by Jillian Dodd
“Better not hate me,” Jake says.
“Better never date me then.”
I was happy with you.
Lunch.
I sit down at a table all by myself. I don’t want company today. I want to wallow in aloneness.
This is the kind of day when you wish you could stay home from school and pretend to be sick. I suppose I could’ve pretended to be sick. Maybe I still can.
Dawson sits down next to me. “We need to talk, Keatie. Seriously.”
I take a bite of the calorie-laden fried chicken strips that I got for lunch today. They taste disgusting. “I’m really not in the mood to talk right now.”
“When, then? After school? Please, Keatie?”
“Dawson, you don’t even get it, do you? Do you know how embarrassing this is for me? I was going to take you home to meet my parents. You swore that you loved me and that you were over her. I have never felt so embarrassed of my decisions in my life.”
“Jeez, I know, okay. How would you feel if your surfer dude did that to you? He was your first love. What would you have done if he had said he wanted you back?”
“He did. Remember? You were with me. I told him I was happy with my boyfriend. That I was happy with you.”
“Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.” He runs his hands back through his gorgeous dark hair. I try not to notice how his muscles flex or how sexy a gesture I’ve always thought it was. “Look, I’m so, so, incredibly sorry. I got caught up in it. It was like I wanted it for so long, and then when she finally wanted me, I just, I thought I needed to see. But what I realized is you are what makes me the me I am now. I’m so much happier with you than I ever was with her.”
I get tears in my eyes. “Yeah, but not happy enough to tell her no. Not happy enough to go with me. What you did sucked. It hurt. And I’m not over it. Sorry. You chose the path. I’m just trying to deal with it. And I really would like to sit alone.” I change my mind and stand up quickly. “Never mind. You stay. I’m leaving.”
He grabs my arm. “You kissed Dallas and Bryce last night. You made out with Jake. You gave him a lap dance in front of me. Told him you wanted to have revenge sex.”
“Yeah, I did. It was fun. Single girls can do that. And I know you kissed Whitney this weekend.”
“No. She kissed me. Only once. She said we had to see if it felt the same, but it didn’t. I’m not the same guy I used to be. I don’t fit with her anymore. I fit with you. I love you, Keatie. Please, give me another chance.”
“I can’t do this right now, Dawson. Seriously, I can’t. I feel like shit. And I don’t want to start crying in the middle of the café. Please, I’m embarrassed enough by all of this as it is.”
“You were drunk last night.”
“No shit.”
“Tonight. We’re going to talk.”
“I don’t know what else there is to say.”
“I’ll think of something,” he says, as I walk away.
Seal off.
French
I leave the cafeteria and go into the bathroom and cry. Then I clean up my mascara and go to French class early.
Aiden walks in early too.
“Hey,” he says, giving me a god-like smile and taking his usual seat behind me.
I don’t reply. I just give him a S’up head nod and then lay my pounding head down on my desk.
Apparently, his godly smile has no effect on a hangover.
I feel a tap on my back. I roll my eyes and turn around. “What?” I say exasperatedly. I don’t want to talk to him, or anyone else, for that matter.
He smiles at me and says, “Are you mad at me?”
“Are you happy that Dawson and I broke up?”
“Well, yeah, but I have my own reasons for that.”
“That sucks, Aiden. Because I’m hurt and if you had even a remote desire to be my friend, you wouldn’t want to see me hurt.”
He winces. Like what I just said hurt him.
God, I’m being a bitch. I’m taking my frustration out on him instead of Dawson.
I’m getting ready to tell him that I’m sorry when he reaches out and hands me a little star.
I take it in my hand and look at it. It’s one of the glow in the dark ones from his ceiling.
From his failed attempt to get the dream girl to go to Homecoming with him.
And that does make me mad.
I toss it back at him in disgust. “Why would I want this?”
He catches the star and lowers his head just a little. “I just thought, um, you said they remind you of your sisters and how you miss them. I just thought . . .”
“I don’t need the leftovers from your failed attempt at asking your dream girl to Homecoming,” I snarl.
“You're crabby today,” he states.
“No shit.”
“You probably shouldn't have drunk so much last night.”
I hold my hand behind my head, flash him my middle finger, and say, “Seal off, Aiden,” as Annie sits down.
She gives me an adorable look. The kind of look that makes me know she’s on my side.
She leans over and says to me, “Girls’ night tonight?”
“Abso-fricken-lutely.”
My life has gone to shit.
3pm
As I’m about to walk into the dance locker room, Whitney grabs me by the arm. “We need to talk.”
“Talk about what? I’m not talking to you.”
She looks around to make sure no one is near and admits, “I’m sorry, okay. He looked happy with you. I was jealous. Wished things could just go back to the way they used to be.”
She gets tears in her eyes. “What you did at Homecoming. In front of my family. No one has ever stood up for me like that. Since I broke up with Dawson, my life has gone to shit.”
“That happened to me too,” I confide in her. “Last spring, I broke up with my perfect boyfriend. Except he wasn’t perfect, and I wasn’t happy. But I wish I could take it back, because since then, my life has gone to shit too.”
