both sides, I am sure.”
Bazzard spoke: “If you should chance to see him in Almery, please convey our very warmest regards!”
“I will not be seeing Iucounu,” said Cugel. “I plan to retire to a snug little cabin beside the River Sune and perhaps learn a useful trade.”
“On the whole, this seems a sensible plan,” said Archimbaust. “But come now, Bazzard, tell us more of the Exposition!”
“It was grandly conceived,” said Bazzard. “No doubt as to that! Cugel displayed a remarkable hole, but Duke Orbal disallowed it on grounds of fugacity. Xallops showed a ‘Compendium of Universal Knowledge’ which impressed everyone. The cover depicted the Gnostic Emblem, in this fashion …”
Taking up stylus and paper, Bazzard scribbled: Do not look now, but Iucounu’s spy hangs above, in a wisp of smoke. “There, Cugel! Am I not correct?”
“Yes, in the main, although you have omitted several significant flourishes.”
“My memory is not the best,” said Bazzard. He crumpled the paper and threw it into the fire.
Vasker spoke. “Friend Cugel, perhaps you would enjoy a sip of dyssac, or might you prefer wine?”
“I will be happy with either,” said Cugel.
“In that case, I will suggest the dyssac. We distill it ourselves from local herbs. Bazzard, if you will.”
While Bazzard served the liquor, Cugel glanced as if casually around the chamber. High in the shadows he noticed a wisp of smoke from which peered a pair of small red eyes.
In a droning voice Vasker spoke of the Llaio fowl-run and the high price of feed. The spy at last became bored; the smoke slipped
down the wall, into the chimney and was gone.
Pelasias looked through the eye to Bazzard. “The alarm again is set?”
“Quite so.”
“Then once again we can speak freely. Cugel, I will be explicit. At one time we were wizards of reputation, but Iucounu played us a joke which still rankles. Our magic for the most part is forgotten; nothing remains but a few tendrils of hope and, of course, our abiding detestation of Iucounu.”
“Clarity itself! What do you propose to do?”
“More to the point: what are your plans? Iucounu will take your scale without remorse, laughing and joking all the while. How will you prevent him?”
Cugel pulled uneasily at his chin. “I have given some attention to the matter.”
“To what effect?”
“I had thought perhaps to hide the scale, and confuse Iucounu with hints and lures. Already I am troubled by doubts. Iucounu might simply ignore my conundrums in favor of Panguire’s Triumphant Displasms. No doubt I would be quick to say: ‘Iucounu, your jokes are superb and you shall have your scale.’ My best hope may be to present the scale to Iucounu face to face, as a purported act of generosity.”
“In this case, how are your goals advanced?” asked Pelasias.
Cugel looked around the room. “We are secure?”
“Definitely so.”
“Then I will reveal an important fact. The scale consumes whomever it touches, save in the presence of water, which dulls its voracity.”
Pelasias regarded Cugel with new respect. “I must say that you wear this lethal trinket with aplomb.”
“I am always aware of its presence. It has already absorbed a pelgrane and a female hybrid of bazil and grue.”
“Aha!” said Pelasias. “Let us put this scale to the test. At the fowl run we trapped a weasel who now awaits execution: why not by the power of your ornament?”
Cugel assented. “As you like.”
Bazzard fetched the captive predator, which snarled and hissed in defiance. Wetting his hands, Cugel tied the scale to a stick and thrust it down upon the weasel, which was instantly absorbed. The node showed new coruscations of red, vibrating to such vivid fervor that Cugel was reluctant to pin it again to his cap. He wrapped it in several layers of heavy cloth and tucked it into his pouch.
Disserl now wore eye and ear. “Your scale has shown its power. Nonetheless, it lacks projective scope. You need our help, sickly though it may be. Then, if you are successful, perhaps you will restore our orphan members.”
“They may no longer be in useful condition,” said Cugel dubiously.
“We need not worry on this score,” replied Disserl. “The organs, fully sound and competent, reside in Iucounu’s vault.”
“That is good news,” said Cugel. “I agree to your terms, and I am anxious to hear how you can help me.”
“First and most urgently, we must ensure that Iucounu cannot take the scale either through force or intimidation, or by means of Arnhoult’s Sequestrous Digitalia, or by a time stoppage, such as the Interminable Interim. If he is so thwarted, then he must play the game by your rules, and victory is at your command.”
Vasker took the organs. “Already I am cheered! In Cugel we have a man who can confront Iucounu nose to nose and never flinch!”
Cugel jumped to his feet and paced nervously back and forth. “A truculent posture may not be the best approach. Iucounu, after all, knows a thousand tricks. How will we prevent him from using his magic? Here is the nub of the matter.”
“I will take counsel with my brothers,” said Vasker. “Bazzard, you and Cugel may dine in the Hall of Trophies. Be mindful of spies.”
After a dinner of fair quality, Bazzard and Cugel returned to the parlour, where the four wizards sipped in turn from a great mug of tea. Pelasias, now wearing eye, arm and ear, spoke: “We have consulted Boberg’s Pandaemonium and also the Vapurial Index. We now are convinced that you carry something more than just a handsome scale. Rather, it is Sadlark’s cerebral nexus itself. It has ingested several creatures of strong personality, including our own good weasel, and now displays signs of vitality, as if recovering from an estivation. No more strength may be allowed Sadlark at this time.”
