She nodded. "And now you've found someone who makes you want more than short-term?"
Did I mention my mom was smart? I shrugged. "Maybe? She's warm and generous and makes me laugh. She's not afraid to call me on my bullshit." My mom smiled at that; she knew I wasn't the easiest to get along with. "She's the real thing, not just some fling. But I'm not sure I can honestly try anything serious, and that's what she wants. What she deserves."
"I see." She leaned back in her chair. "Jax, let me ask you a question. Is it her you don't trust? Or is it yourself?"
Her question momentarily stumped me. "I..."
"You're used to making decisions on a daily basis. What's different about this? Why do you hesitate?"
"It's not the same. I have all of the control in my business decisions, and I never go into a venture if I don't think I can win and come out ahead."
Mom raised an eyebrow at me.
Well damn. Once again, my mom guided me to an 'aha' moment. The win-loss ratio in a relationship couldn't be determined ahead of time. Relationships were about yielding control, at least some of it. To let Grace, or anyone, into my life meant letting them have an investment in it. In business terms, it was like a profit or loss; she could either be good for me or hurt me. And that was a risk I'd have to take if I wanted to keep Grace on more than just the periphery of my life.
So will she, dumbass. And she's the one who would be taking a bigger chance on you. If she'd even give you another chance after you were such an ass to her!
As if she could read my mind, my mom stood and walked to me. She clasped my face in her hands. "You have to ask yourself which is the greater loss—having her or not having her? You've closed yourself off to so many people, Jaxson. I understand why, but for what it's worth, I think you're giving your past way too much control over your future. You deserve to be happy, Son. If you've found someone who helps you get there, don't you owe it to yourself to give it a try?"
I clasped her hands. "I don't want to hurt her, either. I'm afraid I will. I don't know how to do this."
To my surprise, tears whelmed up in her eyes. "Yes," she whispered, clutching my face harder. "Yes, you do. We both know you don't let many people in, but when you do, you are incredibly loyal and generous. You love hard, Jaxson, and you love deeply, even putting your own needs aside."
"If it doesn't work out, it could get awkward. We have mutual friends. And family."
"Is it Grace Hart?"
See? Smart.
"Yeah."
Mom smiled. "I thought it might be. Aunt Julie and I noticed you each giving the other some sideways glances at Maggie and Derek's wedding. Julie told me later that Anne had noticed it, too. I can't think of a better family than them, Jax. Those girls have been raised to be strong and independent, but they're kind and sweet. We were hoping you two might spend some time together."
"You know, you weren't as subtle at Anne's house as you thought you were."
She laughed. "Seems you didn't need us after all."
I pulled my mom in for a hug, amazed at how much wisdom she had. "I love you, Mom."
She pulled back. Eyes that were an older version of mine grew soft with emotion. "I love you, too, sweetheart. For what it's worth, yes, I would have married your dad even knowing our time would be limited, knowing how much pain there would be when he was taken from me, from us. Because that pain meant the love in our relationship was true. And I'd rather live with that pain than the emptiness of never having had his love at all. He was a great man, and any time I had with him was a blessing. I want the same for you."
She must have seen the doubt in my expression. "You can have it, Jaxson." Her hands rubbed my upper arms. "Think about this. You like to work out. Why?"
"To keep in shape. To stay strong and fit."
"Exactly. When you work out, you're tearing down the muscle and rebuilding it to get stronger. The heart is a muscle, too. Letting your heart love will keep it growing and gaining strength in ways you can't imagine. Even broken hearts heal and gain strength. But unexercised hearts never have the chance to grow and be made stronger."
Her analogy made sense and struck a chord with me that I think I'd been searching for without knowing it. But...
"What about when you met Gene?" I struggled to keep my face neutral.
She sighed and sat back down at the table. I did the same, watching her carefully on the delicate subject. "That's a more complex answer. Over the years, I've thought a lot about that, struggled with my own guilt for bringing him into our lives."
I gripped her hand across the table. "No, Mom, it wasn't you."