“Your life has gone to shit? Everything you do here turns to freaking gold.”
“I’m just trying to have fun. I don’t want to be involved in all the drama.”
“Do you think we could ever be friends? Dawson and I were never the way you are with him. We kissed. I made him. Told him that we needed to see.” She dabs a tear from the inside corner of her eye. “But you changed him.”
“No, you changed him, Whitney, when you broke up with him for reasons that had nothing to do with love. You broke his heart. Sometimes people just can’t get over that.”
She looks at the ground. “Yeah, I know,” she says quietly and I know she’s thinking about when Camden broke her heart all those years ago. “You should forgive him. It was all my fault.”
“Actually, it’s not all your fault. He could have told you no. And if he really loved me like he said, he would have.”
“I feel bad. I don’t usually feel bad about this kind of stuff.”
“I’m pretty sure I feel worse, but thanks. It makes me feel so much better to know that your breaking us up was for nothing.”
She puts her bitch face back on. “You made out with Jake last night.”
I stand up straight. “And there’s nothing wrong with that. Jake and I are both single. Because of you.”
Peyton walks up to us. “Keatyn, are you okay?”
I shake my head at her and quickly walk into the dance locker room.
Because I am not okay.
A peace offering.
6pm
I’m walking back to my dorm room, looking forward to having a girls’ night when I get a group text from Annie.
Annie: Hey! We’re all going to meet in my room tonight. My roommate has a swim meet, so we’ll have the place to ourselves.
Me: I just want to go back to my room. Can’t we do it in my and Katie’s room like we planned?
Annie: No. You need a change of scenery. And I already ordered in food, have wine
, and copious amounts of chocolate and junk food.
Katie: Yeah, can’t we just do it in our room?
Me: PLEASE??
Annie: Are you REALLY going to ask me to move ALL of what I’ve set up?
I feel bad. Shit.
Katie: No, we won’t. We’ll all be there.
Me: I’m going to stop, change clothes, and wash my face. I’ll be there in a few :)
Annie: Good :)
I get to Annie’s room and curl up on her bed. She sits on the bed, pulls me into a hug, and then hands me a piece of chocolate. “Here, eat this. It will make you feel better.”
I look at what she handed me. A little purple foil wrapped square. The word Bliss written on it.
I hear Aiden’s voice in my head. Vos lèvres sont mon béatitude.
I unwrap the candy, pop it in my mouth, and let the chocolate slowly melt. It really does taste like bliss.
“That’s really good, Annie. Thanks for doing all this.”
She brings three pizza boxes down to the center of her floor and hands out paper plates.
I decide to try and enjoy girls’ night and not whine and bring everyone else down. Plus, I’m so incredibly grateful that I didn’t have to show my face in the café tonight.
I get a text from Dawson reminding me that we’re supposed to talk tonight. I tell him I’m having a girls’ night.
“So, I need updates on everyone’s weekend,” I say to the girls.
Maggie giggles. “So what do you guys think of Jake? Do you think I could possibly have a chance with him? Is he getting back together with Whitney?”
“He is super hot,” Annie says. “Keatyn, you know him the best. What do you think of him?”
I look at Maggie. “I kissed him last night. Made out with him. We were both drunk and trying to get back at Whitney and Dawson. It doesn’t mean anything. God, I even puked on him.”
“I heard about that,” Annie says. “Aiden told me that you puked all over his room and he had to clean it up.”
“Shit. I was mean to him in French, wasn’t I? I should have thanked him or apologized. I think that’s all I did today. Apologize for being an idiot.”
Maggie lunges at me and wraps me in a hug. “You are not an idiot. You need to stop blaming yourself for what Dawson did. It’s not your fault. Boys suck.”
Katie waves her hand in the air. “I’ll second that.”
“Katie,” Annie says. “We need to talk about your drinking.”
“Yeah, we do. You would think that after what happened you wouldn’t ever drink again. But you got drunk at the Cave again on Saturday night,” Maggie says.
“Oh, so Keatyn can puke all over and it’s okay with everyone, but I get drunk and I’m in trouble?”
“I think my situation is a little different, Katie,” I say gently. “I hardly ever get drunk. You hardly ever don’t get drunk.”
She starts to tear up. “I don’t know how it keeps happening. I plan on only having a couple drinks, but then when the guys offer me shots, I can’t seem to say no. And when I do say no, they tease me about how I can’t keep up with them.”
“You can’t keep up with the guys. You have to be able to say no. Have one drink then have a bottle of water. And try not to drink more than one drink per hour. ”
She nods.
Maggie gives her a hug. “We just want you to be safe, okay?” Then she turns to me. “Can we please talk about Jake? I don’t care that you kissed at the party. What I care is that he didn’t kiss me. Didn’t even try to kiss me. He talked to me. Like we talked and talked for hours in the library. I think I fell a little in love with him.”
“He said he had fun talking to you and thinks you are really sweet and pretty, but he also said he wants to be single for a while and just have fun. Basically, we both decided to become sluts.”
Annie looks at me with wide eyes, “Really? You want to be a slut? Sleep with a bunch of guys?”