Archimbaust took the organs. “We think in terms of pure logic. Proposition One: in order to achieve our goals, Cugel must confront Iucounu. Proposition Two: Iucounu must be deterred from seizing the scale out of hand.”
Cugel frowned. “Your propositions are orderly, but I envision a program somewhat more subtle. The scale will bait a trap; Iucounu will run eagerly forward and be rendered helpless.”
“Inept, on three counts! First: you will be watched by spies, or by Iucounu himself. Second: Iucounu recognizes bait from afar and will send either a casual passer-by or you yourself into the trap. Third: in preference to negotiation, Iucounu uses Tinkler’s Old-fashioned Froust, and you would find yourself running from Pergolo on thirty-foot strides to retrieve the scale for Iucounu.”
Cugel held up his hand. “Let us return to the propositions of pure logic. As I recall, Iucounu must not be allowed to seize the scale out of hand. What follows?”
“We have several dependent corollaries. To slow the quick grasp of his avarice, you must feign the submission of a cowed dog, a pose which Iucounu in his vanity will readily accept. Next we will need an article of confusion, to give us a range of options from which to choose. Tomorrow, therefore, Bazzard will duplicate the scale in fine gold, with a good red hypolite for the node. He will then cement the false scale to your cap in a bed of explosive diambroid.”
“And I am to wear the cap?” asked Cugel.
“Of course! You will then have three strings to your bow. All will be destroyed if Iucounu tries even the least of his tricks. Or you can give Iucounu the cap itself, then go somewhat apart and wait for the blast. Or, if Iucounu discovers the diambroid, other avenues appear. For instance, you can temporize, then make play with the authentic scale.”
Cugel rubbed his chin. “Propositions and corollaries to the side, I am not anxious to wear a charge of high explosive attached to my cap.”
Archimbaust argued the program, but Cugel remained dubious. Somewhat sulkily Archimbaust relinquished the organs to Vasker who said: “I propose a somewhat similar plan. As before, Cugel, you will enter Almery in an unobtrusive manner. You will stroll quietly by the side of the road with the cloak pulled across your face, using any name but your own. Iucounu will be intrigued, and come out in search of you. At this point your policy will be restrained courtesy. You will politely decline all offers and go your own way. This conduct will surely prompt Iucounu to unwise excess! Then you will act!”
“Just so,” said Cugel. “What if he simply seizes cap and scale, false or real, and preempts it to his own use?”
“That is the virtue of Archimbaust’s scheme,” Vasker pointed out.
Cugel gnawed at his lower lip. “Each plan seems to lack a certain full elegance.”
Archimbaust, taking the organs, spoke with emphasis: “My plan is best! Do you prefer Forlorn Encystment at a depth of forty-five miles to an ounce or two of diambroid?”
Bazzard, who had spoken little, put forward an idea: “We need only use a small quantity of diambroid, and thus allay the worst of Cugel’s fears. Three minims is enough to destroy Iucounu’s hand, arm and shoulder, in the case of improper conduct.”
Vasker said: “This is an excellent compromise! Bazzard, you have a good head on your shoulders! The diambroid, after all, need not come into use. I am sure that Cugel will deal with Iucounu as a cat plays with a mouse.”
Disserl spoke to the same effect: “Show only diffidence! His vanity will then become your ally!”
Pelasias said: “Above all, accept no favors! Or you will find yourself in his obligation, which is like a bottomless pit. At one time —”
A sudden hiss, as the alarm web detected a spy.
“— packet of dried fruits and raisins for your pouch,” droned Pelasias. “The way is long and ti
ring, especially if you use the Old Ferghaz Way which traces every swing and meander of the River Sune. Why not make for Taun Tassel on the Water’s-gleam?”
“A good plan! The way is long and Forest Da is dark, but I hope to evade even the whisper of notoriety, and all my old friends as well.”
“And your ultimate plans?”
Cugel gave a wistful laugh. “I will build a little hut beside the river and there live out my days. Perhaps I will do a small trade in nuts and wild honey.”
“There is always a market for home-baked loaves,” Bazzard pointed out.
“A good thought! Again, I might search out scraps of old calligraphy, or just give myself to meditation and watch the flow of the river. Such, at least, is my modest hope.”
“It is a pleasant ambition! If only we could help you along your way! But our magic is small; we know a single useful spell: Brassman’s Twelve-fold Bounty, by which a single terce becomes a dozen. We have taught it to Bazzard, that he may never want; perhaps he will share the sleight with you.”
“With pleasure,” said Bazzard. “You will find it a great comfort!”
“That is most kind,” said Cugel. “What with the packet of fruit and nuts, I am well-provided for my journey.”
“Just so! Perhaps you will leave us your cap ornament as a keepsake, so that when we see it we will think of you.”
Cugel shook his head in distress. “Anything else is yours! But I could never part with my lucky talisman!”
“No matter! We will remember you in any case. Bazzard, foster the fire! Tonight is unseasonably cold.”
So went the conversation until the spy departed, whereupon, at Cugel’s request, Bazzard instructed him in that cantrap controlling the Twelve-fold Bounty. Then, upon sudden thought, Bazzard addressed Vasker, now wearing eye, ear and arm. “Another of our small magics which might help Cugel on his way: the Spell of the Tireless Legs.”
Vasker chuckled. “What a thought! Cugel will not care to be visited with a spell customarily reserved for our wheriots! Such a spell does not accord with his dignity.”
“I give dignity second place to expedience,” said Cugel. “What is this spell?”