She held tight to my hand. "The truth is, while I regret what happened"—she squeezed my hand when I started to interrupt—"the falling in love again, the taking a chance, yes, it was part of that growth I spoke about. It was freeing to know I was capable of those feelings again. But the pain that it brought you, well, I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself of that."
I shook my head. "You shouldn't feel guilty, Mom. There's only one, maybe two, people who should feel guilty about what happened. It wasn't your fault, any more than it was mine." My eyes burned at the emotions that bubbled to the surface. It had been a long time since my mom and I had talked about her second marriage—and the reason for its failure. "But there's someone who I think would like you to take a chance yet again."
Her forehead wrinkled in bemusement. "Who?"
"John. He told me he asked you out to dinner. I'm pretty sure he did it for reasons other than just to catch up."
Her cheeks flushed. "Oh."
"You have to promise me you'll be open to your feelings without worrying about me. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a little boy anymore. I like John. He's a good man, and I respect that he informed me he was taking you to dinner since my mother didn't." I added my last point with a firm stare.
"I wasn't sure if it might be more than dinner between friends, but I do like him. We’ve been out a couple of times," she said shyly. "And you're wrong. You might be a grown man, but you'll always be my boy, and I'll always worry about you." She grinned. "Although I might worry less if you had a good woman who treated you the way you deserve, not like those slut puppies I know you hang out with. I hear from Ellie what kind of women slink their way into your office."
"Mom! Really?"
"What? What are they calling them these days? Skanks? I think that's what Ellie called them."
I closed my eyes and shook my head. "I really need to fire Ellie," I mumbled.
My mom laughed.
Later as I left her house, the conversation replayed itself over and over in my mind. For much of my life, I'd fought to control my feelings, fought for control in all things. I thought it was my only way to find happiness. And for a while, it had been. All this time I structured my life like my business, minimizing liabilities and potential losses. Now I wondered if I had more to gain by yielding. It had taken the gentle strength of Grace to make me want to take the risk.
A sense of determination flowed through me as I left my mom's house. It lasted all the way until that evening when I decided to go to the bar where I knew I'd find Grace.
20
Grace
It turned out Jax had been right. Despite my earlier statement that the evening out wouldn't turn into a slobberfest of couples, it had. Derek and Maggie started off keeping a well-rounded conversation going, but as the evening wore on, they were spending more and more time making moon eyes at each other and constantly stealing kisses. I think they forgot they weren't on their honeymoon anymore.
Paul and his girlfriend, Alison, weren't much better. She'd been shy around us at first, but the more the drinks flowed, the more comfortable she seemed to get. Comfortable enough to be pressed up to Paul's side nibbling his ear and neck. I didn't want to think about where her hand was when I saw it slide under the table.
Jade couldn't have cared less about the couples. She wasn't shy about hitting the dance floor and finding a guy for the rest o
f the night. She currently had some guy pressed all up against her back with his palm flat on her stomach while her arm reached back and up into his hair.
To be fair, she'd tried to get me to dance with her instead, but I wasn't feeling it tonight. When I'd arrived, I'd been determined to carry through with my self-promise that I was going to find someone and have fun. It wasn't for lack of opportunity. I'd been approached over and over throughout the evening. I even gave it the old college try and danced with a few. But I couldn't stop comparing them to Jax. None of them held me the same or smelled the right combination of woodsy citrus and raw man. None of them made me laugh with a sarcastic comment. And while a few of them had been polite and offered nice compliments, none of them revved my senses the way a certain grumpy, non-committal pain in the ass I knew did.
Instead, I spent three drinks worth of time trying to convince myself to let the idea of Jax go. It was harder than it should be. It wasn't just about having been kissed by the master of kissing. It was remembering him with Caleb's fingers around his learning ASL or the time he spent listening to Micah and coaching him to a better young man. It was recalling how exhilarating it had been to challenge him and how exciting it had felt when he'd sought me out of all the women who would have willingly thrown themselves at him.