“Well, last night it sounded like a good idea but the truth is, I can’t do that I have to like a guy. And I really only want to do it with a guy that I really like. Love, hopefully.”
“Ace and I went a little further,” Annie almost whispers.
“A little further?”
“Well, yeah, just a little. Like, I touched it.”
We all scream and laugh.
“And?” I say.
“It seems very big. I didn’t realize they get so big. I can NOT imagine that thing inside me.”
Maggie hoots, “Oh, it will fit just fine. Are you thinking about doing it with him?”
“Well, I mean, I have thought about it. I’m not ready yet, but I’ve thought about it.”
“Trust me on this,” I say to her very seriously. “Wait. Wait until you think you can’t wait any longer. And then wait some more.”
“I’m surprised to hear you say that,” Katie says. “I thought you would encourage her because it was so great with Dawson.”
“It was great with Dawson. Sex stuff feels good. It can be great, but I think it makes you feel like you are sort of in love with the person. I think maybe Dawson thought he loved me because that part of our relationship was really exciting. But then when it came down to it, he didn’t really love me. Same with my ex. He said he loved me, we did it, and then he didn’t even respect me enough to not basically screw someone else in front of me. I think if I ever do it again, it’s going to be with a boy that I know loves me.”
Annie says, “But that’s the problem, isn’t it? The knowing.”
“Yes, that’s the problem.”
“So, I should wait?”
“You should definitely wait.”
“So, what are you going to do about Dawson?”
“He wants to talk tonight.” I hold my hands up in the air. “What is there to talk about?”
“Didn’t you read all his Facebook statuses while you were gone?” Annie asks. “If I were Whitney, I’d feel like complete shit. Everyone knew she wanted to get back together with him, and then he posted all those statuses.”
“What statuses? I haven’t looked at Facebook since I pressed the single button.”
“I think you should read them,” Annie says gently. “Actually, let’s read them together.”
She grabs her laptop and pulls up Dawson’s profile page. “Do you want to read them, or shall I read them to you?”
“Read them out loud, so we can figure out what they mean.”
“Okay, we’ll start on Friday night. After you left, he said, So confused. Then later that night, I really screwed up, and then there is a little broken heart. Aww, that’s so sad. Okay, so then I think this must have been after he saw the video. Just threw my computer across the room, shattered it. Going to kill my brother. Then at like two in the morning, he wrote on your wall, Keatie, I’m sorry. I love you. You didn’t comment, but some people did. Jake said, F you. Dallas said, Heard you liked the video. I said, Heart you, Keatyn.”
“Aw, that was sweet, Annie.”
“Let’s see. Then on Saturday after I know they had lunch together, he posted, I miss my Keatie.
Maggie says, “If I was Whitney, that would have made me feel like crap.”
Okay, so then he posted on your wall again. I miss you and another broken heart. Then we all know that he and Whitney were at the party together. Apparently, when he got home from that he posted, The past is history. Then on Sunday. Counting down the hours until I can apologize in person. Then Sunday night. Love sucks.”
“Wow. What do you all think that means?”
“It means he realized quickly that he screwed up. He was upset, but he still tried with Whitney, and it didn’t work,” Annie says.
“Plus, he knew she would read his status, and he didn’t care,” Katie says, defending Dawson. “They were all about you. I think you should take him back. He just made a mistake.”
My phone vibrates. “It’s him.” I laugh. “His ears must be burning.”
Dawson: I thought of something.
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Me: Huh?
Dawson: You told me we’d have nothing to talk about. I thought of something we could talk about.
Me: I just read all your Facebook posts from this weekend.
Dawson: We could talk about that. I’m out for a walk, wanna join me?
Me: I’m at Annie’s dorm and I look like crap. Be prepared.
I walk out, and Dawson says, “Casual, yes. Crap, no.” He snakes his arm around my waist. “You always come out here with practically nothing on, then I have to give you my sweatshirt.”
“Oh, sorry, I, um, I’ll run back in and grab one.”
“No, you’re not. I love seeing you wear my clothes.” He pulls his sweatshirt off over his head and pulls it down over mine. “This feels familiar,” he says, then pulls the hoodie strings toward him.
“Did you really know right away you screwed up? Like before you even hung out with her?”
“I told you, the second you were gone, I knew I made a mistake. I didn’t mean to hurt you. You’re the last person I’d want to hurt.”
“And after you hung out with her, when you said the past is history. What did you mean by that?”
“I meant that she’s part of my past, not my future. You are my future. Well, I hope you are. Keatie, I love you.”
“Please don’t say that.”
“Will you give me another chance?”
“I don’t know.”
“Can we start over?”
“I don’t know, Dawson. Maybe. If we go anywhere, we’d have to go back to the beginning.”
He gives me a sexy grin. “Our beginning was pretty amazing.”
I lean in and give him a kiss on the cheek. “I have to get back in there.”
I go back inside and tell the girls about what he said. We dissect the entire conversation and consider the pros and cons of getting back together with him. And even though they come up with a lot of pros, I know I can’t do it.