He seemed so confident in most things Yet, when push came to shove, he'd retreated. He said I confused him, but I think somehow, I scared him. I'd been around my dad enough to hear how people reacted to events in strange ways, even self-destructive ones. Had something bad happened to Jax? Or did he genuinely not want me? Was it the chase? Loads of self-doubt made the perfect mixer to the alcohol that played with my brain. Along with that, the loud dance music and crowds were getting on my nerves. I decided I'd had enough for one day.
I tapped Maggie on the shoulder to let her know I was leaving.
"Oh, don't go," she said clasping my hand. "Stay, and I promise I'll ignore Derek the rest of the night."
"Don't make promises you can't keep," I said, laughing. "You stay and enjoy your new husband. I'm tired. I think I'll go home and take a warm soak before heading to bed early."
Maggie pouted. "Okay, but let's get together again soon. Maybe dinner at my”—she grinned and glanced sideways at Derek—"I mean our place."
I nodded and headed to the dance floor to let Jade know I was leaving. Some guy was grinding against her, while she had her arms loosely twined backward around his neck. Another guy in front of her gripped her hips.
I mentally rolled my eyes and wondered if there would ever come a day that Jade would settle down. As soon as she saw me, she patted them both on the cheek and mouthed something that looked like, “I'll be back.”
She looped her arms around my neck and kept swaying, forcing me to keep the rhythm with her. "What's up chickie?" she yelled over the music.
"I'm going home. I'll call for Uber."
"You're no fun," she answered with a pout. "Does this have anything to do with some moody but hot millionaire not showing up?"
"No, of course not!"
She rolled her eyes. "Riiight. Keep telling yourself that."
One of the guys she'd been dancing with returned behind her and rested his hands on her waist, making thrusting motions with his hips as the music picked up in intensity. The movement jostled her into me. I might have fallen, other than the large body pressing into my back. Large hands dug into my hips and tried to force them into a rhythm that matched the same as his pelvis that was now tight against my backside.
What the hell? I grasped the hands and tried to remove them to no avail.
"Relax, baby. Just go with it," a deep voice murmured in my ear before he shimmied down my back. As he rose, one of his hands slid up my leg and under the hem of my skirt.
“Hey! Let me go!” I shrieked. I looked at Jade, my panic increasing as I felt his beefy hand squeeze my butt cheek.
I tried to turn to push him away, but the men had effectively caged Jade and me tightly between them while they continued grinding against our backs. I watched in horror as the guy behind Jade grabbed her breast in one hand and mine with the other. He squeezed her boob, then slid that hand between us, scrunching his fingers so the hem of Jade’s skirt and rose and he could slide his hand under it. The gyrating hips behind me simultaneously pushed my pelvis into that same roving hand. Jade’s eyes grew wide and she seemed more terrified than the anger I expected from her.
Either no one noticed, or no one cared enough, to interrupt what might look like an erotic foursome from the outside. It all happened so fast. I was gathering a breath to scream while I cast panicked eyes around the room and was relieved to see Derek and Paul jump up from their seats and head toward us.
But before he could reach us, I felt a sudden pocket of air behind me. I couldn't recover from the momentum of my struggles fast enough, and I landed on my back on the hard floor, knocking the breath from me. For a second, I thought I must have cracked my head because I looked up to see Jax standing over me like a glorious avenging angel.
A burly man stood beside me rubbing his jaw. "What the fuck, man?" he said.
"Keep your fucking hands off her." Jax's voice sounded more like the warning growl of a large animal.
What was he doing here?
"We were just havin' a little fun. Girls don't dance like that without knowing what they're asking for."
I scrambled to my feet to try to stop Jax from hitting him again, but it turned out my focus was on the wrong person. Smack! Even over the music, I could hear Jade's hand meeting his cheek.
Must be in the air today!
When it looked like the guy was going to hit her back, Jax jerked Jade behind him and punched him again. He howled with pain and fury. The crowd around us had stepped a couple of feet back and was watching everything with fascination. Derek and Maggie rushed up behind me. Maggie put her arm around me while Derek looked me over and asked if I was all right. Between nods, I saw Paul grab Jax's arm when he would have taken yet another swing.
A couple of bouncers pushed their way through the crowd and attempted to steer Jax and the other guy off the dance floor. I felt frozen in place, but Jade rushed forward and stood on her toes to speak in the ear of the guy holding Jax's arm. After a minute, he released Jax and gave him a warning look. Paul and Derek surrounded Jax while he flexed his fingers and shook out his hand and glared at me.
Uncertain of why he looked so angry with me, I took refuge in Maggie's hug. When I looked up a minute later, both of the other men were nowhere in sight. I assumed they'd been escorted outside.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Maggie asked. "I was horrified when I looked up and saw what was going on. Derek was on his way when out of nowhere Jax showed up and yanked that guy from you."
I nodded and looked for Jade, but she was still talking to the bouncer. Maggie kept her arm around my shoulder and guided me back to the table. "Someday, Jade's got to learn to be careful who she plays with. It's bad enough she was in that situation, but to drag you into it..." She shook her head. "Here, drink this." She handed me a glass of iced water, and that was when I noticed my hand was shaking.
The guys returned to the table, and a soft hand turned me around. "I'm so sorry, Grace," Jade said in the most humble voice I'd ever heard from her.
I hugged her. "We were lucky this time, Jade. But that turned ugly fast. I’d hate for anything bad to ever happen to you." She nodded but didn't say anything.
Jax grabbed my hand. "You're leaving. Get your things."
It didn't matter that was my plan anyway; I didn't like being told what to do, especially by him. He declined that right a couple of weeks ago. I jerked my hand away. "I'm not ready, yet."
"Oh, yes you are."
Derek rested a hand on Jax's arm. "Not until you calm down."
Jax glared at him, then his look shifted to me. His shoulders drooped, and he closed his eyes. After blowing out a breath, he nodded. "I'm fine. I just need a few minutes with Grace."
; Derek studied Jax for several seconds. He must have been satisfied with what he saw. He turned to me. "Let Jax take you home, Grace. Please. He'll make sure no one bothers you. We'll take Jade home."
I looked at Jax. I could still sense some tension radiating from him, but his eyes had transitioned to some emotion I couldn't quite place. "Please come with me, Grace." His tone was softer, and this time he offered his hand.
Jade hugged me again, whispering in my ear. "You should go with him, Grace. I think he needs you to. Talk to him. You wanted someone to fight for you. I think you found him." Her hands slid down my arms to squeeze my hands before turning to pick up her jacket.
She started to walk away, paused, then returned to stand in front of Jax. She bowed her head, and when she lifted it seconds later, there was none of her characteristic sassiness. In fact, she almost looked tearful. "Thank you." She stretched up to kiss Jax on the cheek who nodded stiffly. This time when she left, she didn't look back. Concerned, I watched her walk out the door.
"I should check on her," I stated.
Before I could take a step, Jax whispered, "Grace, please. Don't walk away from me."
I heard the plea in his voice. "Fine, let's go."
I was past the point of caring that I sounded like a two-year-old. His arm felt warm and strong around my waist as he guided me out the door under the watchful eye of the bouncer. He didn't speak as he continued down the sidewalk where I could see his car parked further down.
Suddenly, he pulled me several yards into a small alcove where a little grassy picnic area enticed lunch workers during the day. Now, however, it was quiet and dark, with only the slightest bit of light sneaking in from the busy street."Wh—"
His hands captured my face and lifted it in time for his lips to seal against mine. There was no hesitancy as his tongue plundered my mouth leaving no room for thought, no place for denial. His hands swept down my back and pulled me closer so that I could feel his desire for me. His touch flipped a switch in me. I forgot about being confused or being angry. I wanted him. It was that simple. No right, no wrong. No past, no future; just the now.
Against the Rules (Harts of Passion Book 1) Page 17